Day by Day Let us all know!

[BrendaWalsh]

Hi, new to this forum. Boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and I broke up a few days ago. It was mutually agreed to, but he initiated it. I find the mornings are the hardest. As the day progresses, I start to feel better and think about him less and can distract myself with other thing. The tears don't come as easily. But, in the mornings once I wake up, it's like the minute it all comes flooding back into my mind, I break down. It takes a few hours for it to pass.

 

His sister contacted me to tell me she heard the news and she is sad. She said she and his other sister want to stay in touch and don't want things to be weird for us. That's great and I really appreciated hearing that from her. However, it made me tear up because it's just a reminder of how much we shared over the years and how intertwined our lives became. And now, I'm not in his life anymore and vice versa, yet there are these family members and mutual friends that still may be. It's tough.

 

I think I'm still in the denial phase. Or not so much denial, just not acceptance. I was talking about him to someone, unrelated to our breakup and I was going to call him "my boyfriend" and I realized, he's not my boyfriend anymore, but I couldn't bring myself to call him my "ex-boyfriend", so I got really choked up and then just referred to him by his name.

 

I was in a meeting and fantasized about him walking into the room all tall and handsome and me catching my breath in shock. Which is an odd scenario because he's never even been to my job. But, I miss him and wish I could see him and talk to him and be with him. But, I am the one that said that I need to not see him or talk to him if I am to heal and move on. This sucks. I still can't believe we broke up.

[Keyman]

Hi BrendaWalsh and welcome,

 

Stick with us and we'll help you through this. It's gonna be a rough time, but you'll pull through. Whenever you need to say something, shout or need help, just post here and we'll be there for you. Also, try sharing your experience with other new people, this'll help you too.

[BrendaWalsh]

Thank you, Keyman, I really appreciate that!

[Bob3000]

Today is three weeks since my break-up.

 

Had we stayed together it would have been our third anniversary.

 

I think I'm starting to heal: I still cry several times a day, and lash out at inanimate objects, but it's less intense - and my stomach no longer feels quite so "knotty".

 

I feel like I still need answers that I'm never going to get. How did we get from talking about marriage and kids to this in such a short period of time?

 

I think there are lots of things I could have done differently, and any one may have produced a different result. But I wasn't a bad boyfriend by any means. I would have given her anything she wanted, and I tried to do so. I supported her when she was having a rough time and would always drop everything and come running when she needed me. I guess this came over as my needyness. And I know I'd been depressed about issues with friends and family so was less fun to be with.

 

But when things started going wrong with my previous ex, I always made sure that we talked about it to see what we could do to get things back on track. Ultimately, that didn't work out, as my previous ex wasn't prepared to work on our issues, but at least I tried to patch things up repeatedly before I gave up.

 

So I find it hard to forgive my latest ex for not doing the same, and instead just letting the relationship die when things got tough. When I look at how much we loved each other earlier on in the relationship, I still can't believe she let all that go.

 

I think I'm starting the "in hate" process. She let me down. Badly. She broke my heart. Twice. I've been calling her a f****** b**** (in my head) today and I never said anything like that to her when we were together. I hope that this helps me to heal...

[xtiarax]

A week later from today that we broke up and i feel like i can remember everything that happened like it was today instead of last week, i still miss him and want him back, the crying has not been so bad this week but i think that i will cry alot later, he texted me on the 4th day since we broke up saying that he thinks we need some time away from each other atleast until my exams are out of the way and i am confused as to what this means as he said he wanted to be friends but i do not know what that text meant, if it meant that we might get back together once the exams are out the way or if it means for the friendship, i really miss him and want him back and i am trying everything to get him back, even though it is pointless and i am now writing him a letter another one as i sent one before.

[allypally]

Supposedly we broke up over a week ago but its as though nothing has happened. He rang me last night but I was watching a film on TV after having cleaned the old place for 2hrs.

 

Just don't know what the hell is going on. He seems to be making more effort now, but I have been dreading this coming weekend which is a bank holiday as he is going off with the lads and there will be all these flirty women around. He did gloat about it to me, so in relatiation I told him about the hen weekend I was going on the following weekend.

