What to do in a loveless marriage

[homedad]

I am married with a young daughter. I have stayed at home with her since she was born. I worked for several years while my wife finished her college degree. She then went for an advanced degree in a well-paying field. We've been together for 10 years. Slowly, our relationship has devolved into nothing. I'm the nanny, cook, maid, etc., but certainly not the husband anymore. I've been sleeping on the couch for 3 years. We don't kiss or have any kind of affection, despite my attempts. I asked her point blank if she still loved me, or just liked having me around to take care of things, she skated around the question and refused to answer. Her schedule makes couples counseling near-impossible. I have been depressed for several years and I know this missing part of my life is partly responsible. I love my daughter and want to do what's best, I just don't know if I can spend my entire life in a loveless marriage. I need help and advice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have you thought about going back to work? Maybe if you went back to work it might give you a new lease on life. Also, is it possible that your wife resents being the breadwinner? Maybe if you went out to work as well she might feel better about the marriage?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Seems like you've put forth an effort.

 

If she hasn't returned any effort, leaving is probably your only option.

 

Also, having parents who never communicate or possibly fight a lot (you didn't mention that but it may digress to that) is worse than having two separated parents.

[Portage]

I was going to suggest exactly what CAD's said above. Maybe it is now your time to get out and start changing your surroundings. I assume your daughter is school age or very soon? It is time for you to grow and prosper out there.

 

When i'm out and about and mixing at work, i feel rejuvenated. What about going back to school pt or working pt and seeing how supportive your wife is with this change?

[Boughs]

Seems like you've put forth an effort.

 

If she hasn't returned any effort, leaving is probably your only option.

 

Also, having parents who never communicate or possibly fight a lot (you didn't mention that but it may digress to that) is worse than having two separated parents.

 

I read a quote recently that its actually better to have both parents because it increases the childs intelligence... but for overall benefit I think its best to have two separate.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I read a quote recently that its actually better to have both parents because it increases the childs intelligence... but for overall benefit I think its best to have two separate.

 

I'm glad my parents divorced. I'd be seriously messed up otherwise.

 

I think it'd increase intelligence because it is very stressful to be a single parents. It's almost impossible to spend time with your child that is actually one on one time. Single parents have to multi task. Intelligence seems to stem from interaction at a young age. I had a grandmother who spent all day with me, so, I got more interaction than otherwise.

[rocio]

There's nothing wrong or shameful in being the "nanny", "cook" or "maid" (these are really just alternative words for "parent", as far as I'm concerned). These are things to be proud of. But you seem to fulfill that role with shame. Do you lack confidence?

[Boughs]

I think its his wife that seems to be the one upset at being the breadwinner.

[itsallgrand]

How old is your daughter?

 

The idea of going back to work is solid, imo.

 

Get you out there and your wife with some free time, and some time with her daughter too.

 

Do you get a chance to spend any time as family all together? As a couple, just the two of you?

 

Is there a money issue at the bottom of this?

 

If you are this unhappy, I bet your wife is too. It won't be easy, but I think it'd be more than worth some effort to try and work it out before leaving.

[knightNshiningarmor]

a thought to throw out there...two unhappy parents together or much worse on the children then two happy parents apart....i resent my parents so much for bringing me up in a loveless home...i could even as a young child see the distance between them and i think it has played a huge role on my commitment issues and abandonment fears i have today...for the health of your child either find a way to work things out or leave and start making yourself a happier person...i might suggest getting your independence back even if your full check goes to paying for a nanny at least you know you can leave if you wanted to...it seems as it is...you may not be able to...And yes she may have lost some of the lust because she feels like she is the man of the house...not to be too harsh on you but ive seen it happen numerous times...both couples think this is a good route and think nothing will come of it but sometimes our nature overrides our common sense.

[knightNshiningarmor]

lol Ted Kaczynski was very intelligent and he became the unabomber so its not always about intelligence...besides i think with two committed parents it wouldnt change things.

[molly73]

to me it sounds as though your wife is very selfish, having you around to take care of house etc is a comfort for her, otherwise she wouldn't be where she is today. i don't know how old your daughter is, but if i was you, i'd go back to work and find your independence. if your daughter is little then take her to a nursery, which will only be a positive thing for her. how can it be a marriage if there isn't any sex??

i feel so sorry for you...wake up mate and get a life back!!! nobody will doubt the loe you have towards your daughter. what role does her mother have?