I guess I know all the answers...

[some strange girl]

... I just need to talk about it so I can put my thoughts in order. Any input is welcome.

 

I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 2 years and 3 months a few days ago, since then been bursting into tears every ten minutes and brooding over our relationship.

 

This is what happenend: we have a long (well, not that long - 2 hours) distance relationship, and now that I am home for a month he has also taken a holiday and we were looking forward to spending time together. saw him on saturday, then unexpectedly got free tickets for a ball and as I love to dance I went there with a female friend because I know he's not interested in such events. However I would have liked him to come with me and was a bit sad that he wouldn't, but instead went on a night out with his best friend. Said I'd call him next day so that we could go and see the tourism exhibition in our town. Didn't go because he was still hangoverish. Asked him if he would go to the museum with me and a friend; no because he hates my best friend. Didn't ask him to join me and my parents on a fancy dinner because I know he hates my parents (and they don't approve of him). Would have liked him to be by my side on all of these occasions.

 

So I told him on the phone that I had the feeling we didn't really have anything in common and were pursuing our interests separately most of the time. Well, to keep it short - we had a three hour telephone conversation and one thing led to another and he ended up accusing me of being irresponsible, not living a 'real' life, criticising my academic ambitions and basically telling me all the things that I feared in my worst nightmares and are a big source of insecurity. What he said did hurt a lot even if it was just because he was so mad at the moment.

He kept talking and accusing me for a long time, and although I cannot believe that he is saying all those things I cannot defend myself and tend to keep quiet, as I am a very shy person and in situations of conflict, even when he would ask me to state my point of view, I just go silent. I know that this is something I have to work on, yet it is so hard to overcome.

 

Next day I went to see him to give back his stuff, and he was very calm and sweet, saying he didn't want us to break up angrily because he still loved me. Said he thought a lot last night and that it couldn't work out for him because he cannot wait for me to come home any longer (I plan to go back to the city he lives in, our hometown, and I know he has desperately wanted me to move in with him for a long time which I denied so far due to financial reasons and due to having the feeling I need to prove that I can make it on my own, as he thinks I am so immature). So I will go back, in one or two years, but he wouldn't wait because 'time is running out' (he is 25) and 'he doesn't want to be a father when he's thirty' (?!?!). Now I know he's very much the family guy, and I appreciate that but there seems to be such a conflict of interests. As I said, we have no common activities that weld us together as a couple and I think that sometimes, then, love is not enough.

 

Yet, I miss him so much right now. He was my first love and has taught me so much about relationships, he really loved me from all of his heart and wanted a family with me. Sounds stupid, but before I met him I had no idea what love was and I've never been so close to anybody. So now I'm stuck with all that sentimental crap. And if I'm honest, I would perhaps try again, but what he said on the phone was so disrespectful and it shook me to the core because those were my worst fears as regards my self-image. I cannot believe that he thinks of me that way 'but still loves me'. Then again, I think to myself, why give up on something like that? Why not work on it instead of throwing it all away, as so many couples do nowadays?

If I understood it correctly, he said he would take me back anytime if I were only here with him and not long-distance because I would have been 'the one'.

 

Oh well. I could go on and on and on about this relationship but I'll leave it at that for now. Guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I want to tell him so much but I can't, and I tend to have severe communication problems face-to-face, despite the fact that it would probably hurt both of us too much, seeing each other now. I thought of writing him a letter, not an angry one, but rather for closure. I think that would help me a lot.

 

Just another break-up story I guess, but instead of staying in my current state ---> I might just as well share my story with you and hope that it has a therapeutic effect.

 

Thanks for reading this!

[mzde]

Ok first of all don't ever let anyone disrespect you! If he really loved you then he wouldn't have disrespected you in the first place. As to the things he told you maybe they are true and you just don't want to accept them. I was in a relationship like that. We really loved each other but we just didn't have the same intrest my goals in life were driving me one way and his another. You have to come to a mutual agrrement that you guys will either be together or be friends this is not healthy to keep running back and forth. Some times love isn't enough to keep you together

[PixelPusher]

Wow... so let me get this straight: He refused to meet up with you because he doesn't want to support you in your favorite things to do, he went and got drunk with his friend, didn't go the next day due to a hangover, and didn't want to go because he doesn't like your best friend.

 

And he called YOU irresponsible? Who in this situation is at home with a hangover?

 

I'm sorry, but you're right: He was very disrespectful to you and I don't blame you for your decision. Someone who loves you goes and does things with you, even if they don't like it. Someone who loves you takes a couple Advil and deals with a hangover. Someone who loves you wants to be with you even if they don't like your best friend.

 

I'm sorry, but there is NOTHING wrong with being a father at 30+. In fact, in his case, it sounds like he needs that time to mature!

[some strange girl]

thanks very much for your replies.

 

@ mzde:

 

you wrote "As to the things he told you maybe they are true and you just don't want to accept them." I am thinking about this all the time, that perhaps he was right with some things and did just exaggerate in his anger (which is understandable). I guess I'm still so hurt by what he said that if he was right, it will take some time for me to be able to handle it.

 

@ PixelPusher:

 

fact is that he has a stable job situation which he is very glad about and I know that for him, the next step is living together and in a few years have a family. I know he is jealous of people having settled down in their early twenties. I am now twenty-two, still studying, which means I will need a few years from now to build up my life, get a job and the usual, so we are at different stages in our lives which do not fit together, as I see it.