7 months

[BellaDonna]

What I mean by "supposed to be better" isn't that I'm supposed to be back to normal but that by this time, I shouldn't still be crippled by this yet that's how I feel

 

According to who?

 

Once again, you are being very hard on yourself. What happened in your life was profound. It's going to change who you are, and your view of the world- forever. However that does not mean you are doomed to a future filled with devastation or sadness. It simply means that this is one of the experiences in your life that is going to leave an mark on you. It is going to effect the way you treat others in this world. Whether you realize it or not, it has already made you a stronger person. You have indeed made "progress" (progress does not mean getting over what happened- it means learning something from it-) I see your progress every time I read one of your replies in the suicide forum to a person who is thinking of taking their life. Whether you realize it not- you have become empowered in many ways. You have become an advocate. You have a drive and a will within you to help others as a result of your tragic experience. You have an understanding that many people do not have.

 

It's very unfortunate that you have this understanding by living it (in both losing your GF and feeling depressed yourself) but what I see is someone who has learned a lot and is trying to help others. If that's not progress, I don't know what is.

[Crinny]

Storey--hang in there; I've been 8 months without my soulmate, business partner and father of my children this week. A sudden, unexpected death. My kids and business keep me running and distracted; thereforeeee my grief work is sporadic and can pop up in the most unexpected times and places. I feel fragmented, frazzled and never know how each day will go. But I try to be okay with whatever is going on. I've started talking to him this week. Sounds crazy, but seems to help.

I only now am beginning to feel I am over the initial shock. Mourning has moved from my head to my heart, finally. I am thawing out. I am feeling the pain. Even in the worst of times, I tell myself to feel the feelings and work through them.

 

Screw those who can't understand that you are "still" mourning. They have not been there and we have, my friend. It is a process, and a journey like no other.

 

I think my kids and I have learned and will continue to experience painful but deep and even beautiful lessons about life and love from all of this.

 

Yes, the price is staggering for these lessons, but on the flip side, I believe that thereforeeee, we'd better pay attention to them. God forbid we pay such a high price and just wither and fade away. I, for one, am going to try to get my money's worth!!

 

I feel this is true even in my worst days and moments (and they are plentiful, trust me).

 

By the way, I couldn't even begin to think of moving at this point. Still saying goodbye. Just only getting to the point of getting rid of some possesions at this point.

 

And BTW, I often think about how this feels like being an amputee, or that my life has a "scorch and burn" quality to it. Yet, yet, every once in a while a blade of grass pops out of the earth where my previous life grew and thrived before my husbands death. It's strange how multi-dimensional this experience has been; nothing like I would have predicted.

 

Best of luck.

[KG]

Yes, the price is staggering for these lessons, but on the flip side, I believe that thereforeeee, we'd better pay attention to them. God forbid we pay such a high price and just wither and fade away. I, for one, am going to try to get my money's worth!!

 

Spot on! Perfectly said!

[15 Storeys High]

8 months is looming. Always the 8's. I used to quite like the number 8. I always used to consider it kind of a lucky number. I had a great 8th birthday. One of the only decent ones. Guess that was a fluke or something. Stupid number. I really don't want another 8th to roll by. I say it every month, like a broken record....jump, jump, jump.....stuck on the same thing and I know the date shouldn't have such a stupid effect but it does. She just gets further and further away and all I want is for her to stay close to me. She's fading away and I hate it. I was wondering today.....what it would be like if I had found her earlier. If I'd gone home earlier. What if she had survived? What would our life be like now? I miss her. My whole body aches, my chest hurts, my eyes sting, my head feels heavy. I still hear her crying. All the things I wish I'd said or did are all playing like a jumbled loop of madness in my head over and over again. Her smell is fading, even on her clothes. Everything is fading no matter what I do. It's all slipping through my fingers.

[BellaDonna]

Her physical presense has drifted away with the passing time, but you have her in your heart.

 

I was wondering today.....what it would be like if I had found her earlier. If I'd gone home earlier. What if she had survived?

