PLEASE READ - The secret to LTR is Communication!

[ShelB64]

Hi, all,

 

I have been posting for a little while here, and like a lot of you, have been having a lot of issues recently dealing with my bf and our LDR. I have been struggling with knowing where we are in our relationship, if we're still even having a relationship, how he feels about me, how I feel about him, what I want, trying to figure out where we are going, and feeling very sad dealing with things like V-day and being alone and lonely.

 

I've also been reading a lot of posts and spending a lot of hours (about 8-10 hours a day) over the last few days glued to some of these posts and responses, wondering if things like this would happen to me: my bf would suddenly lose interest and disappear, or we'd find someone else, or we'd stop talking, or break up.

 

I was even growing nervous about talking to him a couple of days ago, wondering about what is going on with us and if he still loves me. After a few comments, some of which helped directly, but all of which helped inspire me, I finally just decided to call him and BE HONEST.

 

I called him Friday. I told him I loved him. I told him I needed for us to set a firm date that we would see each other and that this is a requirement for a successful LDR. I also told him I needed to know rather or not he really loved me - not just as a friend and "soul mate" - but as a lover. I told him that if we were going to be just friends, I wanted to make that clear and not pretend we were in a relationship any more. I gave him a day to think about this. He agreed to think things over. I have to admit, I was scared. He sounded kind of distant and not hopeful.

 

After praying last night and hoping for the best, I got up my nerve and called him this morning. I was completely afraid this would be the end. I wanted to speak what was on my mind, but I was afraid of the possible result. I knew it had to be done, though. As I began speaking, I was determined to say what was on my mind, but most importantly, I wanted to really listen to what he had to say. As I began speaking, as usual, I began to cry. I was very honest. I noticed, that the more open I was, the less I was crying. I kept thinking, If you love something, set it free... Finally, I knew I had to go one step further.

 

I told him I wanted him to be completely honest with me, too. I told him he had to be straight with me, no matter the consequence. I knew I was risking everything, and I bit my lip. He could at this point have very easily told me he was tired of the whole thing and it was over. But that didn't happen.

 

Instead, he completely opened up. He told me that all this time, he had been afraid to open up to me, for fear of hurting me and being afraid of how I would take it. He told me there was something he had been wanting to tell me for months.

 

There had been a very small miscommunication when he was here that had led to him feeling that I did not value him as much and that I was only interested in the physicality of our relationship, which was totally untrue, but I could see how he thought that. In turn, because he sort of shut down in that area, I thought he wasn't physically interested in me any longer, which led to me thinking he didn't love me as much. Then, he began not kissing me as much or showing much emotion to me, not telling me he loved me as much, not wanting to make love, etc., and finally I began to believe he had in fact fallen out of love with me. He didn't even kiss me goodbye at the airport.

 

After he left, I said that maybe we should just try being friends and I even tried to date a couple of guys to find someone else to strike up a romance with. However, of course, I love him so much, I just couldn't do it. It was getting to the point where I was becoming physically sick from being without him and unsure of where we were going. I was making him feel confused with my changing emotions, and, of course, he thought I didn't care about him any more either and that I was some kind of crazy weirdo. Finally, last week, we were on the verge of completely breaking up.

 

We talked for two hours today. I had asked him early in the conversation when in the relationship did he start loving me less, and he said he never did. I was completely surprised. I thought that when he said he loved me as he hung up at the end of our strained conversations over the past weeks, that he had just meant it as a friend, but he said he had really meant it as a man loving a woman.

 

At one point, he asked me if I remembered a card he had given me for my birthday three months ago. I did, but told him I had put it in a bottom drawer, thinking that the emotions of that day had long passed. He told me to take the card out and read it. It seemed silly, but I did. It said, "I love you like I never loved someone before." - Your Guy. Then, he told me, "I know it's bad English, but I mean it more than ever!" Finally, he said his love for me grew just a little bit more just by us being so open with each other today.

 

After our talk today, we are closer than ever. Now, we both are firmly committed to our real, loving relationship. He is coming to visit me in August, and really working toward moving from Germany to the US, hopefully by next year. We hadn't even discussed this in the last two months. He also said we should both put today's date on our calendars as the day we fell in love all over again.

 

The point is, you must take the risk, whatever it is, and communicate fully, honestly and openly. Without it, you will never be able to go forward.

 

Of course, we have no guarantees for the future, but I love my man and he loves me, and this is one of the happiest days of my life.

 

Thanks for letting me share!

[RedDelicious]

Hai ShelB64,

 

I've been on a long distance relationship, on and off for almost a year now, and you are absolutely right:

 

The point is, you must take the risk, whatever it is, and communicate fully, honestly and openly. Without it, you will never be able to go forward.

 

This is the glue that kept us together all this time. Skype helps a great deal.

