Fat Pigeon Not Living In Reality.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, I have returned.

 

I am in weekly psychotherapy at my university at the moment, mainly owing to the following problems (a selection for your delectation!)

 

-eating disorder. Compulsive thoughts and behaviours render me unable, at present, to have a halfway normal food and exercise relationship. I am a PERFECT and healthy weight, but I have

 

-severe self hating. I appreciate this seems bizarre - I enjoy life modelling for an art class, naked. I take plenty of photographs..of myself. But it remains a real problem in my day to day life.

 

-depression. Mainly pertaining to the fact I'm only doing a Psychology degree because I broke down last year and this was the closest uni. Overall, I wanted BADLY to leave home, but I had a major mental wobble and didn't want to leave my boyfriend of 2 years...which has ended anyway, before I even started the course..I cannot believe I was so weak. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. But how ridiculous. Now I'm

 

-stuck living with my family, when I had planned to be out by 19, at university or otherwise away from home. I have no problem per se with my family, but we live in quite a rural area which I have always disliked. Even before my teenage years I was a private, volatile and strange child (truly..I'm not trying to pointlessly imply I'm odd for no reason) so I looked forward to leaving and having a cordial relationship with them from a distance...nope. Didn't happen. All because I was too weak to accept any of the places I was offered hours away, because my self esteem was on the floor and I couldn't cope.

 

Essentially...I think my depression might ACTUALLY HAVE A REASON! this time round! That is that I'm doing a degree course that I'm performing well in but that really bores me, at a tiny university I don't even live at so its very hard to get to know anyone (many of the students are older/foreign to a great degree, which makes the barriers stronger). How I can't even drive for another 6 months (epilepsy). How I can't even EAT properly, I'm a disgusting person who lets everything run her down.

 

I keep in touch with, and see fairly regularly, several friends I knew from prior to starting university. I also have a parttime job in a pub/restaurant...I'm TRYING to be alive and *making the most of my life* but the fact remains I simply feel so awful, empty and a feeling of dread..this is my life for foreseeable future?

 

I was diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago, and I enjoy various cycles of that. I'm on Lamictal for epilepsy and its also prescribed for bipolar. I think it has affected me positively but I can feel this beginning of a major depressive episode.

 

I cannot do another degree/transfer - my parents are funding this degree and no other, now or in the future, thats the deal. Which is absolutely fair enough, but its this or nothing, because obviously I can't afford to fund one myself.

 

I just feel like I'm fading out again, my thoughts are racing, I feel horribly lonely and yet very on edge...I can't bear to talk to people some days, which are becoming more frequent, and this isnt a good sign. I *think I know what people are thinking*, and its just...a massive, stupid, POINTLESS MESS.

 

Therapy may help me, I suspect so if I let it. However, I know the practical thing to do to help myself would be to attempt to move out and work enough parttime hours to rent/share, whilst finding some motivation to study/find meaning in my degree, making lemonade out of lemons and so forth. This does mean I won't receive/keep my car/be able to learn to drive again because I won't be able to afford it.

 

Wow.

[Daddy Bear]

Welcome back, Ant. You've been missed by many.

[Entropy Smith]

The extreme alienation you feel will potentially prepare you for greatness in the future.

 

Your sensitivity/emotional roller coaster is both a gift and a curse. When you learn how to use your powers to for you instead of against you'll be Love Superstar. Its a long hard road and the evolution of it never really ends.

 

At one point i had to give up my car and take the bus. Its frustrating at times...but if its about the journey then the method/rate of travel is irrelevant. I find I do my best thinking waiting for the bus.

 

You go down sometimes. Thats ok and part of who you are. Sometimes just staying safe and not harming yourself is enough to ride out the storm.

 

Accept yourself by being humble. Focus on what you are grateful for. Its very hard to hurt when you are humble. I like to view myself as simply someone who contributes to this universe.

 

Good luck. You've definitly got some personality/style and alot of these things i mentioned i can tell you already know.

[FoxLocke]

Hi Anti-Love Superstar,

 

I used to be a regular on the boards about two years ago. And everytime I logged on I sought out your posts. You are always so 100% authentic. And I really admire and respect that. Your postings always to help me look at the idiosyncracies and foibles of life in a different way, including myself.

 

I've been where you're at. And the road isn't easy. I'm not manic depressive or anything, but I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and mild OCD. It took alot of hard work to deal with both of those issues. Am I cured of them? No. Have I managed to co-exist and cope with them? Yes, I have.

 

At the present time you're in a bad place. But while there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel there is. Go through the healing process and look to the future. That is all I can say. And use everything at your disposal, whether it be therapy, medication, or throwing yourself into your school work. Don't let the darkness overtake you.

 

Take care luv.