It's too bad that the story did not have a happy ending. Sadly, sometimes when a person is really set on committing suicide, they come up with a plan so that they will not be found in time. If it was something she planned -there was nothing you could do. (In fact- you may not have known it was coming because someone who has decided to commit suicide often seems to suddenly get "better". They become happy and calm- because in their mind they have found the solution to their problem) It's not your fault- you could not have known this would happen- you could not stop it. If you came home early that day, it might have been another day. All of the questions you are asking are completely normal- but you need to know that it's not your fault.

[KG]

Storeys,

This is happening to me too. I mentioned boxing up her things soon...was expecting them to still have her scent on them...nothing! This was the biggest letdown...I want to remember the way she smelled...it's GONE...and I can't get it back...I can't remember it back, I can't will it back...she is slipping away also....not in my heart, but in everything else. This F ing blows....besides the pics, and memories...I want MORE>>>>>

[Dagless]

It's five months for me tomorrow. It's funny I never even thought about it until I saw it was the 3rd today. Looking back it seems like it all happened years ago but when you say five months that's five months without her and that feels like a lifetime.

I almost feel the opposite to you storeys, it's not that I want to lose her but I can't keep looking at her things and photographs, it just feels like stabbing myself with what I can never have again, with what has been left in the past and I can never hold or kiss ever again.

 

I really just want to move on, to say that was a beautiful thing we had but it's gone now, it's all in the past but I can't because I still love her, I'm still in love with her. And I know it must sound an awful thing to say but I wish I could just switch it off so that I didn't feel this way anymore, so that I'd stop getting that feeling like I have a brick in my stomach every time I think about her. But I can't.

 

I wish I could say something deep like it's not what you lose but what stays with you, those things that will never fade with time. The trust is I'm not sure, right now if I believe in that. Maybe in time I will learn to cherish all that I can't leave behind and maybe you will too.

[15 Storeys High]

It's not your fault- you could not have known this would happen- you could not stop it. If you came home early that day, it might have been another day. All of the questions you are asking are completely normal- but you need to know that it's not your fault.

 

No. It wasn't directly my fault. It wasn't hers either. The guilt I feel is because I couldn't do anything, couldn't protect her, couldn't help her, couldn't make it better for her.....What kind of fiancee can't do any of those things? I feel like I let her down, like I disappointed her and I know I shouldn't be so selfish as to say that because what she was feeling was so much bigger than that. But she made my life better you know? She made me better. And I couldn't do the same for her. She had to kill herself to try and get away from her pain....but did she even do that? IS she at peace? If she is then why am I still hearing her crying? I can hear her. I know I can. It's not a memory. It's her, now, where ever she is. I'm not crazy...I know she's crying and it's killing me. I hate going to bed. I hate closing my eyes and I hate going to sleep because that's all I see and all I hear. And now I'm rambling. So I should just stop. This run up to the 8th every month just makes me fall apart. And then it takes the rest of the month to get over it and then it's there again before I know it. I'm not getting any further. I'm just going backwards and and forwards to the same spot over and over again. I lose all sense of reason and nothing makes sense and I know I talk a load of rubbish that makes no sense and I can just picture you rolling your eyes in exasperation at the same posts every month but I can't help it.

 

Storeys,

This is happening to me too. I mentioned boxing up her things soon...was expecting them to still have her scent on them...nothing! This was the biggest letdown...I want to remember the way she smelled...it's GONE...and I can't get it back...I can't remember it back, I can't will it back...she is slipping away also....not in my heart, but in everything else. This F ing blows....besides the pics, and memories...I want MORE>>>>>

 

Does there being no smell make you think you should have done it earlier? I mean, when the smell was still there, faintly lingering. Maybe it would have been better to put it away then instead of the shock of it seemingly suddenly fading away now? Wanting more....Yeah. Me too. Me too.

 

It's five months for me tomorrow. It's funny I never even thought about it until I saw it was the 3rd today. Looking back it seems like it all happened years ago but when you say five months that's five months without her and that feels like a lifetime.

I almost feel the opposite to you storeys, it's not that I want to lose her but I can't keep looking at her things and photographs, it just feels like stabbing myself with what I can never have again, with what has been left in the past and I can never hold or kiss ever again.

 

I really just want to move on, to say that was a beautiful thing we had but it's gone now, it's all in the past but I can't because I still love her, I'm still in love with her. And I know it must sound an awful thing to say but I wish I could just switch it off so that I didn't feel this way anymore, so that I'd stop getting that feeling like I have a brick in my stomach every time I think about her. But I can't.

