Here's my situation

[EyesOnThePrize]

Okay, I popped on yesterday and replied in a bunch of threads, and decided I'd give you all an idea what's going on for me.

 

My ex-wife and I were married a bit over 7 years, together just over 9, and we've known each other 10 years or so. Although I'm considerably older than her (I'm 46, she's 30), I was her second husband, she was my first wife. Her first marriage lasted about 10 months, and I recall her telling me that she didn't even think she should have gone through with it, but "we had spent all the money and all of the people were there."

 

Anyway, on our 7th anniversary, she asks for the divorce. I don't think she did it on that day to be cruel, she asked then because we were leaving for a cruise that night and wanted to know if I still wanted her to go (I did, and we did). We had been having troubles for some time, which I believe were mostly because our communications had broken down. Honestly, I came close to asking for a divorce several times. However, I believe my ex is run by a huge fear of abandonment because of many childhood experiences, and I was determined (some might say arrogant) that I wasn't going to give in to that and "let it win." So, I think things turned into a power struggle. My ex said she was feeling very trapped in the marriage, and at her job. She was 30 and didn't have her bachelors degree, and thought she was always going to be a shadow of me and not her own person. I agreed to the divorce because I think I understood her position and also because she was exceptionally depressed, and she has a suicide attempt in her past and I think she was very close to the edge.

 

So, the divorce became final within a few weeks, as they can in Nevada when there are no kids and no real disputes over property. We are also still very close and love each other. In fact, for about a month and a half after we decided to split, she still stayed in the master bedroom with me. Eventually, though, mostly at my insistence, she moved into the guest room. She's there now, until she moves out of state in May.

 

She has a new boyfriend now. This is a guy she's been friendly with for a year and a half or more. I told her over a year ago that I thought he was after her, and she laughed it off as "no, he's just a friend." I believe her on that, because I think she was that naive as to his desires. In fact, they didn't start dating until after the divorce was final, and she seems to think his interest in actually dating her didn't start until then. I see it differently, and think that he encouraged the divorce (in the 2 days before she asked, they traded over 300 text messages) and was ready to pounce as soon as she announced it. I think she jumped into the relationship because of her abandonment issues, and while I don't want to invalidate their feelings for each other, I think this thing will crash and burn fairly quickly. Right now they know each other from lots of phone calls and internet chats, and from seeing each other at conventions (they are in the same industry) and now, more recently, some dating and time together. Its also all been long distance, so they haven't really done any day to day relationship things. He lives in Texas, and I've seen the lease for her new place (a 3 BR house) and it says that they are both on the lease. She insists that she's living here alone, because I presume she doesn't feel safe telling me the truth. She does say that "well, I may need to get a housemate to share expenses." At any rate, while this relationship bothers me at some levels, I do believe it will be short lived, and frankly I think that being dumped could be a huge learning experience for her if she chooses to treat it as such. While this guy's MySpace says that she is the world's best girlfriend (or words to that effect) and that its amazing how perfect they are for each other, when I see his interests, and from what little I know about him, there are some things that are likely to be a huge problem for her after the initial glow wears off. And that's her problem, not mine.

 

I am doing a lot of work on myself, because I understand how I contributed to the breakup. I think one of my ex's frustrations was that she thought I would never change. And the truth is, had I not gotten the wake-up call from the divorce, I might never have changed. I'm doing this work because I think some of these things aren't working well for me in my life and I want do do things right in my next relationship. That being said, I very much want to get back together with her, as underneath her baggage (and I think she has quite a bit of that) is the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life. Now, the "getting back together" would be conditional, because if she doesn't do some work on sorting out her baggage and getting rid of some of it, I don't see us being successful in another relationship.

 

I am finding it somewhat difficult to do this work on myself while she is living in the house, as I find her to be a distraction, and we keep getting back into some of the same arguments. I don't think I've had the time or space I need to heal and be able to put some of these things aside. I was very much pursuing her right after the divorce, and I think that may have actually pushed her more towards this new guy, and I think some of the arguments we still have do the same. After all, he's 1,200 miles away and doesn't have to deal with her day to day garbage. We have plenty of good conversations, too, its not like we argue all the time.