 

The best thing for me would be a clean break. I never expected to hear from him TBH for a month which was what we agreed. I don't know whether he is playing games, but if he is they are good ones. He is not capable of thinking that deviously, although he will try and get away with doing as little as possible.

 

What can I say? am just going with the flow now especially after the last traumatic break up.

[xtiarax]

I am just sitting here thinking of all the good times that we had and missing him so much

[xtiarax]

I just sent him a text a know i should not have but i wanted to and he has not said anything to it.

[allypally]

Feel very down today, not sure whats going on. It makes it worse that he's carrying on as though nothings happened. I really needed a month apart from him to get headspace. We are going to the cinema tomorrow but I don't feel like going, and then he is away with his mates for a long weekend where there will be loads of beach babes and a resident DJ all night. Just can't handle it. I wish I could say I trusted him, but he gloated about his up and coming weekend on Sunday. He is a lad, likes to get hammered, expresses outloud that a particular woman walking down the street is attractive etc.

 

This kind of guy is not my thing. Not only that, but conversely he has been in floods of tears and an emotional wreck when I finished it with him. Is he seeing me until something else comes along or because he genuinely wants to make it work?? I should be asking him this, but we have had enough emotional traumas lately.

 

Just don't know what to do anymore. NC seems like a very attractive prospect for me, but it would be bad news not to go to the cinema with him.

 

Any ideas?

[hamsalad]

I know it's easy for an outsider to have their opinions, but I would pull the plug. Do it sooner rather than later so you can heal faster. No more what-ifs. It sounds like he is lacking respect for you on many levels. Won't it be a great day when you feel like you don't have to write on this forum about the situation anymore? I look forward to that day very much. For all of us.

[hamsalad]

11 days now. This morning sucks. Last night did, too. It seems to be a common feeling among dumpees. Found myself coming accross things in the apartment she had brought over or had bought for me. I threw some of them out while cursing her. I wonder if it's bitterness or just anger? Maybe a bit of both. Nevertheless, it put me in a bad mood. I just know she just carried on like nothing had happened, free of the burden that is me. I must have been a burden. I suspect she's with another now, too, but I'm not positive. Speaking of positive, I wish I was.

 

I also had a dream about her last night. Not a good thing to wake from.

[allypally]

What are the triggers that cause the guy to lose respect for his gf?? Was it because I have tried to end it twice before?

 

This has been suggested to me when a previous relationship didn't work out. Why the hell wouldn't he respect me?? I work extremely hard, I have a life and lots of interests, friends to spend time with. Is it down to the way I have handled this break up??

 

For example: he rang me on Fri night as though nothing had happened. He asked me if he could help me out with the house move and I said could he arrive on Sunday tea time. He then turns up at 9am on the saturday. He continually ignores what i say and does what he wants. One part of me was glad to see him, the other part was annoyed as he had ignored what i asked for. On Sunday we spent the night together and nothing happened - its like he doesn't desire me anymore (guess I can't be surprised), but I had a nightmare about him, that he was suffocating me and telling me that he was interested in other people.

 

Can someone explain this lack of respect thing to me.

[brian123]

I just sent him a text a know i should not have but i wanted to and he has not said anything to it.

 

 

If you want to eliminate ANY chance you have of getting your ex back, you are doing a great job, and keep up the good work. Putting him on a pedistle (sp), and agonizing him and not giving him space are the best things you can do to drive him away.

 

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to be overly mean with that, but I think its the truth. No matter what, you have no reason to be worshiping like you are. I've been where you are, so I am not trying to be demeaning. All you will do is drive him away. You're only 18 and you are a good looking girl from your photo. Why are you agonizing over this guy?

 

I am not sure what led to the BU, but IF HE LOVED YOU, HE'D BE WITH YOU.

 

Go NC and move on. It will be easier.

[arcadefire]

I just realized tomorrow would have been 8 months. Would have.

 

Been around 1.5 months since break up and speaking with the ex. I reread that email I sent him around a week after breaking up... really put my heart back on my sleeve. I don't think it's possible for anyone not to cry after reading it. I just really hurt. I cried by rereading it.

