Is this abuse?

[Miss M]

Have you discussed any of your confusion about this with your therapist?

 

tonight i did and she said that he will probably have the same behavouir in his next relationship, as someone not putting the lid on toothpaste properly is not a cause to start punching walls and going crazy. do you agree??

 

I meant, did you discuss with your therapist about your obsession about what he's doing now? And have you asked her how to help you move on? Also did you ask her to help you understand what is and isn't abuse? Many of us have said it's not okay for him to be violent against you, but you still seem to be having trouble grasping it, that violence against you isn't acceptable.

 

Whether he hits the next woman or not, or whether he was like that before he met you, or whether will still be like that after he's moved on, none of that is relevant. Besides, that's really not the best way to determine whether it was okay or not okay for him to hit you. If you physically attacked him and he hit you in self-defense, I wouldn't call that abuse, but anything besides self-defense gets classified as abuse.

 

And you need to now start shifting your attention on yourself as much as possible. You need to look toward trying to heal, not checking on him to see what he's doing, and with whom.

[aussielis]

I meant, did you discuss with your therapist about your obsession about what he's doing now? And have you asked her how to help you move on? Also did you ask her to help you understand what is and isn't abuse? Many of us have said it's not okay for him to be violent against you, but you still seem to be having trouble grasping it, that violence against you isn't acceptable.

 

Yes i told her im not moving on but she said i have to otherwise i will be messed up, she said i have to start working and going on over everything, i have been going out a lot and seeing friends. She said his actions on facebook mean he is a loser. And maybe was lying the whole time to me although he wasn't the best in bed so i dont know why he would call himself dr love. i think im upset cos i haven't heard a word from him to check how i am after my illness and that hurts that someone could be so cruel.

[Miss M]

i think im upset cos i haven't heard a word from him to check how i am after my illness and that hurts that someone could be so cruel.

And that comes right back to what I mentioned before. If he was cruel before, why are you confused when he's doing the same thing now (except I really don't see it as cruel for him to ignore you and move on. After all, you told him it was over, so he accepted what you said and left you alone. I don't see that as a problem at all, and it's not cruel either.) But to continue my point... if he wasn't caring while you were still together, and if he didn't care when you were in the hospital, why do you think he would care now? You keep saying "why doesn't he check on me?" and "how could he just move on so quickly?" Well, it's simply not logical for him to care about you now if he already demonstrated that he didn't care about you earlier.

 

Whatever he's doing now it seems he's just minding his own business, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. If he's ignoring you that's fine too. It doesn't make him a bad person to ignore you after you told him the relationship was over. It doesn't make him a loser to get active on facebook again. It doesn't make him cruel to ignore you now.

 

But you seem to keep looking/hoping for something that doesn't exist, that never existed. Really, it's not even logical to keep looking for evidence that he cares about you. And that's where you need your therapist to help you, to figure out yourself, not to figure out him. She should be helping you to learn to cope, to accept that it's time to let go, to help you to stop obsessing and wanting something that doesn't even exist. And she should be helping you sort out why you even want so much attention from someone who you say treated you so badly.

 

i told him i never wanna hear/speak to him again

i will not go back i mean that. i have not contacted him at all.

So, he's actually being very respectful of your wishes, doing exactly as you requested. Isn't that correct?

 

i will not go back i mean that. i have not contacted him at all.

Good idea. Stick with that.

 

And now start your healing process. Your therapist gave you some good advice, get busy doing other things that are good for mind and body. Find some interesting activities that excite you. And try to hang out with some different people too.

[aussielis]

Hi Miss M

Not sure if you read my post correctly do you have private message??As don't wanna say it on here?

I understand what you are saying, but i was very very sick whilst i was in hospital and was finding out results a week later, he told me bout his need for other woman whilst in was in there. He told me for a long time no matter what he would always be around and there for me even if we split up. I am upset cos he hasn't even bothered to see how my results went??

[timzter]

LEAVE HIM!

 

He's so obviously not a man...

[Miss M]

Hi Miss M

Not sure if you read my post correctly do you have private message??As don't wanna say it on here?

I understand what you are saying, but i was very very sick whilst i was in hospital and was finding out results a week later, he told me bout his need for other woman whilst in was in there. He told me for a long time no matter what he would always be around and there for me even if we split up. I am upset cos he hasn't even bothered to see how my results went??

