Tired of feeling like this...

[Aries73]

Ever since an engagement fell apart on me more than 10 years ago, I have had nothing but negative reactions to other peoples' feelings of happiness. Whether it is engagements, marriages, or birth announcements, I have had to leave an environment more often than I could count in order to remain stable emotionally. Even then, it only results in me not feeling normal for weeks on end.

 

This had brought my college career to wreck even though I received a degree in 2000. I feel incapable of feeling happy for others as it only serves to reflect the misery I feel in myself and my inability to recover from the broken engagement I suffered 10 years ago (which had led to me being hospitalized for nearly a week).

 

This feeling is wearing me down to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I want to feel happy for others when good things happen to them, but how can I knowing it is the same happiness I am incapable of attaining for myself? How do I do this without having to put on a facade to hide my fear of potentially dying alone?

[ilovethatgirl]

There's nothing you really can do but fight it - fight it with everything you've got. Remember that, hey, we're all !@#$ed from the start anyways, since we're all going to die, so why not enjoy ourselves while we can

[judyness]

I know how ya feel. You just got to put the idea into your head that someday its going to happen for you. God is planning the day that your going to meet that one special person, but you need to love yourself first.

[honeyspur]

You have created a habit.

Biologically, we create emotional habits that at first make a lot of sense, but as time goes on it loses it's meaning and we ask ourselves, 'Why do I still act like this? - I don't get it.'

It's a meaningless habit now. What happened in the past stays there and choosing to carry a shadow with you over the years will become a trigger anytime you face situations like you described.

 

The thing is, it is always a choice. And the reason you can't break free, is you never consciously chose to forgive and move on. Yes, intellectually you may have told yourself to move on - but in your heart you choose to harbour the pain. Maybe out of fear of the unknown? Perhaps it was very difficult for you to fall in love and trust someone so now you've taken that resistance as an identity.

 

But the thing is - it's not really you - it's an old you. Although it was hard, now you are older, have lived through that pain and have a keener instinct because of it.

You must make a conscious intent to let go of your fear and belief - when the panic starts to rise, a voice must kick in and say, "That was the past. Today is not the past and it's not fair or accurate of me to pretend anymore because I live in reality with everyone else."

In other words - be your own friend. A friend would try to cheer you up, talk some sense in you and insure hope. Think what you would tell someone in your situation and then take your own advice, but do it seriously - kind of like a job.

We don't love to be at work, but we become accustomed to it and it doesn't cause us pain, you see what I'm saying?

 

Stop labelling yourself as incapable. I've never even met you and I know you are, so you are really dragging yourself down. Why? Because you think you deserve it some way? No. Today's the day it begins - the real you comes back today and it will take time to get to know this guy again, so be kind. And giving.

[rosephase]

I really think you might need to get professional help for this. Have you tried therapy?

[judyness]

you can read that book, your best life now by joel osteen, its really good it helped me. i used to be so much like that, and i realized i was poising my own thoughts.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if after 10 years you are still feeling this way, it is a much deeper issue than just a breakup. it sounds like you are clinically depressed. Have you gone to a doctor to discuss your feelings of helplessness/hopelessness and fears?

[Aries73]

if after 10 years you are still feeling this way, it is a much deeper issue than just a breakup. it sounds like you are clinically depressed. Have you gone to a doctor to discuss your feelings of helplessness/hopelessness and fears?

 

I've stopped having anything to do with those people. They are only interested in selling drugs that do who-knows-what to people except solve the problems they have.

 

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this after so much time has gone, but how would you feel if you found yourself starting over again after having so much progress in a relationship suddenly erased? I was never all that capable of talking to women and after the collapse of my engagement I have felt even less able to start anew, risking rejection every step of the way. To be honest, I really feel that it is too late for me now to start over.

[honeyspur]

Aries, that is a choice you are making out of fear, plain and simple. You may choose to take on that identity - but I'm not sure why other than you enjoy the feelings of misery for some reason. You seem angry as well, which is the actual base of depression.

 

I agree with you about not wanting to take medication - they do not fix the behaviour. You are going to go about this the way you see fit, it is your right - but my hope for you is you let this advice sit for a few days - mull it over and give it a chance. Being a totally different guy is going to take work and trying to see into the future only keeps you from staying focused. Stop looking ahead and looking back. This is the here and now - take it one day at a time with a new intention and you will see a new you.

[weephil]

Hi Aries73,

 

Know eactly how you feel mate. I had exactly the same situation albeit only 4 years ago. I've always been a pretty confident guy with everything except women and met this one person I just felt very comfortable with, seemed really different, things progressed and we got engaged but it didn't work. That's all in the past but it took a lot for me to get to that stage and when it ended I felt destroyed.

 

I'm pretty lucky in general, I have a really good job which I really enjoy, a nice house etc but none of that really matters as all I want is someone who'll love me as much as I love them. I'm so scared of commitment now I can't seem to give anyone a chance. I put so much into the previous relationship I don't think I could go through another heartache and to be honest I just don't see the point. At times I just feel sick and tired of this shi* existence. It would be great to see light at the end of the tunnel but as you say its hard. You can correct me if I'm wrong but I think your like me and think too much even over-analyse. I think we both just need to live each day as it comes and take it from there. Its hard but we only get one chance on this mudball so may as well make do with the cards we've been dealt!

 

Chin up.

Phil

[Aries73]

Thanks to those who responded. I've tried since the beginning of this year to stop seeing other people's happiness as a mirror that reflects all that is wrong with me, but sometimes all it takes is for me to observe something and my entire day seems to be engulfed in darkness. Afterwards, it sometimes takes days for me to recover and feel functional.