What iam I doing wrong :(

[Batya33]

If success means getting women in bed, sure, maybe - the women who want to have one night stands or a fling might tend to go more for the handsome jerk type because it's part of the fun, the thrill.

 

If you mean success in terms of developing a solid, loving relationship, a true jerk would by definition not be capable of that.

[Madoc]

I got some positive feed back last night.

[ghost69]

I got some positive feed back last night.

 

and it was?

[Madoc]

and it was?

 

Well even though it was a loss on her part one of the girls I fancy said I was a great guy and I know alot of people and of course this was behind my back.

 

So maybe i could be doing something right.

[ghost69]

so you just overheard something? nothing directly to you though? i'm not sure if that is positive feedback. but it sure is nice to hear.

[Madoc]

so you just overheard something? nothing directly to you though? i'm not sure if that is positive feedback. but it sure is nice to hear.

 

No she said it about me.

 

It wasn't anything overheard.

[ghost69]

No she said it about me.

 

It wasn't anything overheard.

 

but she didn't say it to you right? that is overhearing something.

[Madoc]

but she didn't say it to you right? that is overhearing something.

 

She said it to my friends while I introduced them to her.

 

If success means getting women in bed, sure, maybe - the women who want to have one night stands or a fling might tend to go more for the handsome jerk type because it's part of the fun, the thrill.

 

If you mean success in terms of developing a solid, loving relationship, a true jerk would by definition not be capable of that.

 

Iam not interested in getting a woman in bed now I think its pointless and a huge waste if it doesn't mean anything, long term or marriage. To some its everything but to me I could be using my time for better things than a one night stand.

 

But what I don't get is how someone abusive can find a relationship and still be sucessfull even though that person is doing alot of harm to their partner.

[Batya33]

What is successful about a relationship that includes abuse?

[CrazyKing]

But what I don't get is how someone abusive can find a relationship and still be sucessfull even though that person is doing alot of harm to their partner.

 

Do you think those women who are in abusive relationships and remain there don't have a reason for doing it???

 

I know numerous stories about women who were raped by their husbands for years but they just waited until the children grew up & became independent, so that she can take him to court, that's a typical no way out situation these years... (I don't know what you meant with "abusive relationship", because what I wrote now IS an example for an abusive relationship)

 

Well, maybe you meant that an abusive relationship is when the man is not fulfilling all of his women's wishes often resulting in minimal verbal fights???

 

If a guy acts live a slave around a woman and is doing EVERYTHING for her after her command - I call that an abusive relationship...

[ghost69]

What is successful about a relationship that includes abuse?

 

you got your licks in hopefully. ehhh

[Madoc]

Do you think those women who are in abusive relationships and remain there don't have a reason for doing it???

 

I know numerous stories about women who were raped by their husbands for years but they just waited until the children grew up & became independent, so that she can take him to court, that's a typical no way out situation these years... (I don't know what you meant with "abusive relationship", because what I wrote now IS an example for an abusive relationship)

 

Well, maybe you meant that an abusive relationship is when the man is not fulfilling all of his women's wishes often resulting in minimal verbal fights???

 

If a guy acts live a slave around a woman and is doing EVERYTHING for her after her command - I call that an abusive relationship...

 

What is successful about a relationship that includes abuse?

 

Your missing the point. They manage to get into a relationship.

[Batya33]

No I think you are missing the point. I don't think it's a healthy mindset to believe that any relationship - whether healthy or not - is better than being on your own. And to think that someone is successful because they manage to find someone who will spend time with them and during that time emotionally or physically abuse them, or act like a jerk - I call that unhealthy/needy/co-dependent - whatever -but certainly not "successful" - it's easy to find someone who will spend time with you romantically as long as you are the doormat and do whatever the other person says. No success there - it's pathetic.

[CrazyKing]

Your missing the point. They manage to get into a relationship.

Getting into a relationship ain't that hard - you just have to ask if they want to...

 

And I'm 100% sure you have never asked them directly if they're looking for a relationship and if you both could try being more than just friends... That's the magic recipe I've learned some time ago...

 

Girls want guys to ask them directly and kindly what you want from them...

[Madoc]

Getting into a relationship ain't that hard - you just have to ask if they want to...

