Amount of contact in LDR

[lenni]

My boyfriend and I were together in the same city for 1.5 years before he moved away for school. We broke up for awhile, dated other people and remained friends. But after 10 months, I guess all the feelings were just still there and we decided to do long distance. We both want a committed relationship and have talked about the long term plans of begin together in the same city and both of us wanting a family.

 

I know he loves me. I know he is committed. But we don't have very much contact. He is in law school and insanely busy, and right now it is the worst because he is preparing for finals. I'm busy too, but not to the degree he is. We talk on the phone maybe twice a week, and I typically let him lead the way when it comes to the amount of contact because I know his schedule and workload is crazy. I want to be supportive of that. A couple days ago he called and told me he wants to come visit next month and we agreed upon the dates (I was just there visiting him last weekend).

 

The problem that I'm having is that being in a relationship where we talk once or twice a week feels... more like a relationship on hold than a relationship. I am NOT saying we should talk on the phone every day for an hour or anything. It would simply help me to get an email or text message or something every day or two... just one or two lines making contact so i know he's thinking of me. I sent him an email a couple days ago just saying hi and he's not responded at all. It feels a bit disconnected to me.

 

So I know - I could ask for just a "hello" from him more often. So far I haven't because I guess I'm holding on to the immature wish that he'd actually WANT to send me a "hello, i'm thinking of you" on his own accord, or at least respond to mine without it being something he does because I told him to. I've told myself a million times that people are not mind readers and people have different needs and you have to ask for what you need. But I'm just sort of baffled by why it isn't a problem for him to go for days with no contact at all?

 

How can we negotiate the frequency of our contact so that we both feel good about it? I'm just thinking that if he starts sending a hello email every day because I tell him to do so, it's going to feel contrived to me. I wish he just was thinking of me and wanting to let me know that more often.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, no matter what, you need to tell him your concerns. He probably thinks that you are okay with the amount now, why would he do it more? He doesn't want to interfere with your schedule as much as you want to with his.

 

Instead of asking for more contact, say something like:

 

"I know you're busy, but I really enjoy talking to you. Anyway we can get in touch more often?"

 

You aren't asking him in a nagging sense, you put out your concerns, you open the discussion.

[Batya33]

My bf and I are both insanely busy - he is probably more busy overall because he travels much more. It's also unpredictable busy for me more than for him - so I never really know my schedule day to day. We are long distance. It is rare that we miss a day of having a phone call - if we do it is because he is traveling many hours on a plan. We also e-mail every day. I cherish our phone time - it is what keeps us connected. We see each other every two weeks at least.

 

With cellphones, texting, IM, e-mail I think most people would have at least five minutes a day to check in with an exception for the week before finals in grad school I guess. When I was in school almost no one had a cell, and no one had external e-mail or IM. But in a relationship, we kept in regular touch. That's just how it worked for me and the people I knew.

 

It's good of you to be patient and flexible but I would need more contact in an LDR than what you describe.

[JadedStar]

I agree with Batya. I think in an LDR regular contact by phone, email or IM is even more important than when in a non LDR. In a non LDR you see each other regularly so all of the electronic communication isn't as necessary.

 

Despite the urgings of people that absense makes the heart grow fonder i thikn that absense can also bring about distance and make you not as close if you are not regularly communicating.

[ladyblue07]

Doesn't he send emails or anything during the week? If not, I definitely understand why you're concerned. Law school is busy, but if he really wanted to even the busiest person can spare 15 mintues to send an email.

You have to be careful how you talk to him about this, though. If you sound demanding or angry about not hearing from him more, it will just push him away.

[JadedStar]

Doesn't he send emails or anything during the week? If not, I definitely understand why you're concerned. Law school is busy, but if he really wanted to even the busiest person can spare 15 mintues to send an email.

You have to be careful how you talk to him about this, though. If you sound demanding or angry about not hearing from him more, it will just push him away.

 

RIght. I will never believe a person you are dating is so busy they can't squeeze in an email.... It doesn't take that long and when a person is on yuor mind and you care about them it is something you tend to make time for.

