Too MUCH sex.

[Religioux]

Wow, I can never seem to get it right, lol. My last boyfriend never wanted to have sex. Now my new guy wants it practically 24/7, and I'm finding it almost impossible to keep up with his sex drive.

 

It's not that we don't have it a lot, in my opinion, we do. We see each other around 3-4 times a week on average, and each time we meet up we have sex an average of two times. But it doesn't seem enough for him. It's crazy. We'll have fantastic, mind-blowing sex, and in less than an hour he's ready for more.

 

At first I had no trouble keeping up with him, because I'm very attracted to him and I do like the sex. However, it's finals week at school right now, and I'm feeling stressed out (which lowers my drive). Also, all the sex makes my coochie hurt, really bad. It's gotten to the point now where I can only have it maybe twice in one day with him, otherwise it just hurts so bad I can't even let him get it in because I'm squirming so bad. I bought some Astroglide, which does help, but only so much.

 

For some reason (and it's frustrating) he's gotten really mopey lately about my lowered sex drive. Even though we still have it, on average, probably six to eight times a week. Isn't that still quite a bit? He thinks it has something to do with him, like I'm not attracted to him enough or something. Or that he can't turn me on very easily. And he's confused because just a month ago, I was as rabbit-like about sex as he was. Now, I just don't have the energy or drive anymore.

 

How can I make him understand that it's not his fault? And is there any way to come to a compromise about this?

[ghost69]

it's just not your drive. can you do more oral maybe?

[i_win]

Yeah throw some oral in there and give him handjobs in between the two times if he still needs more. Explain to him that it isn't that you don't want sex, it's that your body is in pain after 2 times!

 

Sometimes when the ex wasn't in the mood I'd just stradle her and get myself off and release on her chest. Very hot for me and all she had to do was lay there.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First off, you don't have to be his personal blow up sex doll. If he's asking for sex two or more times per day, he is using sex like a drug to fill all kinds of other needs. Maybe when he's lonely or frustrated or whatever, all roads lead to sex. That is using sex as a negative coping mechanism and distraction, not as a fun activity that builds intimacy and sharing in a couple. He's just desperate to poke that thang somewhere and relieve some negative emotion. He needs to learn other outlets for tension and other coping skills besides sex.

 

It is very normal to go at it like rabbits when you first discover one another, then to slack off a bit when things calm down. But if it's tearing up your plumbing, that's a STRONG sign that it is neither healthy nor fun, and time to get a grip.

 

Sit him down and tell him that you love sex, but it's getting to be such a demand it isn't fun, and it's causing you physical problems. If he just wants his own personal sex toy to whip out to fuel a sex addiction, he needs help. He also needs a little self control, and to care enough about you to ramp back enough to to make you comfortable.

[stella777]

I completely agree with the last comment! sex is good, no doubt, but you are not his toy and if he really cares about you he understands and lets you have a life! And I think he should learn to control himself too.

[catwalk]

This sex drive & sex thing WILL cause problems for your relationship.

 

He needs to grow up. The 'moping' from your lowered sex drive should not be happening, he needs to be a man and deal with it.

 

I'd run away as fast as I could from this guy (which is a huge deal for me to say since I've had a sex drive balance issue with my bf for years, but we were understanding about it). He's not mature enough to handle an adult relationship or the sex that goes with it.

 

I would, at the very least, go NC with him until the end of finals. Tell him to use either hand to take care of himself for a few days

 

You'll never satisfy this guy and he'll make you feel bad (even when you are hurting in your who-ha, lol) when you won't put out. He should probably see a doctor.

[Lana0120]

Did you tell him what you told us? That you're tired, in pain and going through a stressful period on your life right now? If he doesn't understand that, then he has a problem as that is plenty of sex!

[catwalk]

Wanted to add: the Astroglid you bought helps but your coochie (lol) needs time to heel too. I say give it a day or too.. Now let's see what he says though.

I wanted to add to this!

 

Astroglide and other lubes have stuff in them that most women are allergic to and can actually make it WORSE for a woman (mostly burning feeling). There only a few good ones that are for US and the balance of our vagina! O'my is the best & cheapest, or KarmaSutra. There are also silicone based ones but they are like $100 a bottle!

[m12988]

I fully agree. Giving oral and handjobs to him is NOT the answer to your problem here. You are not a blow up doll.

[Cardinal]

I have been on both sides of the fence. For me at least, being the one with the lower sex drive is the easier task. It is just about being able to effectively communicate with your partner how often you are comfortable doing it. The individual with the lower drive tends to dictate the frequency.

 

The partner with the higher drive may feel like they have a hunger that they can't satisfy. I know I have been there. Maybe it would help him to realize that your long-term drive is good. A lot of sex over a long timeframe may not do anything at all to lower the actual physical part of the drive. But it can help reduce urgency (at least ime). It is that emotional urgency that I find causes more issues than just the physical need. For the record I do know people who live completely normal lives and have a long term (10-15 year+) high sex drive and want it 2-3 times per day. I have a close friend like that. So it is not that far out of the ordinary or inherently a bad thing. Just tough to satisfy!

[servedcold]

Reducing these kind of issues to strictly low and high "sex drive" is missing the point, but you see those terms used in abundance here and elsewhere, so it's understandable. What is ignored is that there are complex underlying physical, mental and emotional conditions that regulate how often we want sex, and "drive" is a very poor catchall term to address all these underlying issues. Viewing the "mismatch" issue in basic relationship terms would seem to be more productive in finding solutions.

 

You might as well say someone has a high "steak" drive, compelling them to eat steak ten times a week. See how bogus and silly that sounds when applied to habits besides sex? You could say that the drunk has a high "booze drive," etc.

 

Also think that there's a lot of cultural hype that contributes to all the "sex drive" talk that makes it seem like wanting heaps more or less sex than your partner is just a biological mismatch which we have no control over, when addressing the issues in terms of impulsivity, self-control, or mutual consideration of needs might be more productive. Sex is not a basic need of human beings, it is a desire, and "sex drive" seems to be a subtle way of saying it is actually a need (more the better for marketers who want us all oversexed and thus more susceptible to advertising).

 

If I were faced with a partner who wanted constant sex as you describe, or one who wanted almost none, I'd have to wonder about what they view as the foundation of the relationship, their level of sexual maturity, and their consideration for their partner. More importantly, I'd wonder if this kind of extreme expectation would carry over into other areas of the relationship. Where there is a "sex drive" imbalance, I tend to see a selfishness or maturity issue more than any biological imperative. We do, after all have a forebrain with which we are presumably capable of regulating our animal impulses.

 

To summarize, I think issues like this are more likely to be resolved by facing them in relationship terms as opposed to pure biological terms that, like the term "sex drive" are conveniently "beyond our control." Nothing in a relationship is truly beyond our control.

 

If he has a sex addiction, it should be treated. Otherwise, work out a balance and go from there.

[m12988]

Good point, servedcold. Your point even helps me look at it in a different light. This is a good paragraph to read to all the men (and some women) who believe that men are wired to have sex with anybody and cheat on their partners, because they are only satisfying their "biological needs".

[shadesofmediocrity]

To be completely irreverent...whatever he's on, tell me where I can get some to give to my fellow not THAT often though, that really sounds like a hassle. Best of luck working something out! Rep points to servedcold - made some good points I think.