 

And I'm 100% sure you have never asked them directly if they're looking for a relationship and if you both could try being more than just friends... That's the magic recipe I've learned some time ago...

 

Girls want guys to ask them directly and kindly what you want from them...

 

 

 

Ain't hard but impossible.

 

I have tired entering a relationship only to get brushed off or rejected or worst the boyfriend shows up in the picture. Even if they seem to be the best match for me and her it never seems to happen and I doubt it will now with each pasing day.

 

I have asked manytimes before and I have receved nothing but a huge disapointed in return.

[Madoc]

No I think you are missing the point. I don't think it's a healthy mindset to believe that any relationship - whether healthy or not - is better than being on your own. And to think that someone is successful because they manage to find someone who will spend time with them and during that time emotionally or physically abuse them, or act like a jerk - I call that unhealthy/needy/co-dependent - whatever -but certainly not "successful" - it's easy to find someone who will spend time with you romantically as long as you are the doormat and do whatever the other person says. No success there - it's pathetic.

 

Yes I agree but we a bird walking alittle bit here. What its really boiling down to is how can someone like me who is very honest with his live, very loving for friends and family, really nice and such be over taken by a Player kind of guy whos a abusive calls her names and treats her bad? why would the girl fallow him when clearly she is going to be used?.

 

I guess this day and age thats what women want.

[Batya33]

No - it's simply that there is no exact science. There are so many factors - timing, luck, the types of women you are attracted to, the vibes, energy you give off, your social skills, your level of confidence in social situations, and then there's the woman's mindset, goals, etc. It's not "what women want" - it's what those particular women seem to want at that particular time. and you have no idea if the man you describe as a player really is one - he may have the arrogant facade but be a good guy underneath, or she may be attracted to an arrogant man for whatever reason.

 

It is clear though that if you are this negative in approaching people as you have been in what you write you are making it much harder on yourself to connect with people.

[Madoc]

No - it's simply that there is no exact science. There are so many factors - timing, luck, the types of women you are attracted to, the vibes, energy you give off, your social skills, your level of confidence in social situations, and then there's the woman's mindset, goals, etc. It's not "what women want" - it's what those particular women seem to want at that particular time. and you have no idea if the man you describe as a player really is one - he may have the arrogant facade but be a good guy underneath, or she may be attracted to an arrogant man for whatever reason.

 

It is clear though that if you are this negative in approaching people as you have been in what you write you are making it much harder on yourself to connect with people.

 

 

The Negetive part is only sharing my fustrations and hopefully somekind of solution will come about this without giving up which is probably the best choice here but otherwise I hang with positive crowd. I wouldn't say if that player call his G/F a * * * * * thats much of a good guy underneath.

 

My life is great and I enjoy it.

[Batya33]

Glad to hear it. Just avoid those negative generalizations about "what women want." And remember - the common denominator in all your interactions with people is...... you!

[big greg]

The Negetive part is only sharing my fustrations and hopefully somekind of solution will come about this without giving up which is probably the best choice here but otherwise I hang with positive crowd. I wouldn't say if that player call his G/F a * * * * * thats much of a good guy underneath.

 

My life is great and I enjoy it.

 

I am pretty much the same, my life is going great and I'm very happy with who i am and where I am, but I don't even get looks from women who I try and talk to. I always hear "negative vibes" thrown around by people who don't know me, but I am so positive and vibrant in general that people who I just meet or acquaintances always assume I have a girlfriend... both guys and girls, they ask about "her" and I have to tell them that there is no her. When they ask me why not, I always end up saying that I am focusing on my life and don't have a time or want (which is a lie), I never ever project anything negative. It makes me so furious when I read all of this generic advice about "just getting out there and socializing and dating girls"... everyone always makes it sound like it's just so easy to go out there and date girls and that the magic formula for finding love is just to go out and socialize (even if that's what you already do).

I'm with you.. I have so many friends and know so many people who are less than ideal or total * * * * ups, and they have no problem finding women and keeping solid relationships. The main thing about them is that they have ideal physical characteristics.. they are "pretty" or "hot".

