My life becomes my lie

[fieroscott]

I am a 32 year old married male with 2 wonderful children. I have a great job, wonderful wife and a mini-van. Ok....so the van is not that cool. But the family couldn't be better. Here is the kicker. I have a wife that is sexy as hell and would do anything for me. And what did I do...I have become addicted to porn sites, emailing various people from the sites, uselessly wasting our families money and worst of all...lying about it all to her. She has always been an intelligent woman, so, me hiding it became useless. She did eventually find out and this is now our second time apart. Apparently I learned nothing the first time. I have come to grips (pardon the pun) with the fact that, yes I am a porn addict. Did I ever like it...no. Did I ever get off on it....no. Did I ever stop....no. There is no rational reason behind the whys of it. Or at least i have never found any. The only thing I can come up with is, I have little or no respect for myself or others around me. The porn is something that started a while ago (2 years) the rest started a long time ago. Before we met. I don't really think I was ever really honest with anyone.....including myself. I have this image of myself that on the outside I try to uphold (big brave strong confident blah blah blah guy) but the truth could not be further from that. I have never had any confidence in anything I have done. I stayed in a dead end job for years simply because I didn't think I could do any better. My wife showed me I could. I did alot of drinking in my youth....and I mean alot. Got to a point I would consider myself a recovered alcoholic. As far as now....I think I just replaced one crutch with another. My wife constantly tells me how great I am and how much I am loved. And honestly I believe her.....but in my sad pitiful mind I think I am too convinced that I am not worthy of her....her love...her respect. So what do I do....I get online and do the dumbest thing possible. Chase her and my family away because I have to look at naked women on the net. When in reality, I love to look at her, feel her, touch her. She has a pair of eyes that can just take you in and leave you begging for me. unfortunately those beautiful eyes no longer light up when they see me.....they only show the disgust I deserve. I don't know if anyone else is going through this as well, perhaps I am a loner. In anycase, if I can't help myself to a point where I can become that confident strong man she used to see....at least let my words help someone else. I only have a few words of advice....well lets just say, they are do as I say, not do as I did. If you are married and you love your wife.....stay off the porn. If you feel you are addicted to it, tell her, seek help. Do not block her out. You will miss her everyday, as I miss mine now. And above all be honest with her. After all, she is the woman you married, the one you waited for, longed for, would die for, why would you need to look at others.

[avman]

Hi there and welcome to eNotalone,

 

I've read your post and I remembered that someone had once posted a link to a site on this topic. Here it is:

link removed

 

I'm not sure whether this has been effective or not, but have a look and see what you think.

 

There are also sexual addiction treatment centers that you can try. Contact a psychologist and ask them for a referral. Perhaps with treatment and the support of your wife you can make it through. There are many people out there who have been determined and beat very strong addictions. And if you want to - I'm sure you can be one of them too.

 

You are seeing the things in your life which are more important than your addiction, and thats a great step. Take it one small step at a time. You will make it.

[bdub]

I'd say that avman is right. I'd seek help. You have probably made the most difficult step to recovery already....admitting that you have an addiction that you aren't able to overcome yourself. And for that, you are stronger than you believe. It takes an incredibly strong person, especially a man, to ask others for help with a subject that is very personal and private. I congradulate you for that =D>

 

Keep your head up and try seeking some professional help.

 

Good luck and Best Wishes,

bdub

[frenchie]

Have been in your wifes position re the porn and it caused huge problems and was a big factor in the eventual end of the relationship-yes she feels disgusted it does make you wonder what on earth is wrong with you,it also makes you feel terribly insecure and makes you question your own sexuality/femininity it is very destructive. She probably wonders if somehow you want her to be like the women you look at on the net and wonders what it is you find in them that you can no longer find in her, but the fact that she is still there makes me think that she must still have feelings for you. The only way you will gain her respect is by admitting you have a problem(which you have done) and by actively taking steps to do something about it and making sure that she knows this, stop lying to her it will take an awfully long time to regain her trust and respect and you must be genuine in wanting things to change, my advice to you would be to switch off the computer , hell even consider getting rid of it altogether so that the temptation is no longer there for you-start talking openly and honestly to her, accept responsibility for your actions and the consequences of them, find out how it makes her feel. The only person who can make your life better is you stop wasting time regretting your past and concentrate on your future with the people who obviously love you. You are lucky to have them and if you work really hard at your relationship she may fall in love with you all over again

Good Luck

[The Morrigan]

Have you told her you're ready to get help for this? And asked her to go to counseling with you, even if it's to help her deal with how it's made her feel as well?

 

You've taken the first step already - admitting it's a real problem, and not something you can just stop without help. Don't stop now, take the next step and look for a therapist or counselor who can help, or a group that specializes in porn addiction who can recommend your next step. Ask your wife if she'd be willing to be involved, but accept it if she's not ready to just yet. Whatever they recommend - stick with it. Don't make the mistake so many people do with addictions and changing behavior and figure if you change for a few weeks you're done - stick with it til the advisor, therapist, whoever you see feels you're ready, and be prepared to have to go back if you feel the urge to give in arise. It's always easier to catch something early on than after you're back in a pattern, better safe than sorry.

 

I'd also consider showing her your post, some may disagree with me here, but it clearly shows what you really think of her, and that you recognize what you're in danger of losing permanently, if you haven't already. And I'd have the therapy, or whichever route you choose, lined up and started before talking to her about it; your intentions are more than just words then. Your actions are a big factor in regaining trust, having those words backed up will speak louder than anything you can say that you've acknowledged the problem and are actively doing something about it.

 

Do you need the computer for work or anything like that? If getting rid of it isn't an option, how about getting a third party to "clean" it of all but the programs you need, ditching the net, and using public access for email where porn isn't an option? If you don't need it, maybe at least put it in storage with a friend where that temptation at least won't be there. If you don't use your credit cards for anything else - give those to your wife or someone you trust as well. If you were an alcoholic in the initial stages of recovery, you wouldn't keep it in your house or be around others drinking, so get rid of as much temptation as possible, and find yourself something, preferably something that requires a LOT of concentration, to do when you find yourself antsy.

 

Best of luck to you - I hope you've managed to get help in time to save your marriage, at the very least though, follow through and get your self respect back.

[fieroscott]

To all of you that have replied to my post....thank you so much for not making me feel dirty or disgusting. I have read and reread your replies and I have to say that you are all sooooo right. I have a meeting this sunday at a church for the porn addiction. As for the rest, I am going to councilling next week. The ball is in motion. I just hope there is no flat side to it. Thank you all again so much. Your words are encouragment and they mean so much. I only hope that things are not a lost cause. To lose my wife would mean losing my life. My children will always be there but there is something about having that one true love. I miss her. I see my family regularly but what I miss most is a small kiss before work and the little smile I would get when I would come home from work and see her in bed.

[sisterlynch]

Your wife with a minivan divorsed you over a porn addiction?? I looked at your second entry and I changed my post, I want you to look into a drug and alcohol recovery program. Porn and alcohol are kind of the same in some ways. Go back to your wife and family! don't let her put you out like this, it isn't a good example for your family. Don't let the addiction win, let your love for your wife and child stand in for the love of yourself that you seem to be missing. You can do this!!

 

Instead of porn, look at this websight and look up 12 step programs that will help you see that you are a good and loving individual, you are a surviver, not a victim!

[MoonlapseVertigo]

What do you think are some signs of being addicted?

[JH123]

The signs of being addicted are that you put other things like your own life and activities aside and you only do the addictive behavior. Your family and friends complain, and you don't listen to them because your addictive activities mean so much to you. There are normally consequences to the addictive behavior -- but you do them anyway.