Update: She Slept Over Last Night.

[blgmike2]

UPDATE

 

so last night she came over and said that she still loves me, that i have nothing to worry about. she slept at my apartment last night and she just left. she hugged and kissed me. was laying on my chest all night/cuddling with me. i held her all night. she pretty much just said she wants her space and she doesnt like me texting/calling her so much. but she said she wants to be with me, just not right now

 

so now my questions are:

-do i read into any of this? what does this mean? is she still in love with me? is she coming back?

-what do i do now to stay on her good side?

 

please help.

 

ps. thanks for all the advice friends. you guys really know how to make me feel so much better.

[kuiks8]

I think the best thing you can do is focus on you...it sounds like she does have feelings for you but is feeling crowded so i would take time to get back to all the things you enjoy, live your own life and when she sees you are doing that you will get more definitive answers on how she truly feels. And if she says she doesn't want to get back together you will have spent all this time working on bettering yourself and it won't hurt so much...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She just did what countless dumpers do...turn on the charm when they want the comfort of their ex's warm body....and then after getting what they want...pull the "oh no, we're just friends for now...but I still love you" crap. Keeps the ex hanging on waiting for more. I would suggest next time she turns on the charm with the "I love you, don't worry" lines do not give her the warmth and cuddles she wants. She should make a firm commitment to rebuilding this relationship before you get cuddly close again. Otherwise she will keep stringing you along every time she feels horny or lonely.

[Hope75]

She just did what countless dumpers do...turn on the charm when they want the comfort of their exs warm body....and then after getting what they want...pull the "oh no, we're just friends for now...but I still love you" crap. Keeps the ex hanging on waiting for me. I would suggest next time she turns on the charm with the "I love you, don't worry" lines do not give her the warmth and cuddles she wants. She should make a firm commitment to rebuilding this relationship before you get cuddly close again. Otherwise she will keep stringing you along every time she feels horny or lonely.

 

I agree 100% with CAD- I've seen this and been victim to it.

 

I would make some space if I were you- and the next time she tries to cuddle up remind her of what she keeps telling you- she doesn't want a relationship right now which means she doesn't get to use you for the perks when she feels like it and then tell you to back off when you want an actual relationship with her.

 

Put your foot down.

[jettison]

UPDATE

 

so last night she came over and said that she still loves me, that i have nothing to worry about. she slept at my apartment last night and she just left. she hugged and kissed me. was laying on my chest all night/cuddling with me. i held her all night.

 

That probably felt great for you... and I'm guessing that she knows just how great it felt for you. And I'm guessing that she felt pretty good about making some guy she knows is in love with her happy for a night. It gives her a sense of power and control.

 

she pretty much just said she wants her space and she doesnt like me texting/calling her so much. but she said she wants to be with me, just not right now

 

Translation: I want you to hang around and be in love with me for the foreseeable future... until I find another guy to fall in love with, and I'm in a new relationship. At that point, I'm going to tell you "You're such a sweetheart. I will always love you, but we just weren't right for each other."

 

so now my questions are:

-do i read into any of this? what does this mean? is she still in love with me? is she coming back?

 

She's not in love with you. She may come back if she's unlucky in her other love ventures. You are backup plan 1A. I suppose she thinks that you'll take this as some kind of feather in your cap. She may have backup plans 1B and 1C, but you're 1A. Considering that, at some point, she will be dating a non-backup plan, I'm not exactly sure how important your A rating really is as her #1 backup plan.

 

-what do i do now to stay on her good side?

 

Do everything you can NOT to stay on her good side. She knows that you're actually trying to stay on her good side, and that's why she feels so completely in control, not even remotely worried about your devotion, and hence, not particularly passionate about you. Removing all doubt tends to remove all passion. If you do end up "trying to stay on her good side" then she will see this as you not being yourself, just trying to please her, and basically succumbing to her whims. She will lose even more respect for you.

 

please help.

 

When I was quite young, I made this mistake when dating a woman. Her name was Katie. I was "in love" with her. On some levels, I thought her to be "magic" or something, like she could do no wrong. I put her on a pedestal. I tried to make her understand just how much I was crazy about her, and I did it on a regular basis. She believed every word of it, and heh, the words were true. But at some point, her lack of doubt spelled a lack of passion. She had "won" over the guy, and not just won him over, but had done it 10 fold. It was too much.

 

You'll read a lot of ENA threads about women becoming flustered because "I'm only attracted to ". What they're reallly attracted to is someone who is really attracted to them, but won't also fawn all over them at every turn. It just so happens that quite often, the guys that are able to control themselves a little bit better are also . It's more of a coincidence then a correlation. Your job is simple. You do not try to please your woman. You please yourself, while also being good to her. Learn to become demanding. Demanding is sexy simply because you are showing your passion and sticking up for it. Sticking up for her passions is artificial because you'll just be doing it to win her favor. Again, I am NOT advocating being a jerk to this woman, or to anyone. Quite to the contrary, you should be good to everyone. What I am advocating is that person you need to treat the absolute best is you. NOT her. She comes second, or perhaps third of fourth if you include your mother, your sister, etc.

