Baby's Father Drama

[Anna.]

I am honestly sorry I worked my butt off chasing after a man and going through hell to basically force him to get off drugs and act half (only half, if that) way decent. The man has absolutely horrible anger issues, plus diliberately does things he knows I don't want to do yet (give her food, give her a sippy cup--she's 4 months old), and ignores my calls when he has her. He just completely disrespects me.

 

And now I'm so sick after getting screamed at and cussed out like a dog the last time we spoke that I feel it's best for him NOT to be in her life anymore. bI didn't even raise my voice back or say one cross word to him, I swear to God. His mother, who I thought was watching out, making sure my wishes were respected when he had her also fussed me out and told me all the things she'd been holding in and let me know that they had been doing as they pleased when they had my daughter (he lives with his mother).

 

I know when my daughter is older, he will do things behind my back and tell her not to tell me. He does that to his older daughter that he has no rights to and pays no child support on, either. He also has a son he won't even acknowledge. But he's threatening to get a lawyer and go for custody and/or visitation rights if I try to keep him from her. But I am ready to make him do it. And to fight him every step of the way.

 

The man completely disrespects women and will surely confuse my daughter and let her think its ok to do things behind her mother's back when she's older if he keeps seeing her. He has no charactor or integrity. He CANNOT control his temper to save his life honestly. And I do not want him in my child's life. I thought I could turn him into a good man. I thought it was the drugs that made him sorry. But now I realize it is just him.

 

I am beside myself worrying that his mother will help him actually get a lawyer and try to get rights. but I haven't went for child support or filed the civil suit for all the bills in both our names that he stuck me with. I also plan to contact his ex that has the child he won't claim with and try to get her to file for support so that any judge will see that he has 2 other children that he is not fighting for or supporting, so why is he fighting for just mine? His son is a year and a half older than our daughter, it's not too late, that baby isn't even 2 yet. And his older daughter (who he abandoned when she was 2 or 3, and who's mother had to divorce him in his absense b/c he left the state and didn't tell anyone where he was) is 8 now.

 

I'm fine giving him supervised visits now at my mother's house (who he still gets along with), but never leaving her alone with him or his family again.

 

Now his side: He does truly love her to death. And his family is actually very upstanding, but his mother and sister are defending him to the end just b/c he is doing better than he's ever done (thanks to me), but he still sucks. And I don't want her to have contact with the family, b/c they will just let him see her and disrespect my wishes about when and how to do things.

 

I know, i know, i made a HORRIBLE decision making a baby with this man, but what do you guys think about the whole situation? Am I wrong for trying to keep her from someone with such horrible character and such an awful temper?

[DN]

Whether you are wrong or right is for you to decide. But I think you may have a hard time convincing a judge to back you up when you say that he should not be in her life because he doesn't treat the baby as you want him to - things like food and the sippy cup, for instance.

 

When you have the baby with you then you can determine what should happen - but when she is with him it is his decision and providing there is no actual harm being done a judge usually will not look with favour on one parent demanding that the other 'respect their wishes' over things like that.

 

Similarly it will not look good if you try to cut the baby off from her family - and that is the correct terminology - his family is also your daughter's family.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He will most likely do exactly what he did with his other kids... after a couple of years lose interest and fade away. People tend to run true to course based on their prior behavior.

 

But he may love a fight, which is exactly what this is about... he WANTS to fight about this. In which case, the more you fight, the worse it gets.

 

I suggest you first sit down and reason with him. Tell him that if he doesn't back off, you will immediately sue for full custody AND child support. The thing that seems to get him running away is when he actually has to take responsibility and/or pay child support.

 

As long as you are not asking for child support you have made his life very easy, and he is bluffing you. He may be thinking, i'll get the kid and pay no money, or she'll have to pay me support. But what are the odds a judge will take a drug addict with 3 kids scattered around seriously? The judge just won't, so he is shooting himself in the foot if he tries it.

 

I would quietly gather all the information you need to prove he is a deadbeat and a drug addict, then sit him down and try to negotiate with him. I think you do need a legal custody agreement in place to protect yourself and your child. He also should be paying child support.

