To distance myself or not to... help!

[Dexter]

Last night my ex called me and was straight up about telling me that she doesn't like me like that anymore and doesn't want to get back together with me. We have been broken up for about 6 months now but throughout the whole time I have gotten a lot of mixed signals from her. Just this last weekend we hung out a lot, and cuddled and were just close. We have kissed a few times and we have slept together twice. We ended up sleeping together this past weekend and she admitted to me that it should never have happened and she wanted to make sure that I wasn't confused by it and that it didn't mean that she likes me. My problem now is that I obviously still have feelings of wanting to be more than friends with her, but she does not.

 

We have been trying to be friends for the past 6 months but there has always been akwardness between us and I think a lot of that is caused because I still have feelings for her. I told her that I may need time of not talking/seeing her so I can get over her 100% but she did not think that is a good idea. I know that I need to do what is right for me and not what she thinks but the reason why she thinks that is because now we have a lot of Mutual friends. I have been talking to/hanging out with her best friend/roommate a lot and with that I have also become good friends with a group of other people that my ex is also friends with. If I were to cut off contact with her, it would not work because we would still talk to/see each other when hanging out with our friends. I'm kind of stuck and not quite sure where to go from here. We both want to honestly be good friends and not have any akwardness between us. She mentioned that she just wants to "start over" and put the past and the bad stuff behind us, and I want to do that too, but it's just hard because I want more than anything to get back together with her.

 

I think I can still be friends with her and all and get over my feelings for her while still being in contact, but I have also been saying that for the past 6 months. I think the problem may be though that we would be "close" at times and I would often get the wrong impression and false hopes and maybe if that stops 100% and she does not let that stuff happen anymore then maybe it will be easier for me to move on and not have those feelings and false hopes anymore.

 

Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do, how did it turn out, what do you suggest I do??

[The Morrigan]

Can you limit the contact with her specifically to when you happen to end up in the group of people you're out with for now? My feeling is there'd be a little less pressure when you're in a group than trying to talk to her one on one for now, less internal pressure from your feelings when there's other people to talk to and hang with, since complete no contact isn't an option. You can at least control the intimacy level and have a "buffer" that way, being friendly, but keep the distance from more individual and personal contact, ESPECIALLY physical contact. You're still strongly attracted to her, and attraction and emotion are very closely intertwined after a long relationship, so don't get yourself in a position where you're intensifying your feelings. If she asks about it, be honest with her, tell her you want to be friends with her, but you can't keep your feelings at a "friendly" level yet when you're closer, and tell her you need time for that.

[lokagirla]

the morrigan is right. try to get the less contact possible.

a friend of mine had a similar situation. he had an off&on relationship with a girl.. christ... he thought she was THE one. constant contact just made him hurt over the whole situation. she went to study to the US and he sacrificed himself to study there also just to be with her. eventually stuff really started to die so he ended the semester and came back to puerto rico. she would call him even after she had declared a final decision over the breakup. she came to visit to puerto rico already separated and yet they slept together. he tried, but he still had feelings for her although she had none but regret regarding the event afterwards. he went to psychologists and all of his friends including me tried to convince him that she was wrong for him... besides ... she was even using drugs in the end and wasnt really showing signs of wanting to do better in anything. he is such a great guy... he smokes a lot... but hes a very cool boy, funny and spr smart. he didnt have to let go of his life for a girl that didnt deserve it. but you know, like they say, you can take the horse to the river but you cant make it drink the water... it wasnt until he got hurt many times that he on his own discovered she was just not right. she was doin him everythin but good. so there, he bumped his head many times... maaany and it took him almost a year to get out of this. he disconnected his cell phone for a while then connected it like after 2 months. i called him yesterday and he told me she had called him and hanged up. he responded the missed call not knowing who it was and she answered... he didnt recognize her until she finally said "you dont even remember me?" so he just sent her to hell and hanged up. i really think she deserved it for driving someone nuts with her own insecurity problems. she should start workin on her relationship with herself not go around ruining people's lives. so there, she sent him to hell many times before... it was his turn... and you know what? he felt relieved he did so. time will make you heal and see things clearly so that you can realize that what you feel for that person is nothing but regret for the past... it is the present... and there is no future with her... but who cares about what i tell you? you probably need to bump your heads a few times...