Setting Guidelines/Rules When Dating an Ex

[toddb]

Well I've gotten back together with my ex gf...but we have not had yet the "talk" about being bf and gf again, even though she's referred to "her and I together" or "me and you together" again and again...

 

Well the other day she busts out "why dont u get mad at me so we can make up?" Well I understand how girls like to make up( i mean who doesnt like make up sex!) and I also somewhat understand the concept of being " a dude" or "manly" by showing anger when its warranted. Now whats thrown me for a loop is where did this come from, and is this a way of a girl saying "set guidelines, set rules or else!" I will fight when I feel its warranted, and I feel that good arguments and "fights" are CRUCIAL to a relationship, as long as there is something behind it, and not just fighting to fight.

 

But the situation has arisen, and will in the future, where a guy, one in particular, has and is being "forced" upon my girl by one of her friends, but not her best friend. And my girl hasnt well...been very good towards me when it comes to that, but that was a few weeks ago, just right when we were "starting to talk." So I couldnt say much at all, but what I did say is "i'm not gonna lose u to this guy, and I trust that u will do the right thing." Well, on top of that, and what my girl has told me about "making up", I get word from her best friend that "your girl wants you to set rules, to set guidelines, either that, or she's gonna do whatever she wants."

 

SO....HOW DO I BRING IT UP? WHAT DO I SAY TO BRING ALL THIS UP! and how do I set "rules" when we havent had the talk? I've rationalized that by making "rules" but by not using that word, it will IMPLY that we are a "thing" (something she has already done) and thus will allow our relationship to progress at a good rate, and be solid in the future. And I would like to bring up that something that happened two weeks ago to use as an "example" but i'm afraid that that would doom that conversation by not leaving things in the past...in the past( i did get mildly mad then...but I wouldnt get mad at her now because of it cause its happened).

 

so that all comes back to, how/what do I say to make rules by not using the words such as "rules, guidelines, baselines, if u do this then this well happen." Everybody Knows I cant use those words, and also dudes in the know, know that they cant ever bring up "How is this relationship going" because it will look too needy, too much like we're pushing...and you ladies out there know how much it sucks to be pushed!. So....I'm in need of some help! And Quickly....

 

T

[ilinara]

Tell her what you expect from a relationship what you can accept and what not. Like, if we will come together again then... I would expect you to not cheat on me for example. What being together with someone looks like in your head.

What her friend told you about setting rules, I think she tried to tell you if you want her as girlfriend then make it clear to her that she is your girlfriend again and not an ex that you still see. Your relationship needs a name.

[Beec]

You've answered most of your own questions, either in your post or in your signature. "Go Big or go Home." In other words, you know she wants you to put her on the path you would expect her to be on. You appear to have some idea of what that path is, and it seems so does she. So, she's asking you to step up and lay down the law, both of you know what that law is probably going to be and you only need to say it. It seems your only question is how to say it without being too vulnerable. The answer is by meaning it. Telling her what you expect from her, telling her that if she can't live up to that standard, to let you know and then if she can't finding someone who can. If she can't or won't live up to your standards, do you want her? Probably not. Give you and yourself a break, have the conversation. If she won't or can't meet your standards, find someone who can and will. She is asking to wear the pants in the relationship, try them on for size.

[toddb]

I agree with both of your posts, and you're right, this relationship does need a name...but lets see...we hooked up on Nov 1, its now dec 1...and we've crashed at each other's places, been shoppin for Christmas presents w/ her mom and her brother, we've done the making out and the gropin and all that stuff....is it time to give it a name, or to give it another week?

 

Also, I would like for her to bring up the "naming" relationship thing...I dont wanna rush thing, however, it seems that she almost wants me to bring it up...but there is always that " challenge" thing that girls DIG. So...as BEEC stated, how to state what I need to say w/out being too vulnerable...and you're right BEEC, I dont want her if she wont meet those standards.

 

So...those two questions (is it time to give it a name?) and separate, but connected w/ that is, how do i bring up the "rules" w/out being too vulnerable(BEEC) and w/out using such words as "rules, bylaws, standards..."etc cause this is not a baseball game...its a game yes for sure, but a game w here threats(as in if u wont meet this then i wont see you) while I agree is IMPLIED...you all knokw that cant be said...girls hate threats!

 

I"m not asking for SPECIFICS as to what to say, but some good starters after I saw "well i was thinking about wha tyou said the other day, you goof...and I know that you wouldnt say it if u werent halfway serious about it..." and THEN WHAT DO I SAY FROM THERE?

