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routerx

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  1. routerx
    I think the problem with comparing humans to animals is that it's a slippery slope..... are we are free to act just like animals? This means we should be able to eat our young (like my gerbils did) or kill to survive (like the Nazi's). Where do you draw the line? I don't think you're an animal and I suggest you stop comparing yourself to one for the reasons listed above.
  2. routerx
    Wow. It's been a long time since I've posted. A lot has happened and I hope some of you who remember this post will bear with me as I give an update. My fiance and I got married in fall of 2004, we moved to St. Louis where I started seminary. In May of 2005 we found out my wife was pregnant and we now have a 1 year old son! I'm now on Year 3 of seminary and will be ordained in April of 2008. We are very happy - very healthy. I also wanted to post to tell people - especially the depressed people or those who have chemical abuse problems - that there is a way out. I can remember in my 20's being suicidal. I never saught help. I never hurt myself, but I was "self-medicating" through alcohol. I thought I was on a treadmill that would never stop. I want to tell you that if you can relate at all to what I was going through - if you are going through it yourself - or if you are lonely and unsure if you will ever find someone - my advice is to be what you want to meet. Did I want to meet a drunk or marry someone who didn't care for themselves or spend my life with someone who had no goals? No. I put down the bottle (I have about 2 drinks per week now), I stopped listening to those (even family) who didn't support me in noble causes or self-improvement, and I got on with my life. I ended up meeting someone who could relate to my new-found self. I urge you to never give up. I have problems day in and day out, the only difference now is that I know how to deal with them and staying away from people who supported and encouraged my bad habits was one of those important steps. This was not done by my own will an action (I don't think I'm that strong) but only after I humbly gave my life to Christ in my late 20's. Things slowly changed - but they changed for good! ~David
  3. routerx

    Finances

    routerx posted a topic in Personal Growth

    Finances, I consider, an outflow of personal beliefs, thus I'm putting it under personal growth. I'm looking for advice: My wife and I combine to make $90,000 year. When we married last year, we had some debt to get rid of. We have been paying it off regularly and now have $5,000 left to go. Most of it is at or around 10% interest. We currently rent and would like to buy a home. We have $1,000 in savings. I have just received a check for $4,000 from the federal reserve (I cashed in my I-Bonds). Do you suggest: 1) Put the $4000 towards debt 2) Put the $4000 towards savings 3) Put the $4000 towards a downpayment on a home 4) other ____________________
  4. routerx
    At this time, I'm going to school to obtain my Masters in Divinity from 8 am - 1:30 PM every day. Then I go to work from 3:00 - 11PM every day. My wife has been chewing my head off for the past 2 months about things like... pull the shower curtain all the way back... and keep the toothpase in this drawer... I've always said, "Yes dear". Hey... I'm eager to please. Today, I called to tell her I love her and that I did well on a test. She then told me how "discusting it was" that my razor was so dirty. That the hair needed to be cleaned out and she did it for me because it was so "gross". I laid into her. I told her to look at the big picture (i.e. I'm busting my butt). She would not relent. She thinks I lack common sense. I argued my point that a man getting good grades in Seminary and who also makes over 80k a year working as an engineer probably doesn't lack common sense... if anything, he's focused on .. study and work! She has done nothing to ease my load of work. She works 10-15 hours per week. She trains for a marathon in the spring and I'm like.. did she think she married a stock broker? What world do you live in where you don't work? I really want to read her the riot act!!!!!!!!!! Am I wrong?!! She moved to St. Louis with me and we've had some great moments and I know this is just the growing phase.. getting to know you phase of the relationship, but I'm not exactly sure how to wake her up to reality. Fact is, I should only be working 15-20 hours per week. I've had to work full-time because if I didn't, we would not be able to pay the bills! Help? Advice.. gracias...
  5. routerx
    Let me get this straight, your wife cheats on you, and it's your fault? NA A. No way. Did SHE pick this therapist? How much did she pay him? You should be mad. She's not even taking responsibility for CHEATING ON YOU. Hello!! Stand up for yourself. Sorry pal, you may be co-dependent, or whatever that is supposed to mean, but you don't deserve this. Tell the doctors to stop diagnosing your family.... the facts are the facts. Your wife is cheating. Until she can stop, nothing you do will help. Wow. You deserve a pat on the back pal. Stand up for yourself!
