littlej Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Quick question for all you gurus. I broke up with a girl a few weeks ago. I let her know that I was interested in reconcilement at the end. We broke up "she needed space" so to speak. She has an ex that she is still struggling with (broken up for a year now) and she realizes that he is not the one. She mentioned that she was so confused and crying, telling me that she has no more feelings. This I found confusing. This is right around the ending of the 'honeymoon period' When we first broke up I did the contacting. We had good conversations and all but she was standoffish. She never called me unless I called her and she called back. I believe classic pursurer/ distancer dynamic. She left for Europe and we had a forced 10 days of no contact. I strengthen myself enough not to pick up the phone when she calls again. Fast forward to yesterday. She calls me before bed and I didn't pick up the phone. I wanted to so bad. She leaves a message saying that she got home ok and not to worry and she will try again tomorrow. She calls again first thing this morning. My heart was paralized. I didn't pick up again. My question is if I want her back and I am trying to reverse rolls and be the distancer what should I do? I want to give the impression that I have moved on. Link to comment
judyness Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 Well ignoring her, thats nice. Did you talk to her and tell her that you feel that right now you two shouldn't talk because you have moved on from her? Ignorning someone could lead to the possibilities, does he hate me? is he mad at me? & she will keep questioning it. Its best to say, you don't think you two should talk because. But no no keep at not picking up the calls if thats whats keeping you strong. Link to comment
GetMeBack Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 I think the best thing to do in this situation is not to play games. That doesnt mean that you are.. Why do you want to "appear " if you have moved on? Why not try actually moving on? I would just ignore the calls. I take it she broke up with you?. If thats the case I would just go NC until you have fully healed or feel as if there are no romantic feelings for her anymore.. Or of course she contacts you and says she wants you back I think in any situation where your the dumpee I would just think about number 1, and thats YOU. No other way . Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 i way prefer LC to NC. It's more civilsed... Link to comment
blender Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 My dear, you will never regret being honest with her, do not play any games, just tell her the truth, and so in a self respecting loving clear way, by setting some attractive, healing boundaries, by saying something along the lines of.. "I'm happy to hear you arrived back home safely and hope you had a nice trip, but I want to be clear that I still have feelings for you, and for right now it's not okay for me to "pretend to be fine with being just friends', so it's best that we do not have any contact, but if you discover that you do want to "try again as a couple' then give me a call, and I'd be willing to talk.. but right now I think it's best that I respect the fact that you are not emotionally ready to committ to us as a couple, so I need to get busy with my own life, and I'm sure you can understand that "being friends' may happen in time, but right now I would prefer to only have contact if or when you discover that you want to make an effort towards us a couple." See, by stating what YOU want, and what reasons are okay for YOU to have contact, then you set some boundaries that are self respecting, attractive, and will not lead to any further confusion, or any regrets, by telling her that you still have feelings for her, and that you are not interested in being "buddies" right now, then you allow her an opportunity to have a consequence for breaking up and this means "no contact" and this will also allow the opportunity for her to discover that she misses you, and might really want to make an effort to try again as a couple... if not then at least you've let go and have been healing in a self respecting way... If you choose to stay "friends' right now, you risk being an emotional crutch for HER to ease her guilt, to ease her curiosity, to boost her ego, and to give her a sense of easing into letting go... but if you set some healthy boundaries about WHY she may contact you, then you are making a self respecting, classy choice in letting her know you are "there for her" IF and only IF she is willing to be in your life in a full and complete way as well.. and if she's not ready, then it's best for you to let go and move on, and if in time she does want to try again as a couple, she knows how to call you... Link to comment
littlej Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 I called her back briefly, I didn't want to seem like a jerk. I just asked her how her trip was and kept it a very light conversation. I told her I had to get back to work and just said "I'll speak to you soon" I know that some say to just move on but my delema is that I actually want her back. She knows this already. So you guys think that I should mention it again? I think that i want to take a distancer type roll and let her come to me. Is that wrong thinking? Link to comment
littlej Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 Dave - I guess you are right. Nice post. After she left I began to feel better. It was her loss not mine and If she is willing to walk away then it is on her. You guys were right after I talked to her I felt horrible. Like I said I did not say anything wrong I kept it light. I guess I was hoping that when she came back home she would see things differently. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 I hoped it helped a little bit and thank you. Things will get better...I promise. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
littlej Posted March 3, 2008 Author Share Posted March 3, 2008 I told her that we need to have a conversation tonight when she gets out of work. I need some closure on this. I have not had anything hurt me this bad before. Anyone have any suggestions? Link to comment
Addicus Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 sometimes the only person you can get closure from is yourself and it may not come over night. It will take a while....but from my own experience your ex cannot always give you the closure you want. There are things that you may wnat to hear but the reality is she may not say them. It is hard but work on your own closure, sometimes journaling helps. Sometimes space..letting emotions get back to normal ca help which is at least 30 days..or so I have read....then if you still feel like you need closure you can ask but by then you may not need it. Link to comment
littlej Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Yes I did talk to her last night and I don't feel any better. She stated that she was sick of talking and she never really had chemistry with me in the first place. I said then if that was the case why did you keep saying that I Love You? Why did you keep asking me to sleep over? She said that she was not heartless. It is very hard for me to break it off. I think I need to just disappear from the situation. It seems like it was bad from the start. Starting LC/NC now. Link to comment
blender Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Yes I did talk to her last night and I don't feel any better. She stated that she was sick of talking and she never really had chemistry with me in the first place. I said then if that was the case why did you keep saying that I Love You? Why did you keep asking me to sleep over? She said that she was not heartless. It is very hard for me to break it off. I think I need to just disappear from the situation. It seems like it was bad from the start. Starting LC/NC now. Please choose NO contact, for your own healing and self respect, it will prove to be so empowering, because "low" contact is like going to the same dry well for water over and over again, only to leave you frustratingly thirsty...for something she is not emotionally capable of giving..to anyone. Take care of yourself, and try to separate your feelings from the facts here, so you can regain a more honest perspective on all this, you might FEEL that you miss who you "hoped and thought she could be" but you will soon realize the FACT is you are way better off to leave who she "actually revealed herself to be"... Link to comment
lexion Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Take care of yourself, and try to separate your feelings from the facts here, so you can regain a more honest perspective on all this, you might FEEL that you miss who you "hoped and thought she could be" but you will soon realize the FACT is you are way better off to leave who she "actually revealed herself to be"... wow, this is exactly what i am feeling right now i used to be depressed to have lost her now i know that it's her old self that i miss, not the one who broke up with me Link to comment
littlej Posted March 5, 2008 Author Share Posted March 5, 2008 When I talked to her and she spoke to me the way that she did I was very turned off. I did not deserve that, someone who knows how hard it is on the receiving end should be a little more compassionate. Just my thoughts. Link to comment
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