Looking for a girlfriend ... and looking ... and looking

[Hero_99]

I have been looking for a girlfriend for a long time now, and as of yet I have never had a steady girlfriend my whole life. I am 27 years old. No one really tells me what I do right and wrong and the people who have tried to help me in the past either give me really generic blow-off advice [be a man, be yourself,etc.] or do not hang out with me enough to know what I am doing right or wrong. A guy who has gone out with me gave me a few pointers and whitnessed that I can atleast attract women and get them interested enough in me to either go out on dates or whatever, so obviously statistically what I want should be able to happen. It has not though and I want to knbow why and what I can do.

 

The only thing that I think that I do that is preventing me from being successful is that I have some fear issues that involve feeling pain of eventual rejection and I self-sabbotague myself. I was rejected badly by a girl when I was 14 and I was so sick with depression that I could literally only groan and moan while lying down for a month. I avoided virtually all girls for 10 years or so after that. and only when I was about 22, 23, 24 I even started back again with limited success that did not go anywhere. No sex from any girl ever and no steady girlfriend ever.

 

I have had a few flings here with some opportunity for sex for example some girls would have had a 3-some with me on my birthday, but I just want a loyal stable partner. Actually I really just want a loyal steady relationship in general period with a girl of my choice. I am still a virgin at 27 and never have had a steady relationship.

[amtjrtcet]

Well if you're gonna have a steady relationship you can't be afraid of women. We're really not that bad. And EVERYONE has had some form of rejection, that's life. You've got to take a chance and put yourself out there. The worst thing that could happen is that you'll get rejected, but you know what-YOU'LL LIVE. The woman of your dreams isn't gonna just fall into your lap. You have to be willing to take the chance at heartbreak in order to experience true love. I've had my heart ripped out, but I'm still kickin.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yeah women arent all that bad...well until you see how they can really behave!

 

Seriously though. If you are shooting for a steady relationship you maybe aiming a bit high in the beginning.

 

Girls will sense that on you. They will smell it.

 

The whole point of dating is to get to know someone. To have fun and get to see how they are as a person and whether they are compatible to your life.

 

I would suggest making a vision for yourself. IE say to yourself or better yet write it down "I want to be married and have children in 10 years time" or what ever it is you want to see yourself having in the distant future.

 

Then set some intermediary goals such as "in 2 years time I want to have dated 10 women"

 

Then set some immediate action plans. IE "tomorrow I will smile and say hi to 10 women" and "the next day I will smile say hi and wave to 10 women" and then "the next day I will commit myself to attempting to hold a 5 minute conversation with a total random woman I just met by saying hi to and smiling and waving"

 

Set yourself some goals.

[Hero_99]

I forgot to mention one thing "WOMEN DO NOT SCARE ME" ... seriously ... People just assume that I am scared of them, but I am not so sure.

 

But then, maybe I think more of my problem is the fear of pain of eventual rejection. I can seriously go up to just virtually any girl, talk with her, get her interested. So, my problem lies somewhere after this point.

[tylercdurden2004]

I forgot to mention one thing "WOMEN DO NOT SCARE ME" ... seriously ... People just assume that I am scared of them, but I am not so sure.

 

But then, maybe I think more of my problem is the fear of pain of eventual rejection. I can seriously go up to just virtually any girl, talk with her, get her interested. So, my problem lies somewhere after this point.

 

 

My point was to make goals. Adjust them as you need. If talking to and meeting women is no issue then figure out what else you need to do in the short term.

 

Going into something with the idea that it will end up in a relationship or that you hope will end up in a relationship is probably off putting.

[Hero_99]

Maybe ... I can set goals as you say, but what if that does not fix the problem ... ?

 

I am seriously considering hireing someone professional to help me with this ...

[tylercdurden2004]

Maybe ... I can set goals as you say, but what if that does not fix the problem ... ?

 

I am seriously considering hireing someone professional to help me with this ...

 

Listen goals arent about "solving" a problem.

 

Think of a sports game. Lets take football (soccer).

 

The goal of the season is to win the league. The goal of the game is to win the game. The goal of the invidual play is to well score a goal.

 

Winning one game (ie accomplishing the goal) is not sufficient in itself to accomplish the longer term objective of winning the season.

 

Scoring a goal (ie accomlishing the goal) is not sufficient in itself to win the game.

 

Goals cannot solve problems in themselves.

 

What they can do is provide you with a road map. A road map is useful to see where you want to go and how to get there. Its also useful to see where you need to go should your intended plan not work out (ie options).

 

Think back to the football game.

 

If the team is losing more games than it is winning (ie not accomplishing the goals) then the manager can look at what they are doing and adjust their behaviour (tactics, personnel changes etc) to attempt to achieve that.

 

Likewise if in the middle of a game the team is not scoring on most of its plays (not accomlishing goals) the the manager can call a timeout to discuss a different strategy (tactics) or to change players.

 

 

All goals allow you to do is to:

 

A) See where you want to go

 

B) See where you are going

 

C) See what other options you may have.

[Hero_99]

I have to say ... this is pretty good advice tylerdurden2004 and is relevent to some things I have also had thought would be solutions.

 

I am going to dedicate myself to being more determined and detached to the end goal of what I want. I think you hit the nail on the head there.

[ilovepoemsalot]

The main thing that seems to be stopping you is that you're scared of rejection, and it's no wonder if it can effect you so bad.

 

The main thing to work on is to try and find out why it felt so devestating when you were 14, so devestating that it made you feel sick with depression for a month and avoid women for 10 years.

 

It shouldn't have effected you this badly, so I think the best thing is to try and work on this, I think you should see someone and talk about it, find out why it effects/effected you so badly and how to fix the problem. Once you're better you wont have the rejection thing in the way anymore and things should work out from there.

[tylercdurden2004]

I have to say ... this is pretty good advice tylerdurden2004 and is relevent to some things I have also had thought would be solutions.

 

I am going to dedicate myself to being more determined and detached to the end goal of what I want. I think you hit the nail on the head there.

 

Dude! I love this.

 

 

You just mentioned a key word. Its actually amazing to me. This is something I keep seeing again and again. Its mentioned heavily in No More Mr Nice Guy.

 

That word is detachment. More precisely the book talks about "attachment to outcome".

 

When you become attached to the outcome you lose sight of the things right in front of you. The things you should do at that moment the things you need to do day in and day out.

 

Now that I think about it its interesting whenever you hear normal star althletes talk say Micheal Jordan. They always refer to their sucess in winning a game as "I just tried to play every shift as best I could." Or something to that effect.

 

 

Thanks for that.

[Hero_99]

I am 35 now and I still have these same problems. *sigh*