  6. routerx
    Well, it's been a while since I've posted. There have been so many great changes happening. I can tell you that I don't think all of these great things would have occurred without the support of this group. I did lean heavily on some of you and it was also theraputic to try to help some of you. My wedding date is set for August 21, 2004. We are moving to St. Louis so that I can become a Lutheran Pastor, starting August 29, 2004. It wasn't more than 8 months ago that I wondered if I would ever find my true love. I learned a few things after waiting for her for 35 years. I won't bore you with a long letter about it all, I'm only going to repeat the words that woke me up from a nap one day and changed my life (I believe these were the words of God). "To live an excellent life, YOU must live excellently." As for me, as soon as I fell in love with the idea of LOVING someone, I soon fell in love. Obviously studying the New Testament gives someone a special understanding of what love is all about and helped shape my idea of love... which for me is sacrifice and compassion. God Bless, I will be posting more often as I enter Seminary and hopefully I can provide you my spin on things in an ever evolving and educated manner.
  7. routerx
    I've done a fair amount of research on this as well. Some facts.. About 1 in 3 people have HPV. Most don't even know it. HPV has various strains, some can cause cancer in women, some do not. As a male, you'll never know what strain you have, no tests have been developed yet. NOTE: As long as a woman has a PAP test at least once a year, they should be okay. Early detection would remove any concern for cancer. HPV is very manageable and yes, it can possibly, go away, but I'm not sure if you would ever know that because it's a latent disease. THEIR ARE WORKING HPV VACCINES OUT THERE. They are not approved for the public yet, but the fact is, HPV is something that I think will be beat. The latest news is that a vaccine could be ready with 5 years. How old are you??? 16-17??? if so, I would suggest waiting a while before having sex... follow the progress of the vaccine. You need to tell your partner.
  8. routerx
    First, let me say that I don't believe in sex before marriage for the exact reasons you are describing. Sex is so special, treat it any other way, and you have problems. But, since you've done this, my advice would be to get over yourself a little bit. What she did was wrong, she should have been up front with you. My guess is that the reason she was not up front with you is because she was afriad of losing you. So, don't take it as an insult. You've entered tricky territory. Do you respect her after having sex with her prior to being in love with her... does she respect you? Until your relationship is open and honest, I would suggest focusing on your foundation.. not the climax.
  9. routerx
    Wow.. great responses. Thank you so much. I want to remind everyone that I suffered from depression (suicidal bouts) throughout my teens and 20's. I was in some very dark places. I want to give you assurance that you can beat it. I don't believe in drugs for depression, but I'm not a doctor, so take that as NON-MEDICAL advice. You may need them, not sure, but I'm not a fan of people telling me I need a pill to feel better. All I can say is that I refused to believe I needed drugs to make me feel normal and excited about life. My resolution to depression was found by standing up for myself and fighting for what is good and right. It is good and right for you to have a happy life and to feel loved. You must fight for it though! My answer was found in assertiveness and focusing on my future, good things, and the cross of Christ. After my life turned around, I decided to give it to Christ for the rest of my life. I hope I can help others in a loving manner and show them how to beat depression.
  10. routerx
    I'm happy to say that my girlfriend and I are engaged! We'll be getting married sometime next year, probably next summer. We met last November and started dating regularly by the end of January. After the first month, we both knew this was something special. By May, neither of us could believe, really, finally, that this was it, but we knew.. this.. was it. The only way this worked out for me was because I didn't act like I once did in the past... selfishly. I finally undersand that a relationship is all about what you give to it. If you LOVE to care for someone, then you will find love. My fiance is moving with me from Chicago to St. Louis, where I will attend Seminary (Lutheran). We then hope to get a nice condo and start our family. I can go on about how my love for Christ showed me how to love another person, but I hope that my actions speak louder than my words. God's Blessings to all of you.
  11. routerx
    I'm happy to say any of the insecurities I brought into the relationship with me and my girlfriend were not warranted. Once I got out of my own way, love flourished! My biggest hurdle was getting over my own pride. If she pointed out that my kitchen was dirty, instead of getting mad, I made sure it was sparkling the next time she came over. That was a big step for me.. correcting my behavior instead of blaming her for being a nitpick, which she was not being. I can't tell you how much she appreciates it when I step up to the plate and correct things (cleaning, cooking without making a mess, opening the cab door for her and getting in first so she doesn't have to slide over). Those little things mean so much to her, more than flowers, more than jewlery, just knowing I'm thinking about her needs. This was a lesson for me. I'm 35 but I still need to learn, everyday. The next biggest hurdle was believing. I simply had problems fully believing REAL LOVE existed and I was insecure and questioned my girls faithfullness because I had a hard time believing she was as honest and good as she is. It's like seeing a miracle and questioning if it really was a miracle or not... I needed to learn to stop analyzing and just enjoy it all! She is leavng her job and moving to St. Louis with me in the fall when I leave for Seminary. Needless to say, it's just a matter of time before I place an engagement ring on her finger. There are certain things I will never budge on: My love for Christ My self-respect Treating my family well But I've learned that other, smaller things, I need to be flexible on. The little things DO mean a lot to her and I adapt on those things to make her happy, even if the adaptation is somewhat trivial, it means a lot to her.