 

Not confused about how I feel, or how she feels...but where do I go from here....

 

T

[Beec]

Forget about waiting for her to bring it up. Face it, she is and/or both of you want her to be your girlfriend. That's obvious. If nopthing is said, you will sink into a relationship with no understood rules. If she doesn't set forth her rules, that may give you some more freedom, but you are worried about ehr meeting your expectation. So, It's your problem not knowing if she is willing to follow them, and it's your issue to raise. Besides, you are the guy act like THE MAN.

 

When you have a moment, tell her you want to talk. Tell her you see that whether we planned it or not, we seem to be back into a relationship. Tell her you like that idea, but you want to make sure that each of you understands what that means to each other. (You will have done three things here dropped the bomb that you want to talk, making her nervous, then given her the idea that YOU WANT to be in a relationship with her, and, third, raised the topic she wants to raise, while she is not expeting it, i.e. you have taken the initiative).

 

Tell her how you want her to behave, what you expect from her and then, tell her: "This is the kind of relationship I am interested in and I know you can be that woman." (You've laid the groundrules and told her she can meet them, so she'll want to do so, but also implied the threat of ending it without saying so.) Finally, explain in similar terms what rules you will follow. If she responds readily and positively, say great, I feel better we had this talk and close.

[toddb]

Good Ideas...definitely good ideas...

 

Lets fill ya'll in w/ some more info

 

Went over there last night after studying around midnight...she hugged me when I walked in the door, and I ended up helpin her out w/ her project due today. We ended up walking to the gas station to get some pop (it was 2AM) and both her and I had to study and finish up some stuff. Upon returning, we're just chillin and we're "gazing into each other's eyes" and she goes "I really really like being with you." And she snuggle up against me and we kissed really "hard" and knowing and then went back to work sorta...

 

After that we're just chillin after studying and I go "ya know, I really liked how u referred to you and I as "us" or as "T & K" together" I really LIked it." And then later I said something to the effect of "well you are my girl so I do have to watch out for ya and make sure that you're safe and happy." Well she gets a smile, almost Mona-Lisa'ish on her face and doesnt really say much...so I'm left hanging.

Well we finally went to bed around 4AM and she goes "Does It feel weird to you sleeping with me?" AND I'M DUMBFOUNDED, plus really tired so I gave her my honest answer "no." And then I go "weird is definitely not the word I would use to describe it."

 

So we went to sleep, and I wake up early to go study some more and she kisses me twice on the cheek(now this is after two hours of sleep) and...here I am....

 

 

any suggestions as to what in sam blazes is going on????

 

Thanks

T

[Beec]

My advice is unchanged. You are in a relationship, and you both like it. It's up to you to make it what you want it to be and to tell her what you expect of her. Have at it.

[dfcannon]

Thanks for getting back on your progress. You must be feeling pretty good about yourself, having turned around a nearly-impossible situation that would have left most guys stranded at the side of the road with their suitcases.

 

Anyway, I agree with the other posts that you have a good grasp of the situation. Now, the question is really about tactics, i.e. how to go about it. I suggest you find the frustration in yourself and let her have it a little, but never in a way that demeans HER, instead, demean her BEHAVIOR. Big difference.

 

Get her into a comfortable setting where you can have a talk, but kinda slip the whole thing into a conversation. Don't make it seem as if you took her somewhere to have "the talk." Make the whole thing a little abstract, then bring in examples of her behavior and why that's not acceptable to you. Example: "I'm the kinda guy who thinks it's cool to have a steady gf, and it takes strong and special people to make a relationship work. Some of the things I think make or break a relationship are (fill in things she has done wrong, but don't specifically name her jjust yet...lol)..."

 

Then say, "for example, when you previously...." By doing it this way, you still have wiggle room, because you're still not asking her to be bf/gf. You'll drive her even more crazy by making things a little abstract.

 

Nooow she's gonna get riled up, or cry, or whatever. It's critical that here you don't back down or wimp out. Play off your own emotions here. Be firm, but caring, and if she starts to get angry or upset at you, this is where you need to find that frustration and raise your voice right back. This is where her friend talks about her wanting to see the real you asserting yourself. The key is to never, ever, put her down. Focus on her behavior, because these words will be etched in her mind until she's 120 years old, so make 'em something you can defend.

