does he want me back? should i bring it up?

[abnyc]

Hey guys, new to this board. (longish, but i need your advice).

 

So my ex broke up with me in late august of last year. We had been going out about 2 years and living together for a year and a half. We had a great life with lots of love, a wonderful apt, and good friends.

 

He brought up marriage very early on in the realtinoship (about 3 months in), and actually got me a "placeholder ring" and started to talk dates and timeframes. Of course i was estatic, i loved him so very much and still believe he is my soul mate. (i know, sappy, but true).

 

In any case after talking so much about marriage and even looking at rings the topic suddenly fell off the table around month 7. I can't even tell you why, but suddenly we wern't talking about it anymore. I let it go thinking that his silence meant he was going to propose. At about a few months after the year mark, i brought it up (it was right before xmas), jokingly, saying that i should get my nails done for xmas with his family upstate. He freaked out at me saying "how could i think he's ready to get married") !?!! At this point we were 28 and 27, have great jobs and are living together. how would i think we wern't on that path!?!

 

I was hurt but let it go for the time being. His dad sadly died a few months after xmas. My ex was devestated and i was left trying to help him grieve at home. 6 Months after his dad's death i thought i had been enough time to at least ask where our relatinoship was headed (since we were about to celebrate our 2 year mark). He again freaked out and we had a huge blowout. To boot, a few weeks later 2 of my best friends were engaged to men they had been dating less than 8 months. Then one of his best friends proposed to his gf of only 1 year. To put it lightly, I was crushed. I coudln't understand why my guy was stalling. it killed my self confidence and made me depressed. A few weeks later he came home from work and ended it, saying that "he couldn't make me happy anymore" and that "he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, or if he wanted to marry anyone".

 

I moved out and we had about a month of heated agruments via email and on the phone. i then went NC and started dating (or trying to). I actually dated one guy for almost 3 months, but when it started getting serious broke it off because if just made me miss my ex more.

 

Then about a month ago we started IM'ing. it was shocking at first that we could even be civil, but we did. Its actually been great. We have not talked about "us" at all. Its all very surfacey. 2 Weeks ago we met up for an afternoon under the pretense that he was dropping off the rest of my books from our old apartment. It was great and I couldn't get rid of him. Now we are still IM'ing daily but he hasn't asked to hang out again and i am confused. Does he just want to be friends? Why bother since we had no contact for 5 months unless he's interested? Is he stalling becasue he knows that if we get back togetehr marriage will be expected down the line? Is it my place to bring it up even though I'm the dumpee? advice please, i still love him and don't know what to do.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like he is one of those kind of men that does the whole "you are the love of my life and I can really see us married" early on in the relationship which gives the woman a false sense of security. Those are typical lines some men give to get the woman hooked...and it worked...within 6 months you had moved in together....that's it...mission accomplished...now he gets to play house without actually having to do it legally and before the eyes of family and friends. Why would he want to ruin a good thing for himself. He is a textbook case. I would also say that you are rather quick to jump in without thinking...you got caught up in his whirlwind..then when things ended, you immediately jumped into the next relationship and totally trounced on that guy's feelings. If I were you I would proceed with caution this time around. I would suggest you wait and see what he is going to do...and don't get yourself caught up in any grand declarations from him...if he has learned anything from the last time it will be to take things at a slower pace and let things build gradually rather than full speed ahead. I would also recommend that you too take things slowly. Let him guide the process since he was the dumper.

[abnyc]

i am just tired. we've been apart almost 7 months and i just want to know if he's serious about trying again or yanking my chain.

[lady00]

Better question: Why do you want him? I mean that in a very serious way...this is something to really think long and hard about if you're going to suggest it to him. I think the reasons I would be hesitant to reconcile if I were you are: it does not sound like he wants to marry you. After a point, he just stopped talking about it, you brought it up and he flipped out over it--twice. This does not sound like a man who is in a place to give you the type of relationship you're seeking.

[stickman]

Sorry to hear of your problem.

 

I agree with Lady00.

 

Motivation has to come from within ourselves. It's free will.....with all things that work.

 

Sure...There is pressure to hurry up and get married because everyone else is. I say...So what! That does not mean it will last for those that do. And then people think that having a baby will make it better....that just adds to the stress.

 

T A K E Y O U R T I M E

 

You have plenty of time to meet the right one. And when you do, you will both know it. REAL love does not need convincing.