dream83 Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years. A few times he has mentioned anal sex. We tried to do it at one point, but as soon as it "began" I didn't like the way it felt. As a result, I told him that it did absolutely nothing for me and even made me feel a little uncomfortable, and also that I didn't think of my anus as a sexual part of my body (it's really just a personal preference). He has insisted on numerous occasions that he only brings it up b/c he's "heard many other people like it and thinks it's something I would enjoy." I've told him that I don't really find it sexually stimulating. Anyhow, a couple of months ago, he had been drinking a lot; we were in bed. He started touching me in the anal area and he began to try to insert his finger. He kept asking if he could insert a finger. I said no. After he continued to ask I said he could touch the area if he wanted to, but I did not want him to try to insert his finger (or anythign else!). He continued to try to insert his finger and insisted that "I would like it" if I relaxed my muscles. I told him to stop. He continued. I began to struggle and try to move away from him, push his hand away, etc. But, he kept trying. Finally, he stopped, and I told him that I especially didn't want to do it now b/c he insisted that he was really only trying to penetrate me there b/c he "thought I might enjoy it," yet he continued even though I was yelling and screaming for him to stop and even trying to push him away. At this point I was crying. I told him that his actions made me think he didn't care how I felt at all and was hell-bent on doing it anyhow. He then apologized for making me feel that way, said I was right, and said he would never ask me to have anal sex again. He honestly sounded sympathetic...but then again, he was drunk. This brings me to our current conflict. Last weekend, we were making plans and he said "Maybe we can have anal sex." I kind of froze and got this weird feeling and I couldn't really react in the moment. But I managed to say, "You're asking me that after what happened last time??" And then he dropped the subject, but he noticed the upset look on my face. So, he told me to "laugh about it" (....yeah). A couple of days ago I really thought about it and worked up the nerve to tell him that I was feeling sexually "uncomfortable" b/c it seemed like he was disregarding the drunken "event" that happened a couple of months ago. He then said that it never happened like that, and that I'm trying to remember it in a way to make myself feel miserable. He also says that I never said told him that I didn't like it, nor did I tell him that anal sex does nothing for me. He then asked why I was "attacking" him (verbally) and he immediately signed off (this conversation took place via IM just b/c I couldn't bring myself to talk about it earlier face to face). The next day, he sent me an email apologizing for yelling at me and said that this isn't a good time for him to talk about it b/c he's having an important week at work, and that he'd rather "move on from it" and not talk about it any other time either. Oddly enough, I've noticed that he only brings up things like anal sex when he's feeling inadequate in his career... I'm not quite sure how to react. I'm really angry and have been holding back b/c I don't want to completely fly off the handle and say bad things to him. But, i feel like I definitely should confront him about treating me this way. Furthermore, this whole thing is weird for me b/c the more I think about it the more disturbed I feel. I'm so bothered by it that I can't concentrate on anything else for long. Am I overreacting by spending so much time fuming over it and thinking about it? I just feel like it's not right, but I don't want to act unreasonably. If you managed to make it to the end of this post, thank you for hanging in there and listening!! Link to comment
letteiljmc4ever Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 no i dont think you are over reacting...he needs to respect your boundaries. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I think neither of you are handling this very well. Communication is the key here. He's not being respectful of your wishes, that is clear for sure. Perhaps he feels bad and awkward knowning he was being a jerk. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Wow he's a jerk! That's all I can say. What he is doing is trying to force sex on you. You have told him no numerous times and even after that he continues on with it making you feel uncomfortable. If he continues I suggest maybe getting away from him. Link to comment
miracle29 Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Am I overreacting by spending so much time fuming over it and thinking about it? I just feel like it's not right, but I don't want to act unreasonably. If you managed to make it to the end of this post, thank you for hanging in there and listening!! NO! You are not over reacting. Its your body! Your Anal!!! I tell you what. You wanna see how rediculous he is being? If so..stick your hand in his butt and see how much of a hissy fit he throws. Than all of a sudden you are being insensitive to him. I AM SERIOUS! I would tell him "ya know i've been thinking, and I wanna see if you like it too, can i have anal sex with you baby boy" I bet he'll be singing a different tune than! Might even let him see how it feels to be presurred to do something you don't want to do! I would not let up either. Every day I'd wait till he was near sleep and start messing with his! Watch the tables turn! Link to comment
