Feeling a little torn.

[cs90453]

Well it's been about a month and my wife is still sleeping in the other bedroom. We're getting the house ready to sell...at least this is what we've decided. In case nobody has read my other posts, my wife had an affair and I found out about it a year ago. We did councilling for 7 of these months and needless to say I was hurt over this and I don't feel as secure in this marriage as I did.

 

We were trying to have children since we were married, nothing wrong with us and we've tried with no successs. I always wanted children and we even registered for adoption just after we were married in case something like this happened. We done the Artificial insemination three times and my wife became really depressed and obsessed with having children, to the point where all joy in trying was gone, however I continued to stay on course because I knew that it meant so much to her. It's like every procedure out there is the miracle cure for having a baby.

 

The past couple of years she wanted to try the invitro thing and I didn't feel strongly for that one. I read up on it and the success rate isn't that high and it's alot of work not to mention the risks with carrying. I just worried about how my wife was going to take the disappointment if it didn't work, could even push her over the edge. Since the affair, I feel even less enthused about trying for children so when she asked me I said that I didn't know about it anymore. I felt this way since when we were doing the sessions, she's repeatedly said that if we had children she wouldn't of had an affair. So she's saying that if I don't want to do the invitro then she's out so

 

I'm left feeling that this is the only reason she wanted to work it out with me and I don't feel that this should be the reason to stay. My mother is telling me that I should do the invitro to save the marriage and because I've said in the past that I wouldn't see a problem with doing it if all other options has failed but this was before the affair and I wonder what kind of relationship am I bringing my child into? Do my wife really need a baby to be faithful in a realtionship? She's said that I haven't forgiven her for the affair and maybe I haven't totally but then again she thinks that it was me that pushed her into the arms of this guy who was our mutual friend so how can I forgive her for something that's my fault?

[d24]

Sorry if this is harsh....

 

A baby is like a plaster/band-aid. It'll hold things together till the next flood of tears when it'll wash everything away, except this time you're going to find it even harder to leave her as a child is involved.

 

she cheated. Strike one.

she's deriving no pleasure from your relationship now(?). Strike two.

she's given you an ultimatum - IV or goodbye. Strike three.

 

The third strike is deplorable, ultimatums are for spoilt brats or the desperate.

I wonder which she is?

 

If you're having doubts you should never take the relationship to the next level, that's what companies do when they're trying to fire someone who's above board. Promote them to manager before he's ready, prove he's missing targets, fire him.

[CatsMeeoow]

Having children is important to a lot of people and it does result in then end of marriages.

 

Sometimes even the best couples end up splitting due to stress in having children.

 

She needs to love you and feel good in the relationship before becoming pregnant. I mean she might end up pregnant and her feelings may not (most likely) will not change.

 

I know how hard it is. She probably sees friend after friend after friend pregnant and having kids... she's feeling very outcast but instead of reaching to you for support she went to someone else... and then told you if you had gotten her pregnant it would have never happened??? She's blaming you for a problem you both have?

 

What if the IV fails and she leaves you anyway?

 

I loved a man very much - we both have kids but I still wanted one with him. Of course he'd had the V so it wasn't going to be immediately possibly but you know what? I told him I would love to have his child but that if it didn't work out I still loved him anyway.

 

If she can't love you without a child she can't love you with one either.

 

Don't get me wrong I hope you can work through this if you still really love her and want her back but it sounds to me from your post that you really aren't sure you want to move forward with her.

 

Good Luck!

[BellaDonna]

Hi. I thought you already made a decision about this:

 

Do what feels right for you- not what your mother tells you.

 

she thinks that it was me that pushed her into the arms of this guy who was our mutual friend so how can I forgive her for something that's my fault

 

This tells me that your wife has yet to take responsibility for her own actions. No wonder you are having a hard time forgiving her.

 

I have recently experienced being a first-time parent. My son is now 8 months old. I will tell you that if your marriage is already on the rocks- a baby is not going to serve as a bandaid. It will only add more stress to your lives and give you new challanges to face. The huge change a child brings can test even the strongest marriages- if you have a good foundation it will eventually bring you closer together- however if the marriage is rocky - and there is a lot of resentment and unresolved issues, adding a baby to the mix will probably only bring you further apart.

 

she's repeatedly said that if we had children she wouldn't of had an affair. So she's saying that if I don't want to do the invitro then she's out so

 

I'm left feeling that this is the only reason she wanted to work it out with me and I don't feel that this should be the reason to stay

 

In my opinion there are already too many negative emotions associated with "having a baby" for the 2 of you to give any baby a healthy environment. There is too much pressure and too many ultimatums.

 

Your wife sees "having a baby" through rose-colored glasses and thinks it's the cure to all of your marital problems and a miracle cure for infidelity. That's a very unhealthy/unrealistic approach to motherhood and she is likely going to be in for a harsh dose of reality if and when she has a child. She will likely be at risk for post-partum depression due to her unrealistic expectations.

 

On the other hand you feel like she could be "using" you to get pregnant- and that's the only reason she wants to stay with you. If you feel like nothing more than a sperm donor- what is that going to mean about your feelings toward a baby? -Chances are you are likely going to feel alienated or resentful in the end.

 

Becoming a parent can be a wonderful thing, but with this foundation and marital discord- it does not seem like the best choice for your situation- at least not now. IMO, there are too many issues that need to be resolved before you even think about becoming parents. If you add a child to the mix now- things can go from bad to worse and you might be dealing with a messier divorce, which involves custody battles and child-support issues. At least now you can both go your separate ways with minimal damage to anyone else. Put a child in the middle and everything changes.

 

BellaDonna

[cs90453]

I have decided that this is it and we are getting ready to sell the house and move on but I have been talking to my mother and she is trying to convince me to try and stick it out. But as for going back on my decision, I have not. I'm just unsure sometimes because I don't want to be unreasonable and I know that my mother means well but sometimes she makes me feel that I'm the one being selfish so I was talking to her today and I told her that I can't talk to her about it anymore. The plan is set in motion to move on and I will see it thorough. Thanks for the advice.

[BellaDonna]

Your mom likely comes from a generation that "stuck things out".

She probably would also love to be a grandmother- so that is where she is speaking from. Take what she says with a grain of salt and do what is right for you. Don't even get into a debate with your mom- just do your own thing. I hate to say "ignore" your mom- but that is essentially what you have to do- at least when it comes to this issue.

[cs90453]

Thanks again for the input. I guess that I just want to recheck this since it's such an important thing to me and I need to know that I'm making decisions that are best in the long run. If I said that I wasn't a little fearful of the future I'd be lying. I guess it's also hard for me not to think of her in my decisions and that's something I'll have to learn to do. Call it a momment of weakness and I know that I'll have times like this. Just want to say thanks everyone for listening. Sorry if I'm boring anyone.