 

Several times I have suggested NC after she moves, and she has either threatened "If you don't have contact with me, I'll just write you out of my life. I'm not good at keeping up friendships" or said "No, that's not what I want! I just need a break from us!" or words to that effect. Evidence shows hat she wants the contact. I may have mentioned this in another thread, and she was at a convention last week and when she left, I said "Have a great time, I'll see you Monday at the airport" and had no intention of contacting her. Yet she calls me on Saturday, just to talk. I don't call her during the day anymore, yet she always calls me to let me know when she's coming home or to talk (I don't always take the calls anymore). We have an argument, and I get into a "I don't care if she doesn't talk to me until she leaves" mode, and 2 hours later she wants to have dinner with me. The other day she was dumping some problems on me and I said "You have a boyfriend for this now. These are the things you discuss with him, not me." Her response was "I already talked to him about it, I wanted to talk to you about it, too." So, my great fear was that going NC would mean I might never see her again (and I guess it still might) and it seems that she wants/needs the contact more than I do these days.

 

My intention is that when she moves, that things go to NC. It won't be able to do that totally, because I have to mail her an alimony check, and part of my alimony involves paying for part of her college education (she's ostensibly moving for school, not this guy) and I'll need to know how much to write. I suspect that she's going to find out quickly that life isn't so great without me being there for her all the time. And I'm ready for her to move. I want my space, I want to heal. If we're not going to ever be together, then let's get started on our new lives. If we are going to be back together in six months or a year or whatever, then lets get that clock started. I love this woman with all my heart, and right now I'm practicing "If you love someone, set her free" and I want her to find out what life is like without me.

 

I also don't plan to sit and be a monk while she figures out her life. While I in no way feel ready to date, I am not sitting at home night after night pining for her. Yeah, I love her, yeah, I miss her, yeah, part of me hates that she's with another guy, and those are all her choices. My job is to take care of me.

 

That's it in (what I think is a long) nutshell. There's plenty of other details, and I do tend to write a lot, so if anyone thinks I managed to miss some important details, let me know and I'll provide you what I can.

[Aschleigh]

Just a side note, if you are a visiter and you click on FINAL PRETTY QUICKLY you will get an advertisement for sterio equiptment or something on ebay.

Does it bother anyone else that the important words in your heart felt posts are bing used to sell stuff? Who is making money from this? Is the money being used to help people on here? WHo is making the money from these ads?

Do you want your enotalone posts to be used to sell things?

[EyesOnThePrize]

That "final pretty quickly" thing is news to me. I think I'll rearrange the words so that it (hopefully) gets rid of that.

 

Someone asked me in a PM, "Does she still love you?" During the process, and several times afterwards, she has told me she still loves me. In my mind, her actions seem to back this up. I think she is very confused, especially because I think she has feelings for two guys now (another reason I think that some distance between us is a good idea). Actually, she keeps telling me that she doesn't know if she's in love with this new guy, she's just happy right now. I don't think I mentioned it above, and I get lots of mixed messages from my ex.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Wow...I just had a 70 minute call with her that started out about a problem she was having with her health insurance that's a COBRA through me where apparently I have to get involved and went on to how she might not have enough money to move or she might have to drop a class to how I was going to miss her, and I still thought I needed a break from her. She said she thought this was "pushing her away" and how if I kept doing this, that she would just basically write me off. She also doesn't seem to get how seeing things about her and her new boyfriend might upset me. She's telling me how she has already been able to detach from the relationship. I basically said "Great, that's you. Its not me. You were the dumper, I was the dumpee. From what I've read and seen, its easier for the dumper to move on with things." I told her that if she felt she needed to cut me off completely, then that was fine with me. It would make it easier for me to fall out of love with her. I also said something along the lines of "Look, you've already replaced me. He's more important to you now." Again, I get the mixed message from her when she responds. "He's not more important than you, he's just important differently." I think I did my best to explain to her that I needed to take care of me, and that I thought that me being in love with her while she didn't feel the same way about me wasn't healthy for me.

