aussielis Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 yes i agree it was my fault be allowing it. and i said a number of times when he said it was all my fault that it takes two, but instead i got yelled at for being 'defensive'. are you saying that i was too clingy? was the hit in the arm at the start just a normal thing? we had been arguing a lot before and may be he was just frustrated? Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 plus in the end i also after all this abuse bit him and hit him as he had told me he didnt want any calls if i got sick the next day after my op? Link to comment
shoppingGirl Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 yes i agree it was my fault be allowing it. and i said a number of times when he said it was all my fault that it takes two, but instead i got yelled at for being 'defensive'. are you saying that i was too clingy? was the hit in the arm at the start just a normal thing? we had been arguing a lot before and may be he was just frustrated? None of that is normal..he should NEVER put his hands on you in anger..PERIOD. There are lots of good men out there that dont' hit or verbally abuse their gf when they are angry. I don't think it is right that someone said you are "clingy" so that caused him to react this way. You had nothing to do with his abusive actions..you may have stayed longer than you should have and fought back but you probably were confused and didn't know how to react to this. Have you been in an abusive relationship before? I am just wondering if it is a pattern and you 'seek' out these kinds of men. Please don't take any blame at all. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 None of that is normal..he should NEVER put his hands on you in anger..PERIOD. There are lots of good men out there that dont' hit or verbally abuse their gf when they are angry. I don't think it is right that someone said you are "clingy" so that caused him to react this way. You had nothing to do with his abusive actions..you may have stayed longer than you should have and fought back but you probably were confused and didn't know how to react to this. Have you been in an abusive relationship before? I am just wondering if it is a pattern and you 'seek' out these kinds of men. Please don't take any blame at all. I read it again and wanted to clarify, because I don't think OP you're clingy. I think that you are possibly staying in the relationship longer than you should... I agree with Anna, don't take any blame for this @$$'s actions. I wanted to merely state that now you have an opportunity to get to know yourself better. *Thanks for pointing that out Anna* Link to comment
amure Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 lol my answer wont be much diffrent from anyone elses... except, maybe theres something thats happened/happening that might cause him to be like this... either way, you shouldn't be in a abusive relationship... good luck Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 except, maybe theres something thats happened/happening that might cause him to be like this... either way, you shouldn't be in a abusive relationship... happening like what?? Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 well, it's been no contact for a week. Then ran into him at festival, he was talking to my mate asking him if he'd 'heard the news' that we had split up, my mate male, very protective told him he didnt wanna and to stay away from me. we didn't talk as he walked off i stood in a trance and he walked off. i feel soooo sad, that it's go to this.. another mate later saw him at drug club he walked straight up and said 'did you know i have split up with lisa' he didnt wanna know either. why is doing that with my friends??im sad cos i miss him.. Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 20, 2008 Author Share Posted February 20, 2008 Well, im trying so hard not to call and to move on, but i go one day ok then the next bawling. Like today. I am so ashamed of myself, I went out on weekend and wrote myself off and then again last night. Went crazy. I am so lonely & sad, and I miss him but i know i cant call and im wondering why i have not heard from him since 3 week's ago when we split?? Was I that bad, he know's i was sick and hasn't bothered to check? He kept telling me I was making his life a misery, how?? He said i was forcing him to be with me for 6 months? How could that be? I just want someone to love me for me and not fall out of love with me? I dont know what i did to make him fall out of love? Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 23, 2008 Author Share Posted February 23, 2008 Facebook Well, silly me. Checked his facebook, he has so many woman on there. Dating applications, FMH top 100, and all his friends are woman. Didnt take him long to move on. I feel sick and just threw up, i know it was bad of me to look. Just cant believe how long it took him. Idiot. I still haven't heard from him to see how my tests went.Why?? Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 24, 2008 Share Posted February 24, 2008 It's actually very good that he's moved on. But it's VERY bad that you're still pining over someone who treated you so badly. I know it hasn't been that long, and it takes time to get over him, but your own behavior is also very alarming. You should get yourself into counseling ASAP to see why you are feeling this way about a man who hit you, and to see why you're throwing up when you see he has clearly moved on. Your throwing up is a clue that you have some very deep emotional problems, probably not related to his behavior. You do seem unreasonably obsessed with him in a very unhealthy way. And when in counseling you should also mention your own out-of-control abusive behavior, because there's just no way in the world you should have bitten him for kissing another woman. My advice is for you to try to accept that it's over, and to get yourself some professional help as soon as you can, to help with your own problems. Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 25, 2008 Author Share Posted February 25, 2008 I am having help. I have been through a lot with him & especially how he treated me when i was in hospital so throwing up i think was shock and all the trauma i have been going through. I can't believe that he could be on the net so quickly and perceive himself as someone i thought he wasn't.I don't know how someone could move on so quickly. Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 25, 2008 Share Posted February 25, 2008 I do understand that throwing up is a sign of emotional shock, but it's not a normal reaction under these circumstances. It's more of a sign that you have very deep emotional problems that need to be addressed with a professional. I'm glad you're getting help that way. Otherwise, you just have to let him go. Besides, neither one of you was good for the other. He's just moving on in a way that is a blow to your ego, but the really good thing is that he is moving on. Or perhaps think of it like this... you two were fighting, and then broke up, because his behavior didn't suit you. So it's actually very reasonable to expect that his "break-up" behavior also wouldn't suit you. After all, even when he was still with you he was kissing another woman, right? So in some ways you shouldn't be so shocked that he's now getting interested in other women so soon. I mean, it actually makes perfect sense under the circumstances. So... no big surprise there. I can't believe that he could be on the net so quickly and perceive himself as someone i thought he wasn't. From your own description of the relationship he is actually doing and being exactly what he was always doing and being. He really hasn't changed now. But for some reason you're holding onto an image of him that doesn't exist. When you're able to let go of the hope that he will magically turn into a thoughtful and sensitive man during this break-up phase, you'll hurt less, and get over him sooner. Your job now, is to think of how to let him go and move on with your life, for your own sake. If you check up on him to see how he's doing, or what he's doing, or who he's doing it with... you just torture yourself, as you've already noticed. Good luck. Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 26, 2008 Author Share Posted February 26, 2008 So you are saying that this facebook behaviour now is something that he always was?? Apart from the kissing girl thing and disappearing act at nightclubs, he made himself out to be faithful and sincere this is why i am in shock and i just cant understand when someone care's for you how they can move on so quickly? Are you saying its a good thing that he is moved on so quickly cos he needs to stay away from me?? Link to comment
