Should I ask him??

[hugmeup]

I am getting ready to move to be with my man.

I will be leaving on April 5th.

The last few nights that we have talked I noticed a sort of tension in his voice.

Tonight when he called me I asked him if he felt nervous and he said yes.

He said that it would be a change as he has lived alone all but 2 yrs out of the last 20.

I was wondering if I should ask him if he is sure that he wants to go thru with this or should I just wait and see if he brings it up.

I appreciate your thoughts on this.

[DN]

I would not bring it up - because it could make it look as if you are having second thoughts and are hoping he will say 'don't come'. It is understandable that he might be apprehensive but the best test of whether it will work is actualy being together.

[Batya33]

If you are going to move in with him - and given the short amount of time you have spent in person with him - I would presume that you are moving in with someone you barely know and with your eyes wide open to the risks of that situation (which you have said you are willing to take, on other threads). If you do say anything further I would simply reiterate that you are looking forward to moving with him and remind him of the sacrifices you are making - financial and otherwise - to do this. Then ask him if he is still sure he wants to live with you.

 

The alternatives are either not to move yet, or to move and get your own place and date him when you get there.

 

From what you have posted about this man and your interactions it sounds like it is hitting him that someone he doesn't know well is going to be living in his house and dependent on him for companionship. But, he is afraid to say anything because he doesn't know you well enough and he already made this plan with you.

 

Good luck.

[havefaith]

Hey,

 

I think Batya made some really good points, but I also wanted to add you should be wary regardless of how long you've known someone. My boyfriend & I had been dating for 2 years, the second year long distance. All he could talk about in that year was me coming to be with him. When it finally happened, he had a big freak out. Things worked themselves out, but it was rough.

 

I think in situations like this guys can become really territorial and feel crowded as their girl moves into a place that used to be "their space." I wasn't even moving in with my guy & this happened.

 

I would STRONGLY consider moving into your own place.

[Batya33]

I agree it is always a risk - all relationships are. It's about managing the risk in each situation. To me, personally, moving in with someone after barely knowing them in person coupled with moving away from your own place and state is too much of a risk. Moving after dating someone in person regularly, for the better part of a year at least, less of a risk.

[annie24]

i agree with batya, i think it might be a good idea to get your own place - one near his, that's maybe just a short drive or walk away. especially since you have not spent a lot of time together, that would be a good way to go. i know someone else who did this on enotalone, and that seemed to work out, they eventually moved in together.

[hugmeup]

I would not bring it up - because it could make it look as if you are having second thoughts and are hoping he will say 'don't come'. It is understandable that he might be apprehensive but the best test of whether it will work is actualy being together.

I thought the same thing about bringing it up again.

I have been reading a lot about the differences between men and women and the way women communicate with and vs men.

I am 58 years old and never realized there was such a difference in the way men and women's emotions run.

It is not easy because I have always been the type to just spit it out (whatever it may be.)

Thank you for your response.

[Batya33]

I don't agree with the gender differences. I think some people let it all hang out and some don't. I personally find it more special when someone is discreet and selective and chooses to open up to me.

 

I don't think that difference,even if it exists, has a real connection to this situation. Given that he knows what a drastic move you are about to undertake, he should be willing to let you know where he stands.

[hugmeup]

i agree with batya, i think it might be a good idea to get your own place - one near his, that's maybe just a short drive or walk away. especially since you have not spent a lot of time together, that would be a good way to go. i know someone else who did this on enotalone, and that seemed to work out, they eventually moved in together.

 

ok, here goes.

First of all, I would not be moving out there if it were not for him.

Second of all, I have not worked (in a job) most of my life.

I chose to work taking care of medically fragile foster children (in my home) since 1979.

I never liked the politics of the workplace and decided that I would do that instead.

It is a difficult situation being almost 2000 miles apart.

Especially wanting to be with him and knowing that the only way would be to live with him.

We both want companionship. We are both lonely and alone and care about each other very much.

He is 57 and I am 58.

I will have a monthly stipend until I retire in four years but not enough for me to live on my own and why would I want to live on my own anyway if the objective of our being together is to have each other as companions.

 

I am not upset but I am going to put the following in bold letters because I think it is important.