[lenni]

thanks for all the responses!

 

i think you are all right - he definitely could take a few minutes to send an email saying hello. i think maybe he just doesn't have the same needs that i do for this sort of daily contact - and maybe he looks more to our long phone calls once or twice a week as more substantial contact. he once told me he thinks about me all the time - i just don't think for him that translates into sending a message saying hi.

 

yes, he does occasionally does send emails during the week but it is a bit inconsistent and sometimes days will go by where i don't hear from him at all. then he'll call and say he wants to visit and make a plan with me for that. he did that on wednesday - now i haven't heard from him since.

 

right he has finals coming up and i know that is stressing him out a bit and demanding a lot of his focus.

 

we're newly reconciled and new to a long distance relationship, so these things are something we have to work out. the advice to communicate about this and work it out early on is definitely good advice. i do think there is a way i can say something without making demands but letting him know that it really helps me feel connected just having a quick hello every day or two when we can't talk for longer. i'm the type that likes to think things through a lot about how i want to say something before i do so i appreciate the suggestions!

[Lana0120]

Well, no matter what, you need to tell him your concerns. He probably thinks that you are okay with the amount now, why would he do it more? He doesn't want to interfere with your schedule as much as you want to with his.

 

Instead of asking for more contact, say something like:

 

"I know you're busy, but I really enjoy talking to you. Anyway we can get in touch more often?"

 

You aren't asking him in a nagging sense, you put out your concerns, you open the discussion.

 

 

Something like that seems like a good idea. He may be busy, but it's fair to say he could stay in touch by e-mail at least.

[Batya33]

if he was thinking about you he would think about ways to brighten up your day and implement them. Like a one line e-mail. Thinking about someone as in yearning and longing is very sweet but I don't know anyone who would be happy to hear "yeah, I didn't call you for two weeks because I got busy but I thought of you every single day!" Gee, thanks for the [after]thought. Especially if the "Thinker" knows that the Thinkee would appreciate a one line e-mail once a day. Obviously there's always a balance, you need to take care of you and care for the other person in a relationship, I'm just giving my opinion that his way seems imbalanced and not caring.

[lenni]

if he was thinking about you he would think about ways to brighten up your day and implement them. Like a one line e-mail. Thinking about someone as in yearning and longing is very sweet but I don't know anyone who would be happy to hear "yeah, I didn't call you for two weeks because I got busy but I thought of you every single day!" Gee, thanks for the [after]thought. Especially if the "Thinker" knows that the Thinkee would appreciate a one line e-mail once a day. Obviously there's always a balance, you need to take care of you and care for the other person in a relationship, I'm just giving my opinion that his way seems imbalanced and not caring.

 

yeah, i have definitely wondered why thinking about me doesn't translate into sending a "hello", telling me one thing about his day, asking about mine, or something along those lines.

 

when he lived here it was rare that we didn't talk in a day. on days that we didn't see each other we usually talked on the phone.

 

he doesn't know i would appreciate a one-line email, or a text, or a 5 minute phone call or whatever on most days. i haven't said that. maybe he just doesn't need that? maybe for him the real contact comes with the longer chats on the phone and he just isn't able to do that with finals coming up? maybe one line emails or "i'm thinking of you notes" just aren't something he needs and he doesn't realize that i need them?

 

i'm just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because i don't think he means to be hurtful nor neglectful. i think i just need to communicate my needs to him. i'm just trying to figure out how to do that without him ending up feeling like he has a daily "task" to email me. i want it to be a little more natural than that. i wish he felt the need/desire to have a little contact each day - even for just a few minutes. but i suppose he doesn't so i need to let him know that i do.

[Batya33]

I don't think I would be compatible with someone who was in a serious relationship with me and didn't want daily contact with the occasional every other day contact.

 

What I would do I guess is send him a one line e-mail checking in and ask how his day is going. Then, it doesn't matter what he "needs" - it matters whether he is willing to put in the effort to reply to an email you send. Would he blow off a close friend or family member?

 

Or you could express it this way "how does our amount of contact feel to you?" See what he says and I would hope he would ask you the same.