 

BTW, I know what a LDR is, but what's an LTR?

[ShelB64]

Hai ShelB64,

 

I've been on a long distance relationship, on and off for almost a year now, and you are absolutely right:

 

 

 

This is the glue that kept us together all this time. Skype helps a great deal.

 

BTW, I know what a LDR is, but what's an LTR?

 

Thanks for catching my error - I meant LDR (LTR is long-term relationship - we aren't quite there - YET!). It helps to have someone who understands how this all feels.

 

I actually found that I can get a pretty good deal with the local phone company calling international to just one country, and since he doesn't have an internet connection at home - he must be the only person on earth - we have to use the regular phone lines. Sure wish we had video phones!

[pianoguy]

Actually, communication is the key to ALL relationships, not just long distance.

[monkey1]

preach it!!

 

i wished my boyfriend had the guts to open up to me. instead, he decided not to communicate with me. even when i was asking to talk to him about things because i wanted to make our relationship better. well, now he's an ex. i told him is was communication that broke us up and he can't admit it. instead, his job was his priority and so was money (getting out of debt). not me.

 

if people don't learn to communicate and step up to the plate, the relationship will fall apart because people will no longer feel valued and appreciated. and feel "well, i guess they don't want to be with me ... i guess we should break up". it happens a lot. it's why it's so important in any type of relationship to learn to communicate and LISTEN. listening is almost more important than speaking. listen, listen, listen. then think before you speak and be 100% honest. you will love yourself more and feel so relieved.

[Daddy Bear]

if people don't learn to communicate and step up to the plate, the relationship will fall apart because people will no longer feel valued and appreciated. and feel "well, i guess they don't want to be with me ... i guess we should break up". it happens a lot.

 

Sad, but true. It's all about perception.

[ShelB64]

...listening is almost more important than speaking. listen, listen, listen. then think before you speak and be 100% honest. you will love yourself more and feel so relieved.

 

I am trying to hard to think before I speak these days. It is so hard; I am such an emotional person and I am quick to react. I am trying to prepare for a conversation I am going to have with my bf tomorrow and I want to make sure I don't get into a fight with him. Maybe sometimes you should spare being honest if it might hurt feelings, especially when your time on the phone in a long-distance relationship is limited?

[myluv]

Actually, communication is the key to ALL relationships, not just long distance.

 

 

That's exactly right!

[MNmike]

My girl felt I didn't care anymore and I didn't want to go see her. Thats what she told me. Instead of communicating, she broke up with me. Now had she gone about things like this first post I would not be feeling so bad for the last 3 months. Our communication about the situation sucked. We always had a great time together, talked every day, but didn't talk about the outcome of the situation. She did initially ask me to go, but I was not ready at the time, although I did see myself moving in the future. She gave me no certainty. One day she would get just her masters, then she wanted her phd. Where? When? I had no idea. I was expected to just follow along. So she built it up for a while and just walked away after 5 years together, (1 yr LDR). She instantly started dating a friend of hers. Whom she talked about sometimes. I thought no big deal, she has always had guy friends, and I trusted her 110%.

When we first started dating, that was one of the things she liked so much about me, I was not jealous or posessive.

 

I was devastated that she turned out to be that kind of person. Never in a million years did I see that coming. I guess if she really loved me, she would have tried to work things out, like the above post, instead after being with me for 5 years she was keeping her options open in case something better came along. Makes me sick, after everything we've been through. Even a break up in 03, and she ended up wanting to get back together after I had given all I could and was ready to move on. I knew this LDR would end up a problem, but I didn't expect this. One week she is wanting me to come visit, the next she breaks up with me, and the next after that shes seeing someone else. What a bunch of S***.

 

Then to top it all off she wanted to "hang out" when she was in town for X-mas. Not telling me there was another guy. I already knew, but she didn't know that. And she got angry when I said I couldn't just hang out with her. So she said the next time she was here she'd call me. Still didn't tell me bout the guy until our last talk when I told her how I felt about her at the end od Dec. so now its been 2 months NC.

 

Our last call was at the end of Dec, and basically spilled my guts about how I had been truly feeling about her all along. She said if I had told her months ago, it would've made all the difference. She was crying as she told me "I'm seeing someone, and I'm happier than when I was with you".

You didn't do this and that, you didn't talk about your feelings, you didn't move, you didn't make me feel special. Basically I did everything wrong and shes the angel. She knows what a great relationship requires. Although all she saw growing up was to parents that fought, resented, and divorced. Yep shes an expert on love.

 

So Yes communication is vital, I just wish she had seen that. Because I was doing ok with things, I was unsure, but didn't want to break up any time soon. I still love her, and would be willing to work on it, but it would take A LOT from her.

 

So anyone else out there in a LDR, make your plans, and TALK about the future. Or its bye bye.