Just TALK to me

[nadine_3110]

My bf and I have been going out for almost 2 years now and lately I've been getting frustrated with him because he doesn't really talk to me. When he talks about this day or problems with his boss, I listen, ask questions and try really hard to understand how he feels and whatever. But when I talk about something going on in my life at school or with my roommate, he responds with "ya", "ok" or "mmhhmm". What is that? How am I supposed to talk to him if that's all he responds with?

 

On top of that, he's often tired from work and he usually calls later. Tonight, he called late again and I told him that he should try calling earlier so we can actually have a conversation. I'm kinda the vengeful type (which is not good I know, I'm working on it), so when he's not responding, I get really bitter and kinda ignore him. I feel it's only fair since he's pretty much doing the same thing. Butu again, I'm working on that.

 

So really, I just want him to freaking TALK to me, just listen, respond, converse you know. How hard it that? He just frustrates me sometimes.

 

So let me know what you think. Thanks.

[kuiks8]

i had a similar problem with my soon to be ex husband...I found he lacked depth and communication skills...It felt like talking to a wall...it was one of the reasons we are splitting...this kind of behavior doesn't change you need to decide if you can live with it or not...

[Cognitive_Canine]

Have you told him that it bothers you when he only responds with "ya", "okay, and "mmhmm".

 

I hate when my bf says "nothing" after I ask him what he did today. Such a convo kill.

I told him about it, not a problem anymore.

[nadine_3110]

Well I have told him that he only responds with those words, but I guess I kinda did it jokingly so he didn't take it seriously. I think a few times I told him more seriously, but I'm not sure. If he responds the same way tomorrow, I'll tell him. Cus I feel boring when he does this.

[jomb28]

Maybe I have the same problem with your and maybe this is also one reason why my gf broke up with me. Whenever she talks something about her plans, i just did the same thing. The problem is I just listen to her whenever she talks some things, it's seems like i always agree whatever she says. You should tell your boyfriend that this is not good when it comes to communication within the relationship. If my gf only told me about that kind of attitude, I should've a chance to change that attitude.

[Enigmatika]

But when I talk about something going on in my life at school or with my roommate, he responds with "ya", "ok" or "mmhhmm". What is that? How am I supposed to talk to him if that's all he responds with?

Easy:

Mirror him.

 

He calls, late or not...don't say anything about the time.

 

you: Hello

Him: Hi

You: ........

Him

You: mhmm..

Him: Aren't you going to say anything?

You: ya...

Him: Well..??

You: What did you say?

Him: What's up?

You: Same..U?

Him: Same..

You: oh...

Him: Well uh ...ok...bye, love you.

You: g'night.

 

See if he calls back...? or Not....and there in may lie an answer...

[Excalibur]

Here's a question...did you ever really talk? And...is he a "shallow" person - in that he's not interested much in anything in the world except what is important to him at the time, or affecting hiim at the time.

 

It's easy to overlook that someone is self-centered early in a relationship - when you're just so delighted at being found attractive you think everything they say is intellectually stimulating, and everything they do is wonderful.

[SpeedingCars]

I have the EXACT same problem as you!

 

I swear, last night, my guy talked 36 minutes about himself and his job and I asked questions and was genuinely interested, but when I interjected and tried talking, he seemed to be in his own little world and he'd revert back to talking about himself...

 

He IS a selfish person. I realized that... and sometimes it hurts to think he doesn't have room to love anyone else besides himself. I'm in the same boat as you and I wish I knew what the magical answer was...

 

Sometimes I stay quiet and don't talk. It works sometimes... he'll take notice that I'm not myself, and he'll ask me what's going on in my life, but I wish I didn't HAVE to say that for him to notice!

 

Also, maybe if you don't respond to him talking about himself or his day, but branch off into your own story, he'll wake up and listen? Hopefully!

 

And about him calling late, that REALLY sucks. It's worse when they say "I'll call you back in a few" and that means a few HOURS... and when you DO talk, they are tired/stressed, so you end up not saying anything meaningful.

 

It is frustrating, I know.

Try to communicate with him... that's your underlying issue and may be your downfall. Speak up now, because if you keep it to yourself, you will start to resent him and bottling up your emotions is just spelling disaster!

