Is privacy a good thing in a relationship?

[Rope]

Is privacy a good thing in a relationship?

I am in a relationship with a gal that I love, and I believe she loves me to though I think that she requires more adult interaction then I do. She says I am insecure and too needy of her time. In the past I have questioned the relationships that she has with people that we ride with and some of the comments that they make. I have a need to know what she thinks, what she wants and in the past have looked at email and Personal messages that she has left open. I have no reason to think that she is cheating, but do feel that she talks down about me to them. I would never talk that way about her. After she said she had nothing to hide and that I could read them if I wanted to se got upset when I called her out on one that she sent. She got very upset and locked down her computer and began to delete phone call records. Was I out of line in looking and wanting to know what she is thinking? Is it normal for one to want to keep some things private for the other? Am I looking for issues that are not real?

[lady00]

Two separate issues here:

 

1) She shouldn't be talking badly about you to her friends. If she has a problem with you, she should come to you and hash it out.

 

2) The privacy issue: She made a mistake by letting you read her emails because in the end she really wasn't cool with it. I don't think couples should be reading each others emails and I do think there are boundaries and every human being deserves to have some sphere of their life that is private, even from their SO, if that is what they choose. Your gf chose to allow you to see her emails even though she wasn't really comfortable with it. Now she's acting suspiciously....whether it's because she feels like she shouldn't have given in on her privacy or whether something shady is going on...tough to say.

[CandyKins]

We do need out privacy in a relationship.

 

You really need to communicate with her. If you feel that there's something wrong then you must tell her. Tell her your feelings, eg: I feel you speak poorly of me to your friends. If she speaks bad of you to her friends then that's not a good thing and could mean she doesn't have much respect for you.

 

Talk to her, until you feel satisfied and content.

[StretchGee]

I have a need to know what she thinks, what she wants and in the past have looked at email and Personal messages that she has left open. I have no reason to think that she is cheating, but do feel that she talks down about me to them. I would never talk that way about her. After she said she had nothing to hide and that I could read them if I wanted to se got upset when I called her out on one that she sent. She got very upset and locked down her computer and began to delete phone call records. Was I out of line in looking and wanting to know what she is thinking? Is it normal for one to want to keep some things private for the other? Am I looking for issues that are not real?

 

Yes, you are out of line for reading her personal thoughts. Just because you are in a relationship does not give you the right to snoop on her innermost thoughts. In a lot of 'normal' relationships a partner may have thoughts and feelings that may not sound pretty to their partner. It does not mean they do not love them, it simply means they are human and have independent thought.

 

It sounds like you have a self esteem issue and need to know what others think of you to define yourself. You need to get over this and find yourself - define yourself by what you think, not what others think. And that includes your partner.

 

If you really want to know what she is thinking, then ask and have a conversation. This allows her the courtesy to filter her thoughts as she sees fit. You have no right to anyone's unfiltered thoughts without their permission.

[Rope]

thanks for the quick and blunt responses. I really want to know the truth and want to make things right. Talking to her or getting her to talk about it is another issue that I will seek advise on. Perhaps I do have self esteem issues here. Not that I think I am worthless but I do get into a spot that is difficult. She has a masters from Duke I am a HS grad. We travel the country as she works for great pay, I pick up jobs along the way. I need to find the value that I bring to this relationship to feel good about it

Rope

[darkpumpkin]

Privacy is important! The thing with reading what your partner says to other people is it can lead to you taking things the wrong way. You should never snoop or look, even if they allow you to. It causes drama and stress that no relationship needs.

[Pegasus]

After she said she had nothing to hide and that I could read them if I wanted to se got upset when I called her out on one that she sent. She got very upset and locked down her computer and began to delete phone call records.

 

This is one of typical women tests that you failed miserably. How didn't you understand that she was just testing you? What you should have done is to tell her that you trust her and there is no need for you to check her computer and/or phone.

 

You just showed her that you don't trust her. Now a question for you - is a relationship without trust possible?

[JimmerJammer]

StretchGee and darkpumpkin,

I think your posts have addressed a lot of important points that I can learn from as well. I did something really stupid yesterday with my gf as I snooped through her phone to see if it was too late for me to turn myself around. All I can say about this is that it was wrong of me, it doesn't matter if I let her do the same and her personal thoughts are just that her personal thoughts. It's also why what I found in her phone didn't really bug me and it's because I realize this. Sure in the past what was said I'd bring up with her and question and this and that, but I'm just done with it. I'm done with caring as for me I'm secure enough that this sort of thing doesn't bug me anymore. I just don't care as there isn't anything to worry about so why make a mountain out of a molehill.