 

This is all I can think of at the moment, but again congrats on your big 4th quarter comeback. ;o)

[dfcannon]

I did not read your last post until now. The whole "isn't it weird" thing is her way of bringing up the big problems you went through and trying to get some sense of where you stand now. Weird comments like this one are going to pop up out of the blue until you finally have the big talk, and then I suspect it will gradually become more of a joke than an issue. Remember that chicks forget nothing, so when your "weird comment" meter starts to blink, ask yourself what happened in the past to make her say that, and find a way to bring it up without ever sounding like you're accusing her.

[toddb]

from enotalone.com:

 

Well thanks for the congrats on the 4th quarter Comeback...But its the 2 Min Warning and i'm in trouble...

 

After doing what I needed to do, had the "talk" with her about stuff, we didnt put a "label" on things due to...well she didnt want to, and personally, whats the rush? So we didnt, but we did agree it was a relationship. We talked about "how she wants to do things for me, take care of me, and that hasnt happened in a really long time. I want to make u happy, I want to do things for you that are not expected." So We were doing things bf/gf do, having fun, getting our sh** done at school, and doing our thing. Our weekends were normally spent out and usually ended up together at the end of the night, if not spent the entire night together.

 

Now, after Thanksgiving, after she wanted to see me Thanksgiving and the day after, but only could the day after, we spent all night w/ each other and had a blast, had a great time, totally.

 

Well in the three weeks since then, I've stood up to her actions in the bar(out of line for having a guy she's dating) and crashed at her place quite a bit. We've made out, gotten a lil freaky ;-) and had and done the bf/gf things that we do. In reality, this is month 8 of our relationship, not just month two due to the fact that we're ex'es but now back together.

 

WELL...Friday she had a job interview. She called me three times to let me know it went great, to ask where a good place to eat lunch was at (really just to talk) and AGAIN on the ride back up to School just to "talk and say Hi cause she's in a really good mood" as she put it. So saturday she was sorta sick, and I was over for a while and asked her if she wanted me to come back over later after I went otu to a buddy's graduation party. She said "no, do u mind if I have some alone time tonight?" And I said "sure, thats awesome."

 

So earlier that night She said she "forgot" that we were going to the Nutcracker(she just said it slipped her mind for a sec cause it was dead week and so much stuff is/was going on and cause she had a heacache)So on Sunday I took her to the Nutcracker. We had a great time, but I could tell something was on her mind. So we went to Perkins afterwards and had a bite to eat and started talking. This is how it went:

 

My girl: "One of the things I love about you is how you care so much, and do so much, above whats expected, for those that you care about the most. However, when you do that ALL THE TIME, they are wonderful, and great, and from cookin me pancakes to getting me nyquil if I have a cold, its awesome. However, because its there all the time, BUT I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU, It takes away some of the surprise, and the fun out of it. I see us STARTING TO GO DOWN THE ROAD WE WENT DOWN THIS SUMMER AND I DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN."

 

Me: "So are you closing the door on me or what? Cause if you are, well then..."

 

My Girl: (CRYING IN PERKINS) "NO NO NO, I'm not at all, You are though arent you?"

 

Me: "No, no no no, I'm not at all."

 

My Girl: "(sighs with a smile) Ok(hug and kiss)...I'm just saying that I still want to do the things for you, the door has not closed, I am just lookin' at it a lil differently because I know that if i do something great and fun for you, that you'll do it back, and try and do it better than what I did. Todd, I love what you do and how u do it, I just want to make it as much fun as it was a month ago. It doesnt have to be ALL THE TIME THAT U DO THESE THINGS, you know? It doesnt have to be that lil extra every time because you're so good at it without trying in the first place. SO CONSIDER THIS A WARNING THAT I AM/WAS SEEING US GO DOWN THE PATH THAT WE WENT DOWN THIS SUMMER, AND I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN. "

 

Me: "So you're sayin this cause u dont want this to happen again, cause u care and cause u want to do what we've done in the past, hang out, spend all weekend together, or just go to the movies and be alone in the woods or whatever, again?"

 

My Girl: "yeah, yes totally. This is just a warning as that I dont need u to make 110% of my life happy, even though u do try and its so good. I love that about you! But I'm pretty good at making my life outside of us happy as well. In a relationship, people are on their own and do things together as well, and both make each other happy."