 

In your head, if you do or say the wrong thing, if you're combative, if you're dismissive, if you're too hands off.... you're going to lose her. Your instincts are wrong, and it's quite the opposite in some ways. If you are worried about doing the wrong thing then, by definition, you are now doing the wrong thing. Worry about making yourself happy, and simply include your partner in that happiness. That's the key.

 

ps. thanks for all the advice friends. you guys really know how to make me feel so much better.

 

I realize that my advice won't necessarily make you feel any better, but making you feel better in the short term isn't going to do much for you in the long term. Feel free to save this post, and then 6 months from now you can come back and tell me how wrong I was. I'd actually love it if I were wrong.

[DN]

She just did what countless dumpers do...turn on the charm when they want the comfort of their ex's warm body....and then after getting what they want...pull the "oh no, we're just friends for now...but I still love you" crap. Keeps the ex hanging on waiting for more. I would suggest next time she turns on the charm with the "I love you, don't worry" lines do not give her the warmth and cuddles she wants. She should make a firm commitment to rebuilding this relationship before you get cuddly close again. Otherwise she will keep stringing you along every time she feels horny or lonely.

I agree 100% with CAD- I've seen this and been victim to it.

 

I would make some space if I were you- and the next time she tries to cuddle up remind her of what she keeps telling you- she doesn't want a relationship right now which means she doesn't get to use you for the perks when she feels like it and then tell you to back off when you want an actual relationship with her.

 

Put your foot down.

I agree with both of these points. The more you allow her to behave like this the more she will continue to use you and make no mistake, she is using you. Don't let her do that.

[Addicus]

She just did what countless dumpers do...turn on the charm when they want the comfort of their ex's warm body....and then after getting what they want...pull the "oh no, we're just friends for now...but I still love you" crap. Keeps the ex hanging on waiting for more. I would suggest next time she turns on the charm with the "I love you, don't worry" lines do not give her the warmth and cuddles she wants. She should make a firm commitment to rebuilding this relationship before you get cuddly close again. Otherwise she will keep stringing you along every time she feels horny or lonely.

 

 

I have to agree with this.....don't let her or anyone ever play you. Theya re either trying to work on a serious relaitonship or not. There is no fence sitting. IF there is then stay away, stay clear. Let her sit on the fence but don't sit there with ehr and keep your life in limbo. Limbo is no fun. Be good to yourself.

[blgmike2]

even if she is wanting to hang out with me and stuff like that? she called me and asked me if i wanted to hang out with her today after sleeping at my house the next day. we went to a burger place, and she is sleeping in my bed as we speak. she is doing homework at my house after this. (im 20 and shes 19) she just told me im not competing with anyone and that she loves me and no one else. and she knows she will never find anyone like me and that im the one she wants to be with.

 

it seems like shes wanting to be around me and be with me. she just hasn't made the commitment yet

 

what now? : / so confused. when im with her i feel like i can fly. i want her 10x more than i did when i was with her. i am willing to change. shes amazing. i want her back and im doing my best to do NC but when she calls me and begs to hang out with me and eat lunch with her, i cant help but say of course.

 

is there a possibility that she comes back on what im doing?

i wont call or text her at all. or contact her.

but if she contacts me, i pick up or respond.

i asked her if shes in love with me or just loves me and she said both with a real sincere look on her face. which gives me hope. she kisses me and hugs me alot. and i just told her how i feel. and she said she feels the same, shes just wants to have fun right now without having a bf. no other guys, didnt break up with me bc she fell out of love, she just wants her space. she said she doesnt want to be in a relationship with anyone but me.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I am following advice in link removed. You may find ideas there, too. I think the "be available minimally" is probably important here. Show her that you have a life outside of her and that you aren't at her beck and call. So, maybe decline the offer to hang out. You're busy with something else. You'll see her for homework, but when you're done with that, you'll have to say goodbye for the day, because you're a busy man. Just a thought.

[DN]

Whenever one person takes and doesn't give they are using the other person. That is what is happening here. She wants all the benefits of a relationship with you except that she can do what she wants, when she wants, without any reference at all to what you want. That is selfish and self-centered. It means she only cares about herself and only pretends to care about you.

[need2bme]

Whenever one person takes and doesn't give they are using the other person. That is what is happening here. She wants all the benefits of a relationship with you except that she can do what she wants, when she wants, without any reference at all to what you want. That is selfish and self-centered. It means she only cares about herself and only pretends to care about you.

 

AMEN. One of my X's mentioned that she "missed the silliness". My attitude, finally, was tough...you cannot have what you want, when you want it, without having the whole thing.

 

Don't give her all the "benefits" without making her work. I don't mean that you should ignore her, rather know that you are worth chasing too.

[Hope75]

Unless she says that she is ready for a relationship with you now that includes being committed, being with you 100% and putting in the effort to make it work- I would tell her you are not comfortable spending time with her and getting less than that.

 

She is using you for comfort/familiarity while not making the commitment to be with you and putting in the work that relationships require.

 

And you are letting her.

 

- one additional point is that you should never try to 'change' for another person- if there is something about yourself that you wish to change it should be for you- not to fit the mold of what someone else wants you to be.