 

She says that I'm the only friend that she can't tell happy things in her life. I told her "No, just where they involve your relationship with him." I also told her "You don't know that he's not going to come home drunk one night and beat you." Now, I have no reason to suspect he would, either, and I hope to God he never does, my point was just that she doesn't know because up until now they have had a long distance relationship. I told her I thought there was a huge difference between a long distance relationship and one where they are in the same city seeing each other all the time and interacting on a daily basis. She, not unexpectedly, told me how wrong she was, and how they were coming from a much more common background than she and I had (this is probably true) and how there was nothing to fear from him. This is when I told her that I could discuss my concerns about him with her, and that I didn't think she'd listen to them, so I wasn't going to waste my breath. I also told her that I hope for her sake that I'm 100% wrong about the guy, and that hes the greatest thing ever for her. And I said if that's the case, its even more reason for me to not be in love with her. I also told her that I wasn't planning on sitting at home waiting on her (I'm not) and that if we ever did get back together, that I thought we had a lot of work to do, because I don't want to repeat the last 3 years.

 

I still don't think she understands my position. I think she thinks its all about me pushing her away, not about me taking care of myself. In fact, I think she wants me to stay there as her fall back option, despite what she says. I Am fairly certain she wants me to be happy for her new relationship, and at some level I am. I'm hurt by it, and, as I think I've said before, if he's the perfect guy for her, great. I want her to be happy. I'm very marketable, and I'll find another woman. It won't be her, and I'm sure whomever I find will be great in her own right.

 

This talk again convinced me that NC is the way to go after she moves. The more I hear her talk about "not pushing her away" or "she'll cut me out", the more I get that she's afraid to not have me around. If this guy is right for her, then I think that NC lets me get over her faster. If he's wrong for her, then I think that NC lets her compare what she had with me to what she has with him.

[EyesOnThePrize]

So, last night she tells me that she may be moving up her moving out date by a month, which she seems not to want to do. She would have to drop the class she's taking, and she says that she won't be really able to say goodbye to her friends. Her main argument is that because she's paying rent on this place in Texas in April, that she can't afford to stay here because her April alimony payment is very small. Now, I don't see where her payment would change significantly if she moved, so I don't totally get her sense here. I give her some options, telling her I can front her some money and just reduce the next few alimony payments by what I front her, she rejects this. I even offer to let her new boyfriend stay on the futon at the house while he's helping her move so she doesn't have to put him up in a hotel to save her some money. She rejects this, too.

 

And when I say "she rejects this", I should add "at present." She may change her mind after having some time to think about it. She's away at another convention this weekend, although I think she went to it partially to spend more time with him. And, whatever reason, that's her issue, not mine.

 

Anyway, perhaps the "best" thing that happened was her telling me that she thinks I've changed and she doesn't know me any more. I think she's choosing to be upset because I'm telling her that if she needs to move early, I guess that's what she needs to do. I told her that I thought it would be nice to have her here the last month and it seemed clear that dropping her class wasn't what she wanted to do, and that if it meant we were getting on with our lives earlier, then I just guessed that's what it was. I also asked her if she understood that after she moves we may never see each other again in our lives.

 

I think its great that she notices the changes in me, and that I'm not reacting like I used to in the past. I think it makes sense to her to be confused by it now, and also it probably makes sense to her to be resentful of me right now. However, I think its important for her to learn to that I am not her servant anymore, and that if we are ever going to have a relationship again, it is going to be on different terms. Since I plan to go to no contact once she moves, this may only be the first shock to her system. She may find in a month or three months or whatever that she doesn't need me around and she doesn't miss me. And the same may happen for me. Or, she may find that not having me in her life is a huge void she never expected, and that her new boyfriend isn't filling that void the same way. And I think this is for the best. I think its time for her to grow up.

 

For me, I believe its time to grow out of love with her until she's ready to reciprocate those feelings again. I believe that she still loves me very much, its just buried under the resentment of the last couple of years, and the difficulties of the divorce and her move, which understandably seem to be very stressful to her. I think she's going to need some time to clear her head (as I believe I need time to clear mine) and all I want to do is start that time clock running. And I realize that she may never reciprocate the feelings again, so again it makes sense to me to start the "fall out of love" clock sooner rather than later. Although she doesn't admit it, I think she doesn't want me to fall out of love with her, because I think the prospect of not having me in her life scares her as much as the prospect of not having her in my life scares me.