Suggestions about NC

[EyesOnThePrize]

Okay, with my ex possibly moving up her move-out date by a month, it seems I may be going to NC sooner rather than later. So, while I have some ideas about the whole thing, I haven't done this before and was hoping for some input.

 

Right now, my ex drives much of the contact between us. I don't call her during the day, she does call me. Sometimes I take the call, sometimes I don't. If I don't, I'll generally just text her back something along the lines of "What's up? I was in a meeting" or "What's up? I was busy and couldn't take your call." When she was away at a convention last week, I told her I wouldn't be in touch, and she ends up calling me on Saturday. I don't know if this is part of a subconscious control thing on her part (she wants to keep me interested) or if she just misses me that much. One of the most confusing things to me is how she will call her new boyfriend for advice, and then call me to talk me about the same issue. In any case, she seems to drive most of the contact.

 

Where I have the contact is after we've had a long talk and I perceive that I did something invalidating or upsetting to her. Then I will send her either an e-mail or text message or three attempting to explain my position and apologizing for not understanding hers. She often doesn't respond to these. I've cut these down, and certainly not to zero. I believe that during NC, it will be easy enough to cut it to zero, because we won't be having these talks.

 

I believe that she will attempt to make contact with me within a week of being gone. I think it will happen after she settles into her new place, if only to tell me she's there safely, or to talk to me the first time something goes wrong with the new bf. Do you recommend that I just not take the call? What if she texts or e-mails me? Do you recommend that I acknowledge them or just ignore them? If she is doing this a lot, how long would you recommend before I can initiate contact?

 

I will have to have some LC with her because I have to send her alimony checks each month, and the amount is variable based on some information from her. I think I can ask her to just e-mail/fax me the information I need, and then just send her the check back in an envelope with no note, and what do you recommend if she asks me other things in the e-mail/fax.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Addicus]

Where I have the contact is after we've had a long talk and I perceive that I did something invalidating or upsetting to her. Then I will send her either an e-mail or text message or three attempting to explain my position and apologizing for not understanding hers. She often doesn't respond to these. I've cut these down, and certainly not to zero. I believe that during NC, it will be easy enough to cut it to zero, because we won't be having these talks.

 

Why do you think you have said something invalidating? If you are still in an emotional state...don't you think that you need NC to allow yourself to get centered? If you are not ready to talk then don't. Why spend your time apologising? It is hard to screw up if you don;t say anything at all!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Addicus - At this point, we're still living in the same house, and so we see each other at least briefly most days. She also keeps calling me for advice on various things. And, unfortunately, I still get sucked into some things as arguments and when I argue, I get invalidating. Just as a for-instance, we were talking Tuesday and she said something about our friendship being conditional. I snapped back about all the errands I run for her, and times I got of my way for her, etc., etc., while she does squat for me and that she had the gall to say that my friendship was conditional. Well, at the time, it made perfect sense to say what she said (I believe all people make sense all the time) and my retort totally invalidated what she said. Later, I sent her a long e-mail apologizing for the way I handled the conversation, and also covering some other issues.

 

Once she moves, I see no reason to take her calls, so I won't get into these arguments with her. And yes, I believe I need the NC to get centered. That's why when she told me she might be moving up her move-out date a month, I wasn't upset.

[LilBear]

I think she was probably just treating you as a friend, regarding asking you for advice on the same topics as she consulted her bf with.

 

I do believe there is some guilt on her part. You're a great person and she doesn't completely want you out of her life. Though not enough to want to be with you at this point. So join the NC party. Cheers.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Why does she need my advice when she's got him? That's what I don't understand. Maybe she does poll a dozen friends for everything. Heck, I guess that's what I'm doing here. My housemate says that maybe she asks him and he tells her what she wants to hear, and then she asks me and I tell her what she needs to hear. I suppose that could be true.

 

Yeah, when she moves, I'm joining NC. I was just wondering what I say when she drives off in the moving truck..."Have a nice life"? That sounds too harsh to me. I don't want to say anything like "I'll see you around" because I have no idea if I'll ever see her again. I'll probably tell her I love her (although I'm pretty sure she knows that) and to enjoy her trip and her new life in Texas. Kind of lousy last words, and I'm not really sure how else to put it.