Beggars and stupid relatives, what should I do?

[Metallica Lightning]

This afternoon I went with my brother and his family to the mall here in Concord. We were just walking up the side of the building when a guy came up to us and asked if he could hit one of us up for a dollar to get on a bus. My nephew promptly pulled out his wallet and handed him a dollar, then this guy kept asking for more, and was expectantly holding out his hand to my other relatives, to which they all put change in. He turned his hand to my brother, and my brother shook his head no, then he turned to me, and then I shook my head no. He then started asking for more from my sister-in-law and neices and nephews, until I finally asked him if he had a job. He gave me a weird look and said he gave up working, and then had the seeds to ask me for 50 cents, after I made it very clear I wasn't going to give him anything. I told him that I had about $300 in my wallet but I wasn't giving him a cent, to which he responded "why you gotta be a hata'?" My brother then asked him if he had a house and he said he lived with his parents, then I told him to give the money back and that he didn't deserve it. He got defensive and backed up at first, but when my brother and I both stepped closer to him he gave in and handed the approximately $7 back to my brother. He only needed a dollar originally. He walked away and asked us to think about the example we were setting for my other relatives.

 

Soon after that incident, my sister-in-law, my two neices and nephew got upset with my brother and I for ordering that the piece of trash give them their money back. My brother and sister-in-law got into a fight which escalated to the point where mall security had to be involved (nothing physical happened). She told my brother to give her the car keys and wallet, and told me to give her my wallet so we would know what it felt like to be the guy who just tried to hit us up. Obviously we both refused, and the whole mall trip was a disaster which consisted of my neices and nephew saying rude things behind my back, and my sister-in-law pouting and teared up the whole time. Eventually, I harshly confronted my neices and nephews when I heard them say in agreement that I was an * * * * * * * . I made the youngest neice cry (She's 14), and the other two just stayed silent and stayed far away from me as possible.

 

The whole thing eventually got worse as I told them that they were not allowed to stay at my house until they gave me an apology and an explanation of their actions. My demands angered my brother who had just driven from Buffalo with the intent of staying at my house. Obviously it wasn't fair to him, and I told him he was more than welcome to stay and so was his familt if they gave me an apology. I didn't get one, and I advised him to get a hotel unless he alone planned on staying. Infuriated, my brother got back in his car and snarled at me "don't expect to hear from us for a very very long time Kane."

 

Honestly, I do feel bad for spurning my brother, but the way my other relatives acted was completely unacceptable, and I thought it was only just that should I not receive an apology, they would not eat my food or share in my luxuries. It's absolutely disrespectful.

 

Was I just in handeling this matter? Do you think my brother is being serious with his words to me?

 

Also, was I just in my actions towards the beggar? I know alot of people will hit me with the "compassion conquers all" but it seemed obvious he wanted it for the wrong reasons.

 

 

Kane.

[scottzorrzz]

I would have to agree with you on the beggar incident. If he had a home, he obviously had food to eat. He couldn't have needed that money to "survive" (defined as needing to buy himself his own food or pay for shelter or warmth). He must have wanted that money for something else. If he originally needed a dollar for boarding the bus but insisted he be given more, he must have had other intentions that he didn't plan on sharing publicly. Drugs? Alcohol? Assumptions, of course, but fair ones at that. I hate to admit it, but a good amount of the homeless and/or beggars these days are alcoholics or drug addicts. There are obviously a fair amount who are not (giving them the benefit of the doubt). This all ties in to the fact that you were just in your dealings with the beggar.

 

The family situation, however, is a slightly different story.

 

I will admit upfront that had it been me, I would have done the same thing. This does not mean it was the best way to deal with the situation. I think everybody involved took the whole thing to an extreme, and this could all have been a lot easier on everyone.

 

Perhaps you could have returned home and sat down and talked this all out? Much better than a public incident at the mall, physical or not. I think if you had been able to all sit down, you could have better explained your reasoning behind your dealings with the beggar. Maybe then it would have been clearer to all what exactly was going through your mind at the time concerning the situation.

 

I do have a question though. Did you end up giving him the dollar? I think I would have at least given him the dollar he originally asked for. I know that sounds hypocritical to the rest of the post, but I think there should have been a little compassion that shined through all of this. Also, it would have been a chip in your hand when discussing the situation after and would have lightened the load slightly.

 

Of course I don't know your family and I don't know the relationships you all have with each other. It would be different for everyone and solving it would have been a challenge any way you slice it.

 

Hope that helps somewhat.

 

P.S. Love the name. Metallica rocks.

