I have cheated on my boyfriend? How do I deal with this?

[crazy1]

I have been in relationship (on & off) with my boyfriend for 4+ years. I have been cheating on him with my boss for around a year. I'm trying to make heads or tails on why I did this. I have suggested to my boyfriend that we go to counseling & that of course I would quit my job. My boyfriend (ex) is shocked, angry, dismayed and feels very betrayed. I am so sorry that I hurt him, but I want to understand why I did this.

 

He sent me a letter that made a list of demands that I need to do in order to get back to together with him. I would have to quit my job and work for a female boss only (that wouldn't involve travel & I would have to be very busy), I am never to see my friends who know I cheated on him, I have to make a full confession/apology to my boss's wife. I have to go to church with him (we have never gone to church together before) and repent my sins. I have to show him that I've done research on the web about infidelity. I, as well as my boss, would have to get an STD/AIDS test (understandable) & he would have to see the results. We would also have to make devoted, commitments to each to be honest, truthful, open, compromising, no matter what the circumstance and it must be verbal & in writing. I would also have to enroll in some sort of class that teaches responsible drinking (he thinks I drink too much or mix alcohols...not true). Oh and I would have to go to the gym three times a week. That's a side note. I love him, but all of this seems so irrational. Am I thinking straight? Should we even be in this relationship together? Help!

[Beec]

If he's considering a relationship with you, then maybe you have a chance. If I were him, you wouldn't. End of story. If you are cheating, then you are not really in a relationship.

 

He's not me and he is making demands. Some of them are legitimate things. You have shown yourself to be a cheater and not to be trustworthy. If he is going to be a relationship with you, you need to take steps to show him that you have changed.

 

(Never ever confess to having cheated. The confession is never for the one hearing it. It's for ther other person to get rid of or ease their guilt.)

 

Are his steps the right ones. Well, if that is what he needs to feel secure in continuing with you, why not? I think some of them are off, but you need to make him understand that you want to be trustworthy and make him secure. Some of the other things are sacrifices he is asking you to make for him, so he can stand being in the relationship. Your friends know you cheated, how do you think he feels when he sees them? Not seeing them or making you sacrifice them helps him save face. Did they help you do cheat or even just hide it? More reason for him not to want you to see them. Many of his requests are understandable, although I don't understand him. I would think about whether you can live up to the promises he is asking for, otherwise you will cheat again.

 

I am not sinless, but I did kind of was cured of cheating when someone did it to me, a long time ago. Did not feel good and I did not want to make anyone ever feel that way. Before that time, I was not caught.

[russia]

hey, if you love the man, you love the man. it may still work out although he's been very very hurt and will never forget it. this is like adultery, you know? just minus the marital strings

 

so you got caught and now you have to pay the price. so you now ask, is he worth it? some of the requirements are reasonable, and should be done without being a requirement even. the job change is definitely a must. it avoids the temptation from recurring. since you initiate the breakup with your boss, he will still harbour feelings for you (sexual mostly) some aren't so clear, like stopping seeing friends who know about the situation, unless they are the wrong crowd to hang out with in the first place.

 

going to church is good, but it's not going to make you a better Christian. it starts from the heart. once you stopped this affair and confessed it, you'd find it a lot easier to go to church. like you have less one big sin, you know.

[avman]

Hmmm, well some of his demands seem reasonable:

Quit your job

Get an STD test

Make committments to each other to be open, honest, etc

 

However many of the others are subject to interpretation. And a few like go to the gym are completely ridiculous. I can see where he would be angry and hurt, but his list of demands goes way beyond dealing with the situation at hand.

 

I guess you have to decide whether you will meet his demands. Are his demands subject to negotiation? I hope so. If they aren't, and you aren't willing to agree to them (I suggest you DO NOT agree) then its probably over.

 

If you do continue the relationship I like your suggestion of both of you going to counseling. He needs help in dealing with this, just like you need help understanding why you got into the situation in the first place.

[routerx]

You WERE wrong, but you ARE right.

 

You know you were wrong for cheating. You but you are right not to give in to such childish demands.