Aviatormy Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 If you honestly are just completely turned off by the act of anal sex then he needs to respect that. If you are turned off by the way that he approaches the subject and the insane persistence... you should tell him. If you are afraid that it will hurt and thats the reason that you are not wanting to do it then you have two choices 1) Simply don't do it (Highly advised) 2) Start exploring penetration in that regioin on your own with toys and lubrication. See if you would in fact like it. Maybe somewhere down the road you can surprise him. Either way. He is in the wrong for not respecting your sexual boundaries and he should not bring it up again. Let me know if I need to issue a can of whoop butt! ha ha. Link to comment
miracle29 Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 If you honestly are just completely turned off by the act of anal sex then he needs to respect that. If you are turned off by the way that he approaches the subject and the insane persistence... you should tell him. If you are afraid that it will hurt and thats the reason that you are not wanting to do it then you have two choices 1) Simply don't do it (Highly advised) 2) Start exploring penetration in that regioin on your own with toys and lubrication. See if you would in fact like it. Maybe somewhere down the road you can surprise him. Either way. He is in the wrong for not respecting your sexual boundaries and he should not bring it up again. P.s. This is true too, the exploring part. Truth is...if a Man KNOWS what he is doing and he KNOWS how to lube you and prep you correctly, you should not be in so much pain. If he doesnt know he better take some darn tips before he tears up your exit only! But don't just give in because he's acting like a total spoiled pushy brat. I keep telling you..feel his rump up and watch the story change. He'll be whistling a new tune of dixie!~ Link to comment
Aviatormy Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 P.s. This is true too, the exploring part. Truth is...if a Man KNOWS what he is doing and he KNOWS how to lube you and prep you correctly, you should not be in so much pain. If he doesnt know he better take some darn tips before he tears up your exit only! But don't just give in because he's acting like a total spoiled pushy brat. I keep telling you..feel his rump up and watch the story change. He'll be whistling a new tune of dixie!~ Yeah. I would not like someone putting ANYTHING in my whistle! Link to comment
miracle29 Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Yeah. I would not like someone putting ANYTHING in my whistle! Most men dont like this. But my reason for suggesting this is so he can get a fresh 101 on what its like to be violated when you dn't want to be. I'd lube him up and shoot for the stars. He will probably freak and you can say "now you know how it feels". Hopefully he will slow down on the back door bullying! Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I keep telling you..feel his rump up and watch the story change. He'll be whistling a new tune of dixie!~ Or he may actually enjoy it.. EEK! Link to comment
miracle29 Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Or he may actually enjoy it.. EEK! Ha..than she would be in TWEBLE! Link to comment
Whiplash Girl Child Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I never thought I'd like anal sex before I tried it. I thought I'd be the last person to like it. The only thing that made me think that I wouldn't like it was the fact that I didn't enjoy it that much when my azz would get fingered. I never disliked it. But it just didn't do that much for me. HOWEVER . . . I decided to give anal a try once and, well . . . now I sometimes prefer it over vaginal sex! You should def. try it. It might hurt a bit for the first thrust or two, but the pain goes away fast and turns into, well . . . delightful pleasure. You have to try it at least once or twice. You may be convinced that you won't like it, but so was I. And look at me now (my man calls me an anal junkie!). Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I don't like it.. don't like the idea, never will try it! It may be the most enjoyable thing but you could never get me to try it so I guess i'll never know. Some people just aren't comfortable doing it. (and not everyone is going to like it even if they do try it.) Link to comment
Whiplash Girl Child Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 (and not everyone is going to like it even if they do try it.) I know that I wasn't insisting that she'd like it. I was saying that you just never know until you try. Seriously. I thought I'd HATE it. So the possibility of liking it does exist. LoL. Nevermind . . . More for me then! LoL. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 I know that I wasn't insisting that she'd like it. I was saying that you just never know until you try. Seriously. I thought I'd HATE it. So the possibility of liking it does exist. LoL. Nevermind . . . More for me then! LoL. Oh i know what you were saying.. I know alot of people though that think that just because they like it everyone else will (Not you!) but people I know personally. Link to comment
dream83 Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I "know" that I have a right to feel the way I feel, but just sort of needed to air out my thoughts off of other people as well...a sort of "virtual" moral support, I guess. Also, I really needed to get this out before attempting to talk to him b/c i'm angry enough to say very blunt things that would probably be upsetting and maybe even hurtful to him. I've been trying to get to a calmer headspace before even revisiting it (mind you I did try to talk to him once...calmly...and he completely blew up at me). As for being afraid or having reservations, it's not that at all. When I attempted to let him try it a long time ago, I tried to be into it, but it just felt gross. Furthermore, I've always thought of that part as an exit, not an entrance! Basically, I want neither a "skilled" nor an "unskilled" man trying to put things up my back end. Miracle, I like your idea about "turning the tables" on him. I'm really tempted to surprise him with some unexpected object (it won't be my finger b/c well...ew) just so he knows how it feels. And for added measure, if he objects I should tell him to just "laugh about it." ...And thanks for the offering of the can of whoop-ass. LOL I'll be sure to let you know if it's needed. Link to comment
