Condom brought back memories

[jealous2003]

Hi everyone,

 

I have a little problem...again. Me and my boyfriend have been going really well for ages now, better than ever. The thing is, once, ages ago, I found a condom wrapper in his bed. We fought about it (we don't use condoms because I'm protected, don't want to get into that conversation!) because I knew he had a thing for another girl that he works with, and I thought he had cheated on me. He denied it but the jealousy got to the relationship and we broke up. 2 days later we were back together and everything has been great since then. He was so cut up that we had broken up that I started to think that even if he had cheared on me I didn't care, it hurts and everything, it's hard to explain how I felt really, but I took him back.

 

Anyway he got a new bed delivered yesterday and I cleared out all the rubbish behing his old bed, while I was clearing it up I found another condom wrapper. I know it's not recent because he simply doesn't have the time to cheat! I know he's not cheating now, I don't doubt that for a second. But it just brought back memories and started me thinking that one could be a mistake but 2?! There was this one time we broke up and on the rebound he got with this girl for about a week, but he claims he never slept with her and she says the same, but they could be lying (they have reason to). I don't know what I'm trying to say really but I think it's pretty obvious that he's slept with someone else in the past. Be it while we were together or while we were split up. It is just hurting me so much everytime I think about it.

 

When I found the wrapper I hid it and threw it away and didn't say anything. I didn't want to bring the whole thing up again. Like I said I know he's not cheating now, and things are going so well, it just hurts so much to know that he's done something.

 

How can I get thins out of my head?

[akatoro]

Hey there.

I am sorry to hear that jealousy got the better part of you. But what are one supposed to think in situations like these?

 

Perhaps he only had the condom while masturbating. It feels kinda nice X)

 

And I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you on how to handle this.. I guess communication is the best way. Would you want to spend several years with him always thinking back on those wrappers?

 

Good luck to you

[Genesis]

Sweet heart you know he is cheating on you now, in the past, what ever he still cheated. Do not be in denial. Love yourself enough to let him go if you can not trust him anymore. You can do bad all by yourself.

 

AIDS/HIV or any other STD are not worth the risk of keeping him. You do not know if he is using a condom all the time anyway. Please leave with pride and dignity and drop him.

 

It looks as if he has no RESPECT for you. Do not let a man like this ruin your self esteem and make you second guess him all the time. It is your choice if you want to stay of leave but, just remember that most cheaters continue their behavior.

 

"He had a condom on when masturbating" , please do not fall for that BS, no man would do that and if he would then he is lying.

 

Keep an eye on him he sounds like dog , who will do this again. You should drop him and get a new BF.

[sphinx999]

He could have use a condom for a rich mans w*** but its highly unlikely coz most lads hate i9t and dont care what sort of mess they make. You could always start a convo about it somehow and find out whether he does before jumping to conclusions, then if he does forget it but if he doesnt give him all hell. No guy has the right to hurt you or use you like that.

good luck

sphinx xx

[sisterlynch]

I think that the two of you are covering over your emotions too much. There is something that his isn't telling you. Like where are the rest of the condoms, how many has he used and what for....these are the questions that you need to have answered. Don't make it a one strike and you are out rule -- like some of the others "mistakenly" tell you to do.

 

If you want to stay with this man, you've got to be able to listen to the difficult words that he'll have to go to to explain why he has these condom wrappers all over the room.

 

He is obviously asking for help by leaving them out for you to find....or like someone else said maybe it is all a game to him of hide and go seek!

[akatoro]

Yeah, hey again.

 

I guess I'm thinking about how or perhaps, where, to place Genesis note.

Please remember, Jealous; That we do not know your boyfriend and thus we cannot tell you how to handle this situation. We can only pass along advice from our own experiences. But think it through both once and thrice before, or even if, you dump him. Because reading your note, I feel that communication is lacking. And if he wants to break up with you again because of a just question - you are prolly better off without him.

 

And

"He had a condom on when masturbating" , please do not fall for that BS, no man would do that and if he would then he is lying.

sounds sexist, Mr or Mrs allknowing.

 

Good luck!

[Genesis]

From what I know of grown men over the age of 20, why waste a condom to masturbate, it does not make sense at all. What is the purpose to use a condom when doing that? If most men wish that they did not have to wear a condom due to STD's and having an unwanted baby, why would they use a condom when they are alone to masturbate?

 

There is an old well known joke that says when your man tells you he wears condoms to masturbate, and the condoms you and your BF use are missing , your boyfriend is probably cheating on you!! I hope someone did not use that line on you..... The better lie would be I gave them to my friends.....