 

Here's the scoop as I see it. The problem of cheating is not one that will be fixed by new rules. It can only be fixed by a renewed heart. You can cage a tiger, but it doesn't stop being a tiger. So, bars or rules aren't going to change your heart.

 

He's wrong. Don't play that game.

 

If you are willing to change your heart, then work to change it. That's it.

 

good luck

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Thanks for sharing what must be really hard for you. I read the list of demands and I really thought they were over the top. Cheating does strange things to everyone involved, and really puts a whole new spin on the relationship. I just went through it with my ex. She cheated on me. I have lost the trust, and that is hard to get back. I wrote her a letter, with no demands in it by the way. Just that I was not going to be in a triangle relationship. And that if she really wanted to be with the other person more than me. Well then I wish you well and good luck. She has been calling now and trying to get me back. Is it out of guilt ? Is it because she loved me ? I know she felt both. The question is do I want her back after she lied and cheated. My heart says Yes...you really love this woman. My head says No ...this woman will hurt you again, and she may cheat again.And I know I can't go through it again. I'm learning to forgive her in my heart for what she did. Because I know if I don't I'll always carry the anger.I'm sure even though we have not talked about it she hurts like you. I just can't talk to her right now. And maybe never, only time will tell. Many people are able to get back together after cheating. Sats just came in a few weeks ago and for the first time in the history of mankind. Women cheated more then Men. It blew me away. I have respect for you for confessing what must have been really hard to do. I don't think I could do it. I have cheated myself many years ago, and I remember how I felt.

So I decided I never wanted to do that again. Trust is sacred and like I said it is hard to get it back once lost. Sounds like you drove your boyfriend over the edge (very normal) and weather he comes around is up to him. But the way he is going about it "Trust Me" is all wrong. Aids Test, yes....Maybe a new job...Yes.....Have a new committment "For Sure"

But the rest is crap....and like Avman said.....or it is over. And if you attempeted to even consider doing the stuff he is suggesting, it would be over in my opinion. He has to forgive you. Tell him this......ask for forgiveness, tell him you would really like to bury the hatchet without letting the handle stick up. And then see how many times it sticks up.

He really has to forgive you, he really does. I have found that if you go to a minister of any church (tell him what you did"cheated" keep it short no details) all three hold hands he will say a prayer for the both of you.It is a healing thing. If that does not work, forget it nothing will. And I am not a church person, but if it happened to me I would do it is a second. But I do believe that in certian relationship cases that cheating really messes with the mind. You need to have some higher intervention. Trust me on this.

 

Good Luck and God Bless, I hope you can save your relationship. They are worth saving if you really love each other.

 

Peace

Kuhl

[akatoro]

Basically, I agree with what the others have already said.

But seeing as I did not take the time to read All of them, I'll write a little something as well.

 

I believe that you were wrong in cheating. I don't know the real reasons behind it, but IMHO, cheating is always wrong. Some of his demands are pretty childish. But I do believe that you apologizing to his wife, getting an STD-test, making commitments are pretty good demands. And also, I would never trust a spouse who's been with her boss and still works at the same job - So perhaps that is a reasonable demand too.

 

Let's hope he takes you back - if that is what he wants.

Bye.

[sisterlynch]

This is your problem or desision to make. You willingly cheated in a committed relationship. It wasn't your boyfiend's fault, you did it all. He doesn't need to see the counselor in other words. Who does?

 

The boss was committing a serious crime by sleeping with an employee. So if anyone is at fault I think he is more to blame than anyone else. There is something called sexual harassment. Most companies have a grievance system. You need to look into this system, whereby you make a complaint against the boss and this is part of his "permanent record." Any place he goes the people that he works for will need to realize that he has committed this act with an employee. Even if you acted willingly, you still were somewhat manipulated by his status.

 

It is kind of like if he were married, you would be to blame for your end of it, but he is the one that should know better and didn't. If you were 13 years old and were taken advantage of by a guy that was 18 or 19, most would see this as being wrong. Do you see what I am saying?