 

I KNEW MY FIRST HUSBAND WHEN WE WERE KIDS AND WE LOST CONTACT FOR A FEW YEARS. WHEN HE CAME BACK AND WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER, WE WENT STEADY AND DID NOT MARRY FOR SOME TIME.

I FOUND OUT HE WAS TRANSVESTITE ABOUT 8 MONTHS INTO THE MARRIAGE.

IT LASTED 4 YEARS.

 

I MET AND LIVED WITH MY SECOND HUSBAND RIGHT AWAY AND WAS TRULY IN LOVE WITH HIM. ( THE MARRIAGE LASTED 13 YEARS AND WE HAD TWO CHILDREN).

 

I KNOW I SETTLED FOR MY THIRD HUSBAND AND WAS NEVER REALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT NEEDED SOMEONE INSTEAD.

I KNEW THIS MAN LESS THAN I KNEW MY SECOND HUSBAND.

HE MOVED IN WITH ME AFTER TWO MONTHS OR SO AND WE LASTED FOR 17 YEARS.

 

 

I can only do one of two things at this time.

I either go out to find out if it will work out, or I forget about the whole thing and him.

It is painful even to think about doing the latter but these are my choices.

[annie24]

whoa, you kind of sound like my mother (but the story isn't quite the same).

I either go out to find out if it will work out, or I forget about the whole thing and him.

she too just kind of goes and hops right into a relationship, without dating or whatnot.

 

there is a 3rd option - to find a job, become independent, not have to rely on a man for your food and shelter, and to take the time and date and get to know each other before taking that next big step. yes, you can get to know each other by moving in straight away, but you can also get to know each other by moving closeby and then spending time together and dating, and then move in together should things go well.

 

if things go well and you guys get along, that is great - but what if things go downhill? what will you do, where will you go? it seems you are kind of impulsive when it comes to relationships. is there some way you could be more financially stable?

[Batya33]

People who have long term views of brand new relationships often delay moving in until they know each other for the health of the relationship and to let the bond grow without the pressures of moving in with a near stranger, especially when one person is completely uprooting.

 

I agree completely with Annie - this is an unnecessarily risky situation you are getting yourself into and I would advise waiting until you are financially stable enough to live independently on your own and get to know him from the perspective of an independent person rather than someone depending on him financially as well as emotionally. Dependence often is a turn off and can sabotage what otherwise could be a healthy relationship.

[hugmeup]

I will not be depending on him financially.

We do have a great friendship and emotional bond.

He will probably be more dependent on me to take care of him and I am ok with that.

I will be sharing all living expenses with him.

Currently I live with my oldest daughter and we have discussed the possibility that it may not work out.

I will have some money set aside so that I can come back.

[hugmeup]

I do NOT want a job and I have always been a very independent lady.

I do NOT want to go out there to live on my own.

[annie24]

how do you pay for things?

[Batya33]

I will not be depending on him financially.

We do have a great friendship and emotional bond.

He will probably be more dependent on me to take care of him and I am ok with that.

I will be sharing all living expenses with him.

Currently I live with my oldest daughter and we have discussed the possibility that it may not work out.

I will have some money set aside so that I can come back.

 

I meant depending on him in the sense that you say you don't have enough $ to live in your own place so you are depending on him to allow you to live with him in his home. Are you planning to have something in writing as far as what "sharing" expenses means?

[hugmeup]

how do you pay for things?

Right now, I have conservatorship of a young lady I took in at six months of age.

She is 26 yrs old at this time.

I care for all of her needs as she is profoundly disabled and am paid by the State.

This is something I have been doing most of my life and have a considerable amount of money saved as well.

As a matter of fact, I moved out here in June of 2007 to help my daughter out financially.

If I had not come out to pay her rent instead of where I was, she would have lost one of her two properties.

At this time, I am putting my oldest daughter on as co-conservator and she will be caring for my young lady.

If things do not work out, I will come back and take over again.

All of these things I have discussed with my daughter.

[hugmeup]

I meant depending on him in the sense that you say you don't have enough $ to live in your own place so you are depending on him to allow you to live with him in his home. Are you planning to have something in writing as far as what "sharing" expenses means?