  12. routerx
    I send my girlfriend flowers once and a while and she loves getting notes from me. She loves these things and we have really fallen for one another. I'd like to do more for her to make her feel extra special. We are trying to save $$, so it can't be expensive. Ladies, do you have some ideas? I was thinking about giving her a massage.
  13. routerx
    Do you trust her? Yes or no? If yes, then you need to stop asking if someone else is on the scene. If no, you need to forget about her. I know how you feel, believe me, but over time I realized that there is a woman out there for me who cares about my heart. This girl doesn't sound like she cares about yours. There is a girl out there for you.. I don't think she's it.
  14. routerx
    Most importantly, you need to let this go for a few days and get a sense of the big picture. I can only base an opinion on what you wrote. First off, you are trying to control her life. You don't like what she does, well, you aren't her father and she probably resents you for trying to be that. Next, she's obviously treated you poorly. She's slept around. She's a kid. I don't know what you see in her other than the challenge of trying to get her. Finally, you need to get a better perspective on life. You sound as if you worship her. She's only human. She doesn't need a worshiper, she needs a boyfriend. You've placed yourself on a different level than her, much lower, and she probably feels as if she can't even relate to you anymore. Next, the crying. What do you hope to get from crying in front of her? Once and a while it is okay to show emotion, but you sound as if you are doing it for the same reason a child does it, because you want to be cuddled with affection. You think it will work, but it won't, so you need to stop doing that if possible. Crying is okay, but not all of the time. Don't get me wrong, I empathize with you. You obviously have deep feelings for her. But you can't go through life thinking your life would be destroyed if someone left it. You need to invest yourself in other things and make yourself more well-rounded. Right now, you have all your eggs in one basket. That basket has a hole at the bottom of it and your eggs are breaking. My best suggestion is to forget about this for a few days. Just let it go. You are trying to control something you have no control over. I repeat, you seem very controlling here. No, she's not perfect, but you seem to have lost an idea of the bigger picture of life.
  15. routerx
    You need to realize that attention from someone else is not going to build up your esteem. I think you have low self-esteem because you said the following, "he would have sex with me and that's about it... which i dont mind". Sex with you and that's about it. Sounds like he wants to use you the same way he uses an object. You are so much more valuable than this. Why, so young, are you settling for something so beneath you? Don't do it. This kid is trouble and he doesn't understand what caring is about. I see so many problems I'm concerned about in your message. I hope you realize how valuable and special you are. You set the standard for how good your life will be. If you want an excellent life.. you MUST LIVE EXCELLENTLY. Don't settle for this guy. You deserve so much better.
  16. routerx
    I'm so glad to hear you've made the right choice. I can tell you with deep regret I once treated women like this, in my mid-20's. I can tell you that I let some terrific women go in my life. This guy is 34.. and wow.. he needs a wake up call.. and it's coming, I promise you. I am very lucky now, with humility, at age 35, I have fallen in love truly for the first time, but it has been all about sharing and treating my girlfriend with the upmost respect and courtesy. There simply is no other way. Good luck! Sounds like you won't settle for anything less than you deserve and that will work for you. Keep doing what you are doing!! God Bless.
  17. routerx
    I feel that you think love is something outside of the people in the relationship when it really is a verb. When you are in love, it means you are LOVING someone. If you truly are loving someone, that is true love. It has nothing to do with a mutual agreement between two individuals. Sometimes you will love your partner and they will not love you back. This is normal. What makes a relationship last is not love, but commitment to one another. LOVE, HATE, PASSION, JEALOUSY, THESE are just a few of the feelings that are included in a relationship. They ALL will come and go like waves in the ocean. The relationship is the ocean. The feelings are the waves. If you truly love someone, you have found your true love.
  18. routerx
    I don't know of any law that would allow a parent to legally control your life once you hit 18. There may be special laws that may require parents to provide support until you graduate high school, not sure. But, I would say, for sure, once you graduate high school AND you are 18, you are free to live the life you wish to live. I would strongly suggest getting real legal answers to your questions. I did a search on google for "childrens rights divorce" and there were a lot of links out there that may answer your questions in detail. Good luck!