 

Me: "So this is finals week, and I was gonna give you your time and space anyways, and this will just add a diff twist to this all...Its doable, and I will do it to make myself happy, and it makes yourself happy as well. And as long as u trust in me that I will do that, then its all good"

 

My Girl: "Yeah I know, I do trust you, I do know that u will do it. Space is good and I am just worried that you're gonna fly off the deep end or something...(worried look in her eyes) (long kissing, holding each other, lots of hugging) Your eyes todd...they look sad"

 

me: "Well yeah they are a lil, you're tellin me that what I do is too much and that who I am is...is not exactly whats needed. But I guess I am going to thank u for bringing this up because if this is just a warning,and I"m trusting in u that it is, then its just in time and it will be taken care of."

 

Me: "I"m not gonna fly off the deep end, or try and do back flips on my skis, or go sky diving w/ no parachute...THIS IS NOT THAT COMPLICATED and you're just going to have to trust in ME that I will take care of this AND GIVE YOU YOUR SPACE and not go too far too fast."

 

My Girl: "Todd, I want to care about you as much as you care about me, I want to do the things for you that you do for me. I really do want to do that."

 

We hug, kiss, say goodbye and go from there.

 

SO I'M PISSED AT MYSELF THAT I'VE PUT MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION AGAIN.

 

So i asked her what to do during finals week and she goes "WELL PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP(AGAIN ANOTHER OBVIOUS MENTION OF US AS A COUPLE) would call and ask about how it went, how the projects were going, whats going on, and care. Just dont be a di** Todd, I know its not you, and it hurts when you are one.

 

Me: "I know, I wont be one, but I'm gonna give the space and time WE NEED to get our stuff done" and we hugged, kissed and then left. she gave up getting her final project done on time monday to tell me all this and talk to me about this and THATS HUGE ya know?

 

Called her monday night(she had tons of stuff due) and we talked for an hour and she goes "well u can call me on the walk back from the library"

 

Well i called her after I was back for 10mins, and left it at that. She IM's e before she goes to bed and goes "Todd, i'm off to bed but just want to say I'm thinking about you. g'night"

 

yesterday she im's me asks how my tests went, i im her back and tell her well and i'm tired and what not, we talk for an hour, and at the end after I go "i oughta get going to study" she goes "WELL CAN YOU STOP BY LATER?" and I'm like "well if i dont go to late, yeah I can do that." Keeping it vague and mysterious and all...

 

so i stop by, not planning on staying the night and we hang out, she bundles up in my fleece, falls asleep for a few, talk about her project due, and I kiss her once, on the forehead, and thats it. I get my coat to leave, and she goes "thanks for stopping by" comes up and BARELY BARELY kisses me on the side of the cheek...and i give her a lil salute(its an inside thing) and I say "good luck with your stuff and have a good night" NO KISS BACK FROM ME, NOTHING.

 

So here I am, and have NO IDEA what to do. I'm supposed to go to a wedding w/ her this Saturday (she asked me to go with her three weeks ago) And that went from an all day affair to simply at night("I just really want to see u that night, and see u all dressed up" she said). SO.........you've been my personal coach, and I could use a LOT of this in the last two mins of this Game.

 

I want this girl so badly, so so so badly, and I'm afraid I already ruined it, although she said 'its just a warning." SO WHAT DO I DO, HOW DO I DO IT, WHAT DO I ACT LIKE(she's going out to the bars tonight in celebration of being done) AND ahhh...

 

In need of A LOT OF COACHING AS I'M A ROOKIE IN THE SUPERBOWL...

Todd

[Beec]

Well, you seem to be doing ok, but also seem to have been told what to do and not to do. Your gf knows her stuff. She knows you are nuts about her and she wants to be that way too. I mean wow, she has pretty much told you that and you are showing restraint and playing a good game. Do more of the same. Mkae sure you are well dressed when you go to the wedding, but don't go beyond the rest of the crowd. If everyone is in a suit, wear one, make sure its been pressed, shine your shoes, make sure eveything matches well, and is neat, get a hair cut, etc. Look like a stud. When she compliments you on how you look, tell her "Yeh, I make this suit look good." Add in a little shrug with it and laugh at yourself right after. When you go to the wedding, slide up and whisper in her ear that she looks great in that dress. Flirt with her a bit. Wink at her. Kiss her and don't look to take it any further, make her try to do that. Act like you want it and that the door to sex is unlocked, but that she has to open it. Make her chase you a bit before you give her everything she could want. Gie her invitations as to how to make you happy, drop a hint, then be happy if she does things that you suggest in your hints.