I can get a place of my own but that is not what I want to do.

I can do that here.

We have talked and I feel comfortable with paying half of the house payment, half of the utilities and half of the groceries.

[annie24]

ah, so you do work - it's just not a traditional desk job. well, i think it is great that you have taken care of these children, very commendable.

 

i do hope it works out with you and the new guy - it's good that you have a nest egg put away so you can get plane tickets home, just in case.

 

i hope it works out, i really do. my mom did that with her marriages. to my dad, they knew each other for 6 weeks before they married. it worked out, the marriage ended when my dad died. she remarried a few years ago to a man, she'd only really known him for 4 weeks, but i think it was a mistake. i think he is using her. i saw no reason for her to marry him so soon.

 

anyways - i hope you don't marry this man right away - just get to know him and see how it works. and if you see some warning signs, don't be afraid to go back home.

[Batya33]

I understand what you want to do and I respect that. I see also that you are aware of the risks/downsides of moving in with someone so quickly without getting to know them and dating them. That is why it is a bit confusing to me as to why you need to ask him anything. You already made up your mind so what's the point in asking him for reassurance as to how he feels?

[hugmeup]

That is correct annie and thank you for the compliment.

 

Yes, my daughter and I have discussed the possibility that it may not work out and I am prepared financially to see my way back.

 

I've thought about whether or not I would consider marriage if he asked me.

At this point I would not. Primarily because it would not benefit us financially when I retire and draw Social Security.

 

I hope your mom's current husband is not using her as my ex used me for many years and I could not see it.

 

Thank you for sharing about how your mom and dad lasted after knowing each other for such a short time before getting married.

 

It gives me hope.

[hugmeup]

I understand what you want to do and I respect that. I see also that you are aware of the risks/downsides of moving in with someone so quickly without getting to know them and dating them. That is why it is a bit confusing to me as to why you need to ask him anything. You already made up your mind so what's the point in asking him for reassurance as to how he feels?

Because his feelings are important to me and if he has any doubts, concerns or fears, it would be good to address them and talk.

When I came back from my visit with him and was just starting to think about the changes and arrangements I had to start to make, I got scared and nervous.

When I voiced these feelings to him, he said that if I had any doubts I should not do it.

I appreciate his consideration of my feelings and I would like to offer him the same consideration.

[Batya33]

OK so now I understand that you are not set on moving there - it depends if he can reassure you that he is comfortable with that. That is what confused me - I thought you wrote that you were set on moving there and moving in with him.

 

Honestly, even if he has the best of intentions, do you think it is reasonable to expect someone you've spent so little time with in person to be 100% comfortable with this plan?

 

I think what he advised you is very wise indeed, and I hope you advise him of the same with the reassurance that of course you will understand if he would prefer to get to know you in person without you living in the same house with him just yet.

[hugmeup]

I am glad that you understand Batya.

If he had strong reservations and fears about my moving in with him, I would respect that and not go out yet.

I don't think it is reasonable to expect either one of us to be 100% comfortable.

But the important thing is that we want to be together.

That we have built a very strong friendship and emotional bond and want to be each others companion.

He called me today and was more relaxed and during the course of our conversation, he said "so what is taking you so long" LOL

[Batya33]

Yes, I just hope that you maintain the mindset that for purposes of knowing each other in person and in person compatibility you know very little about him. I also hope you decide to do a background check on him, and get legal advice, etc before making this move. But that's up to you - just my two cents.

[Maya_A]

I think if it is something you are wondering about, you should ask him. If the question is within you, then I can't see why you wouldn't share it with him & get his feelings on it?

 

You seem like you are aware that part of developing good communication with someone, & emotional maturity within our own selves is sharing innermost thoughts, and asking for information over silently wondering, which can lead to wrong assuming, etc...

 

There is nothing at all strange or "wrong" about your saying since he mentioned he is a bit nervous you wanted to check again before you do this whole big move, that the timing is still right for him. That he is still 100% sure about it all.

 

I just now read that he was able to talk to you about the same issue one time on a visit with him, and you appreciated this, & want to do the same for him.

 

So why the fear/hesitation about doing so within you?