An NC success story - Not mine

[EyesOnThePrize]

I just met with a client today who is back with his wife (for about 2 years) after they were apart for five years. They are still legally separated, even though they share a house again, because he says he is committed to taking things slowly.

 

Interestingly, his wife dumped him and left at about the same age, and for similar reasons, that my ex-wife dumped me. He said that as soon as she left, he went NC. Now, they have a kid, and I just got overviews from the story, and it went to LC at some point, although I'm not sure at what point. He said things like "When that phone call comes in, it goes right to voice mail." He also strongly advised..."never show you care, even when you do."

 

I asked him why she decided to come back. He said "You know how they say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Well, she realized that it was still a desert there." Then I asked him why he decided to take her back. He said that she said to him "I will do whatever it takes to make you happy." He also said that she wanted to move back into the house with him, and he was adamant that she get her own place (they moved back in together over a year later).

 

He told me that he did not stay stuck in his life, he worked on himself and moved forward, and he said that he also found it was a desert on the other side of the fence (hey, this is Las Vegas). I also recall him saying that the five years went by much more quickly than he would have expected.

 

Its an inspiring story for me. I also find it interesting that this is the third client with whom I've met in the last few weeks who got back together with an estranged spouse after a long separation. I don't believe in coincidence, and I think there is a reason these people are in my life now.

[pumpkinmoon]

What a great story I like the ones that give us hope. Thanks for posting that x

[Andy_2007]

There's no denying it can happen...and if the feelings never really die and if one can make apologies and make promises they can keep... and the other can forgive them for what they did, then people can get back together again.

 

I'm afraid though, I'm at that point where I believe this will not happen with me and my ex...hell, i'm not 100% sure I'd want it to.

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm scared too. One minute I truley believe it will and the next I can't see it happening at all I suppose only time will tell and I wish it would pass a lot faster

[Lionel Hutz]

I think its about sorting out what each wants. Eventually one begins to miss the other and its easier to go back to the ones we love than to go "Play the fields." I know that my ex began to miss me. Once that happened we both had to surrender, and come to our senses. We loved each other and foolish behavior would keep us apart. It really can help to be alone and remember how much we desire and miss the ones we love. Glad to hear a good story.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think its about sorting out what each wants. Eventually one begins to miss the other and its easier to go back to the ones we love than to go "Play the fields." I know that my ex began to miss me. Once that happened we both had to surrender, and come to our senses. We loved each other and foolish behavior would keep us apart. It really can help to be alone and remember how much we desire and miss the ones we love. Glad to hear a good story.

 

How long before do you think it was before she started to miss you? and how long was it before you truly started to miss her? I mean, I miss mine, but I don't think I miss him as much as I will do a month down the line if you know what I mean x

[Lionel Hutz]

I cant pin point it, but I think it was her knowing I was going out and living my life still. So i'd say she really began to miss me after I began to really move on. She would see pictures of me at this weekly fucntion we'd go to when we were together. I know she checked Myspace too. I began to miss her immediately. She broke up with me so I was sad naturally. Yeah I do know what you mean, totally. Either the desire will lurk and eventually, as I posted above, you two will surrender and do what you know is true. If not, you two were probably not good for each other.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah makes sense. I have thought about putting pics up of nights out on facebook but I think its too soon yet and he would probably think I was doing it for his benefit lol

[Lionel Hutz]

Who cares what he thinks? Do your thing, hes not an item anymore. Dont censor yourself because of what he may think. Thats controlling you still. Rock the F**k out and post all the pictures of your good times. He may think "Wow she looks so happy."

[pumpkinmoon]

lol yeah you're right but my dilema is that I'm doing NC for a while and I have tried to disappear from his view. I don't want him to know what I'm up to or where I am going. Plus I've stopped signing into facebook now 3 days ago as I couldn't help but check his profile and see if he was online constantly and it was no good for me., I can't deal with seeing his pictures and evertime I checked I was so scared of what I would find. So I just decided not to sign in anymore. If he does check my page which hopefully he does... then he will be able to see that there has been no activity from me on it and he may wonder if I'm too busy to sit on facebook all the time

[EyesOnThePrize]

I don't think putting up pictures is breaking NC. I think he's breaking NC if he goes to look at them. I think e-mailing him "Hey, I have some new pictures up on facebook" is breaking NC. But I think its your life...if you want to post pictures, post pictures.

 

I believe that, right now, it shouldn't matter what he thinks about what you do for you. How he chooses to react to it is his problem, not yours. If you want to put up pictures, then I say "Go for it!"

 

And if you can't help but check his profile, then you could take him off your friends list. Not only may you resist the temptation to check on him, it will also probably send a pretty powerful message to him.

 

I've already told my ex-wife I'm considering taking her off my LiveJournal friends list. She's very upset about this. Its funny...she wants me checking up on her.

[Lionel Hutz]

Better yet everytime you sign in Load it up with photos, dont sign in for a week or two. Next time you sign in rinse and repeat. DONT CHECK HIS NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TOO. Before you know it you'll get a message. "Howve you been, I saw your pics of....." If your too busy thats even better, especially if hes on Facebook all dang day.

[pumpkinmoon]

I have thought about taking him off my friends list but I don't think it would achieve anything as he has told me he wants to be friends but he just needs time.

 

With the pictures, I hate having my picture taken and he knows it. That was one of our many issues, that I would never let him take pictures of me. But the thing is, if I did put pics on there I would only be doing it for his benefit.

 

I know it wouldn't be breaking NC, but I read somewhere on here that to do NC properly we need to stop checking things like facebook, and I know for a fact that if i started signing in again I would be checking his. Even if I did delete him, I could still check him as his profile is open to everyone.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Shoefairy - If you don't tell them you're doing it for his benefit, he doesn't know you're doing it for his benefit. And, in fact, based on what you've said, he may say "Wait...she didn't used to like to get her picture taken. Maybe she's changing." And if some random person says "Hey, hot new pics" or whatever, then don't you think maybe you did it a little bit for your benefit?

[Lionel Hutz]

I have thought about taking him off my friends list but I don't think it would achieve anything as he has told me he wants to be friends but he just needs time.

 

Thats a string, delete him. Dont be put on a long leash. Know what I mean. You gotta do things for you. Im not saying completely dis him but you gotta not change your routine and live free and naturally now.

[Lionel Hutz]

Shoefairy - If you don't tell them you're doing it for his benefit, he doesn't know you're doing it for his benefit. And, in fact, based on what you've said, he may say "Wait...she didn't used to like to get her picture taken. Maybe she's changing." And if some random person says "Hey, hot new pics" or whatever, then don't you think maybe you did it a little bit for your benefit?

 

Applause. This is right on!!

[pumpkinmoon]

hmm maybe, I even thought about creating a fake profile of a really good looking bloke and posting on my wall from him just to make him jealous lol I didnt though so dont worry

[Little Blue Ant]

Take him off your friends list. Seriously, thats only going to give you temptation to check up on him. I know, I did it all the time. But when she finally put a pic of her and her new man kissing as her main pic, I said "F*** it, why am I putting myself through this". Plus, I don't want her snooping into my life either. My idea is that she doesn't deserve to know whats happening with me, even if it does make her jealous. If anything, me out of her life completely will make her realize what life is like with me COMPLETELY out of it, which could result in her missing me, or not caring at all. Either one is ok by me.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think he does genuinely want to be friends, don't thik he wants me out of his life completely. I think the break up has affected him more than I am realising, or at least I hope so.