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

I know I am late on my response to this, but Missy you have a lot of Explaining to do.

 

First off, before you even get into his list of demands you need to think about this from another perspective. You were with him for four years andyou couldnt remain faithful. You now like most cheaters want a second chance but dont want to work for it. You want to get in and don't want to do whatever it takes to get him back. If I was him, you and your boss would have been "oh lets just say, a little broken up" but i'm not him, and obviously he is hurt and feels betrayed and is with mixed emotions (understandable). You need to go to counceling asap. You need to figure out why you did this from a professional and then pick up his list and be realistic about weather or not you can even devote yourself to his list of needs. Something made you cheat on him, something that has nothing to do with him, it has to do with you. You feel inside yourself for some reason that this is what you needed. Your boss is another story, but ifyour a hot chick then well, "who can blame him" I hope you understand the kind of energy you put out on yourself. You need to heal "YOU" before even thinking about being with your "EX" again!!!!!

[sisterlynch]

I agree with your point of view completely. The only thing that I don't understand is how you condone what the boss has done. Every company has a code of ethics, and nowhere does it say no shagging fat chicks, only hot ones. The man knows to keep his pants on and didn't and now she is picking up the consequences on something that he was a part of and now he is too afraid to admit it. By recommending that because she is cute that makes it ok for her to misbehave with the boss, doesn't really help her to see the situation more clearly does it??

 

This is a very male-chauvanist point of view. Not that it is wrong, only misguided and yet somehow -- it is still illegal to have sex with an employee, no matter what the two look like, even if the boss is female and the employee male, that is still wrong isn't it sweety-pie? What if he gave her a raise or fired someone who was just as deserving as she was?? Do you see how this causes problems down the line -- to say it is only ok if she is indeed hot and a young female and he is a male -- then that somehow makes it ok to you?? What if they were both males and neither one was "hot" just average?? Does that make it ok in your line of thinking??

[avman]

I'm afraid I must disagree. The boss has not committed any crime by sleeping with his employee. This is NOT illegal. He cannot go to jail, be fined, or be punished in any way because this is NOT a criminal matter. The only case where he would be committing a crime is if his partner refused his advances and he had sex with her anyway, that would be rape.

 

Now, in a civil court that is another matter. There is NOT automatically grounds for sexual harassment just because the boss sleeps with their subordinate. If the relationship is consensual, the subordinate has not been coerced into the relationship, they subordinate did not receive anything extra so they would sleep with the boss, and the subordinate was not punished for refusing their advances - then it is not sexual harassment. If any of these things did play a part in the relationship - well then the employee could pursue a sexual harassment case in civil court and try to get monetary damages from the company. But the first stop would be the personnel/HR office. If the employee doesn't report it, how is the company supposed to do anything about it?

 

Yes, most companies do have policies against this. This is to protect THEM from this very situation. They will investigate a situation like this. However, if you report a consensual relationship as sexual harassment, and they investigate and find out you are on a vendetta against the boss, they might decide to fire YOU instead. Or they fire both of you for violating a no dating policy. So lets be real careful here about what this situation really is all about.

[sisterlynch]

She has to weigh the positives and negatives in the situation to be sure. She needs to see that she isn't the only one to blame. And I think her boyfriend would be better off if she handles it like a sexual harassment case, too. I want her to see that the male did something punishable by giving in to her advances when he should have said no!!

 

Men can say no just as easily as women. He was in a position of authority, so he should have known better. He chose to make an exception, and I feel that she should complain. If she doesn't complain, then I feel that she is being victimized two times, instead of just once.

[avman]

I don't think trying to place 100% of the blame on the boss and doing everything possible to destroy his life is the solution to making your boyfriend trust you again. Sorry, both you and your boss take the blame for this situation. It took both of you to say yes in order to create this situation.

 

Your boss will have to deal with the fallout from his own decisions. Now you should just focus on yours.

[Beec]

sisterlynch, it's possible that harassment may be an issue and it is also possible that it's not in this case. Both cheated one their significant others for a year. If it is harassment, then she should complain. If it is not, she should accept that both cheaters are both to be blamed in the mount and way. She knew it was wrong, and she did it anyway. A harassment case will not help either of them in their careers or in the eyes of their friends and community, especially as it went on for a year.