zamboa Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 From my experience abusers are usually in complete denial. My husband has verbally abused me for years. It started of with just little ones...and after I accepted that, it just got worse and worse. He pushed me before...but said it was because of my actions. I have learned you cant ever let someone blame you for their actions. He needs therapy...the problem is abusers usually dont think they need help or have a problem. If he doesnt want the help...leave now! Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 26, 2008 Author Share Posted February 26, 2008 So you think he is an abuser? Maybe i made him like that cos i made him stay with me? Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 So you are saying that this facebook behaviour now is something that he always was?? Yes. Apart from the kissing girl thing and disappearing act at nightclubs, he made himself out to be faithful and sincere this is why i am in shock and i just cant understand when someone care's for you how they can move on so quickly? Bad people are never 100% bad. There are always both good and bad qualities in everyone. But I'm trying to point out that you also weren't happy with him before the breakup. If he wasn't so great before the breakup, why would you expect him to magically turn into something great after the breakup? Are you saying its a good thing that he is moved on so quickly cos he needs to stay away from me?? It's good he's away from you because you shouldn't be getting slapped around by him. And it's good to break up when a relationship has turned into nothing but fighting and arguing. If you want him back, it means you want back someone that is not good for you. And you also aren't good for him. Neither of you is good for the other. So you think he is an abuser? Maybe i made him like that cos i made him stay with me? He is abusive, but I wouldn't say you made him that way. If you think you caused him to slap you, you're taking on too much responsibility for his behavior. You didn't make him abuse you, (just like he didn't make you bite him). Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 26, 2008 Author Share Posted February 26, 2008 Miss M, do you think he will do this to his next girlfriend?? Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 Miss M, do you think he will do this to his next girlfriend?? Sweetheart, I just wonder why it matters to you what he does with his next girfriend? Why are you asking that question? Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 26, 2008 Author Share Posted February 26, 2008 Sweetheart, I just wonder why it matters to you what he does with his next girfriend? Why are you asking that question? because im wondering if made him be violent or if it is something in him. Link to comment
Censored Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 Well, maybe you ARE a frustrating, annoying, nagging pain in the ass. Even if you are that is NOT an excuse for him to hit you. Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 26, 2008 Share Posted February 26, 2008 because im wondering if made him be violent or if it is something in him. So instead of trying to move on, you're comparing yourself to his new girlfriends as a way to make yourself feel deserving of the abuse? So, if you conclude that you were the cause of his behavior, then what? What do you do with that information? What would you do next? Again, you cannot (and should not) take responsibility for his behavior. You're only responsible for how you behave, not anyone else. If he didn't like your behavior he should have walked away, and ended the relationship, not hit you. Of course if someone did like you and swung at me, and bit me, I'd probably throw a few punches myself before I'd remember to just walk away. But I'd still have to take responsibility for my own actions, and not blame the other person. Which one of you attacked first? Which one of you was acting in self-defense? Even so, I would NOT hang around to risk having a repeat episode of that. Have you discussed any of your confusion about this with your therapist? Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 So how do you suggest i move on from this i have no motivation and feel so depressed all the time, my mind is ticking over, i havent been working just sleeping? Link to comment
aussielis Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Of course if someone did like you and swung at me, and bit me, I'd probably throw a few punches myself before I'd remember to just walk away. But I'd still have to take responsibility for my own actions, and not blame the other person. Which one of you attacked first? Which one of you was acting in self-defense? Even so, I would NOT hang around to risk having a repeat episode of that. Have you discussed any of your confusion about this with your therapist? tonight i did and she said that he will probably have the same behavouir in his next relationship, as someone not putting the lid on toothpaste properly is not a cause to start punching walls and going crazy. do you agree?? Link to comment
Enigmatika Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 as someone not putting the lid on toothpaste properly is not a cause to start punching walls and going crazy. do you agree?? No....most definitely NOT the cause. He has Major problems. DO an exit stage left....this one is BAD news. Link to comment
Aurian Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I agree. Unless he changes his ways, his next girlfriend will probably be the target of his abuse as well. However, most of the time they will not change and simply in their own world continue to blame you. However, you can`t worry about his "victims" - you need to worry about yourself. Take care of yourself and leave. It doesn`t get better. My ex was very good at hurting me, then making me believe I deserved it in some way. However, you need to think logically for a minute. In what world is leaving the cap off a toothpaste deserve such a violent reaction? Nevermind that such a reaction should never show up in a relationship period, but can you understand logically how stupid that is? My ex screamed at me for hours over a comment I made about a soccer game we were watching together. He disagreed with my thought on what the team's tactics were. Five hours later, I was a sobbing wreck, he was screaming at me still and threatening to kill me. * * * ? When you`re in the situation, somehow its really easy to get guilted into believing that you caused it. But can you just stop and look at things with your head and turn off your heart for a bit? Link to comment
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