  19. routerx
    I'm a 30 something guy and I have a few comments about this little boy you are writing about. (I'm not pointing fingers, I was once a little boy too). He does what he does with you because it's working. He has your attention, yet he already told you he wants no commitment. It's a little boy's dream: all the sex, none of the relationship. This guy is a jerk. Next time he tries to kiss you, tell him to grow up. I'll bet he gets really sad and starts to weep or he gets REALLY angry and walks away. Why? Because that's what little boys do. There should be no doubt in your mind: The more you avoid him, the more he will want you. The more you care for him, the further he will run. He is not fully formed yet.. just a little boy. He WILL break your heart if you give it to him. Check back with him in 5 years, no earlier. Good luck.
  20. routerx
    Anyone in love? I mean seriously.. like married or in marriage type of love. When you fell in love, did it feel effortless? or... Did you always make an effort to make the other person feel loved?
  21. routerx
    Is it possible you've burned out a little bit? I'm an engineer. I hit the pinnacle of my career last year. Then.. I wanted nothing to do with it!! I burned out. But I waited.. and then 8 months later was back in action. Continue to find other things that interest you. Get your mind off of 3D. If it's meant to be, you'll come back to it. Once I got my mind off engineering, I enjoyed it more when I was at work. Funny thing is.. I'm going into seminary this fall, so that goes to show you, you have to keep an open mind about life
  22. routerx
    Definitely let it lay. If she likes a guy that doesn't really like her back for sure, then it sounds like she is hoping for something to happen with him. That's no way to start a relationship with her. She wants her cake and to eat it too. It's hard advice to give you because you dig her and I know how that feels, but the fact is, if she really digs you, she would not be holding out for someone else. Give her time to think about it but be there for her. Sounds like you are a good guy. Just don't be TOO nice.
  23. routerx
    Wow, your take on it is strong. I totally agree he must have provided her some sort of payoff, but the fact his, she has known him for over a year and 1/2 and me for 3 months, so I can't expect her to stop talking to the guy. I honestly don't know what she gets from him, but I can see he is SMARMY and probably made her feel very important. When he met me, he acted more IMPOTENT than anything. He was a little wimp. Even his handshake was clammy. This is the same girl who says she loves me and who I go to church with twice a week, so I really do have a hard time thinking anything other than she doesn't know exactly what she did on this one. She's also excited about coming with me to meet my entire family this weekend for Easter. I can vouch that she really is a sweet girl, but I think in this case, she made a big mistake. My problem with this one is that this guy (I agree) does want to get in her pants. I did my duty that night and then dropped the subject 5 minutes after we met the guy and I haven't brought it up since. I'm above that mistake. There are plenty of women out there who think I made too big of a deal about the whole thing and state what she did is natural. I don't buy it, but I can't discount it either. I'm still dumbfounded by the whole weird experience. I'll take your advice and file it away though.
  24. routerx
    You may never have experienced this before, but there are some people who are intent on hurting/feeling sorry for themselves. I say, give him his space. You obviously are a nice person. Unless you feel he may end up seriously hurting himself, leave him be. Don't let someone like this jade your heart. Let him work it out on his own and if he's worthy, he'll come back to you.
  25. routerx
    A few weeks ago I posted my concern about meeting a guy who I felt dug my girlfriend. I felt that she was a bit naive to think he didn't like her (he gives her little gifts, shirts, dvd's, etc.). She has been totally open and honest with me about it which is why she wants me to meet him.. he's just a friend. Well, I went in with an open mind. We sat down.. this guy is in his 50's and my girl is 32 (she's a looker). The dinner didn't go very well, but it wasn't because of me. I always initiated conversation. He was very quiet and when he talked he always hid his mouth with his hand (which generally means you are protecting yourself or lying in non-verbal communications class at least). When he looked at her, it was a puppy dog look, as if.. why are you doing this to me, I care for you, you are breaking my heart... Basically, the best word I could use to describe him is SMARMY. After we ate.. we said goodbye and I noticed she touched his arm goodbye.. I have a feeling when they are on their own, she hugs him goodbye. Then, as I kept walking he pulled her to the side (outside) and said, "Marry that guy." (she told me this later). This is just very weird. No, I don't think my girlfriend cheats.. no way.. but I really think she .. by taking his gifts and spending time with him (he's not married) is leading him on. I hope he keeps his space and respects the relationship. I'm not going to say anything about it anymore. I was a gentleman. I just think it's weird and I could see it being a problem in the future. This guy digs her.. she doesn't think of him in that way.. but the fact is.. in my heart I think she should just cool it. That's just between me and you folks.
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