auburnslp Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 well for me it's simple...I enjoy it ONLY if the girl I am with is into it. Not a requirement. Last girl I dated said that was the only thing that she wouldn't do, so I never asked! Pretty simple. It can be fun though if you are with a girl who is into it... But for your question...in my mind this is simple as well. He has a choice. If you are against it, and he is dead-set on it, then he should either respect your wishes or go find someone to fulfill his. And that is completely his choice. Pushing you to do something that you are not comfortable with is NOT one of his choices. Just my humble opinion... Link to comment
dream83 Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 I'd also like to add that whether or not anal sex is enjoyable isn't the issue here. It's the simple fact that whether I love it or hate it I said no...repeatedly. I don't buy into his "I only really want to do it b/c YOU would enjoy it" excuse. Quite frankly, I think it insults my intelligence, and I'm done with the whole "you might like it," thing. Furthermore, I was appauled that he had the audacity to bring it up again after I literally pushed him away last time b/c he was being obnoxious. After thinking about it, I'm noticing patterns that make me feel like his desire to do this has little to do with sex and more to do with control, submission, and/or simply wanting to go away and tell his friends that he did it. Sorry, venting again...I'm getting angry all over again just thinking about it. Link to comment
auburnslp Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 uh, well, ok, well yeah...there is a little bit of the control/submission thing involved... it actually is a part of the thrill, for I think both willing partners... but that is not to say that you shouldn't be angry with him trying to force the idea on you...if it's not for you, then it's not for you... Link to comment
dream83 Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 Well, I say that for two reasons: 1) by control/domination I was referring to the possibility of this stemming from "deeper issues" that my boyfriend may have, and not from simply wanting to control during sex. And 2) I know your opinion, and you know mine, but there are some who would venture to argue that it has nothing to do with wanting to dominate and control their partner. Those people are also entitled to their opinion. Link to comment
ResonanceTheory Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 My boyfriend does the same thing, Dream. I have tried everything in the book...telling him that it hurts, it does nothing for me, talking calmly, yelling, nothing changes. The thing is, I was willing to try it in the beginning, and we did it a few times, but after bleeding a couple of times after we did it and experiencing pain afterwards (especially when I went to the bathroom), I decided that it was not for me. I try to make him realize that it's very selfish for him to want something that does nothing for me sexually/creates pain just so that he can get off. The thing is, it seems to be his number one fantasy, so it's kind of hard for him to just "give it up", I guess. His computer is also full of anal porn. In the end, I just kind of end up feeling like the selfish one because I won't give him what he wants. And it makes me feel a little bit insecure that he's watching all this anal porn and fantasizing about women that are willing to do that sort of thing. I mean...it's not like I don't put out often...I don't think that it's about control either, but he just won't stop asking for anal, and that fact is probably the one and only thing that truly annoys me about him, and we have been living together for about a year now. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there are people out there going through the same poop (no pun intended). I hope you find a way to work it out with your bf. Link to comment
miracle29 Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Not only that but just know that like the gentleman said before..."FORCING YOU IS NOT ONE OF HIS LITTLE OPTIONS" he should be happy you have not snapped his naughty little finger off! Men who just have to have this need to be with a woman who likes it. And trust me, there are men out there who are just fine with a woman who will NOT do this. Those who are not..need to find them selves an anal junkie (snickers) so that they can live happily anal after! He sounds like one insensitive little * * * * * !!! I'm over him. Little herb! Link to comment
miracle29 Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 I think you ladies may be forgetting that there are a TON of men out there who would appreciate you and never rub this in your face. I would slap the living taste out of a mans mouth if he knew it was not for me and wanted to have it on the computer and books and everything else as if to throw a silent protest because he was not having his way. This sucks, these guys sound rediculous not to mention spoiled and immature and did I say Selfish! A man too obsessed with anal may need to come out of the closet! Link to comment
Whiplash Girl Child Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Those who are not..need to find them selves an anal junkie (snickers) so that they can live happily anal after! Huh? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.