New boyfriend is a green-eyed monster!

[SmintyMinty]

Hi guys! I just started dating this guy and we are really enjoying each other. We've been seeing each other for bout 2 months and it's great...he seems almost perfect! He's caring, loving and sharing and considerate and we can talk all day. The only problem is that I've noticed that he is very jealous of any guys that even look at me. I'm attractive and get a lot of male attention whenever I go out and have never had problems getting dates with guys. Even on our first date some guys started checking me out and he completely tensed up and I thought he was goin to start something with them! He was insanely jealous of my ex and wouldn't commit to me until I'd reassured him that there was nothing between us and never would be again.

 

I'm not the kinda girl that would cheat on a guy in a relationship so he has no reason to be jealous of these other guys! What can I do to reassure him and check this jealous streak of his?!? I know that it could get to be a huuuuge problem later on as I can't be with a guy who gets this jealous as I have loads of guy friends and I worry that as we get more serious he will want me to see them less and it could be a serious source of conflict for us. How do I bring it up as it bothers me that he is this jealous at such an early stage in our relationship and it's totally irrational! I'm completely into him! We can talk about anything so communication isn't a problem it's just that I sense he tries to hide his jealousy from me (not very well I have to say!) and might get defensive if I mention it! Are there any other ways I can do it without confronting him about it directly??! I want to make this work as I think he is a really special guy and I don't want his insecure, jealous streak to spoil it for us! Help!!

[charmed]

Hi SmintyMinty,

 

Self-confidence Self-confidence Self-confidence Self-confidence Self-confidence !!!!!!

 

It is really simple. He has got low confidence, and that isn't helped by the fact that you are really good looking. You have only one option to keep the guy and the relationship.

 

You can be straight with him, but don't go overboard. Let him know that this is getting to you, and that he really doesn't have any reason to feel so jealous. Don't bring anything negative into it - just re-assure him. That is all you really can do, and then you must simply let this play out. If he comes to his senses, then all will be well, and if not, there is nothing only re-assurance that you can give him.

 

Once you have done that, try not to think about this. If it keeps popping up, then you will probably have to deal with it, but try to not let it get in the way from your side aswell unless completely necessary !

 

Good luck

 

Hope this helps you some,

[mahlina]

That's a real turnoff for me...If I were you, everytime you catch him feeling tense, just hug him, and reassure him. Ask him for a kiss or something, or pinch his cheeks and smile at him! Flirt with him. Tell him that he's cute, or change the subject, and talk about something else.

 

Do something that will make him feel that you don't care if the other guys are checking you out. Eventually, he might gain more confidence the more you do a little bit of reinforcement.

 

However, as a precaution [-X : Don't do it too much! Then, he'll get a little too hot-headed.

[Gilgamesh]

I agree with "charmed" post.

 

And only a bit with "mahlinas"

 

Its OK to show him your "his" but this shouldn't be in response to him acting jealous, because this will only be feeding this childish insecurity.

 

You need to tell him outright just like you told us here, that you love him and will never cheat on him, but you will not tolerate jealous behavior and that every time he does that he is saying he don't trust you. That you have many male friends and that you are not going to give them up.

 

tell him you have chosen him! you could have any guy, but it was him you chose!!! and love!!! and if he is blind to that, then there is a problem.

 

 

you tell him the above, he will have to deal with this, because like you said, its not something you can live with and it will get worse.

[Eket]

This can truly be deadly for a relation, and he has to realise how "deadly" it can be. You having a lot of guy friends can be troubling for a boyfriend. I had that problem myself for a short while, but in my case when i proved to her i wasn't jealous of it anymore. She still accused me of being jealous when i was just asking if we could spend time together, and she was instead spending it with a friend. I would leave then to do something for myself, and their the accusations started again O_o

 

Well enuff about me. Fighting the green eyed monster is a challenge, but worth it once overcome. Talk to him about it at first, tell himm it's not a good thing for us and assure him there's nothing to worry about, one thing in particular that could help is hugging/kissing him in front of your friends if possible(long distance relation or not)

 

But mainly it's his fight, he has to overcome it, and there's only little you can do to help him, except to re-assure him....

 

 

In my case i overcame it in short time, realising there's nothing to worry about. Of course she left me for another guy in the end, anyways. So i was wrong in my judgment about her from the start anyways, but that's not the case here. He's just gotta realise that there's nothing to worry about.

[ameliamolly]

My x-boyfriend was very jealous too. It started to be obvious shortly after we started dating and it was unbearable. The bottom line is he was very insecure because of being cheated on by x-girlfirends in his past. It seemed that no matter how much reassurance I gave him he simply couldn't over come it.

 

I have a bunch of guy friends too and I even stopped spending time with them because it made him so jealous. You shouldn't have to do that. I thought that as time passed his jealousy would subside, but 2.5 years later it was exactly the same.

 

The guy that you are dating has his own insecurity issues and until he faces them and deals with them I have a feeling this will be a problem for your relationship. Is he willing to do the work to fix this part of his personality?

