please help me i feel sick

[buffalosoldier]

I feel sick to my stomach.

 

I have a suspicion that my boyfriend went to a club/pub with strippers there one saturday night when i wasnt with him.

 

Ive basically come to this conclusion after putting two and two together on a few things,its hard to explain but i wouldnt have this idea for no reason.Maybe im just being paranoid but its driving me crazy.People say this sort of thing is totally innocent,but how can it be when i feel this bad?and if its so innocent why didnt my bf come out and tell me he went to see some sluts dancing for him?

 

I dont get it,why bother?this is hurting me so much already and i dont even know if its true yet,but the thing is it was a couple of weekends ago so its gonna seem weird if i suddenly bring it up to him now isnt it?i did wonder why he never told me what he did on the saturday we didnt spend together,he was probably avoiding telling me so he didnt have to lie.

 

What can i do?i feel so horrible,like ive been violated.I dont see why he cant be satisfied with me.what if he did go.that would break my heart,i would have to break it off with him if i found out he did,this is partly why its killing me so much.Im not gonna have someone doing things like this.It hurts so bad.

 

Please help im going out of my mind,i know all of this probably sound stupid and yeh he didnt cheat on me,but he's already seen these slags naked so he might aswell!!

 

please help what can i do i feel like being sick right now

[Self Discoverer]

Hold it there Buffalo Soldier

 

You don't know that you bf done anything like what you suggest. it is all your suspicion at the moment.

 

You say that you've put two an two together on a few things, well maybe you're making five here.

 

The key to any relationship is communication and It sounds like you really need to open up about your fears with your bf.

 

Talk to him and find out what did or didn't happen. When you know the truth then you can act on that basis. If he cares about you then he will understand your worries. And if he's lies or evades things then I don't think that he's worth the effort.

 

Take care

[buffalosoldier]

Thanks for your help.But thats just the point,HOW AM I EVER GOING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH IF HE DECIDES TO LIE?? i cant stand this stupid situation i feel like just saying to the world.I feel like crap

[Self Discoverer]

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH IF HE DECIDES TO LIE??

 

If you don't trust your bf then maybe you have more deep seated issues with him that need resolving. It is extremely scary to give someone that trust, and an immense privelege to receive it.

 

Can you honestly say that you trust your bf. If not then talk to him. Don't let things fester in your mind. From personal experience you will feel a lot better getting things off your chest.

 

Feel free to PM me

[buffalosoldier]

how can i trust him if i dont know whether he's telling the truth or not.Am i supposed to believe everything he says,i dont get it,its so hard.if i believe whatever he tells me then he gets away with it.anyway will find it hard saying anything coz i dont want to look like an obsessive girlfriend,im already a bit too paranoid for my own good.

 

I dont want him to get horny looking at other women it upsets me just to think about it,and what upsets me more is the fact that i cant do a thing about it

[ShatteredHalo]

You know what, don't worry about anything. Obviously you are a very protective GF, (which isn't bad, cuz I am protective as well), but you cannot shun your BF what so ever for going out to a strip bar. Trust me when I say that he didn't go because he is not satisfied with you. He went because he wanted to have a good time with his friends and have a few beers...only difference is that there were naked women dancing. This is not serious enough for you to break it off with him, and it isn't a big deal at all. If you break it off with him over something this innocent, then he wasn't yours to begin with if you're gonna drop him so easily.

Just lighten up a bit, okay? He's a grown man and is entitled to going where ever he wants without fear of being questioned, and so should you.

Forget about it, okay? This isn't a big deal.

 

Too much graceful drapery obscures the strength of the body beneath.

-E&B

[buffalosoldier]

But whats wrong with going to a bar where their arent naked women?? i think it is serious,ive been with him a long time and its upsetting me enough to not want to bother with the relationship anymore so it must be.if its innocent,why couldnt he tell me?thats what i dont understand.Its all innocent,he hasnt done a thing wrong bla bla but yet he couldnt tell me.

 

I dont understand the fasination with ruining your relationship for the sake of seeing a naked woman flaunt themselves in front of you??can someone enlighten me or am i just blind?

[Self Discoverer]

I dont want him to get horny looking at other women it upsets me just to think about it,and what upsets me more is the fact that i cant do a thing about it

 

Whether or not he gets horny looking at other men is besides the point. The fact is he has chosen to be with you and nobody else. You can't expect him to be with you 24 hours a day , and frankly that wouldn't be healthy.

 

You've got to learn to chill out a bit and cherish the time that you spend with him. Let him have his time away from you and learn to appreciate your life outside of his.

 

As I said before, learn to trust him. I know it's hard but it's worth it

[buffalosoldier]

Im not expecting to be with him 24 hours a day,that wasnt my point,the point is about him going and the fact that this has hurt me beyond belief and if the tables were turned it would more than likely upset him too.