[lenni]

I don't think I would be compatible with someone who was in a serious relationship with me and didn't want daily contact with the occasional every other day contact.

 

What I would do I guess is send him a one line e-mail checking in and ask how his day is going. Then, it doesn't matter what he "needs" - it matters whether he is willing to put in the effort to reply to an email you send. Would he blow off a close friend or family member?

 

Or you could express it this way "how does our amount of contact feel to you?" See what he says and I would hope he would ask you the same.

 

Yeah, I am having a problem with it. When he lived here we did have that much contact. Now it isn't working that way. It's confusing because when I saw him he expressed *more* certainty about me/us then ever before and was talking about plans for our future.

 

I did send him a really short email on Thursday sending a link to an article I thought he'd be interested in and said I realized he might not have a lot of time to read it for awhile. Then just said I'd hoped he'd gotten a lot done the night before and also got some sleep (after we talked on the phone) and asked if the weather had gotten any better there since I'd been there. No response to this email.

 

Last night I sent him a text message - just saying i was thinking of him and asking if he got to see some mutual friends of ours who he was hoping to see saturday. Again, no response.

 

I know he is "around" because he sent me a hug on facebook (after I sent him one) the other day.

 

I don't think he'd "blow off" a close friend or family, no, but I do think he might not responsd for a few days unless there was something urgent. But I am the same as you - I want & need more in a serious relationship. I am trying to respect that he is very busy, but it is too much for me that he can't respond with a short hello. I'm starting to think he's having second thoughts or something else has come up.

 

So I plan to call him today and talk about it.

[lenni]

well i just talked to him. i asked him about how the contact felt to him. i realized after i did if it wasn't feeling good to him or he wanted more contact he probably would have just been making more contact or saying something. it took him awhile to answer and at first he said he didn't know - again, i guess because he wasn't having any problem with it. he eventually said that he guessed it didn't feel very close. he suggested that we could pick times that work for both our schedules to talk and have phone dates. i said that would be nice. he also mentioned again that he was going to get a plane ticket to come and visit in a few weeks after his finals.

 

i told him i realized that we couldn't have long conversations every day given our schedules and that was ok with me, but that when we go for days without any sort of contact i feel disconnected from him. i told him that when i was down visiting and he showed me all the places he goes and i met some of his friends i felt connected to him. i told him that just short emails telling me one thing from his day or something makes me feel involved in his life and that he is thinking about me. he thanked me for bringing it up and said that he would do more to make that sort of contact.

 

why don't i feel better? he mentioned that he got my text last night asking whether he'd been able to meet up with his friends and that he did get to meet with them. why would he just not respond to the text at all? he just thinks i am saying hi but don't necessarily need a response right away? i just don't get it. why am i the only one who seems to like/need more than a phone call once or twice a week?

 

i'm glad that he is responsive and will try to make things better, but i just don't understand how he goes for days without talking to me and doesn't respond to things like my text last night and then it isn't any big deal to him at all. what i don't get is why he doesn't want to be in each other's daily lives? he's talking about coming to visit, wanting to be in a committed relationship, trying to get work here eventually and move back, having a family... but yet he doesn't want/need to be in contact for days at a time?

 

i just don't get it.

 

my friend who has been in a ldr for years said it was similar with his girlfriend - that he didn't need such regular contact and she did. she would call him every day (even though she was in med school) and he always picked up and talked to her, but he would have been ok not to talk so often. he didn't need that kind of contact. now they are engaged... i know he loves her and wants to be with her but just had different needs. so i'm trying to accept that we are just different, and not be hurt by it. but right now.... i just AM hurt by it and trying to figure out how i can work through it with him and work through my feelings.

 

i see people who are sharing their lives... spending time together in their daily lives... and it hurts me that he can go days without so much as an email. he was mentioning that the friends he saw last night (who i also know) just traveled all around the world together. they moved from one city to another together (now living where he lives) and are engaged. i think about this - that kind of togetherness - and he and i are SO far away from that. we can't even have regular contact without my having to ask for it. i want someone (him) as a partner in my life and am willing to tolerate long distance for a time but the distance between us doesn't just seem geographical, and it is hurting me.

