BufordGal Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 Hi, thank god I found this place. Much more civil and nice than the craigslist "romance" forum. My issue is this. I've been seeing a nice guy about a month. We had great conversations both on phone, online, in person, etc. We had great dates and I thought we were really clicking. The problem came a couple of weeks ago when he told me that he liked me but he thought I was trying to rush things a little and he needed to slow down. He said he's very cautious in relationships and he needs to take his time to get to know someone before he makes a commitment. He says I'm great and he can see himself being with me in that way, but he's not there yet and he was getting the sense that I thought we were there, which I guess I did in a way. So we agreed to slow it down a little. That, as I said, was a couple weeks ago and I noticed him pulling away, not calling as often, no making dates ... I was really pretty sad. Then last week he started acting like he did at the beginning - calling a lot and sending little gifts (we work in the same building but not the same office) and calling me little pet names. The problem is, is that our conversations have suffered. I wasn't really all that concerned when I thought I was his girlfriend but now that I know that he doesn't think I am, I feel very self-conscious, like I'm auditioning for a part I already thought I'd had! It makes for very stilted conversation. Last night was the worst. He called me as soon as he got off work saying he'd been thinking about me all day, and I just lost it, trying to be giggly, flirty, and such, but in reality I'd had a rotten day, I'd screwed up some work and my boss was upset and I really wasn't in the mood to be "fun," but I didn't want to dump all that on him because that's the sort of stuff you tell a boyfriend and it just kept flashing in mind that he didn't think he was and that if I started treating him like one, he'd feel pressured. So we got off the phone and instead of saying "Talk to you tomorrow," he said "I'd be in touch," which made me feel awful. He also told me to hit him up on MSN, but he wasn't on all night, which was unheard of, usually when he tells me that it's because he wants to talk to me later online, so I went to bed convinced that the conversation we'd had earlier really turned him off. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be myself around him now because it will scare him off, but the more I'm not myself, the more awkward our conversations become. Any advice or anything is appreciated because I really like him and I don't want to mess this up any worse. Link to comment
HappyAsALark Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 If you can't be yourself with someone, then don't be with them. Tell him he needs to tell you what he wants and no games! Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 If he is pulling away, just give him space. The more you persist, the farther away he'll get. What he said could just be a nice way to tell you that he isn't ready to have a relationship. Don't take it personally. Find someone else who doesn't want that space. If he does come back after that space, give him another chance though. That happens from time to time. Link to comment
Gratsy Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 If you can't be yourself with someone, then don't be with them. Tell him he needs to tell you what he wants and no games! I agree with this. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 he's hot and cold. sounds like he wants to move slow but gets caught up moving fast. he keeps pulling back probably not to scare you off. Link to comment
jevonj77 Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 It seems to me that he has been in many relationships before. Now I don't know if you know of those relationships that you get into...and you find that they're great...and so you commit. But later on...you're thinking, "if I had only knew she or he was going to be like this I'd never have done this". Don't you know of such situations? Maybe he has found it hard for him to break out of that situation once he's in it...or maybe he's just doesn't want to get too attached if he later finds out that the two of you are not that compatible. The fact is he's only seeing you and not anyone else. All the people saying that he has to be 100 percent in and such have most likely been broken up many times...so we can't go around saying that doing that is always the best way...going in 100 percent doesn't always guarantee that you're going to be together forever. So him being cautious can be for several reason but it doesn't seem that it's because he's not interested in you... Link to comment
Gratsy Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 True, but he may not be ready. Either way, she shouldn't sit around analyzing when she could be doing other things. Especially if it ends up that he's not interested. Link to comment
jevonj77 Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 True, but he may not be ready. Either way, she shouldn't sit around analyzing when she could be doing other things. Especially if it ends up that he's not interested. I see what you're saying. Well...in light of that she should in fact speak with him...not with malice but with an understanding spirit about the fact that she feels that according to the situation it might be the best for the two of them to separate for a while. It all comes down to how she's feeling about the entire thing. If she feels she's wasting her time or might be wasting her time...then this should be the option...I think. If she feels that she understands him and doesn't feel he's playing any games then maybe she shouldn't be so quick to make a decision but instead say something like..."ok, we'll give it about 1 month...and then after that let's make a decision." To me...that would be a solution to this old problem. Link to comment
shay.shay82 Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 It sounds like you're confused because of his actions, not your own. He tells you to slow down, then he backs off, which probably makes sense if he wanted to communicate to you that you both needed to go slower. But then you said he started acting as he did when you first started seeing him, which is at best mixed signals. It could be that he felt things were going too fast, pulled back and decided that he liked the pace - and you - after all and wants to move forward. Or he might just be clueless about what you're feeling. Either way, it's cool to talk to him just to clarify what's going on. Tell him that you notice he's acting a certain way and it's confusing you as to what's going on given what he said to you about slowing down. Maybe he's not that aware of his actions or, like I said, after he pulled back, he had some time to think on it and decided that he is OK with you being his girlfriend. Don't sweat the conversations too much. He might've picked up on the fact that you had a bad day and just wanted to leave you to it. Guys are like that - they're not into rehashing stuff like that, really. At least, not in my experience. Link to comment
nilli Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 About the not knowing how to talk to him part, I was struck by your not being able to say you've had a rough day, as if this was only something you could tell a boyfriend. Perhaps you are placing limits on yourself that you have no need to. Would you be put off by him telling you he'd had a bad day? Remember that you count too and you don't necessarily have to act in a way that (you believe) is pleasing to him. Link to comment
HappyAsALark Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 he's hot and cold. sounds like he wants to move slow but gets caught up moving fast. he keeps pulling back probably not to scare you off. I think you got it right here. Link to comment
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