 

That's why I feel that both of you are right when you say it's important not to snoop around in their personal things or try to check up on them because of you not trusting them or trying to figure out if you can trust them. No matter what is said or exchanged. I think if anything you come accross especially insecure and paranoid. At least that's how I feel about it and why I refuse to ever do it again.

 

So to you Rope,

I will say this to you. From the perspective that she has a right to her own thoughts and opinions even if they're ones like she flirts with another guy, talks badly about you or even suggests you won't be in her life for much longer. Don't care about that stuff because those are her thoughts, her choices and her feelings. Why try to get upset over HER lack of forthcomings. Bringing it up is only going to make you out to be the bad guy and if she wants to do this that is her choice. Also from her perspective maybe she needs to vent and get a different view and loves you enough, but now because you discover something questionable it feels to her like she can't express herself at all and makes it that much more difficult to work things out. To top off being smothered and invaded she now has to deal with not being trusted and so of course she's going to delete everything. She probably doesn't want you taking something and using it against her or resenting her for it or even just misunderstanding what's said.

 

As was said before, for the sanctity of the relationship and for the integrity of yourself and the relationship. Do yourself a favour and let this girl have her freedom to have her e-mails go unchecked and to be able to use her cell phone without worry of having to cover her tracks in case her bf thinks she's going to cheat on him. Whether or not she will, but that she doesn't want to start an argument because of insinuations.

 

Cheers

[StretchGee]

I did something really stupid yesterday with my gf as I snooped through her phone to see if it was too late for me to turn myself around.

...

 

That's why I feel that both of you are right when you say it's important not to snoop around in their personal things or try to check up on them because of you not trusting them or trying to figure out if you can trust them. No matter what is said or exchanged. I think if anything you come accross especially insecure and paranoid. At least that's how I feel about it and why I refuse to ever do it again.

 

JJ: You are poking through her phone one day, and "refusing to do it again" the next. While trust issues and even self-esteem issues are a handful, denial is completely unmanageable. Don't refuse to 'ever do it again' - examine your innermost thoughts when you feel a strong urge to not trust, to pick up a cell phone or e-mail account and peek.

 

If you deny or do not recognize the feelings behind your compulsion to snoop, that compulsion will win out and control you. Learn to recognize your doubt and insecurity, learn to accept it in yourself and then work to change. Otherwise it will follow you the rest of your days.

[thejigsup]

Everyone needs their privacy. No matter what you found, even if it was damaging, it doesn't give you the right to snoop. If she has trouble opening up to you, leave the relationship. If you want to stay, realize that this is the way she is and you will have to live with it. And, yes, she was testing you and you failed miserably. I test my bf from time to time and when he fails, I am hard to find for awhile.

[JimmerJammer]

StretchGee,

 

Yeah it pretty much had overcome me in a lot of ways. I have been feeling insecure and albeit rather worried about my current relationship. I wanted to know whether I'm wasting my time on something that consumed me. I know that neither of us are being appropriate when we peruse through each other's personal thoughts (ie. emails and text messages). I refuse to do it again because it isn't right, I know it wasn't right and I couldn't help myself when I believed that I couldn't trust her to break up with me if she was unhappy with me or at least try to communicate what it is I'm doing.

 

I know that this needs to be addressed and I'm now seeing someone professionally to help me better come to terms with these issues. I've worked on things before and I will get this particular problem worked out. I feel it's the one spot that is the most sour and also the one that is most destructive to me. Whether or not my love decides to stay with me while I sort this out is her choice, but either way I refuse to get away with not working on this. I will do what it takes to overcome this. If she stays with me then I can't begin to stress how fortunate I am to have such an amazing woman.

 

Cheers.

[JadedStar]

In this case she was very open in saying you could read the emails which is very commendable and proof she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I think she only locked the PC down when you went further and criticized her for what she said.

 

If she is talking poorly of you to others than i don't blame you for being upset about that. But as for the locking down of her accounts that isn't because she is hiding things it is because she got upset that you criticized her for what she wrote.

 

I think privacy to some degree is important. I don't think we should hack into our partners accounts but at the same time i don't think a partner should make his or computer look like fort knox. When someone deletes phonecall logs and internet history it does nothing but breed suspicion.