[agent1607307371]

Giving a beggar a dollar is fine. But your relatives were stupid in that they had a whip-round for him without evening thinking about it.

 

I don't think you should have got their money back for them, just not given him any of yours.

 

I don't think you handled it in a very good way, but I don't think your relatives did either and it escapalated out of proportion. (That said, I know my sister would never allow her (hypothetical as yet) children to talk about me that way, and she knows how I would react if they (hypothetically) did.)

 

I think you need to give your brother some time to calm down, but don't offer an apology unless he is willing to offer one also.

[CaptainPlanet]

As far as I am concerned beggars are in entertainment, they sell you the right to feel charitable.

 

If he can make more money begging on the streets than he can working for minimum wage.. well, what can I say about that other than good on him.

 

Since you guys handed the money over to him, it was his property from then on and you had no right to ask for it to be given back.

 

Fact is a small family fude broke out and you sent your family away. Something I would find to be pretty unforgiveable. Don't know how far they had to drive but yeah, if it was a long way I'd expect that he meant what he said.

[Metallica Lightning]

I also feel really bad about what I said to my neices and nephew. I have a slight temper and swearing problem, and both of those took effect yesterday.

 

Also, I called my brother and talked to him, but he didn't apologize, and neither did I. He told me that he just thought it was unfair treatment but then again he would have done the same thing. I just talked to him a minute ago and he said that they have no intent in visiting us for a very long time, possibly until Thanksgiving.

 

As to the question about the dollar, no I did not give him one. I think that money should be earned and not lightly given. I'm not a compassionate man and that's something I'll never change. I work hard for my money and I think I deserve all of it. Why should I give it to someone who is too lazy to even work?

[annie24]

wow, things really escalated out of control here! first off, i don't give money to street beggars either. i have in the past, but i feel it's a scam if they're just going to use it for drugs or alcohol. i do give money to charities, including homeless shelters, and i feel much more comfortable doing that.

 

i don't think you should have asked the guy for the money back, your family should have learned that lesson on your own. they gave him the money of their own free will. like in my case, i gave money to a homeless woman who was looking for bus fare to the city an hour away, she said her bus was leaving that night, and she was just wanting to get another $3 so she could buy the ticket. so i said fine, i gave it to her, and a few days later, i saw her on the street and she had the same story. i said, 'did you say you were leaving a few days ago?' of course she had no answer, she pretended not to hear me. no, i didn't give her more money afterwards.

 

i think you guys really escalated things out of control, it didn't have to be such a big deal. if they wanted to give away their money, that's their right. you didn't have to, that's your right also.

 

i think you guys should all apologize to each other.

[Metallica Lightning]

Ha, wow...

You're definitely right in the fact that I should have let him keep the money. It was their right to give it to him, and they should have learned the lesson.

 

Still though, I think I acted just in the matter concerning my family. My SIL, and neices and nephew showed me alot of disrespect when I had been paying for their lunch and dinner. It might have been a little out of hand to use the words "Why don't you little punks shut the f*ck up? I can hear your whiney asses and I'm not stupid, so I don't need any of your f*cking * * * * ."

Sometimes I don't understand that swearing offends people. My brother and I were raised by a mother and father who had no problem with it.

Other than that I think I'll wait for an apology from my SIL, if I don't get one in a while, I'll eventually try to get back in touch.

[agent1607307371]

My SIL, and neices and nephew showed me alot of disrespect when I had been paying for their lunch and dinner. It might have been a little out of hand to use the words "Why don't you little punks shut the f*ck up? I can hear your whiney asses and I'm not stupid, so I don't need any of your f*cking * * * * ."

 

You definitely weren't as polished as you could have been...

 

But they were really out of line, especially since they were dining out on your money and staying in your home.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Does your family break out into fights like this often? This is really more about a contest of wills as to who is right or wrong, when that is irrelevant. If someone wants to give money to a beggar fine, or not, fine, but it shouldn't be something that escalates into fights, swearing, refusals to house a relative because you didn't agree etc.

 

I would let it cool off, then call a family conference and apologize for it getting out of control if you have a problem with temper/swearing etc. That sounds one step away from a brawl if security needs to be called. Everyone needs to learn how to chill and treat each other with respect. Behaving this way as a family is interfering with your ability to BE a family, so you need to work on how to handle such disagreements in the future without resorting to this level of chaos.

[fragmint]

Since you guys handed the money over to him, it was his property from then on and you had no right to ask for it to be given back.

 

no right??? theres not much difference between him asking a stranger for money and a stranger asking him for money right after. they didnt force him to give the money back with a weapon or anything.