 

I wish I could say something deep like it's not what you lose but what stays with you, those things that will never fade with time. The trust is I'm not sure, right now if I believe in that. Maybe in time I will learn to cherish all that I can't leave behind and maybe you will too.

 

Five months Dag.....I'm thinking of you today mate. I know you'll be okay. Your sense of self and the way you handle it amazes me. She'd be proud of you, but then, you already know that or at least I hope you do. I wish I didn't have to keep giving myself that stabbing feeling everyday but I suppose I just feel like I have to feel what she felt....to sort of understand why she did it. Not I'll ever really know. All I have is her note and guesses. She said that what we had couldn't survive what she'd become and she didn't want it to be ruined or posioned by her. She wanted it to stay how it was. So, that's how it's going to be. It's going to stay like she wanted it to. I'm going to make sure of it. I'm hers even though she's not here. Sometimes I wish her face would fade away or her crying would fade away but at the same time if that's the only time I get to see or hear her then I'll take it.

[CallingAllAngels]

I'm not getting any further. I'm just going backwards and and forwards to the same spot over and over again. I lose all sense of reason and nothing makes sense and I know I talk a load of rubbish that makes no sense and I can just picture you rolling your eyes in exasperation at the same posts every month but I can't help it.

 

You ARE getting further....you just don't see it.

 

You have made remarkable progress. Please keep posting. NONE OF US ROLL OUR EYES AT YOU!

 

NEVER....EVER

 

~Allie

[15 Storeys High]

I roll my eyes at myself

[BellaDonna]

No. It was directly my fault. It wasn't hers either. The guilt I feel is because I couldn't do anything, couldn't protect her, couldn't help her, couldn't make it better for her.....What kind of fiancee can't do any of those things?

 

A human one. Because no mortal person can single-handedly chase away a severe depression and suicidal thoughts in another person -especially a lover. Depression is a clinical illness. You did not stand a chance of fixing her depression on your own. The most any person can to do try to help someone who is suicidal is to try to urge them to get help. But in the end if the individual is not ready or open to treatment, or mentally able to benefit from it at the time, then there is not much you can do.

 

I feel like I let her down, like I disappointed her and I know I shouldn't be so selfish as to say that because what she was feeling was so much bigger than that.

 

 

Well, I think you are resorting to self-blame without seeing the whole picture. There were 2 people in the situation- you and your fiance. She was ill- it was out of her control at the time, and most certainly out of your control. Only she could be the one to have the control to make the outcome of this story different. You could try to help her of course (which I'm sure you did), but you could not take away her free will. I wish the story could have a happy ending, but she chose to take her life. It was indeed a choice she made. Of course her choice was not made with a clear or well mind- but again, it not your fault. She also let you down, and all those that cared for her, and most of all, herself with the very tragic choice she made. -To say that you let her down and that this is your fault because you could not help to combat her depression as her fiance is simply assigning UNEARNED guilt to yourself.

 

You must read your words again:

 

I feel like I let her down, like I disappointed her and I know I shouldn't be so selfish

 

She let you down too, and disappointed you- and made a very sad and selfish choice that hurt all those that loved her. And it's okay to feel mad about that. I have not seen you express any anger about that yet (guilt is probably stopping you) But do remember that to feel mad about her choice does not mean you love her any less. When you write how much you dislike yourself because you "let her down" - realize that same sentiment could also be seen in the reverse manner in this situation. I know it's very hard but you have to try to see the full picture in this situation.

 

I think it is terrible that she made the choice that she did because it is clear that you loved her so much. But sometimes love is not enough to combat a force as destructive and a deep clinical depression. As her partner, you had nothing but the BEST intentions for her. You were about to ask for her hand in marriage- which I'm sure you were hoping would make her happy. What else could she ask for? It sounds like you were a wonderful and caring partner. This situation was bigger than you though. There is no way you could have fixed it on your own.

 

I roll my eyes at myself

 

 

If you are doing this, then believe or not- this is a good sign. It might even mean that your sub-conscious does not fully believe and agree with some of the negative things you are saying about yourself. I certainly will not agree with the negative things you say about yourself (if you have not already noticed lol

[CallingAllAngels]

Having lived through my boyfriend's suicide, I agree with Donna's post.

