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UPDATE!!! Should I make an effort to get her back?More time?


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My (ex)girlfriend and I had been going out a little more than a year until about three weeks ago a chain of events led to our end. It was a series of things: She had been acting very strange, as had I, but in a different way, and somewhat distant, but again, probably as a reaction to me. During this fairly tortuous week, she had lied to her family about where she was going a few times (she didn't lie to me) and they were very upset with her. She had made friends with a guy (I was friends with him too) that was her cousin's roommate. This guy was obviously enamored with her, but I didn't mind because I trusted her and, to be honest, he's not really in my league. I had served her an ultimatum in which I told her she either acted as if she still cared about me or I was done with her, which ended with her crying and saying she loved me, but we both agreed we needed more time to ourselves. I had always argued that, but she always wanted to see me all the time, so I did. We had several talks that week where she expressed to me that she was not sneaking around and that I was the best thing that's ever happened to her, that she needed me, that she had been acting distant because she thought she didn't treat me well and took me for granted, etc. I was calm and fairly nonchalant during this talk, she was crying. Anyway, a day or so later she got caught lying again to her family and this time to me and came over to talk with me again, this time saying she felt trapped by me and her family, that she needed more space, that she felt like she was going crazy. As a result of all of this, she broke it off, though it was unclear whether it was over, or just a much-needed break.

 

The break-up happened in the morning, I was upset, thought it was over, but then--surprise--she called me later that night. She called me the next day too, saying she would call me later--never did. A few days later, I went to her house to drop some things off, but she wasn't there. I called her to tell her I needed to pick my stuff up, assuming we were finished. She seemed stunned and said I could pick it up the next day and to call her. SHE called me the next day, but I wasn't able to answer. I finally got in touch with her later and told her I HAD to pick my stuff up because I was moving out of town--which I am doing. She seemed fairly upset about that when I got my things, told me she was sorry about everything that happened and to call her. She called me the next morning, and the next day, and the next day, and the next, each time crying saying she missed me and loved me and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, but said she needed some time to sort things out. I was very confused. She mentioned in her last call that we might get together for some coffee the next day, I told her to call me--never did.

 

She didn't call me for a few days, but I dropped her an e-mail about my interesting weekend--nothing in the e-mail concerned us or our relationship. She called me the next day, again very upset and feeling guilty about what happened?? She mentioned over and over again that she missed me and loved me ("I love you"). I asked if she wanted to get together or something. She said no, that she was ashamed of how she looked (apparently she had not been eating or sleeping very well). I said I didn't care, but she insisted no. I said call me later.

 

Today, she calls me wanting to play me a song she was writing (she's a songwriter). She wasn't upset this time, but we discussed my weekend and the girl I went to a concert with the night before. She said she missed me and said "I love you" and mentioned we might get together this weekend. I said call me, and she said I could call her too.

 

Here's my question: I still love this girl very much, I'd like to get back together, but I'm not going to push for it--she broke it off, that's her job. I'm really confused though. Is she leading me around? Is she trying to make me grovel for her back? Is she just a crazy woman? What should I do? Should I make an effort to get her back (I'm leaving town in a month though)? Should I just wait and give it time and see how things pan out, or tell her to just make up her mind or leave me alone? I just need some advice on what to make of all this. Thanks in advance.

 

Sorry for the very long post, but I think the odd situation called for it--thanks for putting up with me.

 

Sincerely,

SGP

 

UPDATE!!!

 

Thanks for the responses guys and gals.

 

Here's a little update on the situation with my ex:

 

She still calls and e-mails me several times a week, conversations still end with her saying "I love you." It's become apparent that she and the rebound guy are now going out, which doesn't surprise me since she can be very needy at times. I myself have been dating someone new, who I like a lot, but simply don't have the same feelings for--just a way to keep my mind off the ex I guess. Anyhow, this guy she's dating is pretty much my opposite, and he and my ex really don't have much in common--but he was there to catch her after our relationship fell to pieces. However, in our last conversation she mentioned this, saying that she gets tired of having to explain herself and other things to him, things she never had to tell me--I already knew or understood them. She called him a "bull head," obviously a crack at his intellect--I'm a fairly intelligent guy, she is too, so I guess she may be missing the stimulating conversation. She also mentioned that she doesn't really want or have time for a boyfriend right now, but it's hard for her to say no sometimes--again, the "needy" factor coming into play.

 

Here's the biggest thing: she told me she wanted to go out to dinner with me sometime next week. I was stunned. Going out to get some coffee, or some lunch is one thing, but dinner? She also asked me if I was ever going to come back to her. I said that wasn't my decision--I wasn't the one who left. She said "yeah, but you're moving away (I'm moving to Chicago in Jan-Feb) from me." She said she is still very confused about almost everything in her life. I told her that is the same reason I'm moving away, to--and not to sound cheesy here--"find myself."

 

Here's my question(s) to anybody who reads this: What should be my move here? I've given her space, in fact, I've never been the one to initiate contact, it has always been her who calls or e-mails. Should I go out to dinner with her? I'd like to, but should it be casual or something more "date-like." Obviously, any other wisdom or insight into this matter would be appreciated. Thanks again everyone.

 

Sincerely,

Sean

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In my opinion, this girl seems to want you...but she seems a little crazy too. If you are moving in a week (how far away?), how much effort are you going to have to put into this relationship, and how long doyou think it would last? Also, it didnt seem like you are too terribley trusting of her, for good reason. Would the trust issue get worse if you were too far away to keep an eye on her and this guy?

