Question for the middle-aged among us

[poohkins]

OK, I'm wondering if it's just me, or if being middle-aged has something to do with how I feel. I'm 45 and have been in three long-term relationships since I was 25 - one for 5 years, one for 10 years, and the last for almost 5 years. In all three relationships, I was the "dumpee."

 

As it stands now, it's been almost 5 months of NC with my last GF, who left me for an older man she had dated 20 years ago. I am STILL having a really difficult time and feeling quite lost.

 

I have really been struggling with this. It's just so heartbreaking to spend years with somebody and then they leave for someone else. This time around, it has rocked me to my core, and I almost feel like, "Why should I even bother with love anymore?"

 

I guess I'm just in that weird transition period where I'm still trying to get over this loss and not quite ready to move on. But then when I think about dating or whatever, it really scares me because I am fearful that it will just happen again, and I don't know if I can take much more heartache.

 

I loved my last GF more than anybody I have ever loved. It has been really hard to do NC, because she still wants to be friends, of course, but I was strung along in the "friend zone" for about a year while she tried to figure out if she really wanted to be with this guy. She said she didn't feel any "passion" for me anymore. Maybe I'm thinking too much about all the rejection, but it has been really hard to pick myself up this time. After the other two relationships, when I was younger, I was single for a few months and seemed to have no problem dating.

 

I'm just curious if anybody else, especially those who are over 40, feels like break-ups get harder the older you get.

[wtm78]

maybe your biological clock is ticking you to settle down..

[Romantic Fool]

I'll have to say I'm on the same page....1st longterm relationship was in highschool...Lasted around 5 yrs, 2nd in college lasted 4yrs seemed harder to trust when this one ended...Met my last longterm gf around 24 lasted until last Friday. This was a on again off again relationship that lasted for 14yrs. Everytime we tried the friends thing we ended up back together. So I'd guess that I'd have to agree with you cause this one is really hard to move on from. I find myself wanting to wait yet I'm exploring the possibilities of something new. I know I love her and always thought she was the one, but now I'm finding it hard to forgive her cause at this point her being 34 me 38 I feel like she abandoned me in the point in our lives we should be looking towards the future. She claims she needs "her" time. To me that is just a cheap cop out. It more of a "can't commit" so I'm going to bail.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread, but needed to vent tonight has been really hard for me....I've been in NC since Friday morning and I was fine over the weekend, but somehow realize this is probably the end and for me its the end of 1/3 of my life I've spent with this girl. Very hard to accept at this point. I find myself feeling the same way as you....Find someone to have a intimate "bootycall" with and thats it...Screw the love scenerio at least that way you don't have to feel the pain. Again sorry for hijacking your thread.

[poohkins]

I don't know. Being single is OK, but I MUCH prefer being in a relationship, because I like having someone in my life where we can travel, try out new restaurants, do new things. I know a lot of people who are 65-70 who haven't been in a relationship for 20 or 25 years. I used to think that was really rather sad and pathetic, and that I would NEVER be like them, but the way I feel right now, I sort of understand where they're coming from.

 

Then again, there are those people who end up getting divorced when they're in their 60s. That's got to be devastating.

 

I guess time will tell. All of this has just made me a lot more cautious and not at all eager to give my heart away anytime soon. Guess it's time for some personal growth.

 

Thanks for your responses. I know I'm not the only one going through this, so that does give me some comfort. Life is hard!

[just M.E.]

poohkins -

 

In one word? Yes

[doyathink]

Yes, it does. This is the time in our lives where we thought we'd be settled down and enjoying the ride. Then along comes singlehood. At this point, I've all but given up with relationships, and just enjoy life as it is.

[thejigsup]

I find breakups easier the older I get. I no longer get that, "Oh my God, what if I never find someone to love again!" feeling. Iknow there has always been another love sooner or later. Being on my own is no longer scary, either. I know I can take good care of myself, thank you very much. So I have no fears anymore regardng breakups. Sadness, yes for a little bit. But age has taught me that sadness is also temporary. The only thing I fear these days is the price of gas!

[musashi]

I feel you. My age is like an anvil weighing on my chest. Each LTR seems better than the rest. This last one so much, she was "the one". Ten years my junior, I have always dated young. No matter, age aside, I often wonder, as you alude, will I ever find a partner that I can reside with? The last one left me for better, I will admit. Better in ways that I never even thought about. She was wonderful, I need work. I handed her a silver platter of love, she shrugged it off because she wanted more. I understand. Love is not the end all be all to some people. It is to me. With that I thank her for the release so I can continue to see if I can find the one person who will love me for me, and be blind to my faults. Maybe not blind, per se, but welcome to crafting me to her wants. Something like that.

[nic2463]

Its all to do with thinking your a failure in relationships.Im the same age and had a similar pattern of women in my life.Dunno whether it gets harder to get over a failed relationship as you get older,i think its to do with how much you loved them..

 

The way i see it is thats the pack of cards we have been dealt in life,our ideal partner hasnt come into our life just yet.

I know most people want their exs back on here and i was the same after many breakups,all my long term exs have come back at some stage trying to recconsile and only once did i take up the offer which looking back was a mistake.The only way is to look forward,i have been single since been dumped in Jan and have dated numerous good women since and have a lovely girl at the moment who i can see a future with.

 

So,what im saying is enjoy life,treat yourself,date women theres loads out there and you will find someone special to try again with.

[rapunzel]

Would have to agree that this break up seems more acute than any in the past. I'm 46 and while I haven't given up hope completely (of meeting someone else), in 8 months I haven't met anyone that even comes to close to my ex. And since I work with my ex, it has been really difficult to move on but I'm doing it. I find less motivation to get out and make myself do things to "meet people". I'm hoping that by just relaxing and letting life unfold that I will meet someone along the way.

 

I tried internet dating and it just seems so forced, artificial and the odds of having chemistry that way seem slim. I know I'll probably try it again at some point but it takes a LOT of effort. Then again, that is how I met my ex-ex...but that did not work out - I left him.

 

Also, I agree the dating pool is much smaller for women in their 40's as the men in our age group often want younger women. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up hope!

[Dako]

It's definitely harder to get used to being remaindered as you get older.

It's easier to avoid involvement with anyone.