How to deal when (we) need space

[lonelygemini]

I’ve been living with my bf for about 3 months. He’s not my first live-in bf—I lived with my ex for most of our 2.5 year relationship. My bf lived with his ex gf for a couple years, but they had the added dynamic of her child.

 

When I need my space while at home, I usually go off and do my own thing. If we’re watching tv or in the office, I’ll get up and go to a different room and listen to music or something. Granted, it’s a little tense because sometimes I have to get rude to get my space because he doesn’t understand why I have to leave right now.

 

When he needs his space, he acts like a total fool. He’s mean and grouchy and complains about everything I do if I’m around him. It’s almost like reverse psychology because I don’t want to be around him when he acts like that. Sometimes I even get incredibly mad, but he’ll deny that he’s goading me into getting mad.

 

So, how can I manage our “space” time so it doesn’t bother me so much? Yeah, I know the way we act is immature, etc, but I just want advice on how to deal during this time without being evil (when I need space) or playing into his reverse psychology (when he needs space).

[RayKay]

Well, while personally I have not experienced that, I think this is because we are more proactive about 'space' issues in general.

 

Why don't you guys make sure to take space for yourselves BEFORE you get to the point you turn on one another?

 

If you get a lot of "space" through your interests, hobbies or seeing your friends for example, I bet you will not be pushed to the point you become cranky and push the other away in order to get it.

 

In any case, I don't understand why you need to be RUDE about it if you do get to that point - just say 'I am feeling like I just need to go be by myself for a bit, I will come back later' or if he starts being like that why don't you just say 'I can't help noticing you seem stressed out, did you need me to get out of your hair for a while"...SOMETHING like that.

[lonelygemini]

Thanks for your reply. Lately it’s been crazy for me anyway because I have my job demands, my mom has been needy since my dad passed away last summer, plus my younger sister is in town and she wants party all the time (and won’t go back home), etc. After all that, I come home and my bf wants to work on something or chill and I snap. I apologize for it, but I still feel like a caged animal sometimes.

 

His hobbies are more indoor (painting, drawing, etc) and since we share this apartment, we bump into each other a lot when I am off and at home. But your advice is really helpful, though. I’ll try it out and see if it makes things more civil at home.

[Daligal83]

I'm the type of person that needs A LOT of alone time. I recently moved in with my boyfriend, but we only had two days together before he went to another city for his clinical. He'll be gone about 2 months. But before that, I lived alone for maybe a year and a half..and I basically am again right now. I live with this stuff Anyway, because I lived alone for so long I really grew to value and even crave alone time. I get irritable if I don't get it.

 

Before my boyfriend moved in, I made it perfectly clear that I'm this way. I explain how my routine after work is to go to the gym, have dinner, and just chill at night to de-stress. He has told me that if I need my alone time and I feel like I'm not getting it, to just let him know and he can go hang out with his friends.

 

My point is, if you verbalize to him that sometimes you just need "you" time and it's not meant to be offensive to him, he should be more understanding. And you can say that you realize that he must need that too, so maybe you guys can work on verbally expressing that need so you both understand what the other wants at that moment.

[ghost69]

is it possible all of the other crap happening in your life is making this seem worse? you need to stop attacking him for other things happening. i like raykay's idea. just tell him he seems like he needs a bit of space and you will talk with him in a few hours or something.

[sparrow]

My boyfriend is currently in "needing space" mode, and he's really cold about it and it bugs me. If he would just be NICE and let me know (we don't live together, but sleep together every night... I work tons) in a KIND way, I would be happy to oblige. It just sucks and makes me insecure about our relationship when he's mean about it. We've had tons of problems with this in the past. He thinks I push, when all I want is to be treated nicely. Maybe I'm too sensitive. It's not the space that's the problem, it's his way of asking. I've told him this many times, but he hasn't changed and it's really bumming me out.