 

is it really worth trusting him when he does things like this,i mean first its porn and all that nonsense and now this,whats it gonna be next,him cheating on me??i feel like id go through less pain in fact if he just got on and did it rather than driving me mad with all these 'almost but not quite' scenarios.

 

I love him to bits but why is it that the ones you love the most can hurt you the most.Yes,im his girlfriend,thereforeeee doesnt that mean anything??

[j-boe]

Sluts? Some are in college. Working their way to something better... Porn.

 

-j

[buffalosoldier]

thanks but whats your point?

[j-boe]

Don't judge too quickly. That's my point.

 

-j

[buffalosoldier]

Judge what? the strippers?sorry just my personal opinion,if someone takes their clothes off for a bunch of men,then they cant be that bright?and if they ARE bright why are they doing that and not something that involves using their intelligence?no offence intended this is just what i think,but amyway thats not the issue,the strippers arent to blame here,its my bf that went to see them and thats what im posting about.

[buffalosoldier]

And i apologise to anyone on here that is a stripper or knows a stripper,im just really upset at the moment and need to know what to do,am i really the one thats wrong in all of this?just be as blunt as you like,id rather know the truth if im blowing this outta proportion or not.Its just i find it hard to understand how this can be that innocent when it makes me feel so bad,is the problem really with me here?why dont men usually get this problem with their gf's?

[j-boe]

Statement retracted.

 

But in all honesty hun. You have nothing to worry about; strip clubs aren't always about sex (unless you're a very lonely person?) If he went with friends it was probably about having loads of laughs and just having fun. That's what it was for me, and I explained that to my girlfriend.

 

-j

[The Morrigan]

Honestly - this is something that may come up again, what happens when his friends have bachelor parties? A lot of them get strippers, would you expect him to not go if one would be there? Would you not go to a bachelorette party if there was going to be a male stripper?

 

A LOT of actual strip clubs have VERY strict rules about sexual contact with the customers - as in, act like a hooker on the side, get fired. They're there to dance, not to "perform" in that manner. If a guy wants to look for a quick lay, that's generally not where they go. Much easier to talk to friends about who "puts out" easily. If he's looking to cheat on you, whether he goes to a strip club isn't going to make a difference one way or the other. If you can trust his intentions at a regular bar where there's more women hitting on guys, you should be able to trust him almost anywhere.

 

That's what it comes down to - why do you feel like you can't trust him? Is there things he says or does that gives that impression, or is it a combination of the other things you've mentioned, the hanging out with his friends when they're not making the effort to be real friends, and the other things you've mentioned?

 

One more thing to consider - guys can get horny pretty easily lol... but it says something that rather than pursue whatever or whoever got his hormones kicked up a notch - he comes home to you, because it's not really them he wants, it's you.

 

Talk to him instead of confronting him - he may well avoid the subject if he thinks you'll be emotional and hurt, thinking he's doing you a favor, when it really just adds to the feeling there's something to feel bad about. Even if it's something you're not thrilled with, it's always easier being told honestly than letting the imagination go into overdrive and having to wonder.

[buffalosoldier]

Thankyou for your words Morrigan.

Its not that i feel i cant trust him as such,i just dont see why he went.and what if this leads to other things.i hate thinking of him looking at other women.how would i approach it though,he'd probably just deny it anyway so is there really any point?he knows me too well to know whether or not im calling his bluff or not,so it wouldnt really work me pretending to be ok with it just to get it out of him.why were these places invented????

[avman]

buffalosoldier,

 

Did you ever discuss this with him prior to him going that if he went to a strip club it would hurt you deeply?

 

If not, then maybe he sees this as "no big deal" where you see it as a very big deal. Maybe just a simple conversation with him will clear it up. Maybe he was curious and had never been to one before. Maybe he went and didn't even like it... Maybe he put up an argument with his buddies and they talked him into it anyway.

 

I guess my point is you are jumping to a lot of conclusions without all the information. I can see you are very upset over this. Take a little time and think about WHAT exactly upset you. Then please talk to him about it. It might put your fears to rest. Or, it might give you the answers you need regarding the relationship.

 

I am curious about this comment you made:

i approach it though,he'd probably just deny it anyway so is there really any point?

Do you really think so little of him right now? Is he that bad? Or is that just anger speaking?

[buffalosoldier]

Thanks avman.