 

My advice would be for you to openly communicate with him how you feel about his jealousy and that it's going to be a problem if he can't get it under control. Some guys are just jealous, so you'll have to decide if it's something that you can deal with if the issue keeps coming up.

 

This is a tough one to deal with. I wish you lot's of luck!

[SmintyMinty]

Thanks to all of you! I love Enotalone - I always come here for advice and it's always sooo great!! I will take your advice - I love him a lot and I'm totally prepared to work on this with him! Thanks! You guys are so cool!

[heart]

I believe i have something to offer on this subject.. I think the most important thing you can do to try and understand your partner in most situations,, is to put yourself in they're shoes. Or to ask yourself.."how would i feel if I were him??"

Imagine if your boyfriend was constantly hanging out with girls all the time,,tons of girl- friends. Would that bother you?...i bet it would. I find that alot of these posts are written by girls that have "jealous" boyfriends because they hang out with other guys all the time.. not many written by guys.. Lets face it,, girls like attention,,its like crack to them. and lets be honest,, most or all of those guy-friends you hang out with,, are most likely attracted to you in some way, and probably flirt with you at times.. Trust me,, i'm a guy,, and i know guys!! YOur boyfriend knows that too!! He's not stupid..

I"m tired of girls writing al the time that their boyfriends have issues with jealousy and insecurity,, and that they have to just deal with it..

BUll@&$!!! You know what i think,, i think that girls are insecure,, which is why they're half -naked all the time,, and also why they need to have 20 guy friends to get attention from on the side,, even though they have boyfriends. This is not a personal stab at you in any way,, if this does not apply to you,, then disregard this message,, but if it does,, Ask yourself: Why do i have all these guy friends?? do i flirt with them?? do i enjoy the attention i get from them??

I think if the tables were turned you'd be just as bothered by it. I think alot of girls need constant attention from guys to reassure themselves that they are attractive. It may seem innocent to you,, but its definitely taken the wrong way from the guys you hang out with.. And ,, i don't care what anyone says,, those guys are hanging out with you because they like you in some romantic way....PERIOD!! Thats the way guys are. Be honest about your feeling to your boyfriend, and more importantly to yourself. Its not in any way, wrong to have friends of the oppositte sex when you have a significant other,, but know when to draw the line,, especially with guys,, becuase they get the wrong idea really easily. Be careful,, and thanks for reading this

[slc333]

Very well put heart. I agree totally with your statement and parts of some of the other statements. It sounds to me like the person that posted this is is pretty naive. If this guy is looking for a serious relationship then you need to have a talk. It sounds like you may not be ready for something really committed like he might be looking for. If this is the case, you should let him know now before it goes any further. It's just how it is. You will always have trouble trying to find an un-jealous boyfriend if you are constantly hanging out with other guys all the time. Especially if you also happen to be very flirty. That's just how it is. Maybe one day you'll find a guy that makes you forget about all the other guys you need so much extra attention from.

 

Take heart's advice. Try to look at it from his point of view instead of your own all the time. Are you a big flirt? Are you always hanging out with these other guys? Why do you need so much attention from these other guys? Are you not admitting that there may be some sort of spark with a few of them that you don't want to let go of? Everybody loves attention. But if you are in constant need of attention from lots of guys, good luck trying to find any guy to put up with that. Switch it around and I guarantee you'd feel at least a little bit of what he's feeling. If you truly need to have all these guy friends, then you truly need to find someone that will be 100% cool with it. Which in the end might mean dating one of these guys that's already in your big circle of guy friends.

[ylsjes]

RUN GIRLFRIEND!!

 

I'm 40 years old and have been dating the same guy you're dating! Not really, but they sound exactly the same!! We've been together for nearly a year and I can tell you, it only gets worse! You may want to look at his background (Dad not in his life, parents divorced early, abusive parent, etc.) In my case, his parents divorced when he was 6 and he's never seen or heard from his Father since. It destroyed his self-esteem. I've done a lot of reading on this and we've been to counseling too. I know how difficult it is to handle because you love his GOOD qualities! Like you, my life is very established, I work with 60+ men, have male friends, I'm a Human Resources Manager so I HAVE to deal with my male co-workers on a daily basis. Not to sound "big headed" but, I've always been told that I'm attractive. No matter how much I try to boost my boyfriends self-esteem, nothing works. He has got to do this himself! He needs to find the one thing that he's really good at, and dive right in.

 

The therapist said my boyfriend (age 39) will need weekly sessions for about 2 years to overcome his low self-esteem problem. It's sad because like your guy, mine can be extremely thoughtful, loving, affectionate, etc.

 

I'm not sure what to do myself because I'm in love with his good qualities. However, the bad ones are over-shadowing the good right now. Word of caution: If your guy is overly "CHARMING", EVERYONE likes him, thinks he's just the greatest guy ever..........RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! That's another type of guy with low self-esteem but they're dangerous (become physically abusive).

 

I got on this site today because I'm at my witts end! I can't even make an appointment to see a doctor without him accusing me of cheating on him.

 

Best of luck to you!