[thejigsup]

Many men are like this. My bf is famous for going on forever about his job and clients and whenever I start to talk about my students or my school, he will roll his eyes and say something like, "Can we please change the subject?" Finally I got tired of the one-sided conversations, so one night he was doing his usual monlogue and I rolled myn eyes and asked him, "Can we please change the subject, now?" He has never done that to me since. It made him feel unimportant and unloved. Point made. He really isn't a bad man, he's just a man and we women need to teach them a bit about communication. Not all men, by any means, but most.

[allypally]

Sounds familiar to me too! My bf goes on and on about his work and all of the things important to him, and thinks that I am there to listen to him ALL the time.

 

Now, i am happy to listen to him, but all the time? no.

 

He has also been self-centred and selfish, but he seems to be stepping up to the plate more these days.

[cavaliere]

I can identify with this! My ex gf was terrible at communicating in general. She wouldn't tell me anything about her day unless I asked questions, but once I did, that's all we'd talk about. Her classes, her parents, her friends, all her. She'd ask me how my day was, but never anything else. Never wanted to know how my family was doing, what was going on my in my life, etc. She was content to receive gifts and go out on dates, but never cared about what I did to earn the money that paid for them. She said she never wanted to see me serious at work, that being with me was like a fantasy and she didn't want to ruin it.

 

When I confronted her, she said, "But I always ask you how your day was!" I could tell you what she did Mon-Fri, but she couldn't even remember that I had a tattoo, which she had seen dozens of times. This was after 6 months.

 

I tried to make her understand, but she was selfish and eventually admitted that she just wasn't into me that much. It might sound soft, but we men need to feel wanted too.

[allypally]

Sounds like you're better off without this person. She clearly enjoyed the benefits of your paying attention to her, but didn't have any deep feelings for you or she would have acted on it.

 

If you couldn't talk to eachother then thats another problem. You have to be able to tell the other person what you want and in turn listen to them and try to understand, its so important. You could have a relationship where neither person says anything about what bothers them or they don't know how to ask for something they need from the other person.

 

At the end of the day its all down to communication.

 

We all mess up as I've learnt, and I hope in my case, our relationship will get stronger over time.

[cavaliere]

Oh, I'm definitely better off, I don't doubt it. Had it continued, the relationship would have just got more and more doomed. We had superficial things in common, but not core values. The best thing I ever heard was that I should consider myself lucky to be free because a lot of men end up married to women like that, and we all know those situations are rarely worth the paper the marriage certificate is printed on.

 

That said, it didn't have to end so acrimoniously between us. I like to think I'm a mature, reasonable guy, someone who always has his cards on the table. She said she wanted someone like that because she hated guessing games, but in the end, it was me doing the guessing. Why did she have to drag it out for so long if she was losing interest in me? I could sense the problems, why couldn't she just tell me instead of avoiding it and leading me on? I gave her the chance to walk away guilt-free, she didn't take it. I asked if she was going to come up to me in a month and try to ruin me, she said of course not...but that's exactly what she ended up doing.

 

And so, after the constant lying and emotional distancing, I finally lost my temper with her and called her a c*** when we finally did break up. It's the only time I ever got outright angry with her, and it's the only time I ever insulted her. One word, one time, that's it. I'm not saying it was the gentlemanly thing to do, but I do feel I was entitled to my anger after being misled to such a degree. After I said that, she laid the biggest guilt trip on me and made the whole breakup out to be my fault, that I wanted it, that she was now terrified of me, and so forth. She was the one who wanted it, but manipulated the situation to such a degree that I came out the villain.

 

I don't want her back, but I can't help but feeling a little guilty about how it ended just because it had to be so negative. I'd have preferred to send her off with a good luck and a hug, but I couldn't, I just COULDN'T let her behaviour slide. Everyone says I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do a little bit. And it also stings that she never said I was important to her in any way, she was fine without me as a friend either. After all I gave, I expected at least a, "You've been good to me," or something of that nature. It was pretty much, "You served your purpose, but I don't need you anymore." I like to think I'm worth more than that!

[allypally]

You were unfortunate to have got involved with someone who was completely wrong for you.

 

We go into relationships in good faith, and in time people show their true colours. We also learn how meaningful our relationship with that person really is.

[justkeepon]

First and foremost, don't get bitter. When you ignore him that doesn't really help. What you must do is directly ask him why he doesn't have a thorough response when you talk to him. Meet up with each other and talk about how you would like to communicate with each other.