 

In response to your question,no this isnt anger talking or anything,its something i believe to be true. I if do ask him,whats to stop him denying it and getting away with it?thats what i meant,and it could happen and then ive got no where.See your supposed to trust people until they prove you wrong but how can i possibly know whether he's telling the truth or not?i dont think i can which is what annoys me.-he could decide to tell me (if he did go) but what good would that do,he knows it would upset me but thats just my point,why do something he knows will upset me and then not tell me.ignorance is bliss?-no,i dont want to be kept in the dark and have all his stupid mates laughing at me behind my back because my boyfiend got away with deceiving me.

[avman]

I guess if you really feel that way about him I'd question why you are with him at all. I mean, do you honestly think he would go out of his way to hurt you and then laugh about it later?

 

Trust is a tricky thing. Its a lot like faith. You have to believe even though you don't see everything. If you trust someone, then you take their word as truth. Whether you can prove its the truth or not doesn't matter. Trust means you believe them. If you have trust, you are comfortable with the relationship and comfortable with yourself. If either of those two comforts is missing - you will not trust. And without trust, your relationship is in deep trouble. It will drive you crazy - just like its doing to you right now.

 

The answer to your question - the thing stopping him from denying it is his respect and love for you. Do you trust this? If so, then believe his answer. If not, then take a long hard look at your relationship and whether it is right for you. This won't be the first time you will have to rely solely on your trust for him. I just don't want you get hurt over and over again as a result.

 

Please PM if I can help you.

[lunatic]

Personally, I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. If you have such a problem with strip clubs then why don't you go to one with him one night. Huh? I think once you go inside this place then you see it is not what you are thinking it is. Most of the women in these places are lesbians or bi. They hit on women more than men because they are getting paid to talk to the guys. If you don't believe this then take him to the strip club and find out for yourself. I can tell you this from experience with my ex because she used to go with me because after the first time she went she found the place was not that bad. In New Jersey the girls are in bikinis and they can't touch you in any manner that is sexual. I think that almost all the states in the US are the same about the touching thing unless you are in Nevada. Plus, you might be surprised how many other couples visit these places together.

Go see for yourself what it is all about before you go nuclear on him.

 

That is my advise.

Hubman

[akatoro]

I agree and feel with you, Buffalosoldier.

 

I guess what bothers you the most is that those women are turning him on, huh?

[bdub]

soldier,

 

Trust is really whats at the bottom of this issue. Trust is not something to be given, it is to be earned. But the person giving the trust also has to take some risks at some point. Open communication helps with this department. Without knowing the past between you, it sounds like you don't trust him, for whatever reason. Has he done things in the past that broke the trust? Has somebody like a family member or close friend betrayed your trust? If he or somebody else has broken your trust, then I can relate to where you stand. It is difficult to trust again after trust has been broken. If he has given you no reason not to trust him, then this issue lies more on you than him. You need to take a step back and try to figure out why you don't trust him and if you should continue a relationship where the trust is not there. From reading your other posts, it sounds like you have nothing solid to base your accusations on. Just that you don't trust him. I may be mistaken, though.

 

Being in a relationship takes work. And sometimes you have to be vulnerable to injury in order to keep the relationship strong.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[brosiamarie]

coming from a girl perspective at first I hated strip clubs and anything to do with them because I had no idea what went on just rumors and what I could imagine but once I learned more and got more educated they are not that bad. you are there just to have a good time dont get me wrong I am not into girls. but majority of them are putting themselves through school or single parents trying to support their kids and alot of them do it just for the money. So dont be so upset it is innocent . approach your boyfriend by saying hey can we go to a strip club I am curious. and maybe he will open up to you and tell you the truth if he thinks your ok with it.

[Shyguy24]

Hi Sweets,

 

I am not going to tell u what is wrong with ur relationship or why dont u trust him and stuff;

 

What i am going to say is that , in any relationship we HAVE TO CROSS BRIDGES , ITS UPTO U WHICH ONES U WANT TO CROSS;

 

I WOULD SAY THAT IF IT BOTHERS U SO MUCH , THEN ITS OKAY I MEAN JUST CONFRONT HIM AND ASK HIM THAT HEY I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHETHER U WENT THERE OR WHAT !!

 

IF HE SAYS NO, THEN TAKE HIS ANSWER AT FACE VALUE AND JUST LIVE WITH IT , I MEAN i am sure that there is no way he did all this to hurt or annoy u ,

 

i am sure he went out with his mates and it was proably there idea anyway , as for seeing naked women , iam sure he surfs porn or see movies its but a natural human tendency ,

 

U CANT CONTROL THAT !! BUT U CAN CONTROL UR FAITH AND HONESTY IN THE RELATIONSHIP

 

 

U HAVE REACHED A BRIDGE UPTO U TO DECIDE HOW U WANT TO CROSS IT !

 

HEY TAKE CARE AND PM I AM ALWAYS RIGHT HERE !

HUG SHY