[Saygo]

From my experience, it seems that guys usually need less contact and sometimes need more air than females do, may it be in LDR or "normal" relationships...

 

I know that not all guys are that way and I sometimes feel like I am asking for too much contact myself in my relationships. One of my ex even told me I was "choking" him. It hurt a lot...

 

I think talking to him ws a good idea, because you need to express your needs and to see if he will really make efforts about them. Remember that it is easy to say something and harder to do it... Just don't expect too much from him at the beginning or else you might be disappointed. Also thank him when you know he has made an effort to keep more contact...

 

But... if something still doesn't feel right about that, I think you guys will need to discuss it face to face whenever possible...

[Batya33]

I think you wanted him to say he felt the same way and that he was sorry you had been put off by his lack of contact. I think you didn't like that he treated what you said a bit casually. And I think you feel weird that you even had to bring it up in the first place.

 

I am not saying whether these are "reasonable" feelings - just observing that that is why I think you are feeling unsatisfied.

 

Over the next month, watch the feet not the lips. See if he follows through on his promise to be in contact more and if so, how much.

[lenni]

I think you wanted him to say he felt the same way and that he was sorry you had been put off by his lack of contact. I think you didn't like that he treated what you said a bit casually. And I think you feel weird that you even had to bring it up in the first place.

 

I am not saying whether these are "reasonable" feelings - just observing that that is why I think you are feeling unsatisfied.

 

Over the next month, watch the feet not the lips. See if he follows through on his promise to be in contact more and if so, how much.

 

Thanks, Batya. That is insightful and I think you are right. I do feel weird that I had to bring it up and that it seemed like something he hadn't even thought about and wasn't experiencing that at all himself. I think it makes me a bit sad that he was just fine with the way things were and didn't indicate that he was missing me or thinking of me often. I mentioned to him that I think of him a lot and that when we go for days without contact I feel disconnected and I don't know what is going on or if he's thinking of me at all. He didn't reassure me by saying that he does actually think of me. So yeah, I felt like it was one-sided. He might start making more contact but I wish we both wanted that and it wasn't just for my benefit.

 

Anyway, you're right - I'll need to see what happens over the next few weeks before he visits - if things get better. He's already emailed me once since the phone call talking a little about his day. I hope he is happy to do it for me and not feeling like it is a chore.

[lenni]

Thank you Saygo. I have kept trying to remind myself that people need different things when it comes to contact and not take it personally or translate it to mean that he doesn't love me. Just felt like it was getting a little extreme when we'd go for 4 days without my hearing from him, where we used to talk or see each other almost daily when he lived here.

 

There is a lot to work through/figure out I guess. We were broken up for 10 months and rarely talked. Now being back together again is a big change in addition to now being long distance which we haven't done before. We'll really need to learn to communicate better if it is going to work.

 

And yes, I'll get to see what he does over the next few weeks before he visits, and if there are still issues we can talk then in person.

[Batya33]

Look, I am all for compromise but at bottom it doesn't matter much what "people" are comfortable with. What if you made a new friend who was most comfortable being able to leave all plans to the last minute. Would you make plans with her one on one and forego making other plans, every weekend because "people are different?" Would you marry someone who never needed to say "I love you" or "I miss you" or compliment you because "eh, those are just words, you should know how I feel." If it doesn't work for you, that's valid. Obviously you can compromise some but not past the point where you compromise your emotional comfort too much because then it will feel forced.

[JadedStar]

If it doesn't work for you, that's valid. Obviously you can compromise some but not past the point where you compromise your emotional comfort too much because then it will feel forced.

 

And i think tihs is a good measure of compatiblity. Yes, compromise is very key, but when you begin to compromise to the point it compromises your emotional comfort to a large degree it is probably a sign of incompatiblity.

[lenni]

And i think tihs is a good measure of compatiblity. Yes, compromise is very key, but when you begin to compromise to the point it compromises your emotional comfort to a large degree it is probably a sign of incompatiblity.