 

I don't know why I'm torturing myself. I don't even know if I made a mistake. I feel like he's not contacting me because I told him to or because he doesn't love me. I feel like if he really loved me he would've tried to contact me by now.

 

Can anyone here read my story and give some insight? Just click my username for my thread if you're feeling generous! Greatly appreciated.

[Keyman]

8 days of NC and all is kinda good. It seems to me that she has moved on and is more the happier from the break up, but the once or twice we have spoken (before NC) she has shown a rare emotional side and said is dealing with the hole left by me and missing me. I know she hasn't meant anyone new, she's not in a hurry, but it would almost seem better if she did.

 

The worst thing is that I have had dreams about her for the last three days in a row. What's the universe trying to tell me? Is it because of the full moon perhaps?

 

All will be good.

[JimmerJammer]

Lately I have been getting little to no sleep and it's been because I have had a lot going through my mind even though I maintain a lot of energy lately despite the lack of sleep. I'll get maybe 6 hours of rest and still be fully energized when I wake up, even though I still can feel groggy. I've noticed that since I've been getting a handle on things more that I'm feeling more confident, more motivated, more energetic, more friendly, more sexy, more helpful, more determined. It's just great how I've been feeling lately and I tell you that the minute I made the choice to just be a man has been the best decision ever. I don't know why I was so afraid to do it before.

 

I am looking forward to growing more and really tackling myself over the upcoming months and the near future. Thinking differently and being able to work on controlling emotions just feels so free and productive. I feel like I'm taking charge of my life and am going to see to it that I get it in order and align myself with my mission. I am ready to face life and I'm not going to stop until I get to where I want to be. As fall comes around and how I may or may not go to school full time, I thought about working on various areas of myself and becoming more involved in sports, adult learning classes like cooking, dancing, improvisation and maybe something like toastmasters.

 

When you decide to take charge of your life, to take responsibility and not just hope you get what you want, but figure it out and figure out how to obtain it positively. It's just starting to feel more like things are falling in line with what I want for myself. I'm down to 203lbs and I'm starting to get some definition. My clothes are fitting better already and my health is almost on par if not better than it was just at the end of last summer. I even am helping my best friend get in shape. He's happy to have a friend like me who will help him achieve results. If he sticks with me through it, he'll be way more than pleased.

 

I am too excited to go for my sky dive now. I'm not too sure when that will be, but I will for sure report my experience and post pictures if I can!

 

It's just great becoming the man I see myself as and always wanted to be. It's weird how more opportunities are coming my way, more people are entering my life, positive emotions are staying around longer, my self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence are building up very nicely. I have two women in my life who are very interested in me and I have made a couple new friends who invited me out to a crazy long weekend party they're planning for August. Finally, it feels so great and I don't know why any one else wouldn't want this too.

 

cheers.

[allypally]

He seemed a bit detached last night. I texted him re: finding out our plans for tonight - I think he may have been doing something so was definitely distracted. Anyway, I was talking to my friends about it all last night. They asked me the following questions:

 

1) 10 yrs from now do you see yourself with him?

Me: not sure

2) Have you told him that you've seeing a therapist for a while now?

Me: No, not sure I could do that

3) Have you told him that you're concerned about 'other' women?

Me: no, I'm afraid to tell him my insecurities.

 

These are the things I asked them:

1) What if he decides to sleep with a couple of women when he goes away this weekend?

Them: you're still you, if he does there is nothing you can do about it.

2) I'm not sure that I trust him.

Them: why? what is it you don't trust?

3) What if I don't hear from him the whole weekend?

Them: you'll survive, just stay busy with your thing and concentrate on you.

4) Your bf's seem to do lovely little gestures for you like making your sandwhiches in the morning and leaving you notes, house warming presents, just thoughtfulness, you have fun, its down to me to make things fun and I'm tired!

Them: don't forget he is an only child and seems used to looking out for himself.

5) It seems what he does will never be enough.

6) He talks about money the whole time which puts a restriction on what we do or don't do. Everything revolves around how much things cost with him.