 

I was EXTREMELY angry. No, not at first. But eventually I was damn angry. I felt left behind in a world all alone with no answers.

 

I wanted to know how he could have done this to me...and I asked myself this question over and over again, only to get no answer: Just silence.

 

I think this stage of grief will come for you, if you let it. I too have noticed that you are not angry, and I wonder if perhaps your guilt at not being able to save her is so all consuming that it has turned itself inside out.

 

Do you ever ask why you're not angry at her for leaving you behind?

 

It's NOT your fault. Those who are so set on ending their lives are not in their right mind, and, in the end, don't want to be saved anyway.

 

There was NOTHING you could have done. If it was not that night, it would have been the next night, or the next week, or the next month.

 

I know you love her. No one doubts that.

[15 Storeys High]

Angry at her? Why? If I'm angry at anyone it's the scumbag that made her like she was. If I'm angry at anything it's that all the medical know how in the world didn't save her. I can't be angry at her.....she's already upset...maybe regrets her decision. I'm angry at everything but her.

[BellaDonna]

Angry at her? Why?

 

For not holding on. For leaving you in a trail of sorrow. For letting the scumbag that hurt her get the best of her.

 

By all means, if you are not angry at her I'm not saying you have to be. But just know that if you ever feel that way at some point through your grieving process, that it's ok.

[CallingAllAngels]

I just meant angry for leaving you behind. But I see where you are at. You are angry that the best in modern medicine could not help her...that the demons got the best of her.

 

Not everyone has to be angry to grieve...I think I get where you are coming from now.

[Dagless]

I wanted to post something here today just to say thanks for thinking about me today Storeys, I'm thinking of you too mate. I totally understand everything you have said and none of it sounds crazy or like rambling. Maybe when you find yourself typing like that you shouldn't stop, just get it all out. I want to write more but I'm finding it hard to focus my thoughts today or I'm scared to focus them, I'm not sure.

[15 Storeys High]

Dag - Just say whatever wants to come out. Random words, phrases.......whatever...none of it has to flow or make sense to anyone.

[KG]

Just wanted Storeys and Dag's to know I'm thinking of them....Today would have been our 26th anniversary...yet I feel nothing. No sorrow, no grief. And I don't know why.

Could I have cried it all out?

[Dagless]

Thanks KG,

One thing I have always try to keep in mind is that you should never ponder on the thoughts we think or on feeling we feel because they sway all the time. I have gone a few weeks with out crying and I feel OK and then I'll have a little cry or sometimes a not so little cry and I just think "Hey, it's just the way I feel right now".

 

I don't think there is a limit on tears, just as there is no limits to love.

[CallingAllAngels]

Thanks KG,

One thing I have always try to keep in mind is that you should never ponder on the thoughts we think or on feeling we feel because they sway all the time. I have gone a few weeks with out crying and I feel OK and then I'll have a little cry or sometimes a not so little cry and I just think "Hey, it's just the way I feel right now".

 

I don't think there is a limit on tears, just as there is no limits to love.

 

Excellent post Dags.....

[tiredofvampires]

Oh so much to say here, so much to catch up on...and so little opportunity at the moment. (You know the situation.) But I really wanted you to know you are kept in my thoughts, Storeys, at this hardest of times for you and give you just a wee bit of something to ponder until I can post some more.

 

I know the questions and "what if's" are tantalizing, agonizing and completely consuming. This is, as others have said, entirely normal that you are continuing to feel such a deep sense of "if only", regret and wanting to rewind all of this, erase what has happened, and just be back to where you were, when life was moving on the way "it should have been." What if, if only...I totally get this. I do this a great deal in my own life, over things so much more insignificant as well as things of magnitude that have changed the course of my life.

 

But for a moment, I want you to consider a different set of what-ifs (and you will excuse the morbidity of all this, but bear with me):

 

What if this had never happened, but 3 years down the line, she was killed in a traffic accident? Or she slipped and fell, and wound up in an indefinitely long coma? OR -- YOU were fatally hit by a car 8 months after you proposed to her, or some psycho brandished a gun on you somewhere and killed you, leaving her to be the one to pick up the pieces without you to protect her anymore or be a companion in this life?