 

Yep. And talking once every 4 or 5 days with no contact whatsoever in between isn't going to work for me. I either had to end it without trying to work it out or talk to him about it and see if things would improve. I chose the later so now I'll have to give it a little time to see what comes of that.

[56mercgal]

Hi, your'e relationship sounds ALOT like my LDR! I met a wonderful guy in Vegas when he was performing and backstage we met, hit it off like a rocket and have been in "contact" for the last 8 months. We exchanged business cards that night. I was on vacation with my friend Tim when we went to this show. Both he and Mike hit it off and we three hung out for a couple of hours at the casino and just talked like old friends, was really cool! Mike e-mailed me twice during that week and when I came back home I was surprised to see he e-mailed me! He gave me his number and we started talking three times a week and e-mailing twice a week. We talked about alot of "heavy" stuff within our first two talks. We talked for four hours on our first call! I think I jumped the gun with some of my questions. I asked about finances, what kind of house he would like, alot of personal stuff. I'm planning on moving to Oregon soon so would show him houses I thought were really neat and one time he said "That would be a nice place for us to live in, wouldn't it?" Boy, that blew me away! He would tell me he really missed me and would try to fly out here to CA from Cincinnati where he lives. Finally, in December around New Years he bought a ticket but then his boss told everyone at work nobody was getting a vacation. So his boss bought back the $400 ticket Mike bought and I've been sending flights to Mike for June. He still hasn't said he was definetly going to be out here. It seems he isn't that enthusiastic as he was before. Then last Thursday he said he loves me! However, our talks have slowed to once a week since January. He had some family (elderly aunt with health problems) and a cousin who passed away during Jan and Feb and he got sidetracked and apoligized and suggested if I didn't want to continue with the relationship he would understand. But he hoped we could continue. It really hurts to not talk to him at least a few times a week, especially since we are so far away. Lack of physical contact really hurts. I've told him how important communication is especially in the situation we are in. We have (or at least I do) a very strong connection to him I send little gifts to him every month that he can use but he hasn't sent me anything since Christmas and I've told him that is also important to do. He has a bad habit of procrastinating on alot of things unless it's helping friends who live nearby or his music projects. He admits he procrastinates and has trouble staying focused on certain things. He says he feels terrible for the pain he causes and really wants to be friends and continue our plans. But to me, actions speak louder than words. He also gets a guilty conscious easily and then is afraid to talk for a while, then he comes around. There's so much we have in common and I can talk to him about ANYTHING. He's one of the warmest people you will ever meet. He used to be a sociaL worker with elderly people for 25 years, now tunes guitars! He needs to work on communication better and sticking to promises he makes, he has a tendency to forget then feels guilty aobut it later. I'm trying to help him on that. It really hurts not knowing why he won't just come out here to see me! And just call a few times a week for a couple of minutes. I hope things work out for you! Sorry this was sooo long! But I'm a detail person!

[lenni]

well, thanks for all your responses and i just thought i'd give you my update.

 

i'm really glad i talked to him because things have much improved since i did. we've had much more frequent contact. he sends me little emails to tell me things about his day and i do the same and we are talking more on the phone too - even when it is just for short conversations due to time constraints.

 

i was worried that it would feel to me/him like this was a task he had to do because i asked or something, but it hasn't felt like that at all. it has been really nice being in more regular contact and i get the sense from him that he feels the same way. it feels like he likes sharing these things with me.

 

56mercgal - thanks for your response. how have things been going for you? sounds like a tough situation. i think you're doing the right thing by telling him what you need. you are right - actions speak louder than words. the way i told my bf was to explain that i really feel connected to him when.... and then give some examples of things he/we do that leave me feeling connected. i also said that i felt a bit disconnected when we go for days without contact. i acknowledged that we are both busy and so it isn't feasible to have long talks each day, but even just little emails or short calls are things that feel good to me in the interim. good luck to you and i hope you can work it out with your bf to have contact that feels good for you both! long distance can certainly be a challenge!

[Batya33]

Glad things have been going better!

[lenni]

Thanks, Batya. Me too!