[sisterlynch]

Both of you are misunderstanding me to certain extent, I never said that she had to sue the company that she works for to gain respect, sometimes just telling on the aggressor makes them stop it. that is all I am saying if the company knew what this guy were up to maybe they would have him work in a way that doesn't come into contact with so many young women, does that make sense?? If both did it willingly, then it shows the company that he wasn't a predetor, however, we all know that power corrupts, don't we? Absolute power corrupts absolutely?? We all remember our history lessons about Stalin etc?? We need to help in problem solving? Giving the girl a direction...this is what we are about, ne c'est pas? When a guy sleeps with a girl, and there are extenuating circumstances, then there is a justification to look at the circumstances, no??

 

If her boyfriend wants to stay in the relationship, then that is a good reason for him to stay she was taken advantage of by an older more experienced man? We all see that logically speaking, right??

 

Let us say it was a Dr and she was a nurse, over the year, people were laid off, but she remained and even got a raise based upon the fact that her legs were raised to this Dr, and nothing else! Do people get what I am saying? If we give up on this one girl and this one boss, then little by little our country's structure will wilt. WE are the strongest most dominant country because we stand together! Why are the European countries now starting to unite, at least economically?? Because it makes sense to have a population behind you when push comes to shove.

 

The girl needs to go to a manager, preferably an older woman, who can help her make sense of it...this is my point.

[Beec]

I'm not saying it's not possible that she was harassed, but it also should not be used as an excuse.

 

Whether it really was harassment or not, I'd fire him, if I was his boss and knew. He stupidly exposed his company to the threat of litigation based on harassment. I have a friend whose colleague got persuaded to leave a job after he was seduced by someone lower on the ladder. She was hot, they worked together a lot, she made a move, he accepted, afterward she stopped working and that created problems. Prior to teh affair, she did good work. She claimed harassment and got bought off by the company. He was stupid for doing it and deserved to get fired. She should not have had a case, and was wrong to claim it was.

 

If it was harassment and she was compelled or there was a quid pro quo for sex. She may have a legit claim.

 

But if the claim is not legit, she, her boss, her boyfriend and everyone else who matters, should just accept that she cheated. If she tries to use an excuse, she is not stepping up and accepting responsibility for her actions. She needs to accept responsibility for her actions, in order to move on in her relationship. The excuse of harassment, continuing for year and working to hide that affair for so long, would not sit well if I were her bf.

[avman]

Beec, could not have said it better myself. I support your opinion 100%

[sisterlynch]

If the story that you tell about your friend is true then he needed to tell them the truth. That is the problem in these cases, the victimizer looks for a victim carefully, then they build up to the harassment carefully too; so the victim feels as if they went in willingly.

 

Here is a definition of sexual coersion: they most often include using some imbalance in age, status, or power to take advantage of someone else.

 

there are certain risk factors that make it more likely that sexual harassment will take place: an unprofessional working environment, a sexist atmosphere, lack of knowledge about the company's grievance policy. Victims often minimize the effect that the harasser had on them. They often blame themselves for letting actions get out of hand. They may feel ambivalent toward the harassor. These feelings make the victim more likely to be taken advantage of again. Because they get used to holding in their true feelings.

 

The imbalance of power makes the victim feel helpless to stop the abuse. That may be why your friend claims that she was "hot" maybe she was the aggressor.

 

Your friend used the excuse that the girl was hot, but any girl in that kind of a situation picks a guy who likes her, or else she'll get shot down too quickly. Of course you are going to take your friend's side and her boyfriend will support her. If later, he finds out she was lying and invented the whole case just to get out of taking responsibility for her actions, then it would be wrong for him not to break up with her.

 

If he loves her then he should agree with the truth. Men need to practice proper judgement in these cases. Sometimes just writing a letter to the harasser is enough to stop the abuse.

[Cid]

Yes tell them the truth. That is all you can do.