 

What I am getting at with this is that we come to this life -- each and every last one of us -- having to face the unknown and the precariousness of life. The fact that at any point, things could change on a dime, take a sharp left, suddenly yank the carpet, the floor and the world out from under our feet. And guess what? We don't get a say in these kinds of matters. Without getting into a discussion of destiny or fate right now, what this boils down to is that there is no way of preparing for the treacherous road called life. There is no way of preventing it from unfolding as it does. We have some level of control in the sense that we can call our awareness to our emotions, to the way our minds work and become more and more conscious of how we relate to others, ourselves and our circumstances but for the most part, we are handed things in this life by a force that we cannot understand, that says, "Here. This is the deal. Do with it what you can...may...must."

 

Is this a raw deal you have? Yes, yes, yes, yes. There is no getting around that one, no window dressing it. But I think it is very important to know that even if THIS hadn't happened and you could rewind and undo it all -- who the hell knows what Life EVER has in store for us? We cannot predict. This was one of an infinite list of possibilities of what could have happened in your life story. And that is no one's fault. And as infuriating as this is on one hand to say, saying, "It just IS" is the bottom line, and in a way it frees you from the misperception that you owed her something you didn't give her and that you failed her. It is not something you could have changed by being something or someone else and I think you might go deep into the heart of your guilt feelings and explore that feeling underneath it -- which is helplessness. The feeling of being helpless in the face of things you could not control. Permit yourself to release yourself from guilt about that which you were helpless over. And when you realize fully the scariness of that, (as I have felt in my life), perhaps it might help you, as it helps me, to instead of berating the self for your perceived role in this, your imagined sense of control, instead replace that with compassion for that almost childlike feeling of having nothing to truly protect you or rely on to keep you safe from what could or might happen at ANY point as a result of any set of circumstances that we cannot foresee. Just let that fearful helpless feeling be, and feel some tenderness towards it as you would towards a scared little child. We are none of us given crystal balls to see into, and I think it's a damn good idea we don't get them -- because the vast majority of us would probably take a running leap off the cliff if we could see any of it coming before it does.

 

So...when you feel yourself falling into that despairing place of "what if", stop for a moment to consider that the "what if's" are actually infinite. You could what-if the future of your life and hers, and you lives together from now until...forever. And there would still be no security in knowing anything would be as you wanted and imagined it to work out.

 

That is a fact, that is the state of affairs. There is no way to prepare for what has happened to you here...but yet, we must remain aware of this "no preparation" state of affairs...and be prepared for THAT.

 

I also believe that she was very determined to succeed in her plan and as others have said, there was no stopping that. I believe how she went about things was very deliberate, and calculated to work. I think she felt that doing this in a botched manner would be the worst of all outcomes, and saw to it that it would be completed without your being able to intervene. It's so, so sad, beyond words...that she was so intent upon this. But there was nothing you could have done for the reasons Bella has said. And I think that even though that brings up more helplessness and sickening dead-endedness, you've got to see that she DID have a say, she WAS responsible for this decision. You've got to say, "I allow her to be her own person. I allow that she made this call. I allow that she looked at her options, weighed them and among a variety of possible choices, she decided this was the one for her." And then step a bit away from that because she was in charge of her own personal path. We are all connected, I believe; but each of us has to honor what the solo paths are of one another....even if it wrenches us limb from limb to realize how limited our power is over another's destiny.

 

I have more to say....but can only say this much for now....

 

Keep your mind out in "the big picture" mode as much as humanly possible, because the little one is a slayer. It slays us with the "facts", even though there are larger truths to be had...it slays us with the notion that we have power over things we don't, and that we don't have power over the few (the very few) things we do.

 

I only rolled my eyes because you're so wrong about the whole rolling the eyes bit; and you NEVER ramble, everything you have to say is entirely ok and right and good to say, everything you bring up -- and I have great faith that you are moving mountains, but mountains don't appear to move for their size, while you are moving them.

 

P.S. Dags and KG, you are in my thoughts as well and I will be talking to you soon...I'm glad you are both hunkering down with some really big changes and transitions and insights, of all kinds...being so honest with yourselves, as there is nowhere to hide from change. xx's to you all...