Them: Yes, that can kill spontaneity.

7) He never does things like bringing a bottle of wine and we sit there getting a bit drunk. He never cooks for us or offers to help.

Them: Maybe thats the traditional male role, and he wants to keep you in the female role?

 

This morning I woke up thinking, maybe my expectations are too high? maybe I need to say I'm sorry for messing things up between us (ie ending it 3 times), that if I just let things take their course maybe we would be in a more stable situation than we are now. Maybe I've been trying to mould the relationship into something it just isn't and will never be. Why can't I just be happy 'being' with him, like he said not so long ago. A couple of weekends ago I spent the weekend without him (my decision), I had had the wisdom tooth out, there had been so much going on, just needed time to myself. It was the sunday of that weekend I said for the 3rd time it wasn't working. There are attributes that I love about him which keeps me in the relationship...almost.... I feel half in half out.

 

I just wish it would work.....effortlessly!

[brian123]

Still feel weak. Need to focus on myself. I think I am scared to let go.

 

Sorry for this rant, but it feels good to get this out.

 

I guess my biggest problem is that I am scared. Scared to let go. Scared of the future. What could happen. When I sell back the engagement ring for whatever I can get for it, I am moving on. When I finally get serious with another girl, I am moving on. I am scared of this. As I will state below, thinking with my head, I doubt reconciliation. However, I am scared to get involved with another girl and have her come back like she told me she would at the time of BU. Her exact words were "When I get better, I will come back and find you and make you break up with whoever you are with so we can get back together." I am fearful I will start to date again, only to break some nice girls heart because I am not strong enough away from my ex.

 

I saw red flags are various stages of this relationship/other relationships and I was too scared to get out. In this last relationship, we had a couple of fights where I felt I was in the right where she BU up with me for like a day and I always came right back. I was scared of loosing her. I was scared of the unknown.

 

Whats made this healing process take so long for me is me being scared. Even though she seemed to leave the door open for us in the future, there really never was a door. It was always shut. I was about her 4th or 5th serious BF. 2nd Fiance. 3rd or 4th guy shes lived with. She never speaks to them anymore either. Why/how am I any different?

 

Yes, I can and will do better than her, but I am scared. Staying with her and holding out hope for a reconciliation is "safe." Being alone, and getting out there for myself and making tough life decisions is hard/scary for me. I am scared to move on. Moving on means closing that chapter in my life. It is sad and scary for me to close these chapters. Clinging on onto these memories helps me cling onto the past and not close that chapter in my life. As long as I cling to memories, and even small and worthless pieces of hope, I am not moving on from the past. I am clinging to hope.

 

Even though her change was apparent 3 weeks after we BU, and her adamant NC and clubbing, and being very happy are all huge signs that she has moved on from me long ago, and she knows she is better off without me, I like many others cling to small vestiges of hope. Whether it be the emails she sent me after we BU, her telling me we'd be together once she got better. Or even small things I cling to when I hear shes told mutual friends that we "are no long a couple" or "we are doing our own things now" and I take small pieces of hope from those things because she never tells people we broke up. I even cling to small bits of meaningless terminology like this. Its been 2.5 months since BU, and 1.5 months of NC. She has cut out all mutual friends and ANY form of contact (IM, myspace etc...) It is clear she has no hope of getting back with me ever.

 

It is even apparent we no longer have any chance at reconciliation because only weeks after our BU, she told mutual friends that we wouldn't have worked anyways for various reasons. She switched "sides" and again has her mom back as her pupetter even though her therapist recommended the exact opposite. Even if I had the chance, this is not the person Id want to be with.

 

So even with all these negative signs, why do I hold out hope? Even small glimmers of it. I still dream of some magical reconcilation where we get back together and live happily ever after. Why do I do this? It is out of fear. What if I never meet someone as pretty/fun as her. What if what if what if.

 

I feel compelled to go out and meet people fri + sat nights because I feel compelled to meet someone new. I am scared of being alone my whole life. I don't want to end up 60 years old and be single and have no kids. So out of fear, I let it dictate my life.