 

To the original poster, yes you do need to talk to your man, but if he is sleeping around he must not have much respect or care for your relationship. You already know that he is cheated before, so what are you going do now is the questions. Can you trust him? I know of women who have gotten an STD for trying to keep cheating men. Your health should be your number one thought right now. If you do stay with him, MAKE HIM START WEARING CONDOMS, DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE AT RISK FOR THIS MAN.

 

If you are with a man who cheats or has cheated in the past you need to use additional birth control. Being on the pill or whatever is not enough, if you stay with a cheating man.

[Ash]

The questions she asked is how can she move past the earlier memories she had of this.

 

It's hard to forget things that have hurt us. I'm sure all the posters to this thread so far have had something in the past very painful happen to them, and they have difficulty forgetting.

 

I can think of two basic ways. Deal with it head on again (it sounds like you don't want to). Or try to justify in your own mind and convince yourself that it's not an issue any more. You seem quite sure that he isn't cheating now, and hasn't for quite some time. If he did sleep with somebody else in the short time he was apart from you, he may be very reluctant to admit that as there's somewhat of a fine line between what's acceptable and what's not when relationships flip flop back and forth.

 

I would think that unless you do have a reason to start being untruthful, that you simply pass it off as an odd occurrence. Even if there was something in the past, it is possible to forgive and forget. I've done it. Sometimes we have to, because what we've got is so much more valuable than what we stand to lose. So let yourself forgive and forget, without even having to involve him in the process if you can.

 

Think of where you are now with him. I think you're happy with him in the present. Let those feelings carry you into the future. If you have something special to you now, then keep it.

It seems like some of you are jumping to some conclusions here, and I really don't know if that's addressing the original reason for the post.

 

Jealous2003 told us:

I know it's not recent because he simply doesn't have the time to cheat! I know he's not cheating now, I don't doubt that for a second.

Let's take her at her word, and not say we think she's in denial or lying. I can think of a few reason why condom wrappers may be around, and without knowing the truth we can only guess. For example, we don't have any idea if somebody else could have used that bed. And wearing one to masturbate is not something that many guys haven't done. Prying two people apart who are currently not having any issue, or mistrust is really not something we should be engaging in.

[Genesis]

I do not think any one wants to break them up, they just want her to know all sides. My only concern is that she said that they do not use condoms when having sex. My brother is a doctor and he sees so many young men and women who do not use protection and they are getting STD's. If she is with a man who has cheated on her before and they do not use protection, this IS something she should be concerned about. Only in time will she be able to tell what is really going on with him, good or bad.

[frenchie]

Sweetie sorry to be harsh but if you found condom wrappers in his bed not just once but twice and you are not using condoms with hin but Ill get on to that in a minute then believe me when I say that sure as hell he is or has cheated on you!

If this is so and you are happy to continue sleeping with him then please please start using condoms if he is prepared to use them with someone else then you need to think about how much he respects you and your sexual health, an HIV test is not fun by any stretch of the imagination but for your piece of mind and maybe as a way to get you to comprehend the seriousness of his behaviour and the implications it maight be a good thing. As Genesis says is this man really worth considering risking your life for, if you can really forgive and forget then fair dos but look at the facts he has cheated on you not once but twice this means he has also lied to you twice and whos to say he wont do it again after all you keep having him back, by the way Ive never ever heard of a man using a condom to masterbate with!

[sisterlynch]

So what if the guy likes to masturbate with a condom on, why should that mean that he is cheating, maybe he just likes doing it that way, how can we judge him? We all know what is in our own heart, we absolutely don't know what is in anyone else's heart. I think if he were really cheating -- then she would know in her heart that it was so!! WE all have the internal voice that tells us when someone is cheating. The condoms probably would be disposed of properly if he were really cheating, besides, why would he cheat on her, she seems like a very nice and respectful person, so he would be wrong to cheat! Besides that if she forgave him once, of course she is still going to be wary of what else he might do. So for anyone to say any different, it would be very bad. When people feel vulnerable it is very touchy indeed. In a "liberal" country, which I hope that this is, we accept behavior based upon how close it is to normal, since when we masturbate, we do so alone, how can others judge it to be either good or evil??

[Genesis]

Yes, she is a nice girl, but that has nothing to do with being cheated on. Cheaters are only thinking about their own interests not the person they are cheating on. Nothing in this world is for sure.

 

Yes, he may do that, but most men do not use condoms for that. There are many women and men who have been cheated on, who do not know. My point is she needs to get to the bottom of this, because gambling with your health is not wise. Many men and women lie, to cover their tracks when cheating. Some cheaters want the other person to find out so they leave clues, or they are just to dumb and lazy to cover their tracks.

Love is blind and many people stay with cheaters even when they know they are no good for them.

 

If he is worth, I hope that she can get over this. I hope he is not cheating,but just using condoms to masturbate with. weird