Stages of 'Moving On'

[Loris]

I posted last summer about about my break up and thankfully I got over it. Brief background as follows:

 

We went out for 3 yrs, shared a lot, soul mate etc, she moved jobs, someone fancied her, she loved attention, took time with each other for granted, aggressive to me, we break up, she's with other guy, I grovel and get needy (then discover ENA), I move away for new job more money etc, she starts having back time with new guy even though we occasionally text and speak, conversations on phone get longer, I travel 2 hours to see her often for an evening, she comes to see me, no sex but hugs and long walks and talks, we sleep in same bed and cuddle, still no sex. Then sex in November and sex in February. I quit job because company is unstable and I don't want to get let off (probably key to next part). End of March she starts being stand-offish with me saying its not right and not healthy doing this if we have no interest in being a couple. I agree saying we're just friends (although I want more but don't say but I'm happy having contact and still doing things together). Anyway, come April I have some job interviews, I stay at hers and she's distant. I suspect another guy and evidence is there, such as car parked in driveway that she denies is anything to do with her - I reluctantly believe her. Even more distant I crave more contact and ask what the hell is going on (getting needy again I think) then call her a couple of weeks ago and she blurts out she's been with another guy and snogged him. Only it turns out to be the guy she's been calling a loser and flirt for that last month or so.

 

Aaaaaaaaaanyway, I hope you got the gist. The problem is this...

 

... I spent the last couple of weeks back to square one. I felt insecure, I needed a job (which is probably why she went with another guy from work) and had no one to really call upon. However, I can deal with being single but I can't deal picturing her with another guy, especially one she's been dissing to my face! Even though she says its for fun (rebound).

 

Ok, the problem - I heard that there are different phsycological changes that one goes through during a break up. Perhaps they go something like this, first the sadness and needy feelings, then the self loathing, then the anger and bitterness. What then?

 

Reason I ask is because I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP SHE'S HAVING, to the point where its driving me nuts!! I try not to think about it and do other things but I often slip into it again. I'm done being emotional, I have down days because I'm not working and I'm alone but nothing major as I always remain positive. So what's this other stage? What next? Why am I so angry and bitter about it? I'm I nearly over it?

[wizard71]

The next stage is acceptance. I have been where you are. With a girl 7 years, she left me, next day had a new man. The thought of them together hurt like * * * * .But all that thinking about it gradually de-sensitized me. It will be the same for you too. In fact, it helped me let go a lot quicker than i otherwise would have. Buy trying not to think about it means that you are discounting what is happening. Let the thoughts come and go as they please, dont fight them.

[Loris]

Sweet dude. I think I'm on my way (again). Talk about never making the same mistake 3 times.

 

I still love her though. Is this normal? I mean, I'm the forgiving type because I'm a sucker for punishment, I'm tolerant and kind, (but I'm not f'ing stupid) so I could take her back although naturally I'd have some reservations! I know the advice would be to let it go, but please say if different.

[wizard71]

Yes of course its still normal to love her. I still 'love' my ex and that was years ago. I didnt want her back though, not really, it was just an ego thing but to be rejected and replaced is like a kick in the nuts from a horse. I wasnt working either which was partly the reason for my breakup, but i went and got a part time job and my social life took off from there, and eventually my anger turned to apathy. But more importantly than letting her go or not, is making sure that you dont let yourself go. Its much easier to think of what was or could have been, than what could BE for you personally. Life is an adventure mate, you have to welcome it to get to the last page of the book

[pumpkinmoon]

I think there comes a time in the healing process where you start to just "not care much anymore".

 

i have had these kind of thoughts but they are often conflicted with wanting him back and missing him.

[Loris]

I think there comes a time in the healing process where you start to just "not care much anymore".

 

i have had these kind of thoughts but they are often conflicted with wanting him back and missing him.

 

I guess these feelings can be confused for that too. Its up to you which you choose to believe!

[pumpkinmoon]

I don't think its a case of chosing what to believe, I don't think we can control our feelings. If we could none of us would be feeling like we do right now.

 

I think we can try to tay positive about life and help ourselves as best we can but the feelings will come and go as they please.

[Keyman]

I too will always love my ex, even though we were completely wrong for each other and she spent more time trying to work the world for herself instead of for us. Right now I'm in-hate with her, and this will help me not to buckle and take her back if you asks. It's helping me to keep my distance. Yes we all need to let go. Don't take her back even if you will be getting something out of it. She does not want to be in a couple with you so draw a line, cross it and never go back.

[Keyman]

..

God, I can't wait for that to happen.

 

 

What are you waiting for? MAKE it happen. Stop wallowing and get on with it!

[pumpkinmoon]

What are you waiting for? MAKE it happen. Stop wallowing and get on with it!

 

I dont think it is possible to make it happen, I think it has to happen on its own. I have been through the hate phase too, and it doesn't last that long, but I still have days where i hate him now.

 

I think we have to feel all the emotions we have to get over them. By forcing ourselves to hate them, we are blocking out our true feelings, thereforeeee we are not dealing with them. And if we don't deal with them now I think it will hit us like a ton of bricks sooner or later!