 

You have to accept that he does have a right to visitation unless he is shown to endanger the child. Giving her a cup or not doesn't fall into that category of worthy to deprive him of parental rights. You may not respect him, but unless he is dangerous to the child and you can prove it in court, he will be granted visitation. If he is actively using drugs, he most likely will not be allowed unsupervised visitation.

 

I think the quickest way to hurry him down the road is to seek formal full custody and child support from him. He might agree to relinquish visitation if you agree to waive child support, or agree to only see her in supervised situations.

 

Protect yourself and the child first by getting legal custody, then start negotiating with him while that is in progress.

[Anna.]

Thanks BSBH! As it is I do have full legal custody right now, because we were never married. And in Ga if you are not married it doesn't matter that he signed the birth certificate and a paternity statement acknowledging he's her father, he still has no legal rights to her whatsoever. But he IS still responsible for child support w/o legal rights.

[Excalibur]

Courts have laws and precedents and what you "feel or believe" is not going to change what he gets and is entitled to in the eyes of the law.

[BornToResist]

Believe me, I know where you are coming from.

 

But try to think reasonably. You say he has a horrible temper...has he ever hit you? What does he do? Has he ever touched your baby when he was mad or in an aggressive manner or put her at severe risk?

 

Parenting is VERY hard to do even under the best of circumstances. But honestly you have to realize that if you want your child to have a father, he will do things you don't want him to do. You will find out that everything isn't being done YOUR way...but it is being done, right? Is the baby fed, changed, taken care of, loved? You seem to be pushing for him to be in your daughters life (I'm sorry if I'm wrong, I haven't read any more of your story I don't think...) which I think is the best thing in most cases and in which you will have to deal with the fact that things will go on that you won't always know about and things will not be done your way (even if it is the best way).

 

I can tell you are angry at him and the situation. That's not wrong. I'm sure you have every single right to feel everything you are feeling at the moment. But think about how your daughter will benefit from each situation.

 

Please think long and hard before starting a court battle. Those are exhausting, time consuming and man are they expensive...You have full custody. What else are you going for?

 

If you are going for money, there might be other ways about getting that, like contacting your state's district attorney. If you do go to court, the chances are pretty much 99.999% that he will get visitation with his daughter and there will be a court order saying that he can take her at so-and-so a time and he doesn't have to tell you what they do, where they go, who they see, what she eats or even answer his phone... just think it through...

[Anna.]

thanks BTR you were right aout everything you said.

 

My fear is that she will learn that its ok to do things behind mommy's back or to just not tell mommy certain things. And then my authority is compromised and that is really scary. Like, if its ok to do things momy doesn't like or think acceptable at daddy's, then its ok to do them and God knows what else, elsewhere as well, you know?

[DN]

thanks BTR you were right aout everything you said.

 

My fear is that she will learn that its ok to do things behind mommy's back or to just not tell mommy certain things. And then my authority is compromised and that is really scary. Like, if its ok to do things momy doesn't like or think acceptable at daddy's, then its ok to do them and God knows what else, elsewhere as well, you know?

The rule is that when you are with me you do what I say and when you are with Daddy you do what he says.

 

Kids can adapt quite easily to different rules in different places. It happens at school for instance - they can or can't do things they can or can't at home; or one teacher may have different rules from another.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Well that makes it easy if he has no legal rights. Just tell him he can only see her at your mother's house. I think he will get tired of that structure and eventually fade away like he did with his other kids. He won't do her much emotional harm now due to her age, and if she is physically protected at your mothers that would be a good solution.

[BornToResist]

thanks BTR you were right aout everything you said.

 

My fear is that she will learn that its ok to do things behind mommy's back or to just not tell mommy certain things. And then my authority is compromised and that is really scary. Like, if its ok to do things momy doesn't like or think acceptable at daddy's, then its ok to do them and God knows what else, elsewhere as well, you know?

 

Well then that's where being a good parent comes in I think. You will learn how to handle that when it comes along. You can keep an open line of communication and tell her that you know that things will be different at Daddy's house, or at school, girls scouts, etc., but if anything makes her feel uncomfortable, sad or upset at all, she can come to you and you won't be mad at her for anything she tells you. Let her be close to your family members so if there's anything she wants to say (whether it's a big thing or not) she will always have someone to go to. You know?

