I do okay until...

[Mishmash]

I e-mailed my stbx last week and told him that if he has to get in contact with me, to do so by e-mail. When he calls or stops by I'm just an emotional mess for a few days afterward.

 

So this morning who calls? All he wanted to know was if he got a certain piece of mail. I already told him that when it arrives I will e-mail him and let him know. On the upside (I guess) he did sound down and when he called I was in a good mood. I kept the conversation brief, on topic, and basically cut him short and said I had to go.

I spent the rest of my day cleaning the house to keep my mind off of it. But now the house is clean and I can feel the depression creeping in.

I don't know why I feel this way, considering what a low down rat he is for handling the situation like he did.

I guess it's the death of a life that I thought was, but in reality wasn't. The death of our future, of us growing old together. And it's really FRUSTRATING that he won't give me any answers except "Marriage isn't what I thought it would be".

Okay - now the depression is leaving and the anger is settling back in. I'm much more comfortable dealing with the anger. The depression is aimed at my inner self, while the anger is directed towards him.

 

My rant is now over

[Aviatormy]

Sounds like you are doing good. I dont know the situation between the two of you but I am sure you are doing the right thing.

 

If you really feel that NC is the best thing for now then I would stick to it.

 

As far as dealing with anger over depression, you need to make time for both. Whenever I feel depressed I leave my cell phone at home and I go for a LOOOOOONG walk. This helps me clear my mind and deal with it much better than if I were to just sit at home.

[lostandhurt]

Mishmash, venting on here is a really good idea. The feelings hit me in waves sometimes and other times start in the morning and kinda just hang around till bedtime. When control comes back to you (like the e-mail contact rule you made) it does help. You made a choice to help yourself and that is a good thing. Keep it up and hang in there.

 

lost

[PixelPusher]

I'm going to be kinda honest here. He contacted you on the phone because you unintentionally gave him power. You admitted to him that you're an emotional wreck after you speak. He may not be consciously wanting to hurt you deliberately, but he DOES probably get a rush of "power" because he knows he can upset you simply by the sound of his voice.

 

You may never get a clear answer on why he's made the decisions he has. I try to tell people here who are looking for answers, i.e 'closure' that they may not get it. Closure has to come from within YOU, not him.

 

And I've read that depression is anger turned within. That certainly hit the mark when I was going through my dark days. Once you accept your anger, then most likely you'll start to come out of your depressive days.

 

Just food for thought.... Good luck.

[Mishmash]

I'm going to be kinda honest here. He contacted you on the phone because you unintentionally gave him power. You admitted to him that you're an emotional wreck after you speak. He may not be consciously wanting to hurt you deliberately, but he DOES probably get a rush of "power" because he knows he can upset you simply by the sound of his voice.

 

I totally agree with you. At the end of the conversation he said "I'll talk to you later". But you know what, the emotional toll diminishes every time we do speak, so I'll take that as a sign that I'm getting stronger and on my way to a healthier me.

 

Being away from him these last three weeks has been rough and also an eyeopener. I'm starting to see the big picture of him, me, and our marriage. Finding stuff out about him now, I'm honestly thankful I'm not going to spend the next 20 years with him. Don't get me wrong, I wish him well (sometimes and worry about him, but....he made his own bed.

[beblebrox]

I understand how you feel. To make a long story short, after a two month reconciliation period i discovered through the examination of cell phone records, and the eventual installation of an internet camera in my home (the guilt of having done this gnaws at me) my wife was still involved with my "best friend" and worst of all, was observed telling him that she was pregnant by him while i wa actually at home outside cutting the grass.

 

she left the home that night. Two days later she called me in the morning begging me to repair the relationship and trying to tell me the child wasn't his, but was mine, though by other means i have heard that the other guy has confessed to his soon to be ex wife that he is "fairly certain" it is his.

 

Bottom line: as much as I can get my head intellectually around what must be done, the minute she called hearing her voice has made me a wreck. I have done pretty much the same thing. i have requested all contact be via email, and be of a matter that is purely business related.

 

When I spoke to her, i had said i needed a week to just clear my head. I got two days. the only email i have received was about 5 sentences long, dealt with some utility bills, and concluded with her saying she had made her decision and was contacting and attorney.

 

believe me, emails are bad enough. actual conversations are beyond what I can take.

[just M.E.]

I totally agree with you. At the end of the conversation he said "I'll talk to you later". But you know what, the emotional toll diminishes every time we do speak, so I'll take that as a sign that I'm getting stronger and on my way to a healthier me.

 

Being away from him these last three weeks has been rough and also an eyeopener. I'm starting to see the big picture of him, me, and our marriage. Finding stuff out about him now, I'm honestly thankful I'm not going to spend the next 20 years with him. Don't get me wrong, I wish him well (sometimes and worry about him, but....he made his own bed.

 

Mishmash,

 

I was reading back through this and I hope your know this, you sound very together and emotionally healthy. It will always be tough, it's giving up those dreams of the future, but you have your eyes wide open and see this person as he is.

 

Good for you!!!

[Mishmash]

Every day it's two steps forward, one step back.

 

My focus is on the here-and-now and my children, not him.

 

Dwelling on the past and wondering "if only I did this", "if only I said this", "if only..." doesn't promote emotional healing.

 

I'm coming to a crossroad where I'm beginning to accept what happened. I may not like that it happened (in the beginning, but now I'm seeing that it's really for the best) or the way it happened, but it happened.

 

Like a favorite saying of a co-worker, "Build a bridge and get over it". A little harsh, but true.