oh crap i just realized that things are moving way too fast

[missmebaby]

oh man something just hit me tonight....i think that i am moving too fast with my boyfriend and im worried that i might scare him away. i have only known him for about a month and a half now..in the beginning it was him doing all the chasing...calling me, texting me, inviting me to hang out. But ive realized in the last week i have become somewhat clingy and attached. I need to stop it now somehow and slow things down. But i have no idea how to do that without him thinking i am being weird.

 

like i said we have known each other for only a month and a half but things were going so well and it felt like we were together so i asked him. he said

"well i dont want to date anyone else i know that." so i took it as meaning i was his girlfriend now. the next day i changed my myspace account from "single" to "in a relationship." his still says single. i do let him do the calling and texting for the most part but lately i have been the one to ask him to hang out. i see him about 3 times a week and everytime i spend the night. he is always texting me throughout the day telling me how much he misses me and is thinking about me and cant wait to see me, and when we are together he is always affectionate and kissing me and telling me that he feels we have a great connection and i make him so happy, etc etc. last night i woke up a few times to feel him wrapping his arms around me and saying "are you comfortable baby?" and this morning he kissed me goodbye and said he is going to miss me.

 

his last girlfriend did not admit they were together for 3 months and now i have myself freaked out that im seeming too clingy. tonight while we were on the phone i asked him if he was too busy to have a girlfriend and he took it as me meaning that i didnt get to see him enough. last night we had plans to do something and he took forever to call me and let me know for sure what the plan was and i was thinking that he must have decided he didnt want to see me. so i was getting madder and more worried by the minute and when he did call me i said "i thought maybe you changed your mind about hanging out." he said "no, i told you we were going to do something, why would you assume we werent? i didnt call you til now because ive been working on my truck with my dad, you knew that." i realize how insecure i sounded and i wish i could take it back. we havent had sex yet and hes been great about it, never pressuring me and saying he wants to go at my pace so im comfortable. i feel like i need to back off a bit and let him do the chasing but its so hard to go backwards and i dont want it to backfire on me. its just been within the past week to week and a half that ive been like this, like i am just so insecure and full of doubts and thinking hes going to change his mind about me and its going to end up sabotaging our relationship.

 

so, please help me out here. what can i do to just help play it cool and go with the flow and not be so attached so soon? i do not want to push this guy away, i need to slow things back down but i dont know how

[Mun]

Hi there,

Maybe you are feeling insecure because he seems to have pulled back a bit? Hey that is kind of a normal thing that happens when we get into a relationship. We seem to backtrack to get a bit of our "individuality" back... like doing things with our friends...you haven't done it but he has. Let him have his guy time and try and schedule some girl time with your buddies too. This way you both miss each other and have some catching up when you do see each other again.

 

Don't fret, he is still interested in you, just relax and enjoy the relationship. If you feel like constantly calling to get that reassurance just remember that being insecure is unattractive. And being sure of yourself is very, very sexy. Have fun!

[Batya33]

Forget about who "chases" who. If he seems to be backing off, give him twice the space he seems to need. Return his calls within several hours, not minutes, unless it's to make or confirm a plan or he has a specific question that can't wait. Let him do all of the asking, and feel comfortable saying no if it is a last minute afterthought plan.

 

Pulling back is ok - the dance of intimacy- pulling back and being rude or unreliable as a result, isn't cool.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

I disagree with letting him do all the asking - that will look very much as if you are playing games. Much better to call some of the time and let him call the rest. You have already gone from hm chasing to you chasing and what you need to do now is to find a balance.

 

And if he is calling or texting you throughout the day it certainly doesn't seem as if he is becoming uninterested - but you backing off might have that effect.

[Batya33]

I disagree with letting him do all the asking - that will look very much as if you are playing games. Much better to call some of the time and let him call the rest. You have already gone from hm chasing to you chasing and what you need to do now is to find a balance.

 

And if he is calling or texting you throughout the day it certainly doesn't seem as if he is becoming uninterested - but you backing off might have that effect.

 

I agree that he should not do all the asking - just more of it than she is, for now. If you read her prior threads, he's been flaking on plans and going out with his friends far more than her. I am a big fan of giving people space who seem to need it - not to play games, but to respect their needs. I do that with friends, too - if they start to be less available, etc, I back off, I don't ignore them, but i back off a bit and almost every time, when they come out of their cave, they call with apologies about being in the cave. The other times, they might stop calling or the friendship might fade but that just confirms that the friendship was on its way out. I make sure the person knows I would enjoy getting together. It's not a game.

 

With men, I found that it was quite effective, if they started being unreliable or disrespectful of my time, etc, to give a few chances, and then stop being "as" available - my actions were far more effective than words "don't take me for granted" - by seeing that I wasn't as available, not racing to return a call to chat, they realized (the ones who were interested but had gone into a cave, fallen off the wagon) that I wasn't going to put up with treatment like that. I didn't look for an apology other than apology for being unreliable, but just for different behavior.

[DN]

"Out of their cave"?? Wearing skins, grunting and dragging their knuckles on the ground?

 

I think men have progressed a little further than that.