I probably couldn't even buy a girlfriend (thought about it before.... lol), and every single girl I've ever tried to talk to or date since high school (for about the past 6 years) brushes me off and I haven't even been able to find a date or anything. I think it has alot to do with physical appearance. Most people have to have a physical attraction at some level to be interested in someone, and that's just something I don't have. I've got a buttload of friends, and I don't even know anyone who dislikes my personality in the least bit, and I even have a few friends who are aged and * * * * ed their life up by drugs or what not say they look up to and admire me because of what I'm making of myself.

 

I think it's just like you say, some of us weren't meant to find love. I'm working on accepting that about myself, and figuring out what I'm going to do with my life without a partner. I don't want to find someone at 45 either, because not only do you have very limited time to start a family, but you will have already experienced life without that someone. All you will have the energy left to do is sit around in rocking chairs and watch tv with them..... and I think that's what makes a relationship special - experiencing life with someone by your side and growing in wisdom and experience as a couple. That's what I want most in a partner, I would rather just spend the rest of my life single if I knew I would never have someome by my side to work through life's challenges together. I don't want to be a 65 year old man who is starting to have health problems when I have a kid graduating from high school ya know..

[CrazyKing]

Ain't hard but impossible.

 

I have tired entering a relationship only to get brushed off or rejected or worst the boyfriend shows up in the picture. Even if they seem to be the best match for me and her it never seems to happen and I doubt it will now with each pasing day.

 

I have asked manytimes before and I have receved nothing but a huge disapointed in return.

Ask them first if they have a boyfriend...

If they do, why should that make you feel bad, just go for another one...

 

Also it's the way you ask it and how you feel at the moment, and I hope you don't get into a friendship with a girl and start telling her how bad you feel about not having a girlfriend, because that's another huge turn-off...

[CrazyKing]

Make yourself feel as complete as possible being alone - because then you'll have a plenty of things to give...

[JimmerJammer]

Madoc,

 

I want to congratulate you on all your accomplishments in improving yourself. It's something that takes a fair bit of work, dedication and self-motivation as it isn't like one has to do any of this; it's a choice and my props to you for having achieved this.

 

Now to begin I will say that it appears that some of the observations you have made and comments you have said seem to be generalized. It's not all or to say that you're off with this viewpoint, but I think it's important to understand what has allowed you to derive at these thoughts. I mean obviously with having seen this every time with something like 100+ situations where upon the same outcome has happened over and over, I would then say that yes this does seem like a pattern and you have merit in what you say.

 

Which brings me to my point, I personally have gone through much of a sort of evolution in that I have spent many hours/days/weeks/years improving on myself. Lately I have fallen back a bit, but in time I will be right where I was before. The great thing about being aware of this perceived sense of reality is that once you know of it, you know how to stay with it and thus continually see and reinforce positive results.

 

In general I think it's good practice for any person to maintain a healthy body/mind/eating regiment, to take care of their appearance (i.e. to have fashion sense, clean teeth, groomed hair), to have a knowledge base of varying topics, and to generally have good control over their life and not let things get out of hand. When you're good with managing your life and doing a good job at maintaining a healthy lifestyle, you're a good candidate to lead a good life. Of course some of the bad things can be cool and socially desired and it's why being a goody-good sometimes doesn't score you points with the "cool crowd".

 

Which brings me to my next point, ask yourself, now that you have done so much to improve yourself, what it is you actually want. Is it a girlfriend? is it the eventual family? is it the love and cherishing that comes from a healthy relationship? Get a good sense of what it is you would want out of a relationship or from a woman and what it is you can offer her. Next keep track of "who" it is you are attracted to, meaning is it ones that are clearly incompatible for you (i.e. you being sexually abstinent and sober, but wanting the promiscuous bar star) or are they compatible with you and then trying to objectively look at what type of female you generally find yourself wanting. Then ask yourself if a relationship with this person is truly viable.

 

Because there is way more to write on the subject and I've already written so much, I will only put some key pointers of which may or may not of be any help as potentially none of what I said is of any help. So here goes,

 

Some general guidelines to keep in mind when looking for a mate:

 

- Maintain good hygiene

 

- Have a sense of fashion that works for you and you really like, not just because it helps you to blend in with everyone else

 

- Try your best to be on top of your weight, diet and general fitness (you don't have to be able to run 5K marathons or have washboard abs, but be sure you're in healthy enough condition that puts you at least risk for health related problems)

 

- Be on top of all aspects of your life (sustainable income, education if necessary, control of finances a must, mindful of deadlines, etc.)

