What the hell is his damage?

[Empathy]

So, the bf and I have been fighting all weekend. 3 long fights in total. Just about 30 minutes ago he yells at the top of his lungs at me (keep in mind that I'm being COMPLETELY civil, not even raising my voice. All I was doing was asking him questions. I swear.) and even spits on me b/c he's yelling so angrily (He didn't spit on me intentionally. It was a "say it don't spray it" kind of thing). He yelled "You're the one who started all of these piece of fights this weekend! Every last one of them has been YOUR fault!" Then he walks out to go play his damn game that he's been playing ALL DAMN WEEK. Of course I'm frustrated, hurt, and angry now so I started crying. He hears me crying about 10 minutes later, comes into the room and nicely says "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Ummm...Did I miss something here or did you not just scream in my face and tell me everything was my fault and then leave me here hurt so you can play your damn game for a few more HOURS? What the hell is wrong with him? He always does crap like this. Gets out of hand and when I get hurt he asks me what's wrong!? Jee! I can only imagine!!!!!

[simply complicated]

This goes for all women out there looking for a quick laugh or smile, could you imagine for once, your boyfriend running out of the room crying and you calmly walk after him saying "what did I say"..lol..just that thought alone should make any girl smile.

 

But seriously now, : ) I think, or more surely know, the he knew exactly why your were crying, just throws the "whats wrong" at you to give the impression that he's concerned. I do give you alot of credit for remaining civil while he yelled in your face.

So were there any happy endings after he asked you what was wrong?

[Brittney2008]

Reading your post I was instantly reminded of the movie 'Stepmom' with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. Specifically the part where Anna keeps calling her fathers house and since Isabelle answers the phone she doesn't say anything and hangs up. On her about 5th phone call Isabelle says 'what's your problem ***hole?' to which Anna replys 'you are my problem'.

 

Sorry for that little side note. Explain to him that when you cry like that its because he has hurt your feelings and that your fight needs to be resolved then and there and not just ignored. That's probably why your having so many. The fact that each one isn't resolved.

[Empathy]

This goes for all women out there looking for a quick laugh or smile, could you imagine for once, your boyfriend running out of the room crying and you calmly walk after him saying "what did I say"..lol..just that thought alone should make any girl smile.

 

But seriously now, : ) I think, or more surely know, the he knew exactly why your were crying, just throws the "whats wrong" at you to give the impression that he's concerned. I do give you alot of credit for remaining civil while he yelled in your face.

So were there any happy endings after he asked you what was wrong?

 

 

No. No happy endings. He came back in the room about 10 minutes ago and when he saw that I was in a foul mood started screaming at me again and stormed out. He left to go somewhere I don't know and I'm just so frustrated. He thinks he's doing no wrong. He truly believes this.

[simply complicated]

No. No happy endings. He came back in the room about 10 minutes ago and when he saw that I was in a foul mood started screaming at me again and stormed out. He left to go somewhere I don't know and I'm just so frustrated. He thinks he's doing no wrong. He truly believes this.

 

I don't know how you could put up with that kind of nonsense all the time. but like Brittney said, if you leave fights unresolved, then it carries on to the next day, and day after etc, until the next argument occurs, you should really tell him how rediculous he's acting and how the shouting has to stop. I know this may sound a little out there, but if he knows that he can get away with yelling at you, then in time, who knows what else he'll think he can get away with doing to you. I know it sounds like a bit much, but i've heard of verbal abuse excalating to other forms of abuse, just a thought, either way, if thats the case or not, no one should have to put up with that crap.

[JadedStar]

I suggest to try NOT to cry, that really won't help, but instead don't say a word while he yells...refuse to say anything, and when things have calmed down tell him you would like to have a rational conversation and would like to know why he disrespected you that way, and that you are not going to stay in a relationship like this.

 

I promise you if you handle it like this, you WILL get his attention.

 

It is hard for women to not get emotional but once you learn how to not do it and stick to facts (men usually respect facts over emotion) and let him know you are OUT if this continues i bet he will listen and if he does not want to lose you will at least try to make changes.

