Help!!!!

[hugmeup]

Ok, so my man has a hard time expressing his feelings and emotions.

We were in a cyber relationship for a year (talked everyday).

Then I went to meet him and spent 16 days with him. I just got back on January the 3rd. We are almost 2000 miles apart.

The plan is for me to move out there in April. But I am having such a hard time with the distance and am worried that his feelings will change.

I've sold most of my things and am preparing to move out there.

Since I came back, he has called me 2 and 3 times a day and for the last two days he has called me once in the evening. I know he has been busy the last two days but I would have liked a quick call like he normally does.

Even if just to say that he is thinking about me.

When he called me tonight, I told him that I missed him like crazy and he said "You do?"

Then I asked him if he missed me like crazy and he said that those were my words. I asked him if he loved me and he became annoyed and said that he was having a hard time dealing with my insecurity.

He asked me if I had ever heard of the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". I told him that I had heard that expression and asked him what he meant by it.

He said that when I asked him if he missed me like crazy it was like trying to put words in his mouth.

Anyway, we hung up because he had to take the dog out. He said he would call me after and he did.

He said that he did think about me but not constantly because he has so much to do and so much on his mind. He told me that he does miss me and that he missed me before I left him.

Then I said that I was going to ask him one more time. "Do You Love Me?'

I told him that I knew he loved me as a person and that we had a great friendship and emotional bond but that I was not going to move so far to be with a man that was not in love with me.

Well, he did say that he loved me and I asked him if it was the same as being in love with me.

He said that that has to grow.

He did ask me if I was worried or did I just miss him. I did not tell him that I am worried about his feelings for me and said that I just missed him a lot.

I know I am INSECURE but I don't know what to do about it.

I seem to need a lot of reasurance and don't know if this is normal.

I wanted to go out to visit him between now and April but he says that it would be foolish to go thru the expense since it would not be long that I would be coming out to stay.

I am really afraid of pushing him away as I have been reading alot on the forum about needy, clingy types and I really don't want to be that way.

Please help me to understand my feelings.

I would appreciate all of your comments on this.

[hugmeup]

When he calls me he rings twice and hangs up so I can call him back as I have a nationwide calling plan.

I have always been available to him and have NEVER not called him back.

Sometimes I think I should not call him back so he can wonder and miss me more.

I feel that this is manipulative and have never done it.

Why do I feel this way?

[hueman84]

First of all, dont do what you just said in your second post because that is manipulative and its playing games...which really sucks.

 

I think anyone would be able to understand why you are insecure about moving almost 2000 miles away to be with someone you have only met once. Its really a HUGE step to drop everything that is you and your life just to be with someone you really hardly know. I know you guys have been talking online for a year and you've met him once...but to me that hardly warrants dropping everything and moving that far. Also living with someone and vacationing with them are two COMPLETELY different things. After a month or two of living with him you may be disgusted with him or he may lose interest in you. I think his comment about leading a horse to water was pretty rude actually. All you did was ask him if he misses you as much as you miss him...and if he really loved you he would have just simply said "yes", instead of giving some rude one liner. To me it sounds like this guy really probably does care for you and love you...but I dont think he is IN LOVE with you. If he is having a hard time just getting a couple of calls a day to you right now, what makes you think he will have time for you when you move there?

 

I really am against the whole idea of you moving, but hey thats really up to you.

[hugmeup]

Thank you for your input hueman.

I do believe that you are right about him not being in love with me as I cannot say with certainty that I am in love with him.

He called me early today and was really concerned as to how I felt. He said that before he fell asleep, he hoped that our conversation would not affect me badly.

He reasured me that he cared about me and that he wants for us to be together and that he does understand how the change I am making is hard for me.

He says that being "in love" is something that has to grow.

We talked for about 2 and a half hours and he says that he wants for me to be and feel ok.

He says that I do not have anything to worry about as his feelings for me have not changed and that he does miss me.

He says that my uncertainty worries him.

As for the comment on leading the horse to water, he says that it was his way of saying that I shouldn't have to ask. That I should let him tell me in his own way.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's advisable to move 2000 miles just for someone you've spent 16 days with unless you will have your own place and job and you were going to move there anyway. He's probably feeling a bit overwhelmend - when you were typing and talking it was romantic and exciting but now reality is setting in. I would either go out there for additional visits - once a month at least for the next year or so (if you are meant to be, what's the rush?) or if you move out there make sure you have your own place and job.

[JadedStar]

I agree with batya. Please do not move 2000 miles away to be with a man you met ONCE!