 

I think if you lead by example and give her clear guidelines that's all you can really do. There will always be someone in her life doing something they shouldn't be doing and you just have to hope that you raised her well to know right from wrong.

 

Take it day by day hun. If he loves her and you don't think he'll put her in danger then I say just take a deep breath and try to think about her and if knowing her father is what you think is best, you gotta give and take. Give a little control away for her to have a relationship with her.

 

If he left his other kids that's something entirely different I think. If she comes to you and asks why don't I know my daddy, do you really want to say it's because of you? Because you wouldn't give him a chance to know her?

 

I hope I didn't offend you, I have thought long and hard about this subject. And although it might not be your ideal way to parent, you can do it. And well. Who knows, he might actually surprise you one day.

[JadedStar]

Thanks BSBH! As it is I do have full legal custody right now, because we were never married. And in Ga if you are not married it doesn't matter that he signed the birth certificate and a paternity statement acknowledging he's her father, he still has no legal rights to her whatsoever. But he IS still responsible for child support w/o legal rights.

 

To me that sounds wrong. If a man is responsible for full child support he should have some rights in the child's life.

 

I understand that you don't like what he does, but kids are pretty resilient.

 

If he dutifully pays his support he should have some presense in her life.

 

I think in the long run it might be more harmful to her to find out one day you blocked her relationship with her father. If he is a bit more irresponsible than you, sure that is frustrating, but it happens all the time. Kids adapt. I am sure he loves her.

[Anna.]

BTR, you're right. you did not offend me BTR. It does have a lot to do with control. I have anxiety issues and i just want to be able to KNOW she's ok all the time. But he wouldn't ever purposely put her in danger. I worry though, b/c he's just more daring and carefree (to put it nicely) with her than I am. I am not overprotective, really. Well, I am when she's with people other than myself, though, if that makes sense.

 

I tried to explain to people: it's honestly like when she's not with me, I've left a body part with someone else. Like I left my arm with somebody to watch over. Except its more than that, it's my whole heart I've left them to care for. And I'm the one that has devoted my life to raising her right now, you know? She's it for me, my heart and my soul, and I worry that she's not that for everybody else. I know they love her too, but I know that I know best. I am her mother. And it's b/c I research everything before i make decisions on how to do things. and I feel SO disrespected when I politely express my wishes and he totally ignores them out of spite.

 

It makes me wonder if he's worth it, to be in her life at all. He treats me so disrespectfully, aside from her, too. Then I just wonder if that is the kind of man I want her to see as a role model. His father was like that and that's why he thinks its ok.

 

And his other kids, how do I explain why he has no relationship with one, a very limited relationship with another one, but fights to see her, you know? It's just all so difficult. But he is her father, and that's what I always come back to. Like it or not, her genes are half his and he does truly love her.

 

 

Edit: and JS, he's not paying child support but i could make him, but I'm not right now and he's not giving me money right now either for her. He was giving me very small amounts, but when we fight he doesn't even do that.

[Anna.]

Actually the day after we got in the break-up fight before we knew it was over for good though, our power and our water got cut off and I called him, he told me to deal with it. He said he'd just stay at his mom's. Even after I said, "your daughter and I don't have a place we feel comfortable going, this is her home." I had to beg and borrow to pay all of our bills and he hasn't even come close to paying me back even his half of the bills we incurred together. He has given me a good bit of money towards that and then like $70 altogether in a month and a half for our daughter aside from him paying on the money he owes me.

[BornToResist]

You don't have to defend yourself. You are protective of your daughter, just as you should be. You don't have to explain to anyone that you aren't "overprotective" because who cares? You know more about this man than a lot of people do and so much has happened between the two of you that you are naturally going to feel resentment and anger towards him. That's perfectly fine and healthy if you learn to deal with it correctly. You are allowed to be angry.

 

But all I'm saying is just think before you hand the situation over to a judge who will never even know what your daughter looks like...he'll be the one to sign the papers saying that no matter how you feel, you have to drop your child off with this person you doubt you ever even knew and hope that everything will be okay.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, nobody should ever have to. You seem like a good mother and I think that these are all perfectly normal feelings to have about your child. Don't apologize for them.