 

- The extent of personal improvement is endless but here are some ideas (humour: try taking improv classes that invoke you to come up with comedy on the spot, leadership: involve yourself in roles or events that put you as the leader to improve confidence and being able to take charge and also try taking some dance lessons that place males and females into gender-typed roles where the male is the leader, social interactions/public speaking: try signing up for toastmasters if they have that in your area as it helps you to be acquainted with having the spot light on you as well as providing a good medium to build on your conversational skills, try thinking of some... get creative)

 

- Be prepared to make decisions without the others direct input/opinion as well as being prepared to be the one to take the initiative in a lot of situations (making the first move, selecting where to go/what to do, offering to pay for dinner, etc)

 

- Be kind, courteous, honest and respectful of others and be able to defend yourself maturely and appropriately when someone else chooses not to be so considerate. Opening doors for women is a display of selflessness and not chauvinism.

 

- Be acquainted with many aspects to life (fine dining, cultural experiences, amusement/entertainment(live music acts, opera, plays, symphony, ballet, festivals), hot spots in cities, traveling, picking up on social cues)

 

For my most generalized part of the post (lol) I will say that in general women typically want you to care about what they have to say and to be heard (obviously), but only pretend or very rarely actually care about the somewhat mundane topics us guys can talk to each other about. Like a woman will want to talk about her friend that she is worried about or the day she had at work, but not want to really sit there hearing you go on about how you installed new headers and cams into your car to increase it's performance. Hate to say it man, but I have yet to find a woman that actually cares about what I care about (unless it turns out we both care for the same thing). Also it's important to note that you're best off being yourself and while that seems like general advice that is followed regularly a lot is missed when that piece of advice is given. It doesn't mean be generally nice and reserved and appearing to be yourself when, around your friends, you behave differently otherwise. It all takes a bit of tweaking and general finesse because of the very fact that each woman is different and will respond differently, just become familiar with being playful and not always being serious while being aware of what over the top means.

 

I could go on and on and on letting you know so much about such a broad topic that I will leave it at this, hoping it provides you with some good adequate knowledge. If you need any more wisdom and/or information on this topic I'd be glad to pass on anything I feel is necessary or that you request (in a pm for example). I'll end it by saying that in your case I wouldn't give up on the thought that there is someone out there for you because I thought I had given up when I found my soul mate. In my case I especially know it to be that they don't just come to you, that you have to go out there and find them. Just be sure not to be so eager about it and to be aware of the things you find most important as letting things slide is a surefire way to seeing things snowball down the road (leading cause of people splitting is from incompatible people "letting things go/slide" for the sake of the relationship for far too long). I don't care what anyone says, physical/sexual attraction is the first most important thing to look for, but isn't THE only thing to look for, it works in conjunction with personality; the key difference being finding someone you're attracted to instead of ideally attracted to. Finally a good rule of thumb is to recognize that there are activities and events that potential mates go to and this creates a starting point for you two as it's something you already share. Bars are generally blah for finding long-term mates and are usually better at finding short-term flings or hook-ups. Even then it's rare to find long-term mates from bars or clubs. I don't think it's non existent, but there are just better choices and options. Like seminars, university/college classes you have together, dance classes, think more or less of social places where the expectations are that you go there to meet people.

 

Best of luck to you Madoc and I realize this was a very, very, very, very long post lol.

[Madoc]

Ask them first if they have a boyfriend...

If they do, why should that make you feel bad, just go for another one...

 

Also it's the way you ask it and how you feel at the moment, and I hope you don't get into a friendship with a girl and start telling her how bad you feel about not having a girlfriend, because that's another huge turn-off...

 

From past experiances I have done that before and normally it doesn't make the situation any better than before as a matter of fact it makes it much worst than before.

[CrazyKing]

From past experiances I have done that before and normally it doesn't make the situation any better than before as a matter of fact it makes it much worst than before.

 

So how you expect to establish something with a girl without asking such things???