I'm sure he said some things that weren't true. I'm pretty sure he mistreated you some of the time. I'm sure you're very confused by his inconsistent behavior where his words didn't match his deeds. I'm pretty sure he lied to you about the type of person he is. I'm sure he blamed you for his bad behavior in ways that aren't fair to you and is confusing to you. But if you told him you never wanted to speak to or hear from him, and if he disappeared after that, that's not abuse. Even if he said he'd be around caring for you after you split up, and then if he disappeared, it means he either lied previously, or he changed his mind about his promise, but it's still not abuse. If he didn't check on you while you were in the hospital, that's not abuse. If you told him to get lost and he turned his back and walked away, kissed another woman 5 minutes later, as hurtful and disrespectful as it feels to you, even that's still not abuse.

 

And if he's now on facebook with 50 million new women friends, kissing and having sex with all of them, that's also not abuse. You seem mixed up about what is abuse and what's not, mixing apples and oranges. That's why I suggested to talk to your therapist to get an understanding of what are and aren't the abusive parts of your relationship. But trying to make him the bad guy just because he is not caring about you AFTER the breakup, just because he is staying away from you, just because he has moved on quickly to other women, that's really pointless.

 

Doing an autopsy on the relationship is a very good idea. If it was a confusing/toxic/abusive relationship, then figuring out what happened will help you understand, heal and then move on. Seeing that he previously lied to you about his character will certainly give you some insight into your overall confusion. If he blamed you for things that weren't your fault, then understanding that is also important for your healing process. But trying to make him into the bad guy/loser/jerk/abuser just because he's ignoring you AFTER you told him to get lost is pretty useless. Most abuse victims are trying to figure out how to avoid all contact with an abuser, so they don't succumb to his charms again. But your ex is totally ignoring you, has moved on with his life, and you're perplexed about why he's doing that?

 

I promise I will carefully reread every one of your posts again. If I've misunderstood something I'm very willing to be corrected.

 

And yes, PM me if you want to tell me more about what happened.

[aussielis]

hello i have pm you..

[aussielis]

Well i now find out he is going on 2 week contiki europe holiday with 2 chix he met in a nightclub, he has no male friends.

He wouldnt even go on a holiday 2 hours away with me sits on his bum all the time..

Why??

He hates holiday's (waste of money) and plus has OCD badly, i.e. neatness and checks everything 10 times..

[Anotherday]

my boyfriend has been angry, blaming and abusive too me in the past 6 months.

he was never at the start. but we started arguing a lot.

one time we were in car and my phone rang for a job interview and started yelling 'shutup' keep ya voice down' (he thinks i talk too loud) i waved my finger at him to say 'shhhhhhhhh' as it was job interview. he then slapped/punched me once in the arm. he then afterwards said he never did it and got angry when i brought it up.

is this abuse or the start? he was nice before?

 

Yes, they are always nice at the beginning. In fact, they can seem too good to be true, and they are. Oh, if he's denying what he did, you are in big trouble. That's what they do. They tell you they didn't do something, when they did. They blame you for everything. They never take responsibility for anything. It does escalate.

 

Towards the end of my relationship, he actually sat and screamed at me at 11 p.m. to move my trash, so he could park in my garage. I think he honked. Here I was at the other end of the house and all he would have had to do was get out of his car and move the trash can himself. He then came in and proceeded to call me an idiot and walked out on me. It didn't start out that way, trust me. Every ending he was the perfect angel. It only gets worse. Your guy has been physical now, so time to leave, although I know it's hard.

[aussielis]

hmm some people on here seem to think dont know what abuse is and said my posts on here aren't abuse, what do you think??

[Miss M]

A few people on here abusing me..

If some people here are abusing you that's something you should report to one the moderators. The mod for this forum is DN, or you can also contact Hope75. Just contact one of them by PM, so they can investigate the problems you're having. If it's something someone wrote to you in a PM, they might ask you to forward copies to them.

[aussielis]

Well i saw him on the weekend, on his own as per usual, the whole time trying to talk to random people, I didn't speak to him and walked away, felt sorry for him, just mean's I am handling myself well (Miss M) not being obsessed.

Thanks