 

His reactions since you left are very indicative of a man who built up a fantasy of you in his head online and the real face to face meet didn't quite measure up.

 

I suggest you back off, give him space and let him decide if he still wants this. This is a good reason why online relationships are never "confirmed" or validated 100% until you meet and spend some time together and BOTH parties still feel the same intensity they did when it was only online.

 

Everything he said to you about leading a horse to water, and not wanting to say he misses you, the communication lessening is very indicative that the face to face meet up was not what he expected.

 

This happens sometimes. You shouldn't feel bad but you should learn a valuable lessen here in that having a cyber relationship only for an entire year is a very bad idea as the longer you keep it online the more a fantasy is built in the minds of each person and that reality can't always live up to the fantasy.

 

PLEASE take a good deal of time before moving out there. Plan a few more face to face visits first and see if his mindset of current shifts back to one more engaged in this. Right now he isn't and sounds like he has cold feet. I think you will be miserable and very disappointed if you move anytime soon just to be with him.

 

I wanted to go out to visit him between now and April but he says that it would be foolish to go thru the expense since it would not be long that I would be coming out to stay.

 

No! It would be foolish NOT to plan not one but a few more visits. If he cannot understand this or support this then i'd tell him sorry but I can't rock my world without more time. He even said he needs to "grow" his feelings...what better way to do this then not rush into moving out there. He is not considering the fact that this move so far away is going to be a HUGE life change for you and he should respect that you need more time to figure out if this is real. His not wanting you to come back in April (and gosh that is still far off) is another reason i think he is not as into this as you are. A man gun ho for a woman will surely encourage a visit in April since that is a few months away and he would be missing her terribly.

[hugmeup]

I don't think it's advisable to move 2000 miles just for someone you've spent 16 days with unless you will have your own place and job and you were going to move there anyway. He's probably feeling a bit overwhelmend - when you were typing and talking it was romantic and exciting but now reality is setting in. I would either go out there for additional visits - once a month at least for the next year or so (if you are meant to be, what's the rush?) or if you move out there make sure you have your own place and job.

 

You make a lot of sense Batya.

And I do believe that I have had some reservations about all of this as well.

This is why I asked him the questions.

[hugmeup]

Hello Jaded,

He called me early today and was very concerned about my feelings.

He said that he did miss me and that he started to miss me before I left him.

He said that he cares for me very much and asked me what I thought his phone calls were all about.

He said that he is looking forward to my coming out and that if I had any doubts that I should not go.

He asked me if MY feelings for him had changed and I said NO.

Because he is bi-polar, he says that he deals with things differently and does not like to feel that he is being told what to say or think.

He prefers to keep things simple because life is overwhelming for him as it is.

My daughter has been with her partner for 9 years and they knew each other for 4 months before moving in together.

I moved in with my ex-husband about 2 months after meeting him and we were married for 17 years.

We probably would have still been married if I had not changed.

The projected time for my move would be in April and I wanted to go visit before that.

I hope I make the right decision.

My daughter says that I can always come home if it doesn't work out.

[hugmeup]

Jaded,

I should add that the visit was great and for the last few hours I was with him he held me and kept looking at me very tenderly.

After I got home, he called me two and three times a day and it was only in the last 2 days that he called only in the evening.

The first day he was really busy taking care of a few things and the next day I was out most of the day.

Anyway, we talked about that too and he said that both of us had busy days.

He proved that he cares by calling me early today and he said that he would call again tonight.

[hugmeup]

Well, he called tonight and said some nice things.

One of which was that he wished I were there already.

He says that although it may seem like a long time it really isn't and that he is looking forward to our being together.

[hueman84]

it sounds like you pretty much have already made up your mind with what you are going to do. Him being Bipolar is a concern though because that can prove to be a setting for a rocky relationship. I am not saying a bipolar person cant be in a relationship, I am just saying it will make it harder than your average relationship. I have a brother that is Bipolar and basically thats what ruined his marriage...because when he was on his meds he was really docile and quiet, but when he wasnt on them he had some crazy bouts of rage. He felt like everyone was against him and telling him what to do (kind of like the guy your seeing), so eventually he just moved somewhere no one could contact him anymore and cut all ties to his family and even his 1 year old son and ex-wife (who are very much active in our lives).

 

Remember you werent telling him to say "I miss you like crazy"...you just asked him if he did and he completely warped it to make it seem like you were in the wrong (you really werent from what I can tell).

 

Just remember, every relationship is different...you really need to be 110% sure this is what you want to do before you do it because its a HUGE MOVE (yes I do mean 110% not 100%).