 

I need to overcome this fear of the unknown, fear of the future, and fear of myself.

[allypally]

Hamsalad and friends and family have all suggested pulling the plug on it. He has booked cinema tickets for tonight. Said I would meet him there.

 

How do I pull the plug on this before he is due to go away on his lads weekend??

 

Just can't go on like this, crucifying myself for the things I think I should/shouldn't have done. I made a big effort on my side of the relationship. I felt his effort was half-hearted to say the least. It is only now where the relationship is hanging on by a thread (and less than that) that he is making more of an effort.

 

Whats the point?? it is doomed.

[allypally]

His story seemed to change a lot during the course of the relationship - one minute he was saying he was staying working at the place we met (I left a couple of months after we met), because of me, the next he said because of 'certain people' and when I sought clarification he didn't give it, the next he said because of his mother who also lives in the south of the country, the next he said because his friends asked him when he was going to be moving down south. He has a house up north which he said he would let as a holiday home, nothing has happened on that front. I went to stay with him up there 4 times, and to be honest it was a dull experience. No romance, just boring. After a long and tiring journey to get there and no effort on his part, I think he just wanted me there for company.

 

Then he said he wanted to emmigrate with me 3 months into the relationship, and yet his mother is on her own (his father died 2 yrs ago) and I always questioned myself about this at the time. Why would he emmigrate and leave her with nobody in this country? Seems a v selfish thing to do. When I stayed at his mother's place for the first time she was the sweetest lady, went to a lot of effort and yet he was short tempered with her, seemed to resent doing anything to help her - like the whole thing was a big effort for him. Much the same as he is with me.

 

None of it really added up, changing stories and intentions every 5 mins. He was confusing me, playing games, whatever.

[brim012]

Day 4

 

Feel much better than at first. Just sucks having to work with her. Not so much sad anymore but more of I keep holding on to some hope that it is temporary.

 

I try to avoid contact as much as possible but she keeps trying to start small talk.

[hamsalad]

Hi ally,

 

It seems he's treating you like a piece of furniture. To use and move about the room as he sees fit. Or, to be ignored if he starts thinking of sitting in another chair in another room. Metaphors aside, your posts sound like you are in pain from being so unsure of what his real intentions are. Don't let him use you or just have you around for convenience. Someone should have you around because they want you there and appreciate your presense. Just my two schillings worth of an opinion

[hamsalad]

This morning I was ok. Of course, the first thing I thought of climbing in to bed last night was her...and the first thing upon opening my eyes was her. Ugh...get out of my thoughts. I can say that the memories of her are fading, becoming muted. Every so often I think of some fabulous adventure we went on or some hilarious conversation we had where we were crying from laughing so hard. All gone now. I have anger, sadness, despair, moodiness in general. It'll pass, I'm sure. Let's hope soon.

[allypally]

Thanks for the two shillings Hamsalad!

 

Its a bad time for all of us on ENA in this BU section. Really sorry to hear you're waking up feeling terrible aswell - every morning its the same, I wonder how I get into work at all these days and am looking forward to being able to spend the odd day working from home.

 

The fact is, it has been difficult to decipher exactly what he has been playing at. I have always listened carefully to what he says from the start to the finish. Some people tell you what you want to hear and string you along until something else comes along.

 

My vulnerability in any new relationship is that I am going to be emmigrating to N.America in 1.5-2yrs; and some guys see that (this one no exception) as the opportunity to take what they can get and when they have had enough, move on with the destruction trailing behind them.

 

I have picked up that this guy has been stringing me along, telling me what I want to hear etc. I have been dating him on high alert because of this.

 

I should have got out of this 3 months ago and not left it so long, but its difficult to know exactly what someone's intentions are until more time has ellapsed. Its been 7 months now so not too much time lost.

[allypally]

Well, my dream is coming true because I have made it so!

 

I have booked the first week of my trip to the middle east - will be going in the autumn, riding through Wadi Rum on Arab horses, watching the sun set on pink sand - sleeping out under the stars. Then the next week will be in Syria, and I hope to get a similar trip sleeping out in the desert - nothing more beautiful or peaceful.