Not sure how to deal with this.

[cs90453]

I have been with my wife for almost 14 years, married for over 5 of them. We have been trying to have children since we were married with no success. We have both been tested and both check out OK. We both wanted children but her feelings are far stronger than mine. In fact, I have been ready to throw in the towel on it for some time now but kept trying because it meant so much to her. Now I dread it when our friends or someone she knows gets pregnant because I am concerned with how she takes it. She suddenly gets determined to try harder and I get dragged into this.

 

Last year, I found out that she was having an affair and I was devastated. I still don't feel the urge to have children, I guess from the fact that I'm trying to regain some stability in our relationship and I don't feel that a child is going to help that either. So now she's really pushing me with the issue that she really wants to try. My feelings on the issue is to stick to my guns and if she is giving me the impression that it's baby or highway I should let her go. Am I being too cautious? I really don't want to punish her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i don't think you should consider a child if you are not sure you will stay with the marriage. it complicates things rather than improves them. Does she really want to be married to you, or just feels this is her last chance to have a baby, so is pushing for it now, and may leave you if she does get pregnant.

 

But avoiding getting pregnant isn't solving any problems either... you need to work to resolve the affair she had, and whether you are really committed to staying with her or not. Work on the marriage first, and then if the marriage is strong and something you both want to stay in, then consider having the baby.

[Enigmatika]

Last year, I found out that she was having an affair and I was devastated.

Now...? She still wants a baby with you? I see a trap. She gets to have baby and affair and you get to pay for it.

My feelings on the issue is to stick to my guns and if she is giving me the impression that it's baby or highway I should let her go. Am I being too cautious?

Send her on the highway if she continues to push...how disrespectful of her given the circumstances!

 

Seems she is the one having trouble conceiving as well as trouble with Monogamy.

 

14 years and married for over 5? Married for less than 5...

 

5 years trying to conceive and cheating on the side..."nice"

 

 

I am female...but I'd get rid of her if she were my 'wife.'

[Aschleigh]

As a women who is very intent on becoming a mom. I know that I would not give that up regardless of what my partner thought.

Did you know before you were married that she intened to have kids?

Then this is no surprise, she still wants kids.

Talk to her. First figure out if you want to be in this marriage and have kids with this women, if you don't , let her go.

She may be different, but I know that I would still pursue having kids no matter what became of my relationship.

[cs90453]

Thanks for your comments. I always knew that she did want to have kids and so did I so there was never an issue. But I guess that we never got into the details of how far we would take it. I've decided that it may never happen and always felt that we would be happy together. It's been difficult for both of us that we have had no success with having a child. We even went on the adoption list years ago, anticipating that we may not have one of our own. My wife on the other hand, has more difficulty with letting go of the idea. We've talked about it many times in the past and I have tried my best to understand what she's going through. I've told her that I love her with or without kids and that together we will get through this. But then she had this affair and then things changed for me. I still love her and care about her but needless to say, my feelings aren't as strong as before. I guess alot of it is from the fact that my marriage dosen't feel as secure as before. I'm not doing this to punish her in any way. I'm simply saying that I don't feel comfortable with the situation enough to bring a child into this. These feelings may change and I hope that they do since that this could be my last chance at having a child of my own.

 

BTW - I found out about the affair a year ago and we went to councilling for about six to seven months so It's been six months dealing with this myself I guess. We've been married for almost six years now this year.

[Aschleigh]

I don't know what your wife is thinking, but I know that I would never "let go" of the idea of having children. How far will she take it? As far as she needs to go until she is holding her child in her arms.

Your relationship still needs repair and securing. That's a separate issue from the children issue.

Just because you can " let go" of having kids, doesn't mean she ever will, with or without you. If she is set on becoming a mom ( as she seems to ) she will go where she needs to go with that. Your decision is if you go there with her or not.

[Aschleigh]

Also why would this be your last chance at having a kid?

You may get divorced and remarried more than once. You can father children practically all your life, you are a man.

If /when you find the person you want to have kids with you can do that well into your 70's.

This is not your last chance by any means.

[cs90453]

I seem to have struck a nerve. If I did, I apologise for that. What I meant was that I don't want to be in my 50's and have a child. I married my wife because I love her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, no conditions except that we both love each other and stay committed. I have done this, she hasn't and now there's a condition to staying together, after all that's happened. I wanted a child and I wanted to have one with her. I have nephews and nieces and I love them dearly. I try to spend time with all of them whenever I can. I know that I would make a good father and my wife would make a wonderful mother. I don't understand how some people can have children so easy and I feel for my wife...I really do. I would have moved mountains for us to have children in the past, but now I just don't feel that strongly.

[PocoDiablo]

You didn't say this, but I assume you have tried a pregnancy expert or other techniques such as invitro?

[Aschleigh]

That's ok if you struck a nerve in me, I am not offended in the least.

I think it's fine if you don't feel that strongly about kids, as long as you accept and support your wife in her very strong feelings about having kids.

I actually don't think this is much about having kids at all. I think it is about the relationship itself. And the kid thing is a symptom.

Do you feel like your marriage could use more counseling before addressing the kid issues again? Why did you stop the counseling?

