how to handle my friend?

[funkless]

One of my close friends has been dumped by her bf of over a year. He seems to be going fine without her but she on the otherhand, is suffering terribly. She wants him back and I don't think she has accepted the fact it's over and so she sits and hopes and cries over it. It's been 2 months and she's asked me to ask him (her bf) why he isn't talking. I did and he just shrugged his shoulders, feeling fustrated I dissed him and he snickered at me. Now she wishes to hack into her ex's email, hoping maybe he still remembers her, thinks about her but I doubt personally there is going to be anything in it beside a bunch of forwards and other regular email junk. But she also wants to get over him. One of my other friend suggested she tries too hard to get over him, you don't try, you simply face these emotions and try to keep going with resolve.

 

Another thing is that her situation is a mirror image of what I was like only a few months ago- I posted stuff about my own problem here- well that got sorted out. Anyway, I feel that when I asked him and hacking into his email- is this normal? I don't know- besides possibly breaking privacy laws. At the time I liked my guy I eventually got into his email because I so desperately hoped he thought about me. I obviously wasn't thinking straight. However, in his email I didn't find nothing and somehow that relieved me- I actually started to grow on from this point of liking him to now only occasionally thinking about him. What should I do for my friend? She's driving everyone else insane (as I did too) and because I kinda went through what she went I seem to be only patient person around. Should I just leave her on her own? I'm very confused and I don't want her being too emotionally screwed over by her ex or being too dependant on people.

[Cid]

Sit her down and say that doing what she is doing will not change a thing becouse it will not. Some times we must move on from someone that we love. It is hard but we must do it. Tell her how you got through it. Set her up on some dats try to take her mind of him. Well I hope that this helps.

[buffalosoldier]

One thing i will say is dont get annoyed at her. You are doing well to have been there for her so well done to you!! I am currently in a similar position with my friend, and as an outsider it is much easier to see the truth of their situation and face facts than it is for them. You just have to be there for her,but at the same time i dont think she should drag you into it by asking you to speak to her ex. Granted,shes probably not thinking straight at the moment and you have to allow for this,but you also need to have your limits.

 

Wherever possible,try not to bring up the subject of her ex. If she wants to talk about it,then fine,but dont bring him up yourself,otherwise she will think that you want to talk about it and will think it is ok for her ex to be the only subject of your conversation.And it isnt.Im sure you have your own problems too, and other things that you need your friend for. I find it hard to hold back from saying to my friend 'Just wake up and smell the coffee girl!' as i often want to, to try and get things through to her.But as you and i both know,it is hard when you are going through a break up, and sometimes you get desperate. Your friend needs to sort her feelings out on her own unfortunately.In this love situation,there is not much else you can do besides be there for her,other than that she needs to work through it and get over him on her own,you cannot do this for her.

 

''There is no court or justice system when it comes to love''

 

This quote rang a bell with me once,because its true.

 

Whatever happens,happens. Try to get her out doing other things though,its ok for her to wallow in it for a while,but if she doesnt get a push to start living again,who knows when she'll pull herself out of her saddness.

 

I wouldnt encourage the whole ''hacking into the email''. It MIGHT provide short term happiness if she doesnt find anything,but then again,what if she does? Her pain will be doubled and she will wish she'd never known.Either way hacking into his email account is going to leave more questions unanswered for her, and in the end unfortunately,it is none of her business what her ex does now and he has the right to privacy.

 

I wish you and your friend luck.

[The Morrigan]

You're a good friend to stick with her when she's going through this; I know the stage when logic and reason seem to be the least available commodities it can be really frustrating.

 

Unfortunately, for a varying amount of time after being left, as you know, it's pretty much normal.

 

It sounds like you're doing what you can - listen when she talks, even if you've heard it all before, she needs to vent it to an open ear. Since you've just been through this yourself, trust your instincts when to be sympathetic and offer a shoulder, and when to give her a gentle reality check, and when she might be open to doing something for distraction. There's really nothing better than being able to understand because she knows you've been there from her point of view.

 

I'd discourage the email thing - as long as he's not interested in getting back together with her, even if he has written about her, it's not going to make her feel any better. And if there's nothing there, it's probably something she's going to feel bad about herself for later on.