[toddb]

Gotcha.....so is this truly just a "warning" or are these walking papers? My buddies say dump her a** and make her realize what she's missing out on...but I guess I know I've probably given a bit too much, a bit too soon. So Its my fault...so what are these? Walking papers, or simply "hey Todd get your head out of your a** and realize that I want to want u as much as u want me but u gotta let me do that..."

 

ANY TAKES?

[The Morrigan]

I wouldn't take it as a preliminary to a dumping - more that she's matured enough to see a relationship as just that - two INDIVIDUAL people who choose to be together for what they can give each other, as opposed to the only living for what the other person wants most of us manage to fall into at some point.

 

It sounds like she's basically saying she doesn't want to feel like she's having to compete with the amount of attention you show her - that she wants it to be a true balance of give and take, where sometimes she has the opportunity to be the one doing something - and you appreciate it without doing any more that just that - appreciating it, and loving her for it, not trying to do soemthing in return she seems to feel ends up overshadowing her efforts.

 

I'd agree with letting her work a bit - seems she wants to make some efforts that will stand on their own merits here, and that's healthy. She doesn't want to just be the passive one along for the ride, but be as involved in the everyday caring things as you are, so let her take the lead for a bit, and follow it. Make the gestures have nothing to do with when she does something for you, impulsive and occasional, or the little things like when she's sick taking care of her, have more impact than constant showering. And let her take care of you when the opportunity arises - without trying to think you're in the "indebted" position.

[ilinara]

You have done nothing wrong, everything is fine. Even if you would do it will not break anything. She tries to adjust the two of you. The reason she tells you all this is, she feels pressure to do the same amount of caring and stuff when you do it but doesn't want to give up herself and goals and loose herself. That shows she has the capability to do it but doesn't feel good when she does. Just show her your love and attention but don't expect anything back. Take what she gives you and be happy with that. She will do more and more when she feels less pressure to do so.

[toddb]

So I had huge tests this past week(it was finals week) and she was done Wednesday. AFter that talk Sunday night, we barely spoke save for an hour monday night and some on Tuesday. She calls wednesday, and calls me thursday to wish me good luck on my final on Thursay. She tells me that she's getting wasted Thursday night cause its the end of the semester. I said thats awesome, have fun, cause I have a huge huge test Friday morning. We're supposed to go to something Saturday night, something she's told me about for over a month, but she wont tell me what. I saw "wedding" on her calendar but she woouldnt ever tell me what was going on. So here goes....

 

Thursday night, go over to her place at 5AM to talk about some things her friend had just told me on the phone: such as she's dating this other guy, I deserve better than both my girl and this friend, and that my girls a player. Well I go over there, get that all straightened out (she hasnt been on dates) and then she drops this:

 

Todd U are the best guy...and goes on to list 10-15 things that "I love about you Todd, that I lvoe that you do, that drives me so so so crazy!"

She then stands me up and goes "TODD, I LOVE YOU." eye to eye. Face to face. Lip to Lip.

She then goes "Todd, I want to be with you...I dont think u get it, I want to be with you for a really really long time"

And then she goes "I dont want to be in a relationship with anybody else but you."

 

BUT!!!! She goes "I want to be 21 still, I just turned it this summer, and even though I'm a senior, I"m still 21 yrs old. I want to live and do all this stuff....I guess I just need time, and its so stupid! Because I love everythign about you, I love you! But this is so dumb and I dont know why I'm feeling this way." So we went on and talked about how I'm not just gonna wait around, or be the fifth speed dialer on her phone to call for guys, and Loving a person means they want to be with them, want to hold them, and nobody else! And she's like I KNOW I KNOW, AND I DONT WANT TO BE WITH ANYBODY ELSE...BUT...BUT...and I go "but u still want to go out on dates and stuff?" And she didnt answer.

Went to take my test, w/ my mind on other matters, go back over there crash w/ her for a while friday, went to referee friday night, never saw her out, she never called me, etc. Heard she was out w/ friends and w/ this one guy "Franny" (thats his name) that my girls' friends told me she was seeing/talking to whatever.

Saturday, its 8PM, and I went home to get my dress slacks. She doesnt call me till 830, tells me that "I guess we couldnt take guests to the wedding or the reception(which is so much BS at least for the Reception!) and asks "what are you doing tomorrow?" ALL THIS AFTER SHE HAD ALL BUT PROMISED WE WOULD SEE EACH OTHER THAT NIGHT! GRRRRRRR!

