Can my husband fall inlove with me again? Help please

[Lilu]

Thanx for all the advice, you guys!

[avman]

Hi Lilu,

 

I've read through your post a couple of times and a few things stand out to me.

 

It sounds like your husband has not completely made up his mind about the relationship. He has doubts, but has not completely given up. So I think thats a good thing.

 

Also, you are making some changes for your own personal growth. Thats great, because that helps you no matter what happens with the relationship. Maybe your husband has seen some of these changes and is impressed. At 21, you aren't going to know everything. You'll have to learn as you go. And it will take time.

 

Maybe the two of you would benefit from some counseling. It sounds like there is still love in your relationship and as long as you both can hold on to that I think there is an excellent chance counseling would help you.

 

Don't give up!!

[sayer7]

I'm sorry to hear about the conflicts going on in your family life.

 

I understand that you have the desire to become more independent but I wonder: Do you want to become independent to save your marriage, or to be independent so you can function on your own in the world?

 

Yes it's important that a woman be able to function in society, but it is also important for a woman to be independent enough to make the family function more smoothly.

 

The way I see it, your husband is tired of making all the decisions and taking all the responsibility.

 

I grew up in a similar way as you. I was always dependent on someone else to pay for rent, food, electricity, etc... One day all the people I depended on left me. I had to fend for myself. I was homeless, friendless, and literally "on my own."

 

Reality is, life isn't going to be kind to you if you just sit around waiting for people to give things to you so you can survive. You get what people give you-- and more often than not, people can be pretty stingy-- and more often then not, you'll find yourself barely surviving.

 

Advice #1: Get a job or consider finding ways to make your own money and seek help in finding employment. There's no better self-esteem booster than knowing you are feeding yourself, clothing yourself, paying your own bills-- knowing you did it all on your own. It's a great feeling that you can provide for yourself.

 

Advice #2: Start meeting people and making new friends you never know who you'll meet and what opportunities can arise from networking out.

 

Advice #3: Stop thinking of independence as a way to get your husband to love you again. Start thinking of independence as your ticket to growing as an individual- in a positive way.

 

Just because you become independent doesn't mean your husband's love will come back. You've been blessed with a man who will always be concerned for your wellbeing. Thinking that way means you're thinking that love is conditional- that IF you become more independent and more assertive in your life, THEN your husband will fall back into love with you.

 

Love doesn't work that way.

 

I hope my advice helps you some in thinking on ways to liberate yourself. You were dependent because it 'worked' for you. You had all your needs met and it 'worked' for you. Now, dependence isn't 'working' for you. Your needs aren't being met and you are feeling immense loss.

You need to find a new way that works.

 

God bless and good luck...