This all depends on how much you love her and trust her....and how well you deal with long distance relationships.

Hope this was helpful.

 

-Julia the TigerLily

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I'm moving to from Nashville to Chicago--I've had the inner calling to live the big city life for a while now, but put it on hold because of the relationship with the girl in question. She has a strong attachment to home and family, so I doubt she'd move with me. I'm not going to do a full-on long-distance realtionship--I've got things to do, places to go.

 

As for this other guy, I'm not sure of her feelings for him. I'm (or I've been told) very attractive, personable, intelligent, and genuinely nice and fun-loving guy. He's overweight, unattractive (in most people's opinion), and has a lisp (which she makes fun of). He's kind of an idiot, but a funny idiot, and a homophobe (which she hates, as one of her best friends is gay). To be honest, the guy is kind of a loser--not much going for him. Nevertheless, she sees him quite regularly, even more so now that we've split. However, neither me, her from what she's told me, or anyone who's close to her can even imagine them being together, so, I just don't know. He is kind of a "bad-boy", not in the typical sense, but maybe she goes for that or wants to "mold" him to her liking. Whatever. But if she wants to be with him--or is with him--well, I'll just consider it her loss.

 

Sincerely,

SGP

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This girl is not crazy. She is going through a perfectly normal phase where she is confused about what she wants. We all go through this at various levels at different times in our life. (The classic is men's mid life crisis). What you are seeing here is your ex stuggling with two things she wants but has yet to decide what she wants more. One thing is a relationship with you, I don't know what the other is it may be freedom, it may be another person...it could be any number of things. Whatever it is she does not believe she can have both and that is what she is struggling with. For you I think it means the same old advice, give her space make a decision and come to terms with it. try to be supportive where you need to be. Don't get hung up on the "mixed signals" you are getting, I am sure it just means that she is struggling to work through her options.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for the responses guys and gals.

 

Here's a little update on the situation with my ex:

 

She still calls and e-mails me several times a week, conversations still end with her saying "I love you." It's become apparent that she and the rebound guy are now going out, which doesn't surprise me since she can be very needy at times. I myself have been dating someone new, who I like a lot, but simply don't have the same feelings for--just a way to keep my mind off the ex I guess. Anyhow, this guy she's dating is pretty much my opposite, and he and my ex really don't have much in common--but he was there to catch her after our relationship fell to pieces. However, in our last conversation she mentioned this, saying that she gets tired of having to explain herself and other things to him, things she never had to tell me--I already knew or understood them. She called him a "bull head," obviously a crack at his intellect--I'm a fairly intelligent guy, she is too, so I guess she may be missing the stimulating conversation. She also mentioned that she doesn't really want or have time for a boyfriend right now, but it's hard for her to say no sometimes--again, the "needy" factor coming into play.

 

Here's the biggest thing: she told me she wanted to go out to dinner with me sometime next week. I was stunned. Going out to get some coffee, or some lunch is one thing, but dinner? She also asked me if I was ever going to come back to her. I said that wasn't my decision--I wasn't the one who left. She said "yeah, but you're moving away (I'm moving to Chicago in Jan-Feb) from me." She said she is still very confused about almost everything in her life. I told her that is the same reason I'm moving away, to--and not to sound cheesy here--"find myself."

 

Here's my question(s) to anybody who reads this: What should be my move here? I've given her space, in fact, I've never been the one to initiate contact, it has always been her who calls or e-mails. Should I go out to dinner with her? I'd like to, but should it be casual or something more "date-like." Obviously, any other wisdom or insight into this matter would be appreciated. Thanks again everyone.

 

Sincerely,

Sean

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I had a similar situation and I handled it all wrong. I had questions about my relationship. She loved me and wanted to marry me. I was offered a job in Chicago also. While there we talked and did the I love you thing and she also has moved onto another relationship with an opposite of me. She claims to be in love with him after about a week. I realized how much I loved her and I moved back and quit the job. Anyways, if I could do it all over again I'd asked her to marry me and not left. I know in hindsight it sucks, but when I moved back I ***ed everything up. I talked to her friend Ashley, which we became friends, and I also talked and confided in her mother. They betrayed my trust and told her things that pissed her off. Just lil things about me seeing a note or how upset I was or just talking to them about our situation. Well today she told that we couldn't friends right now. So yeah the love of my life, the biggest mistake I never made is now gone. it doesn't seem fair or even real. My life blows. I'm in debt, no job yet, and no love and I feel empty. Think this through hard, remember thelittle things about her, b/c trust me every time I pull into my drive way I can picture her car there and the smile she had on her face when she got out. So make sure think this clear, don't lose the love you have. The most precious gift on earth given to a man is a woman's heart. Don't ever throw that away.

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Sean - wow, what a pickle in a way!

 

I'd definitely keep it to something more casual for now, for the simple reason she IS in another relationship, and if she decides to leave the guy she's with, you don't want any doubts in your mind as to whether she was "seeing" you when she was with him. Even if nothing "happens," anything that starts to head toward a triangle situation is not healthy for any of the parties involved. If she asks, I'd just tell her you'd like to see her, but since she's in a relationship you feel you should respect that and make it something more casual than dinner. (That also makes clear without actually saying it that if she'd like more, she's got a choice to make, you won't be a guy on the side while she makes up her mind, but it's not as blunt as smacking her over the head with it )

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