 

Well so I went skiing at a nearby ski area that was open late till 1AM, did some huge tricks and conquered one of my fears of this trick I've been trying for a really long time, and finally did the trick so I was pumped. So so so pumped. WEll she calls me, tells me she's going to this bar, tells me what time, and pretty much thats inviting me to go there (she goes I hope I see ya later). So I go there, after skiing around 1215AM, and I see her there. Walk up to her give her ak iss on the cheek and I could tell she doesnt like it. I see this franny dude(he's 6'4, bigger than I am...I'm 6'1, thin, but athletic and skier and stuff) so pretty much he's everything I'm not. So i ask her to dance, she goes I dont know, maybe after she gets back from the bathroom...so she's walkin out, and I'm ballsy that night cause I'm so pumped and I go "hey babe, what are you going to do now that there are two guys, in the same place that you are, that both like you an d want you, but one of them u told u loved them two nights ago. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"

Well she hated that, got all pissed, i tried putting my hands on her hips to talk to her and she knocked them away, so I just went out ont he dance floor and had fun(as much as I could) I kept watch over her sorta, & she hugged this guy I saw, and that hurt a lot. So after all this, I went up to her and asked if she was alright, she said no, said we definitely have to talk and see each other tomorrow(Sunday) I said yes definitely, but I am even down for talking tonight. She goes no, I"m just gonna go home I think. So i go to the gas station, get my pop, and am driving away and she's on the phone w/ PROBABLY this franny dude w/ this huge smile on her face and I am just raging mad and sad and upset and I just smile and wave and drive away....

 

WHAT IN SAM BLAZES IS GOING ON? THIS IS ALL SO RETARDED! AND I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PLAYED WITH TO THE T! BUT IF I WALK AWAY I'M THROWING AWAY HER LOVE IN HER MIND, BUT DA** IT I CATN JUST BE IN LIMBO! DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO W/ NOT SETTING RULES? SHE GOES ''WE'VE NEVER BEEN EXCLUSIVE" AND I'M LIKE 'UH WE HAVE BEEN DATING EACH OTHER FOR TWO MONTHS' AND SHE GOES 'I KNOW, BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN WE'RE EXCLUSIVE...' GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

WHAT AM I TO DO? TO THINK? TO ACT LIKE? TO BE???? ANYTHING!!

 

I'll finish my Sunday after people respond to this...

 

Lost & Stranded on Love's Island in....Iowa

Todd

[Beec]

Sounds like you are being jealous and/or insecure, and she is playing you well. It seems to me that you've known for a while that you are not in a committed relationship. She says she wants that at some time, but not right now. You want it and want it now. If you are not in a committed relationship, why would you be exclusive?? Either you need to find some type of relationship both of you can live with, or not any relationship at all. Because your actions toward her Saturday night we full of jealousy and insecurity. If you were in a relationship with her and she went out and had some other guy hit on her, then she would have to deal with it. If she is an attractive woman, it is going to happen. Can you trust her enough to let her deal with it? Talking to her the way you did as on Saturday was not showing any trust or any confidence in your ability to win her for yourself forever. Women don't want to be chased and don't want to be with some guy who is going to be jealous and overly protective everytime another man looks at them.

 

This woman has told you that you are the guy she wants eventually, but not now. If you act out of insecurity and jealousy, it will be never. She won't be in love with you.

 

Listen, she has told you what she wanted, put the pieces together and play the game.

[toddb]

Interesting point...I guess I didnt finish my story.

 

 

So we are not in a committed relationship...true. Which sucks from my point of view. And YES I know that she is very very attractive, and my actions (actuallly only one of them) were out of spite...that comment. But it was a good one.

 

She's playing the game...she's playing me for a fool. Why? Because Sunday when we talked for six hours...she told me that yes, she has kissed this guy, yes, she has hung out w/ him the past four nights instead of me, and yes, it is fun, but no, she does not want to be in a relationship with him(or so she says). So thats why I may come off as jealous and insecure...wouldnt you be too If your girl had said "I love you but I kissed and made out with another guy." ?????

 

Sorry if that was blunt but thats how I see it....just wondering what to do? I can play the game, thats not hard, but is it worth it to live in limbo? I gotta be strong I know that but how is one supposed to move forward(as she told me she wants me to, in terms of her feeligns, she goes I want you to love me as much as I love you, and when I know that, that will change everything about all this) when she's dating/going out with other guys instead of me?