[lostwithouthim]

Storeys,

 

I have to admit I haven't been a frequent reader or poster on this site since my partner of 8 yrs died 9 months ago, but every time I log in I'm amazed that so many other people are going through many of the same things I'm feeling/dealing with. I'm truly sorry for your loss. My partner died instantly when a drunk driver hit our car on Labor Day 2007...as I sat beside him. I was conscious through the whole thing and walked out of the car with only minor (physical) injuries. I haven't read up on your whole story/early posts, but based on what I've learned reading just a few of your posts I'd guess you're dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in addition to the grief/loss. I've had 2 psychologists, 1 social worker and 1 physician all tell me that is one of the things I'm dealing with. So often I don't know where the PTSD ends and where the grief begins.

 

Much of the winter I spent emotionally/mentally 'paralyzed'--sitting in front of my tv or computer watching movie after movie after movie...just zoning out. Many of those times I couldn't tell you what I was feeling--I think I was just numb on such a deep level that my mind and at times my body simply froze for hours on end.

 

Like you...I've had to deal with feelings of guilt. What if we'd left earlier as we'd originally planned? what if I had been driving? what if we canceled our trip to visit friends and instead stayed home? Although ultimately I know in my head that the only person responsible for his death is the drunk driver, I still hear the 'what ifs' ringing in my head.

 

I completely 'get it' when you talk about the fact that you feel you 'should be back to normal'. Everyone on here 'gets it' as well, but there are SO MANY people out there that think if they see me in the grocery store or eating lunch with a friend in a cafe or walking my dog down the street that I'm 'normal'. They say things like "I'm so glad to see you're moving on" or "It's so good to see that you're getting your life back to normal". I want to knock their lights out. NORMAL??? I will never have another 'normal' day as long as I live. I am forever changed--now I truly know that not everyone I know dies when they're old and sick and it has me constantly asking 'who is next?'. We all live...we all die. Dying is a consequence of living and that is one hell of a hard lesson to learn/comprehend.

 

One thing a couple of different people told me in the beginning which I truly believe in...is...avoid making any major decisions or changes to your life in the first year. I'm so glad someone told me that. We're not necessarily in a mindset to make major decisions like moving, throwing things out, etc... in the middle of the grief. I've been trying to fix up a couple of the rooms in the house to get my mind off of things (and with significant help from friends) and that has seemed to help a bit. With major, tragic deaths such as those our soul mates experienced our whole lives have changed. I've described the way I feel as being flown to another planet and dropped off. So many things seem unfamiliar, nerve wracking, etc... Our worlds (everything we put faith and trust in, everything that seemed like a certainty) have been erased. I've actually had a friend say to me "You could do anything you want with your life at this stage"...my response..."everything I want is gone and I can't get him back". I'm learning that I'll need to reconstruct my life without the most important part of me and that just seems completely stupid/pointless to me. We are being forced to create new realities for ourselves all because of a decision someone else made. Don't reconstruct any part of your life until you're sure you are ready.

 

I do feel for you. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other not worrying about where you're going at this point. God...it's so easy to write this stuff down, but so difficult to do it. I'm wondering if you made up your bedroom in such a way that made it more comfortable/inviting if you'd actually begin using it. Maybe you should consider surrounding yourself with pictures of the people in your life that care about you and pictures of happier moments with your fiancee. I did that in my bedroom and I think that actually helped me sleep a bit better.

 

Well ...it's 4:30 am and I've avoided turning in at a reasonable hour yet again. You're not alone...we are all there with you.

 

LWH

[Frangipani]

Hey J,

 

I haven't been here in a while. I felt that it wasn't helping me in the way I wanted anymore, but then I lost contact with you my friend. I see that you are making progress but at the same time standing still, but it's totally understandable. I'm kind of surprised to hear you are still living there. I don't think I would be able to bear that. Have you ever thought of moving to a new place?

 

You mentioned that you found a note. Was it hidden away somewhere? Did it help you to read it at all? For a long time you were wondering why she did what she did - but it doesn't seem like you were given any answers that helped settle your mind.

