Hiding one's attraction in the workplace:Question for straight women

[Lucy__lou]

Well I wasn't sure whether to put this one under attraction and flirting, gay & lesbian, or what? but since it's about workplace behaviour, I've stuck it in here.

 

Now this might sound like a daft question, but I'm interested in the views of straight ladies here on the importance of suppressing any attraction one has to a work colleague.

 

I know I appreciate it if people I work with can put any tendencies toward attraction to me aside in the name of professionalism and creating a comfortable environment, but are there exceptions?

 

I am working in a professional environment, and there is a new woman working there who I find absolutely smoking hot. The vibe between us has already been established as an aloof one. She's quite a fiery type and so am I , and on instinct, I think we've both defaulted on keeping more distance and not being any more friendly than necessary. (You know how some people you'll be friendly like a puppy dog, and others you'll be cautious?) this one is one of caution. So in a way, the possibility of us being of much use to each other professionally has already been foregone by our initial strong and potentially dangerous chemistry. So I'm doing my best to be professional (If I'd met her in another context I'd most likely flirt with her), and I can't fake anything, cause I'm a hopeless actor, so in a way it's probably already showing that she affects me. I go serious and a bit tough acting with her whereas with other women I'm more light and lively and happy go lucky).... So should I let any of it show? I'm tempted to let it become more obvious, but I also think that in a working environment it's important to make the effort to rise above any lust which arises. Advice? (by the way, she has a boyfriend, in case that's of any interest).

[BeStrongBeHappy]

one has to be very, VERY careful about flirting in the workplace, or attempting to pursue relationships there. there are legal and practical consideratons, not to mention all kinds of problems if the relationship starts then there is a breakup and one is stuck looking at one's ex every day.

 

but there seem to be more practical considerations here. First she has a boyfriend, so is taken. Second, it is a BOYfriend, and you are a lesbian, and she may not be. one can be very attracted to someone and *think* there is a vibe there, but may not be.

 

in fact you say there is an 'aloof' vibe. she may be being cold on purpose because she senses your attraction and is NOT interested.

 

one has to keep sexual harassment laws in mind for any flirtation at work. the minimum fallout is you might get fired if your advances are unappreciated, and the maximum is to get the company involved in a lawsuit, which you are the cause of. that will get you a BAD reference and is a really bad situation.

 

so i suggest you do your shopping for partners in less problematic circumstances. it just isn't worth the trouble this could buy you.

[Lucy__lou]

Ok, just to clarify, I'm not "shopping." I have no intentions of pursuing her. I am just trying to figure out how much effort I should go to to over ride my attraction. I could put on a big act, in order to facilitate a better working relationship, or I could just continue as I've done so far and avoid interacting with her unless I have to. Also, I'll mention that she's older and more senior than me, but at the moment we have the same boss.

 

I really don't think there should be a difference whether it is a heterosexual thing or a lezzo thing, but I thought I'd ask the ena crowd here for perspectives as well since maybe there are differences that I haven't thought of. I'm curious to get the views of straight women whether attraction from a female colleague is less annoying or more annoying or the same? I'm talking really subtle things here. I'd never flirt with her or anything like that, but I really am very transparent, and I do go a little shy with her while I'm quite a lot more friendly with the others at work....

 

Advice?

[mgirl]

not to mention all kinds of problems if the relationship starts then there is a breakup and one is stuck looking at one's ex every day.

 

Gosh, you can say that again.

 

Lucy_Lou, i'd be very careful about letting an attraction interfere with my work in the workplace too.

 

Besides the fact that you don't really know much about her and a two-sided attraction may be imagined, stick to the facts (just to be safe):

• You like her
  
• You think she is hot
  
• She is older than you
  
• She works with you
  
• You both have the same boss
  
• It has been reported she has a boyfriend

In the light of this, the attraction is your problem and you need to deal with it somehow.

 

It is likely it will lessen with time, so i would play it cool for a while and see how it plays out.

 

Try to remain focused on work because that is what you are supposed to be doing. Just put it out of your head every time she comes near you. If you want to think about her, do it in your own time or on your way home.

 

It could be very embarrassing if you indicated in an overt way that you are attracted to her right now. For now, let her assume. Until anything is confirmed, it is all heresay afterall.

[JadedStar]

Lucy, I agree with the others. Because this is your professional career i would not be making any moves that are risky. Especially since this is a female. There is still some apprehension about this sort of thing in the world so the workplace would not be the best place to practice seeing how open people are.

 

You will see equally hot and appealing women off the clock. When that happens making your move is appropriate. if they are not into it, no harm no foul. But not on the job. Keep the pants on in payroll so to speak. LOL

 

Sincerely,

 

Auntie Jaded (LOL)

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks for the wise advice everyone... I'll behave myself. I'll try to make behaving myself a game so then it might be less of a chore. and maybe even a fun challenge. But at the same time, if I'm balancing on the line between subtly letting her think I don't like her (and that I'm yet another competitive straight girl) and subtly letting her think that I am shyly liking her, I might sway towards the latter. I'll try my best to reveal nothing, but I think as long as the person knows you respect them and respect the need to keep up professional boundaries, letting a bit of the truth be seen by accident isn't as bad as it would be by outright flirting. As long as she knows that beneath the not very friendly behaviour is someone who respects her, that's the main thing I think.

[Lucy__lou]

well here's an update on me and trying to not show my colleague that I am attracted to her.

 

I decided to take taking the sensible route (as advised) quite seriously, and I'm not allowing myself to think about her very much while at work. But I'm hardly doing a good job of hiding my feelings. It's not that I have feelings for her (yet). It's more just that I know how much at risk I am of growing to like her too much. She's my type, and so I probably have a look of dread and foreboding in my eyes when I see her. (similar personality to the last woman to hurt my heart). I'm polite and (unlike with other people I work with), am keeping my conversation work related. But that itself is probably going to show me up. I've caught her looking at me a few times, and I think she's probably trying to figure me out, cause I'm keeping my friendliness so minimal.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the best thing you can do here is really work on finding your romance outside work... Focus on meeting people and getting out so that you have other things to think about than this woman at work. If you are involved in a happy social life outside work, you will find these feelings for her less intense, and they will diminish if you are focusing your thoughts elsewhere.

 

i think it would do well to focus on the reality of the situation. what would have to occur for something to work out with this woman would be: she'd have to break up with her boyfriend. she'd have to decide she like women rather than men. she has to be personally attracted to you. she has to decide that she doesn't care that you work together and is willing to date you in spite of that.

 

any one of those is a daunting and perhaps insurmountable obstacle, and all together pretty much says there's no chance of this going anywhere. so you should recognize that you are torturing yourself for nothing here, and it is better to stop indulging your fantasies and look for something real with a woman who is available and in a better situation to date you.

[Lucy__lou]

I never said I had any interest in starting any kind of romance or sexual relationship with her. I just said I was attracted to her. Those are two different things. I crush on people who would be unsuitable partners all the time. Chemistry just happens sometimes. It's one of those things where the universe tells you that you aren't totally in control all the time. I'm not looking for a partner.