Am I expecting too much...

[forgingon]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months now, and things seem to be going quite well. In many, many ways we are really compatible, and things look good for the long term; our children get along great, our outlook and ideals seem very, very similar; we have fabulous chemistry and have a good time together. However, sometimes I feel insecure because he doesn't seem to protect time with me as much as he protects his time for other areas in his life. I feel insecure, even when I know I'm being silly, it's hard to shake. The thing is, it is like I'm waiting for him to loose interest and to just leave me.

 

My backstory: eighteen months ago my husband left me, very suddenly, and I found out about the 'other woman' a month later. I didn't see that coming, now it's like I'm watching for the first sign that my boyfriend is loosing interest. I know I got involved fairly early, but my boyfriend was someone I had known in highschool, and when he contacted me the chemistry was immediate and the yet the comfort was there.

 

In the meantime, we've both had lives; he's been single for several years and developed the life of a busy bachelor, has a lot of friends, a lot of interests and a daughter he's a devoted to (no jealousy on that count, I love the way he is with her.) I trust him. I love him. I want to be with him whenever I can. He says he loves me, has moved clothes into my closet, made summer vacation plans with me and each of our children, we talk about the future; while we both are leary of marriage, it has already been dropped gently into the conversation, in a joking way...but dropped in nonetheless.

 

I just get so insecure when a day or two passes without contact. I want him to want to be with me as much as I want to be with him...he seems to be happy seeing me when he has time, and doesn't seem to want to make time...

 

Am I expecting too much? I'm truly not sure. Is this the early signs of a committment phobia (He has had a fair number of girlfriends, doesn't firm up plans easily etc...) or am I just expecting a bachelor to settle down too quickly?

 

What cha think, folks?

[strawberry]

hey.

i seem to be having the same problem with my boyfriend. hes a lot older than me...and it seems that i want to be with him all the time, and hes ok with 3 days passing and not seeing me.

also, my exboyfriend had been cheating on me for awhile without my knowledge.

i think the point, or rather, what you should figure out, is do you reeeeally truly want to be around him for his company, or to keep tabs on him and make sure hes not meeting new people behind your back?

i know it sounds nuts to say out loud, but maybe sometimes you could be wanting him around subconsciously to know what hes up to, even though hes given you no reason not to trust him.

 

i dont know how to get over that though, or to figure out which it is?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Some of your fear could be related to what happened with your ex husband. Your dredging up that fear and applying it to your current relationship, that he will do the same thing.

 

The best thing to do is talk to him about your fears... Sometimes just bringing up your fear of being left will be enough to ease it, and he can be sensitive to that.

 

 

What do you need to be comfortable with a short absense? A phone call a day? perhaps you could ask for that. Some people just get busy and feel secure and don't feel the need for that, but if you need that from him, you should tell him and see if he cooperates.

 

But there is always a chance you feel this way because he is showing signs of not being that attached, and you are picking up on them subliminally. You may want to have a talk with him and ask where he sees it going, and approximately when. Does he want to get married again? Does he want an exclusive relationship? Just keep talking about it frequently enough that should he leave or be a problem, you won't be blindsided by it.

[mca1975]

God, Ive asked myself this so many times. Men are jus so aloof with this kind of thing I find. If he is still making you happy, if not for this one problem, then it looks to me like all is well. I think you are prob getting insecure because of what happened with your last relationship. You should talk to him about it though and he can reassure you.

 

I am currently seeing a guy who is a nightmare! he will see me about every one or two weeks with hardly any contact in between, but we have such a lovely time together when we do see each other, they are a nightmare and its annoying as hell, but we cant make them want to call us/see us more as that is then pressure on them, which they cant seem to take. I hope im not offending anyone with this comment, but this is what I have learnt about men

[Enigmatika]

I just get so insecure when a day or two passes without contact. I want him to want to be with me as much as I want to be with him...he seems to be happy seeing me when he has time, and doesn't seem to want to make time...

Make yourself less available.

[longhaircats]

I don't think you are asking too much at all. I don't know how old you are, but I'm assuming that you had several serious relationships in the past. You learned that from those past experiences that when two people are in love, no single day would pass by without talking each other. He says he loves you, but deep down you are wondering " Why is he not calling me? Why does he not want to spend more time with me if he is in love. Is he really in love with me?"

 

My boyfriend didn't seem so keen on seeing me more than twice a week when we first going out, and he didn't call me much. I remember I was frustrated during these early days when I wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me. But after around 4 months it changed. Now 7 months together, he calls me every night before he goes to bed, text me during the day when he is not with me, and wants to spend nights/mornings together 3-4 times a week. I think it just takes time for some people to open up.

 

Just be patient for a while. If you want to hear from him at least once a day, you should tell him so. But don't complain about him not calling you enough. Tell him that you love hearing from him at the end of the day because it makes you feel very special and good inside. (That's what I told my bf and he tried after that)

 

Good luck!

[fetekiz]

your situation is almost exactly like mine! i have been with my boyfriend officially for 5 months, but it is more like 6. my last relationship ended when my bf who had been my best friend for 6 years cheated on me...

 

i dont know the personality of your man, but if he is anything like mine, it is very difficult sometimes to feel as loved as i KNOW i am loved. he is so busy working, doing his own thing, that he doesnt always put aside time for me.

 

we love our guys, we want to continually be with them, see them happy with us... but they are so busy or used to being on their own that they dont necessarily know that they arent showing enough affection, especially when we have been hurt before!

 

in the end, i think we just need to become more secure in our relationships. weve been hurt, but we need to make sure not to judge our current loves on our past ones. (have you talked to your bf about this? i talked to mine and he has been a lot better lately with keeping in contact.) and above all else, we need to not bottle it up, but not smother the poor things either!

 

in return, our guys need to learn to be a little more needy haha.

 

i dont think you are asking too much, but i think it will time for us to break our guys in. =]

 

dont worry, if marriage has come up, if you have made summer plans (both of these have happened for me as well), you must know he cares. dont assume the worst, it just makes you unhappy! at the same time, though, dont be too naive...

 

good luck

[xtiarax]

Make yourself less available.

 

 

Never tell him this feeling that you have as my ex bf of six months broke up with me last week becuase in his eyes i was too into him and he wanted to relax, when they can go without seeing you for about 3 days and have no contact with you whatsoever it means that the relationship may end soon, it may not but it did for me. If they do this then they are likely to have commitment problems thereforeeee they do not need to see you as much as you do them as they are not into it as much as you are its a sad thing but in my case it was true.