 

As for your mum - I would ignore it. Don't let it become something that can hurt you. It's your choice whether you want to keep in touch with her or even see her...and if it's going to compound your stresss - leave it be. I always believe that the people that care for us and love us are our REAL family. Sometimes blood relatives just don't fit the bill....so leave it be until you feel strong enough to face it.

 

Miss our chats xx

[tiredofvampires]

It's been some time since your last post on this thread, but there is a lot in here that I have not been able to address yet that I'd like to...about anger, about things "fading", about the misplaced sense of responsibility, and about the matter of her crying, which you hear, among other thoughts.

 

But I think for now I'll just keep it simple, and to a couple of these...

 

No. It wasn't directly my fault. It wasn't hers either. The guilt I feel is because I couldn't do anything, couldn't protect her, couldn't help her, couldn't make it better for her.....What kind of fiancee can't do any of those things? I feel like I let her down, like I disappointed her and I know I shouldn't be so selfish as to say that because what she was feeling was so much bigger than that. But she made my life better you know? She made me better. And I couldn't do the same for her.

 

She made you better because, despite the difficulties you had with opening up to her, you LET her make you better. She did not LET you make her better -- instead, she decided, for both of your sakes, through a scheme which disallowed you to cast in your vote for the future of your relationship or have any say, that she could not, would not, let you help make her better.

 

What if (ah, another blasted "what if" -- but this IS another case scenario that could have been, couldn't it?) she had said:

 

"J...I don't know how to tell you about some of the things that I feel like I should tell you...but we need to talk. The way I've been feeling lately...I don't feel like myself. I feel that every day, we're supposed to be getting more back to normal but instead I feel like...like things are moving away from me...you, the way I saw our life together before all this happened...the way I want to be for you, the way I used to feel. I just feel like...like I'm not me anymore and you don't even know it. Everything's changed now...it's all different. I know you don't feel that, but I do. I'm scared to even say that because I don't know what that means for us. I'm scared of the things that are going on in my mind that I can't even explain, that you can't possibly see or understand, because I'm the one living inside this body and...I can't burden you with trying to explain it, I can't because I love you. And that scares me even more because I feel like I'm losing you, I'm losing everything. I have thoughts that really frighten me...like that instead of what we were supposed to be, now...now you'd be better off without me. I feel everything we planned can't be, not after this. I'm just not YOUR GIRL anymore and the worst thing is that I know no one can help me, not even you, and you're always the one who helps me. But now what, J? I'm only going to be a blight on your life, I just can't stand that idea. I'd rather not be here anymore to see how this is about to destroy us. Don't you see, it already is? I know, I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me it's all not true, but it is, and don't you see, I'm going to ruin our love and it's all going to be blackened if I don't just GET OUT of your life now...I love you and I feel it's all going to end...I'm just scared though and had to tell you...the thoughts I'm having are scaring me so much I just don't know what to do...I feel boxed in no matter what, no matter which way I turn, it's no good no matter what...but I'm scared of leaving you alone...I'm scared of staying, I'm scared of leaving, I just don't know anymore and all I see is a brick wall in front of me..."

 

(What if...she had conveyed everything she'd said in that note?)

 

Now if she had come out with something like this -- as someone who knew that your life was planned around her, that she was your future, your intended bride and lifelong partner, your fiancee -- that could have changed, and most likely would have changed the outcome here. It would have triggered a dialogue -- a very painful one, but a beginning. She could have turned the tide here just by saying something like this, it wasn't just for you to turn the tide. You made it very clear you were there, standing by her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. You stood ready. But how could you make anything better if she did not open the door for you? The "what if" that was to have salvaged this situation from tragedy was the "what if" that was in her hands, not yours. I'm sorry to say that, and that is not to cast "blame", but to place responsibility where it belongs.

 

And you know...this is a very weird thing to say...but I believe that if we could all sit around at a meeting with her now, she would totally be in agreement with this. I know it doesn't help your sorrow to say that she would hold you blameless (as I know you are freely helping yourself to the blame whether or not she holds you to it), but I think she would be able to testify for everyone that there was absolutely nothing you did to fail her.

