I just feel so sad right now.

[Gracelove]

My new mentors really want me to do this FAA job.

And I'm so upset about it that I'm crying.

I would have to go away to school for 3 months, and I'd have to have a roomate, and I'd have to leave my family, and my cat behind.

It's too much for me. And it's not something I'm going to do.

They say that it's a good opportunity, and that I could make tons of money after a while.

But everything isn't about money.

I am not leaving the state to go school right now, it's not something I can handle.

I'm not leaving my cat behind. I know people think it's stupid, they didn't even want to hear about my cat.

But I really love my cat, I got her right after my rape and she has been here for me, and just having her around has helped me out so much.

And there is no way in hell I'm going to sleep in a strange room with a stranger. It's not something I'm going to do.

And then school is high stress too. And I hear the job is extremely stressful.

It's just too much new stuff at once.

And I'll probably have to live in a building with other men, and I'll probably have to sleep on one of those twin beds, and the room will probably be like a dorm room.

I was raped in a strange dorm room on a twin bed. I'm not going to sleep in a place like that.

And most of all I'm afraid my new mentors, will down me and tell me that I'm really missing out and that I need to move on.

And I don't need that right now.

I've worked so hard on bettering myself, on recovering.

And the last thing I need is people trivalizing it.

My mother used to do that and we so didn't get along.

But she doesn't do that any more and things are okay.

This is all just too much for me right now, and I feel horrible.

I've been doing really well, at least I think so.

And right now I feel like I'm out of control, like they are going to make me go.

Or they're going to ask my parents to talk me into it, and my parents will make me go.

And then things will be horrible between us again.

And I'm so scared.

I've been trying to handle everything but it's getting a little difficult right now.

I really miss my therapist. And I haven't been having good dreams.

And now that I'm off my medicine I feel more afraid, and I get headaches, and I feel down every day.

And I'm finding it hard to be optimistic right now.

I just feel so badly.

I don't need more controlling people in my life.

I need people that will respect me, people that won't talk over me and shut me down, and tell me that I need to do what they say.

I just don't need that at all.

And I don't want to start taking medicine right now.

Because I feel that people will stigmatize me.

Like they'll think I'm crazy, or something and then I won't be able to get a good job.

I just feel so sad.

[southerngirl]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.

 

Something that struck me to say to you is that you can not allow your fear to control you. I know that you do not want to hear that.

 

I am a rape survivor. I also am an abuse survivor... I also lost my mother to cancer. Should I let all my set backs hold me back from living? Nope.

 

Does that mean that I don't feel fear? Of course I do!

 

That scoundrel controlled your past. Do not let him control your future too. you have the power to own your present and to change your future.

 

Big hugs hon!

[Gracelove]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.

 

Something that struck me to say to you is that you can not allow your fear to control you. I know that you do not want to hear that.

 

I am a rape survivor. I also am an abuse survivor... I also lost my mother to cancer. Should I let all my set backs hold me back from living? Nope.

 

Does that mean that I don't feel fear? Of course I do!

 

That scoundrel controlled your past. Do not let him control your future too. you have the power to own your present and to change your future.

 

Big hugs hon!

 

Hey There Southern Girl!!!

 

Thanks so much for your support.

 

I know what you mean. I don't want him to control my future either.

 

However, after the rape, I really had to relearn myself. It was like I was a completely different person.

I was less tolerant of things.

 

And I think that I'll fully recover, it'll just take some more time.

 

Um, it has been 2 years and some months since the rape, and I feel like I've grown an awful lot.

 

And I can tolerate a lot more.

 

But there are certain things that are too much for me to handle.

 

And I've seen what happens (post-rape) when I over-tax myself.

 

I become suicidal, extremely depressed. And my lowest point ever is when I had to spend 3 days in a psych. ward.

 

That was really hard.

 

And I've had to develop soooo much patience to deal with my new life.

 

And still feel like I don't have enough patience, but I'm grateful for the patience that I do have.

 

And this "opportunity" just harps on too many sensitive issues.

 

And with my cat, that's a really hard area for me to deal with.

 

I was in an abusive realtionship also, and I lost so much as a result of that.

 

I when I was being stalked, I had to give up a cat that I had, and 'til this day thinking about it made me cry.

 

I went through sooo much during that 1.5 year, when I was being stalked.

 

But losing my cat and my apartment was the final straw, that was really so hard for me to take.

 

I've always been a huge animal lover, and being around animals has always been extremely theraputic for me.

 

And since the abuse situation, things have been so down hill.

 

But every day I try to find something positive, something wonderful in the world.

 

And leaving my family, and my cat, being in a strange place.....I mean, today I broke down into tears. And started sobbing untrollably, just at the thought of this happening.

 

And it makes me feel that I'm just not ready to handle something like this. It's not that I'll never be ready, it's just that I'm not right now.

 

I could tackle certain aspects one at a time, but not all together.

 

And I really try so hard to be optimistic, and strong, but I still have so much more healing, and recovery left.

[Gracelove]

You need to do what you think is right at this time in your life. If you're still suffering from emotional problems, maybe it would be best to stay with your family and your cat.

Eventually though, you'll need to leave the nest and build a separate life. But don't do it now if it doesn't feel right.

 

Hey There Binoo!!!

Thanks for your support also. I think you're right, I should do what I think is right. And I just don't feel like this "opportunity" is for me.

I like to socialize and be around people. I want to be a nurse, not an air traffic controller.

I'll be sitting at a desk all day, making sure green dots don't crash into each other.

Aside from that, I don't want to leave my city right now. I have friends here, and my family is here.

My parents don't always respect my wishes (the decisions I make for myself), but they are pretty good at it.

And I trust them more than I do anyone else. And right now I need them.

The people I've trusted most (aside from my parents) have turned their backs on me over the course of the past two years. And it's been extremely traumatizing.

Right now, I crave stability more than I do anything else.

I do want to move out of my parents' house, but I'll be taking my cat with me, and I'll stay close to home at first.

I want to tackle things one at a time, take "baby steps".

Like, first move out, and stay within driving distance of my home.

Then after a little while, maybe I could take a job somewhere else.

Just doing it all at once, would be too traumatic for me.

And I don't want to experience any more Major trauma right now. I just want to get over one thing, before I pile other things on top.

Anywho, thanks so much for your response.

~Grace