[maegkitty]

I guess there isn't much I can say to help you in this situation, but I can tell you I have been through it many times with my bf. It all depends what questions you were asking him and were these questions causing the fights all weekend? You might want to think about how these questions were making him so umcomfortable that he would respond that way. Are they serious or just little things. If there serious then I would be worried he's hiding something. Remember anger is not a primary feeling, fear causes anger, so what is he afraid to tell you. He's blaming you for the fighting but is it because he's ashamed of something and by blaming you he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself? I don't know just some stuff to think about.

[maegkitty]

I have had similar problems with my bf and from the info you gave I don't know if this will help,but I do relate. I guess first of all were the questions you were asking him serious or just little things? If they were serious then remember that anger is not a primary feeling and that fear causes anger. Is it possible that the questions you were asking were making him so uncomfortable and scared to answer that he responded with anger? If he's blamming you then is he ashamed to tell you something? Usually when people blame others it's because they are afraid to take up for their own actions. I wouldn't let him take control of this by yelling at you and then going back to his games to ignore you while you cry. Then he has the nerve to come in and ask whats wrong. I am just wondering what this guy did that he's hiding. Be careful.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is the dynamic here... when he realizes he's not 'winning' the fight, he starts yelling to intimidate you and get his own way. Then after he's 'scored' and bullied you into tears and submission, he stalks out.

 

Then later, he pretends like he's not the one to drive you to tears with the 'what's wrong' question. then when you don't immediately make up with him and make nice nice, he starts the yelling and intimidation again.

 

So the first thing you need to do is not play this game. Don't let him yell at you or intimidate you, nor drive you to tears. If he escalates to screaming or being nasty, just immediately stand up and walk out of the room. tell him you refuse to discuss anything with him when he is irrational. leave him standing there scratching his own mad spot, alone. he has to learn that you won't put up with that.

 

later when he cools down, bring up the original issue and ask him if he's ready to talk about it civilly now. if not, get up and leave again. just break and the dynamic and refuse to put up with it, and don't let him get away with NOT discussing it rationally either.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

actually, re: what maegkitty said, fear is not the only cause of anger... so don't assume that fear is driving this... could be selfishness, desire to punish you, desire to win etc. anger, or more accurately displays of anger and yelling, can also be very manipulative and controlling behavior that isn't fear based.. blasting you with anger intimidates you, and he wins. he may have learned this at a young age, watching the dynamics of his own parents.

[maegkitty]

People who are using anger to control a situation are afraid of losing control. desire to win, fear of losing. Sorry to say but think about controlling people they are some of the most fear based acting people ever!

[pink1607307777]

he is verbally abusing you

[CallingAllAngels]

I'm so sorry for this...I "danced this little dance" with my husband to varying degrees for many years.

 

You don't recognize it when you are in it, but this is abuse.

 

A man (or a woman) that gets in your face and yells at the top of your lungs to the point where their spit is flying in your face, well, that's verbal abuse.

 

I know the word "abuse" gets thrown around alot in our society, but the fact that he then comes in and asks "what's wrong" is a sure sign. What do you mean "what's wrong". My husband used to ask that all the time. Oh Jeez...I dunno...maybe because you just backed me in a corner....were in such a rage I wasn't sure if you were gonna "snap" or not...called me every name in the book...swore at me and completely disrespected me???

 

KNOW one thing...this type of behavior ESCALATES.

 

Please be careful.

 

Talk to someone about this.

 

You will probably find it getting worse and worse.

 

Know that it is NOT you...and you cannot "fix" him. You should do all you can do to "not escalate" things of this nature. I have seen my husband go from a 1 to a 10 in seconds.

 

I predict (yes, I can always be wrong) but this man COULD start throwing things (not at you, but accross the room) and punching walls, kicking doors, etc.

 

They don't always have to hit you to be abusive.

 

Anything that hurts your soul is abuse.

 

Keep it in mind and be safe.

 

~Allie

[Empathy]

 

I predict (yes, I can always be wrong) but this man COULD start throwing things (not at you, but accross the room) and punching walls, kicking doors, etc.

 

 

 

Ummm....He already does this...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

abuse is a progression... it usually starts with verbal abuse, progresses to attacking objects (throwing/breaking things), then the next step is attacking you... shoving, pushing, slapping, then punches, strangling, kicking.