 

I believe you were trying to give her space to sort through her feelings without pressure. This was done with care, consideration and love for what you thought was her process. You had no idea that giving her some time and space inwardly would come to this -- so know this, you DID try to help her given the signals she was sending you to "keep out", thinking this might be required of you for the time being. You were following her cues, with your presense and receptivity a CLEAR DEMONSTRATION that you were completely available to her at any time. That is nothing but SUPPORTIVE, as you saw it at the time. The rest was up to her.

 

Now for this:

 

She had to kill herself to try and get away from her pain....but did she even do that? IS she at peace? If she is then why am I still hearing her crying? I can hear her. I know I can. It's not a memory. It's her, now, where ever she is. I'm not crazy...I know she's crying and it's killing me. I hate going to bed. I hate closing my eyes and I hate going to sleep because that's all I see and all I hear.

 

I think you're on to something. I don't believe you're crazy, not in the slightest. And if you lived in a different culture, in a different time and place, this would be considered absolutely normal. You know I really respect the scientific method and all. But there is a part of life that it falls short on, and that is the kinds of phenomena that you're describing. In other cultures, there were practitioners and specialists -- not everyone could hold these positions -- who were highly regarded, respected, venerated for understanding a great deal about these things and how to intepret them. In Native American culture, dreams were considered to be doorways into the spirit world (which affects our everyday life, whether or not we are aware of it on a mundane basis day-to-day), and the window between waking and sleep, an opportunity to glimpse at this. To the modern viewpoint, this is a lot of hokum and crackpot stuff of which snake oil and the like are concocted. Well, I say there is a place for it all. There is a place for fiberoptic knee surgery and heart stents and there is a place for validating this kind of experience. People have not, the world over, in every single civilization, had practices and beliefs that included the dead as part of the lives of the living for no reason. They knew that just because a person was departed did not mean that there was nothing left of them; or that they were entirely incommunicado. They understood that existence is not simply a matter of things you can hold in your hand or look at. It's just not that simple. I mean, dogs can hear things we can't. The spectrum of light contains frequencies we can't see as colors, it's invisible on either end. And that's just the stuff science got hip to. What about the vast rest of it that they don't have methods to explain with tools or provable theories?

 

I believe you, in other words -- and while I don't know myself the nature of what exactly you're hearing, that's not relevant. You hear it every day and it haunts you. That is a fact, that is real. I know you are too in your right mind to be hallucinating.

 

I know this all sounds kinda out there, but the truth of the matter is that you are not making this up; and healing from something like what you are going through is going to be on all levels -- physical, emotional, and spiritual. How can the "spiritual" element NOT factor into all this? When in fact this calls into question everything meta(i.e., beyond)physical? When someone dies, especially someone you were that fused with, that naturally brings forth the spiritual aspect of life, unasked for -- and unless you are lucky enough to have a system in place that already works for you, such as a Higher Power/God, you ARE going to be faced with all this.

 

So then...

 

What do you think she's trying to express to you? What do you think this crying is about and what, if you were to put it into words, would she be saying with her tears?

[BellaDonna]

I hope your sleep improves soon.

 

:sleeping:

 

I know you are very intelligent and know your stuff when it comes to health and wellness.... Sleep is ESSENTIAL to health.

 

The more I thought about what you mentioned regarding the crying, the more I'm wondering if there was a label that encompasses everything you have been experiencing: depression, anxiety, insomnia- I think this is "post-traumatic-stress disorder" in action. I'm not sure if "disorder" is a word I agree with- because what you have experienced was so painful, that I think just about ANYONE would have these symptoms later- so in my eyes it is a normal and expected reaction- however giving it a clinical term may make seeking effective help easier.

 

Hearing things in your sleep is a common symptom of post-traumatic stress. Just see this: link removed

 

What would you tell the woman who posted that ^ to do?

 

This is something that is going to be very hard to combat alone. You need to let some help in. I know it is going to be very hard for you to take the step to seek it- but you have to try. I really wish you would. Of course it won't take away the pain, but help you cope with these paralyzing symptoms that are taking over your mind and body. I have to say I am astonished at how well you have managed to cope, despite all of this: Working the hours that you do, helping others on the forum, etc- But we all need some sleep sooner or later- even the strongest of us.

 

I would hope you could get to a point (with help) where you could at least get some restorative sleep. Help won't make miracles- it won't take away what happened- but it can make a huge difference in your quality of life, if you give it a chance.