Does your wife take full responsibility for the cheating and the consequnces of it? Maybe you are still not over the infidelity yet and that you are still need healing from that?

Maybe your relationship isn't on sure footing enough to support another whole person into the mix, one with lots of needs and wants. LOTS!

Can you tell your wife all that you;ve told us here and see what she says and get back in counseling if you want to?

[cs90453]

Well we did have a discussion and I thought that I was being reasonable. I was asking her if she needs a child in order to stay in this marriage. She said that she feels like we're coasting in this relationship and that she expects us to do whatever is necessary to get a child. So I told her that I understand this but I don't feel comfortable with all the procedures. I read on some of these and the invitro process seems like there's alot of risks. Not the money thing, just concern about what we would go through if it fails or worse yet, loose a baby and there are considerable risks. It scares me to go that far. We've tried the insemination procedure three times already with no success. I told her that my feelings has changed in the last year and she understands but feels that she can't stay in a marriage without trying. So here we are, an empass. So I guess now she knows how I feel and that's all I can do. The next move is her's.

[PocoDiablo]

Sounds like the next move is yours.

 

My brother-in-law had the same problem. They did invitro, and after a year of trying they had twins. Great kids, totally worth it to them.

 

It occurs to me that she may see you as a quitter, and considering how important this is to her I would suggest you make super-human effort to get there. If you don't she may decide to look elsewhere again.

 

By the way, what happened with the whole cheating thing? To me it seems that this may be an issue that you're holding against her. Do you think you don't want to have kids with her because of this?

[Enigmatika]

She said that she feels like we're coasting in this relationship and that she expects us to do whatever is necessary to get a child.

...??? Maybe her cheating should be a sign something is amiss with her priorities.

I told her that my feelings has changed in the last year and she understands but feels that she can't stay in a marriage without trying. So here we are, an empass. So I guess now she knows how I feel and that's all I can do.

Of course Feelings have changed. You were Betrayed!

Question: Do you still Love her? Or is it a holding pattern at present?

 

It seems that you are downplaying your Feelings on her cheating, in order to appease her need to have a child. This is not fair to you at all.

 

I really wonder what her reaction would be to you simply dropping the ball and letting her go. painful to you of course...but good grief, she was cheating on you, and still wanting a baby...was she trying for another method of insemination at that time? Had she conceived while cheating on you...would she have TOLD you?

[cs90453]

Thanks for the input everyone. In response, I have researched the invitro and the success rate isn't that good and I'm not sure how we would take it if it didn't work or worse, not have a successful birth. You're right, I'm not completely over the affair but it's getting better every day...at least it was. But I feel that I'm being pressured to move quicker than I am able to. This makes me feel that I'm being cornered here and I don't like that feeling at all. I've tried to reach a compromise with this issue but she dosen't want to budge and instead giving me an ultimatum. I married my wife with no conditions. I never dreamed that we would have no success with having children and it pains me to not have children, especially for her. But I'm frustrated that it hasn't happened and it seems like it's so tough to get past this. I've given her support for anything she wanted to try and this is the first time I have had any objecction to anything. I married her for her, not what she could give me.

[Aschleigh]

Only judging by your responses here, you seem to be taking this very passively.

Have you worked through the cheating in your marriage?

Do you want to have kids, or can you support your wife in all that it takes to have children?

What if she cheats again, are you worried about that at all?

I don't see any evidence of being upset or have strong feelings about what you want.

Can you say strongly this is what I want to happen, This is what I am willing to give in trying to make that come about?

[cs90453]

The truth is no, I'm not completely over it. I am afraid that she's going to do it again sometimes. I don't think about it as much as I used to but I still do. Forgiving is one thing, forgetting is another. I seem passive about things because I don't seem to feel much of anything. I was crushed when I found out and thought my whole world was falling apart. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and move on but she dosen't want to give me anymore time I guess so that's why she gave me the choice. I love my wife and I am willing to put in 110% to get past this but then there's the agenda. The situation has changed, I didn't change it but I have to face it because it affects me too. I'm just trying to gather my thoughts and find a way through this. I don't need anyone pushing me because they want me to get past things faster than I can cope.

[Aschleigh]

ok I understand. You are still at the healing , coping with infidelity stage and she wants to be over it to the let's make a baby stage.

I would be angry frankly that my wife cheated on me and then is not really dealing with it and my needs first, before bring a baby into this situation.

Can you tell your wife, I don't think we are comepletely recovered from the infidelity yet, we are not ready for a baby.

Your passivity may create more problems that you know. I was with a passive-aggressive man for a year and it was awful. I don't know if you are passive-aggressive, google it and see if it fits. Or ask your wife if she thinks you are passive-aggressive.

You may be dragging your feet on the baby thing to unconsciously make a point about your anger over the infidelity. You may not be aware of how angry and scared you still are about her cheating. This is a women who had sex with someone else that you, now says you are coasting and wants a baby with you right now? I think she may be using you for the sperm.

What exactly did you two do to work through the cheating? Couples Counseling? Is she

apologetic ? Did the cheating end because she got dumped by the other guy or was it a fling ? What is going on here?