A case of the Ex: Can I text while he is making his decision?

[Suzanne1281]

I have been dating "John" since this past November. In January he tells me his ex (who he had an on-off long distance relationship with for two years and who he said had disappointed him time after time) told him she wanted to get back together. He told me he had to turn his phone off at night because she would contact him so much and he didn't want to speak with her.

 

"John" has told me he cares very deeply for me and knows he could fall in love with me. I let him know I could love him too. This past Sunday, I asked him what he's been thinking about us and the floor came out right under me: he is torn between me and his ex. He said he is still talking with her and is getting along with her (which I don't see a problem with, it's ok to be friends with exes). He hung out with her last time he was in his hometown, but nothing romantic happened. He says he spends one night with me, but then the next night will be on the phone with her. She sent him a care package when he was sick a couple weeks ago as well.

 

After we talked it out for an entire evening, he said he doesn't understand why he still loves her when he wants to love me and why he still loves her when she will probably just disappoint him again. He said she has cheated on him, not kept her promises, hates his friends and hates his father. At the end of the night he said he can see a future with me and having a family with me one day. He said he knew what he wanted then and had to take care of some "unpleasant business" of letting his ex know there would be no future with her. He told me I could call him if I need to talk. The last thing he said was that he will say "those three words" to me soon because he really is feeling that way.

 

I haven't heard anything in a week if he has spoken with her or not, but he personally told me Thursday he was going to see his friends in another city for the weekend (his Facebook message also says this, so I'm inclined to believe he did go there). While I am a bit hurt that he is leaving town and seeming to run away from the situation, I need him to communicate with me because I feel I deserve to know what is going on. Is it alright to send him a casual text just to let him know I am still thinking about him, or am I supposed to leave him his space? He did say I could call him, but I just don't know what a guy wants in this situation. Please help. I am confused and don't want to ruin what is a fragile situation right now.

[browneyedgirl36]

I am sorry you're in this situation. I was in a similar situation -- my ex's ex recently came back into his life and wanted him back (she's been in and out of his life for over a decade and hurt him very badly the last time), and he took her back. He and I weren't *together* anymore at the time (our reationship had already ended because he couldn't get past his feelings about her), but it was still very painful for me. In my case, there wasn't an decision-making to be done: She came back, he took her back, and while I know he cares for me, he's convinced she's "the one," so nothing I can do or say will change that.

 

My advice to you is this: Wait until he gets back, then call him (or e-mail, but I think calling is better) and tell him that you really care about him, that it is clear that he is torn between his feelings for the ex and his feelings for you, and that, for your own well-being and piece of mind, you are going to give him some space to think about what it is he really wants. Let him know you really want to be with him, but that you also need to do what is best for you, which is not to be in "limbo." DON'T tell him you'll wait for him (and don't wait for him -- continue to live your life). But, don't tell him never to contact you again, either. And then, let him go. By that, I mean don't contact him anymore. If/When he decides he wants to be with you, he will contact you.

 

This is a tough situation, but there really isn't much you can do but let him know where you're coming from and then leave it to him to sort out his issues. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses (unlike my ex) and decide she is not right for him, but if he doesn't, you'll have already started moving forward in your life.

 

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it works out for you.

[Suzanne1281]

Thank you. I'm sorry it happened to you too. It's really hard not to contact him for the entire weekend because I'm afraid he will think I no longer care about him. Unfortunately, I did try and call him the other evening, but did not leave a message. I am afraid he thinks I may be mad at him (which I kind of should be), because I didn't leave a message and then he didn't call me back at all. I basically just wanted to send him a "Hey how's it going" text today to make sure that is not the situation.

[annie24]

yes, i agree with brown-eyed girl. i'm sorry, it's a sucky situation to be in, i'm sure your ex doesn't like it either. on one hand, he's got this great girl, but he's still in love with the ex who hated his friends and cheated on him. that really sucks. some people are just messed up like that. i agree with browneyes, just tell him that you really like him and want to be with him, but don't want to be in limbo either so if he decides what he wants, he should call you, but in the meantime, you should try to move on. part of me wonders if he just wants what he can't have. if he sees you slipping away, i wonder if that would spur his interest.... i don't know. i certainly wouldn't play second fiddle to this ex and i wouldn't wait forever. if he's really enticed by the crappy ex who cheated on him, then he has more issues than you need to deal with.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you. I'm sorry it happened to you too. It's really hard not to contact him for the entire weekend because I'm afraid he will think I no longer care about him. Unfortunately, I did try and call him the other evening, but did not leave a message. I am afraid he thinks I may be mad at him (which I kind of should be), because I didn't leave a message and then he didn't call me back at all. I basically just wanted to send him a "Hey how's it going" text today to make sure that is not the situation.

 

Suzanne, don't worry about him thinking you don't care just because you don't contact him this weekend. He knows you care, and two days of not hearing from you will not make him think differently. Often, we think that an ex is not contacting us because they don't care, but that's often not the case at all; it's an awkward and difficult situation for BOTH parties, and it's understandable that contact may be sporadic (or even non-existent for awhile) while both parties are trying to deal with their feelings.

 

Hang in there!

[Suzanne1281]

Thank you Annie and Browneyes...I guess I was just worried that I made a mistake by calling him the other night. I think the best course of action will be to send an email a couple days into the week and let him know what you have advised me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I would let the weekend pass, but he does need to make a choice and stick to it. It takes only one conversation for him to tell this other woman is it over and he is moving on and won't be contacting her again, and it shouldn't be a long drawn out process unless there is more to that relationship than he is telling you.

 

My fear is that this is not the true situation, i.e., he is really dating both of you and can't decide what to do, so he is stalling both of you. It is NOT a good sign for him to drop off the face of the earth for a week and not contact you or return phone calls. It takes a second to text, and why isn't he doing that if he does see a future with you? He should be actively cultivating the relationship with you, and have cut her off and moved on with you. He could well be spending the week with her on vacation and have told you this story to keep you off his trail.

 

So make sure that his actions line up with his words, and don't accept that his words are true unless you are sure they are true. Give him a chance to show you he does want a future with you, but if he is continuing to text and see this woman, i would break it off and tell him to call you when he is free of her, and not until then.

[Suzanne1281]

Does this email sound alright to send tonight or tomorrow? It's the only thing I can think of to say my piece and feel somewhat better. I can't say all of this in a voicemail and god knows if he'll call back:

 

"I’m writing because this past week has been pretty difficult, and the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better about this situation is to just let you know where I’m coming from and then leave it to you. I realize this whole situation is difficult for you too and it’s a sucky situation to be in. First, I need to let you know that I do really like you and that I do want to be with you. However, I know now after doing a lot of thinking that the best thing I can do is to leave you some space to sort your thoughts out. It’s clear you are torn about your feelings, like you told me, and I know from my own past experience that it takes more than a few days to get through things like this. I don’t know if I’ve done the best job of letting you get through things in the past week, it’s just that I was upset and confused, and you did say it was ok to call or write you if I needed to talk.

So basically I just wanted to tell you that I meant everything I said last week about how I feel and if you do find out what you want, you should call me. But I have to do what’s best for me and know now that being in “limbo” like this is not the best thing. I know I need to let go a little bit for the time being. . I’m not saying that I don’t want us to speak or that I don’t want to be with you, just that I realize now the only thing I can do is leave you to sort stuff out for yourself. ,If you think you can, I would like to talk (not argue) on the phone or face to face. If not, all I’m asking is for a reply to this email…I think it will make things better to not feel so in “limbo” anymore."