 

you see this coming i hope. please see it and BELIEVE it and get out before it gets that far. Some men can learn to stop the abuse, but most abuses don't want to learn to stop it... they feel justified in that behavior and that that is how women should be treated. You don't want to be treated this way, so don't let him.

[sparrow]

How often does he do this, lose his temper in this way and start yelling or being aggressive? I know people have different "fighting" styles, but this is obviously some sort of learned behavior that he is modelling. If this is always the way he's been, then this is a learned behavior situation. If this is a more recent development, something else could be going on that he's not telling you. What is going on in his life right now? Does he feel guilty about something? Is he depressed?

 

If he throws stuff as a result of fights with you, this is completely unhealthy and he has anger management issues. I know this is hard, but I would suggest you tell him firmly and calmly, that you will leave him if this behavior continues. And if you can, get some space from him to show him that you MEAN it. You're not kidding. Do not take anger like this from a man. You are the bigger person in this situation, and you do not deserve to be blown up at like this. NEVER blame yourself.

 

Whether or not you are "pushing his buttons" or whatever, there is no reason to be as aggressive as he's being with you. He sounds damaged in some way, and it's not up to you to fix it, it's up to him.

[CallingAllAngels]

Ummm....He already does this...

 

Then it was not necessary for me to "sugar coat" my answer.

 

This man WILL, if you stay with him, eventually hit you. Period.

 

My husband did, and I told my therapist, when she started handing me all kinds of literature on "domestic violence" that my husband would "never lay a hand on me"...but he did.

 

No...he never "beat me to a bloody pulp"...that is not always the case.

 

But he pinned me down by my wrists on our bed and screamed 10 inches from my face...I couldn't get away to save my life. I remembed thinking "OMG...what if this man 'snaps' and loses control? I can't fight him off". Another time he grabbed me by my neck and shoved me so hard against the wall my feet didn't even touch the flood. Luckily he didn't hold me there that long. And there was always the time he pushed me accross the kitched floor and I fell over the garbage. When I tried to call 911 he cut the phone cord.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is this: You may not think of it abuse because you're not being BEATEN. Honestly, when I was pinned on the bed, I didn't "really" think of that as as abuse. It wasn't until he choked me against the wall that I did. And the throwing accross the kithen floor. Then I left. Still, we did go to counceling. But, he never ever learned from it. He said "I was asking for it, because my therapist said eventually he would hit me", so that's why he did those things.

 

Never owned up to a thing. Not that, and not his infidelity either.

 

You are dealing with a VERY angry man. If you are not ready to leave him, I suggest you either get some information on how to deal with a batterer, or, google it.

 

ONE thing you NEVER want to do is ESCALATE an argument...you could ALWAYS put yourself in extreme danger. And NEVER put yourself in a room where you can't make a quick exit. My therpapist told me this...when it gets heated..always be near an exit..be dressed so you can leave...have a little bit of money and a credit card on you, have your purse, keyes, and cell phone on your person. Believe me...I ALWAYS did.

 

Please be safe. I know how scarey it is.

 

My best...

 

~Allie

[Empathy]

What if he's aware of the fact that he gets too angry when its all over with? Most of the time when he gets too bad, in the end he's the one crying and not me. He literally SOBS he feels so bad. Its not an act either. You can tell this man truly regrets what he does. When he's finally calmed down he feels awful. What do you do when an "abusive" person truly hurts when they realize what they've done?

[RayKay]

What if he's aware of the fact that he gets too angry when its all over with? Most of the time when he gets too bad, in the end he's the one crying and not me. He literally SOBS he feels so bad. Its not an act either. You can tell this man truly regrets what he does. When he's finally calmed down he feels awful. What do you do when an "abusive" person truly hurts when they realize what they've done?

 

Most people whom ARE abusive do this. It is all part of the cycle. More women would leave if they DIDN'T do this. I have met women beat to seconds of losing their lives whom stayed because their partner was so crushed at what they did....

 

My blunt answer? What he says and how much he cries after are totally irrelevant if his actions don't change and if he is not getting help through a professional to change things (even then, I don't think it is smart to stay with someone like this). If he still does it over and over again, he actually realizes nothing about what he has done or is doing.