 

 

I guess it does come down to how much stock to put into the "I Love You" is what my big thing is...those are huge words I dont take lightly at all. I told her that "when You love somebody, you want to be with them, hold them, kiss them, and not think of anybody else right?" and she goes "yeah, but being 21 doesnt work with that." Uggghh now I hope u all see a lil more and a lil more...

 

Bummed

T

[toddb]

So...this saga continues...Sunday, after we had talked about this kissing the guy thing, this I love you and how her actions went down, this is how it went:

 

We started talking about this guy and how in my mind he's the total opposite of me. I go "hey, this guy may be bigger, taller, faster, but ya know, I kick his ass in every other area except for those three. Every other area. I KNOW THAT I'M ONE OF THE BEST OUT THERE for guys to date, I know it. There is no best as thats different for each person but K(my girl) I am one of the best. (she smiled a lot a lot when I said that).

 

And maybe it'll take u seeing me w/ another girl, maybe it'll take u seeing me kiss or hear about me go out to a restaurant(that is K's favorite) with another girl. Maybe it'll take you hearing about me stayin over at another girls house till the wee hours of the morning. (at this point she's balling her eyes out). But I dont want that other girl. I want you(smile by her). But K, I think u are afraid, I think u are afraid of how yoru ex (from three years ago but still talk or whatever cause they grew up together) treated u and how u are afraid that how u got cheated on will happen again. So I dont think u give me enough credit. I think u are petrified that what he did to you, how bad he hurt you, will happen again. I think u are so so so afraid that u cant give half as much as what u can or want to because you hold back. Because you cant give it yuor all because u still hold onto this fear.

 

She's BALLING, I MEAN BALLING HER EYES OUT at this point. I havent see her act this sad since we broke up for the first time in July. After she calmed down she goes "You're totally right. I am so so so afraid that I"m gonna get hurt again. Whenever I've even gotten close to you, I've pushed myself away. I did it in July because I was so close, and I'm doing it now because I got close to you...you didnt get as close to me as I was to you(which is good in my book...let her wonder!) and I got scared beause my feelings for you are so strong, are so real. Todd ever since then I havent given 150% of me to anything. When him and I were dating, it was cake. I gave him everything. I gave him everything I had. And he burnt it. He burned it up. And it hurt me so so so much. So much. So i havent given you, or school (even though she is a 3.8 student) half as much effort as I did in the past. You're right Todd, I havent been able to let go of that fear. But I want to. I'm afraid of how strong I feel for you. Its sorta scary to me. But its so good. And feels so good. I havent felt this way about a guy since him and now I"m pushing myself away and its so stupid and this is a huge reason why i'm doing what i'm doing..."

 

I then tell her that now its time to let go of those feelings, to stand up to this dude(i used other choice words) and to let you be you K. I told her that I would help her when I could, I would hold her hand, but she would have to walk through that door to take care of it. Told her I would support her through it and help her work her way through it." She goes "Todd Ive cared about u ever since we broke up, that never changed. I care about you so much. So much in the BEST way. I dont want to lose you. But yes, I'm pushing myself away."

 

So skip ahead to last night...calls me while i'm at funeral, I call her back obviously and she's upset, i can tell. So i was on my way up to school for the evening to load the rest of my stuff and to pick up a Christmas present for my bro and asked her if she wanted me to call when I got into town...she was an energetic "yeah yeah do that."

 

So I did, she was stoked to hear from me, and she asked me if i wanted to go to Best Buy with her. I said yeah, I was goign there anyways. So I walk in the door, and she runs up to me, gives me this huge hug and kiss on the cheeks and on the lips and we hold each other for like five mins. We then gather up our stuff, go to Best Buy And Borders BookStore. Inside Best Buy, I let her do her thing, keep my distance to a degree, and she comes up behind me and hugs me. In borders she's really distant, weirdly so, and I ask her "whats the deal?" And she goes "just thinkin.." and I go "about me?" with a smile on my face and she goes "yeah...really good things."

 

So we leave, go get dinner, go to Target where she hugs me in the aisle and goes "you are soooo cute"

 

We then go back to her place, where she gives me a Christmas card that "only I can read, nobody else" as she says it. So I say sure, we kiss, a long hard kiss and then a kiss where it lingers long enough...but she cuts it off to make ya wonder...one of those sorta dang good but oh so close to being great but then she cuts it off sorta kisses...

And here I am now.